Tessa Alburn talks Feminine Energy Mastery | DFS 265

Jennifer Takagi: 00:00:02

Welcome to destined for success. I'm your

Jennifer Takagi: 00:00:05

host Jennifer Takagi and it's one of my favorite days of the

Jennifer Takagi: 00:00:08

year it is PATA Palooza, de. And I have the opportunity to bring

Jennifer Takagi: 00:00:13

all kinds of amazing guests to the show that we wouldn't have

Jennifer Takagi: 00:00:17

normally had. My guest today tested you go by Tessa Lin or

Jennifer Takagi: 00:00:21

just Tessa, test it out.

Tessa Alburn: 00:00:23

I will, I will respond to both I've been sort

Tessa Alburn: 00:00:26

of playing with the fun of test balloon is just fine general.

Jennifer Takagi: 00:00:32

I love it though. It sounds really pretty.

Jennifer Takagi: 00:00:34

It sounds really pretty. So Tessa is a feminine energy

Jennifer Takagi: 00:00:37

coach. I clicked the link and said I want to I want to connect

Jennifer Takagi: 00:00:42

and play with her just because I love that title. I don't know

Jennifer Takagi: 00:00:45

what that is, what is a feminine energy coach? How do we play

Jennifer Takagi: 00:00:48

with you? Tell us your story?

Tessa Alburn: 00:00:52

Yes, well, let me just say quickly, so people

Tessa Alburn: 00:00:57

aren't just like, what does that mean? Energy coaching is helping

Tessa Alburn: 00:01:03

women to be heard and be seen in a way that works well with

Tessa Alburn: 00:01:09

others. All right, so you can play with others and not feel

Tessa Alburn: 00:01:14

like you're being a bitch, or not have other people say you're

Tessa Alburn: 00:01:18

being a bit of that stuff. So my story began. I was basically

Tessa Alburn: 00:01:27

super shy. And because I was in a household that didn't feel

Tessa Alburn: 00:01:31

safe, you know, my, one of my parents was kind of a rageaholic

Tessa Alburn: 00:01:35

was definitely rageaholic It was scary, growing up. And then and

Tessa Alburn: 00:01:39

also my dad like disappear. You know, for six months, he go work

Tessa Alburn: 00:01:43

somewhere, he just announced it like the night before. And and

Tessa Alburn: 00:01:45

then he's gone for six months. So there were things that just

Tessa Alburn: 00:01:48

didn't feel quite right. And as a young girl, and I got my

Tessa Alburn: 00:01:52

solace by going out. I don't recommend this to young girls

Tessa Alburn: 00:01:57

listening. But back then we could do this in my neighborhood

Tessa Alburn: 00:02:00

because it was safe to do. I would go into the woods, and

Tessa Alburn: 00:02:08

climb a tree and soothe myself there because it wasn't soothing

Tessa Alburn: 00:02:13

at home. And then I would come home at the end of the day, you

Tessa Alburn: 00:02:17

know, this was when I was not in school, of course, because when

Tessa Alburn: 00:02:20

I was in school, I was being a perfect student because I needed

Tessa Alburn: 00:02:23

to be. And over the over time, what was happening is I was just

Tessa Alburn: 00:02:29

felt like I was losing parts of myself. So I was shy, because

Tessa Alburn: 00:02:32

because if I spoke up, I would either get in trouble or get

Tessa Alburn: 00:02:35

blamed or get punished, physically hurt. And this went

Tessa Alburn: 00:02:40

on for years until you know, I became an adult young adult and

Tessa Alburn: 00:02:44

then I rebelled against all that and became kind of a wild girl

Tessa Alburn: 00:02:47

and you know partier and things of that nature. And then I sort

Tessa Alburn: 00:02:52

of somehow integrated those things and into a pretty fun

Tessa Alburn: 00:02:56

vivacious young adult. But I was getting feedback or pushback

Tessa Alburn: 00:03:02

really, from definitely from men who did not like when I spoke

Tessa Alburn: 00:03:09

up. And, and I was being like I thought it was being really,

Tessa Alburn: 00:03:14

really cautious and really careful about how I spoke up.

Tessa Alburn: 00:03:17

But if I went to defend anything, like I remember being

Tessa Alburn: 00:03:22

in a class, and one of the other people in the class was getting

Tessa Alburn: 00:03:27

picked on by the instructor, I was like, This just doesn't feel

Tessa Alburn: 00:03:31

right. And so I brought it up in the debrief, and then I became

Tessa Alburn: 00:03:37

the target. For the next six months. A whole group was

Tessa Alburn: 00:03:42

horrible, until finally that person recognized that they had

Tessa Alburn: 00:03:46

been out of line with me, and I apologize, but it was already

Tessa Alburn: 00:03:49

too late. The whole program was done. The certification

Tessa Alburn: 00:03:52

happened, I was picked on the entire time. So I noticed also

Tessa Alburn: 00:03:57

I'm a Scorpio and sometimes we do say things that are dropped.

Tessa Alburn: 00:04:02

But i i People were perceiving that I was kind of bitchy and

Tessa Alburn: 00:04:09

abrupt. And so it was either don't say anything, these are my

Tessa Alburn: 00:04:13

options, don't say anything or be ready to be attacked, you

Tessa Alburn: 00:04:17

know, by somebody verbally. And so I was like what the heck and

Tessa Alburn: 00:04:23

so I started listening, reading you know, like nonviolent

Tessa Alburn: 00:04:26

communication, communication. all that wonderful stuff, the

Tessa Alburn: 00:04:30

Marshall. Rosenberg did that but it took forever it was really

Tessa Alburn: 00:04:35

that's a really long process. I liked a lot of it. And then I at

Tessa Alburn: 00:04:39

one point I wound up working taking a process called the

Tessa Alburn: 00:04:42

Hoffman process and then I wanted to work in there which

Tessa Alburn: 00:04:45

was amazing because I got so much on the job experience

Tessa Alburn: 00:04:49

working with people and and helping them feel safe. And so

Tessa Alburn: 00:04:55

there was a lot of there were a lot of things that I learned

Tessa Alburn: 00:04:58

about energy but I was isn't like fully present wasn't until

Tessa Alburn: 00:05:01

I learned how to tap in, really to my own vulnerability without

Tessa Alburn: 00:05:08

falling apart. And communicating what I needed or what I was

Tessa Alburn: 00:05:14

feeling, or what would make me happy in a way that can be heard

Tessa Alburn: 00:05:20

that that's when I started to feel like, oh, wow, I can speak

Tessa Alburn: 00:05:26

up. Now, I can say something and I don't have to be masculine

Tessa Alburn: 00:05:31

when I do it. And I don't have to just play with the boys. Or

Tessa Alburn: 00:05:36

not playing with the boys, depending on the situation.

Tessa Alburn: 00:05:39

Right. So plus, I found that really helped me develop my

Tessa Alburn: 00:05:43

friendships with other women. So other women weren't like, I

Tessa Alburn: 00:05:46

don't know, if I can trust, you know, you know, a lot of women

Tessa Alburn: 00:05:49

are like, they don't want to have a lot of girlfriends. It's

Tessa Alburn: 00:05:52

like, oh, they're just gonna bite me in the ass. And cuz it's

Tessa Alburn: 00:05:54

true, a lot of women will do that. But when you develop

Tessa Alburn: 00:05:58

feminine energy mastery, you start to be able to discern

Tessa Alburn: 00:06:03

better, who are the people you're going to let in to your

Tessa Alburn: 00:06:06

inner circle, you deserve better, what you're going to

Tessa Alburn: 00:06:10

share, you know, what's too much information. And, and you also

Tessa Alburn: 00:06:16

get to choose how you show up within the relationship. And it

Tessa Alburn: 00:06:22

becomes so much easier and so much more connected. So whether

Tessa Alburn: 00:06:27

that relationship is with a boss, or a manager, husband,

Tessa Alburn: 00:06:33

your children, all these things, change all these relationships

Tessa Alburn: 00:06:39

start into something more beautiful, where you're more

Tessa Alburn: 00:06:43

respected. And that is the work that I love. That's part of part

Tessa Alburn: 00:06:47

of the big piece of it.

Jennifer Takagi: 00:06:49

I love that. And I probably definitely need

Jennifer Takagi: 00:06:54

your ninja program. Because I don't know at this point in my

Jennifer Takagi: 00:06:59

life, if it's just habit of people saying it. But if I make

Jennifer Takagi: 00:07:04

a statement, that is something I truly believe like it, it

Jennifer Takagi: 00:07:08

resonates with me, this is my thing. This is how I feel about

Jennifer Takagi: 00:07:11

this. And even if I'm not harsh about it, but I'm, you know,

Jennifer Takagi: 00:07:16

matter of fact about it, I'll get Wow, Jennifer, why don't you

Jennifer Takagi: 00:07:21

tell us how you really feel? And I'm like, Oh, you have no idea

Jennifer Takagi: 00:07:24

like you like I just like, gave me a tiny nugget. There's a

Jennifer Takagi: 00:07:28

whole lot more that I didn't share. So is that kind of part

Jennifer Takagi: 00:07:33

of the thing that you would get a lot? Like, tell us how you

Jennifer Takagi: 00:07:36

really feel about that? Well, okay, let me and now you just,

Jennifer Takagi: 00:07:40

you know, unleashed the dragons speak.

Tessa Alburn: 00:07:43

You Yeah, so I had a different style, like mine was

Tessa Alburn: 00:07:49

like, try not to say anything, because whatever I say isn't

Tessa Alburn: 00:07:52

going to be received. But if I was invited, often was a setup

Tessa Alburn: 00:07:57

to be blamed or criticize. And I felt I had taken a lot of things

Tessa Alburn: 00:08:03

personally, and I sometimes didn't understand what I didn't

Tessa Alburn: 00:08:07

know, for a long time was, I wasn't actually understanding

Tessa Alburn: 00:08:11

what the other person was saying. Because I had so many

Tessa Alburn: 00:08:14

filters, right already judging myself. No, don't do that, you

Tessa Alburn: 00:08:23

know, whatever it is, and that those filters I was projecting

Tessa Alburn: 00:08:30

that onto or transferring that on to the other person. So it

Tessa Alburn: 00:08:33

was hard to actually understand what was happening. And words

Tessa Alburn: 00:08:38

just messed it up. And so that the only people I could really

Tessa Alburn: 00:08:41

connect with for a long time were those who are suffering,

Tessa Alburn: 00:08:44

like I was the, you know, criers. So I was more in that

Tessa Alburn: 00:08:51

zone. But then I went, I also had a phase where I was in the

Tessa Alburn: 00:08:55

screw you and you know, whatever, stop. So I've had a

Tessa Alburn: 00:09:00

little bit of both. And when you learn these skills, because they

Tessa Alburn: 00:09:07

are skills, they're not natural for most of us, unless we had a

Tessa Alburn: 00:09:13

role model, a mother who naturally did this maybe with

Tessa Alburn: 00:09:17

her husband, then we probably didn't get any of it. My mother

Tessa Alburn: 00:09:21

didn't have any of those skills. She was, you know, mistreated

Tessa Alburn: 00:09:24

her whole life. And so she was of the version like, don't say

Tessa Alburn: 00:09:29

anything. And then when you asked her something, she was

Tessa Alburn: 00:09:31

kinda like, what you're talking about. She was like that tough

Tessa Alburn: 00:09:34

girl, you know? Well, it better be like this and your father,

Tessa Alburn: 00:09:39

you know? And I mean, I'm not saying that's you, but there's

Tessa Alburn: 00:09:44

that protection. That shows up for a lot of my clients. And

Tessa Alburn: 00:09:49

that's what it looks like. Yeah. So it can sound critical when

Tessa Alburn: 00:09:55

it's not meant as criticism. Ah, right. Yeah. And that's a bit

Tessa Alburn: 00:10:00

Big problem because it's really hard for other people to then

Tessa Alburn: 00:10:03

manage that. So we want to be aware of how we're coming across

Tessa Alburn: 00:10:12

as much as possible. I mean, we all make mistakes, but to take

Tessa Alburn: 00:10:17

care of our own emotional management, and find words and

Tessa Alburn: 00:10:23

ways to say things that are still authentic, that create

Tessa Alburn: 00:10:31

connection rather than disconnection.

Jennifer Takagi: 00:10:36

Oh, I love that create connections rather than

Jennifer Takagi: 00:10:40

disconnections. I'm taking lots of notes here,

Tessa Alburn: 00:10:45

I see that.

Jennifer Takagi: 00:10:48

I was that good student because I tried to write

Jennifer Takagi: 00:10:51

down if I was bored, I would try to write down everything they

Jennifer Takagi: 00:10:55

said and what I didn't learn or realize way back when was then

Jennifer Takagi: 00:11:00

that just embedded in my brain, and then I remembered it. So now

Jennifer Takagi: 00:11:02

I'm just an avid note taker. And it's like, oh, let me put a star

Jennifer Takagi: 00:11:06

here and remember that, yeah, that's a good method. I love it.

Jennifer Takagi: 00:11:11

I create connection rather than disconnection. So if I were

Jennifer Takagi: 00:11:17

wanting to, I'm going to use the word modify, modify, tweak,

Jennifer Takagi: 00:11:23

smoothed out my communication styles and my interaction

Jennifer Takagi: 00:11:27

styles. Do you have a few techniques or suggestions that

Jennifer Takagi: 00:11:31

you could share with me and the audience?

Tessa Alburn: 00:11:34

Yeah, like, if I just gave you a formula right

Tessa Alburn: 00:11:37

now, like it would work once, maybe. But because we we need to

Tessa Alburn: 00:11:42

get underneath it. And so the real tip is to start to pay

Tessa Alburn: 00:11:48

attention to what you're actually feeling. And start to

Tessa Alburn: 00:11:55

accept your own feelings. So you know, there's something like,

Tessa Alburn: 00:12:02

what's an example, Jennifer of a time where you might have that

Tessa Alburn: 00:12:05

rough conversation with somebody? Like, what's the

Tessa Alburn: 00:12:09

situation? You don't mind me asking?

Jennifer Takagi: 00:12:13

I'm okay, kind of simple, but the reality. I am

Jennifer Takagi: 00:12:21

a very picky eater eater, but the things I like I like a lot

Jennifer Takagi: 00:12:25

of, and like if we're at a restaurant, and we're looking at

Jennifer Takagi: 00:12:28

the menu, and people are talking about what they may or may not

Jennifer Takagi: 00:12:31

order, and then say, oh, Jennifer, what about this? And I

Jennifer Takagi: 00:12:35

might say, well, I don't eat onions. I don't eat mushrooms.

Jennifer Takagi: 00:12:39

So I'm not ever going to order that. And it's like, Oh, why

Jennifer Takagi: 00:12:43

don't you tell us how you really feel? I mean, like, they just go

Jennifer Takagi: 00:12:46

off for like, Who gives a shit? I don't like mushrooms and

Jennifer Takagi: 00:12:50

onions. Like, why are you making that a thing? So then it becomes

Jennifer Takagi: 00:12:53

a thing about the things I don't like and I'm like, I don't

Jennifer Takagi: 00:12:57

understand why anybody cares. Tessa, why do people care what I

Jennifer Takagi: 00:13:01

eat

Tessa Alburn: 00:13:04

or don't eat to make things their business? That

Tessa Alburn: 00:13:07

and that's, that's another whole problem. But so in that

Tessa Alburn: 00:13:11

situation, okay. I love this. One of the things that you've

Tessa Alburn: 00:13:14

been accustomed to needing to do, because you're trying to

Tessa Alburn: 00:13:17

take care of yourself, right? And when the person's point

Tessa Alburn: 00:13:22

something out, like, what about this? What about that? What are

Tessa Alburn: 00:13:27

you actually feeling in that moment?

Jennifer Takagi: 00:13:33

I'm usually feeling that's an invitation to

Jennifer Takagi: 00:13:35

have a conversation. Like you're open. I feel like it's Well, now

Jennifer Takagi: 00:13:42

that you say that I probably feel like it's a little bit of a

Jennifer Takagi: 00:13:45

setup. Like they're just asking me that to get me to say I hate

Jennifer Takagi: 00:13:48

onions and mushrooms, and then they make maybe,

Tessa Alburn: 00:13:51

yeah, they want to stir the pot. Yeah. So here's

Tessa Alburn: 00:13:56

what I would I would ask you to do, I'm going to ask you to get

Tessa Alburn: 00:14:00

in touch with your values around what you eat. Like, alright, so

Tessa Alburn: 00:14:10

what is something like that's important to you about how you

Tessa Alburn: 00:14:13

eat

Jennifer Takagi: 00:14:19

it's important that I eat what I like.

Tessa Alburn: 00:14:23

And what is what what determines what you like.

Jennifer Takagi: 00:14:27

Well, like I've got a list of foods that I do,

Jennifer Takagi: 00:14:29

like and I you know, order them regularly or cook them at home

Jennifer Takagi: 00:14:34

regularly. Yeah, um,

Tessa Alburn: 00:14:39

and you like them because, well, I

Jennifer Takagi: 00:14:41

like them because I like the taste. I like

Jennifer Takagi: 00:14:42

the texture. I like the flavor. Okay, great.

Tessa Alburn: 00:14:47

So as you're sharing this with me, you sound

Tessa Alburn: 00:14:49

really soft and lovely. You can go back and listen. Right? So

Tessa Alburn: 00:14:55

that's the Jennifer, I want to have respond. to this person

Tessa Alburn: 00:15:01

who's asking you about whatever it was the onion rings. And so

Tessa Alburn: 00:15:08

when they point out things on the menu, you're like, No, no,

Tessa Alburn: 00:15:11

first of all, I want you to inhibit, I don't get it out of

Tessa Alburn: 00:15:16

your vocabulary. And then you're gonna veto, I don't. And then

Tessa Alburn: 00:15:23

you're gonna, you're gonna tune in to what your preferences? And

Tessa Alburn: 00:15:27

you're just gonna speak to that. Oh, oh, I hear what you're

Tessa Alburn: 00:15:32

saying, you know, I think I prefer

Tessa Alburn: 00:15:39

whatever it is, potato skins. You know, I think I'm gonna I

Tessa Alburn: 00:15:45

prefer the potato skins today. What about you? Right, so

Tessa Alburn: 00:15:52

there's no argument. It's just you acknowledging the person.

Tessa Alburn: 00:15:59

And then you say what you prefer? And they're like, Oh, I

Tessa Alburn: 00:16:04

really want Oh, you really want that? Yeah, well, go for it.

Tessa Alburn: 00:16:12

Well said, Here's Okay, that was really simple. But here's the

Tessa Alburn: 00:16:15

thing. There's a lot more going on under the surface. Yeah. So

Tessa Alburn: 00:16:19

what we would do is look at that, because by now it's a

Tessa Alburn: 00:16:22

habit. And there's a reason it's a habit is a very good reason.

Tessa Alburn: 00:16:26

And, and so we want we would do in the work together, we would

Tessa Alburn: 00:16:30

look at well, what is the reason that I've been having to say

Tessa Alburn: 00:16:33

these things? And ah, what can I do now? You know, so there's a

Tessa Alburn: 00:16:37

process for unpacking that stuff. But hopefully that was

Tessa Alburn: 00:16:42

fun and helpful.

Jennifer Takagi: 00:16:44

Well, it is. And you know, sometimes it's the

Jennifer Takagi: 00:16:46

simplest things that then you can like, apply it in many, even

Jennifer Takagi: 00:16:51

deeper situations. But it's kind of funny that my food choices

Jennifer Takagi: 00:16:56

come up a lot and always have, I remember specifically, one time

Jennifer Takagi: 00:17:01

we were at a restaurant and it was Red Lobster, and I don't eat

Jennifer Takagi: 00:17:05

fish, and I am allergic to shellfish. And I'm never going

Jennifer Takagi: 00:17:10

to order it like I, I don't. The waitress came by and I ordered

Jennifer Takagi: 00:17:15

the amazing black and chicken breasts on a bed of Fettuccine

Jennifer Takagi: 00:17:19

Alfredo, I was really happy with my choice. And my mother in law

Jennifer Takagi: 00:17:23

looked at me and said, Are you ever going to learn to eat fish?

Jennifer Takagi: 00:17:27

And I said, No. Are you ever going to learn to quit giving me

Jennifer Takagi: 00:17:30

a hard time about what I eat? And the answer is no. So can we

Jennifer Takagi: 00:17:34

just like constant, you know, a constant thing, which so it's so

Jennifer Takagi: 00:17:41

simple. And somebody's thinking, Oh, my God, Jennifer, nobody

Jennifer Takagi: 00:17:43

really cares what you eat. But holy crap, really, they kind of

Jennifer Takagi: 00:17:46

do

Tessa Alburn: 00:17:47

it. They just seem to pester you about it, don't

Tessa Alburn: 00:17:49

they? Yeah. So there's an energetic field that's been set

Tessa Alburn: 00:17:53

up, and you keep getting into that little trap. And so I would

Tessa Alburn: 00:17:57

show you ways to get out of that. And

Jennifer Takagi: 00:18:00

give me one really great way to get out of

Jennifer Takagi: 00:18:03

that. And I love that

Tessa Alburn: 00:18:09

thank you. Oh my gosh, we had no idea things were

Tessa Alburn: 00:18:13

gonna go this direction today. And I love it. I love that

Tessa Alburn: 00:18:16

you're so open. Things just

Jennifer Takagi: 00:18:18

go or they go on this podcast. So as we wrap

Jennifer Takagi: 00:18:22

up, like do you have one thing that you can share with the

Jennifer Takagi: 00:18:29

audience that might help them like you just helped me with my

Jennifer Takagi: 00:18:32

whole What am I going to order to eat saga?

Tessa Alburn: 00:18:37

You know, I think along these lines, one of the

Tessa Alburn: 00:18:40

most important things is for women to stop defending

Tessa Alburn: 00:18:45

themselves. And anybody really if men if you're feeling like

Tessa Alburn: 00:18:49

that to just take a breath and ask How else would I like to

Tessa Alburn: 00:18:55

respond?

Tessa Alburn: 00:18:58

Right now try it out. See what happens might be scary shit.

Jennifer Takagi: 00:19:09

Oh my gosh, I love this. Okay, stop defending

Jennifer Takagi: 00:19:12

yourself. Take a breath and ask yourself, how would I like to

Jennifer Takagi: 00:19:17

respond? Tessa it has been awesome to visit with you. And

Jennifer Takagi: 00:19:25

if someone wants to get ahold of you, we'll drop all the deets in

Jennifer Takagi: 00:19:28

the show notes but like what's one quick, easy way to get ahold

Jennifer Takagi: 00:19:32

of you?

Tessa Alburn: 00:19:33

Quick, easy way is to go to Tessa. Free gift.com

Jennifer Takagi: 00:19:39

Tessa free gift.com

Tessa Alburn: 00:19:43

Yes, and you can sign up there, get my free gift

Tessa Alburn: 00:19:48

to help activate your Soulfire and we'll take things from

Tessa Alburn: 00:19:54

there.

Jennifer Takagi: 00:19:55

Oh my gosh. I love that because I think Thank

Jennifer Takagi: 00:20:00

you so much for being a guest today and for all your wisdom

Jennifer Takagi: 00:20:03

and insights

Tessa Alburn: 00:20:05

Thank you for having me Jennifer it's been a

Tessa Alburn: 00:20:07

delight

Jennifer Takagi: 00:20:09

I'm Jennifer Takagi with destined for success

Jennifer Takagi: 00:20:12

and I look forward to connecting with you soon