Unlocking Harmony: Transforming Arguments into Solutions With Melinda Lee

Welcome, dear listeners to speak in flow

podcast episode. Today we're going to dive into a topic that

I believe all of us can resonate with you. Me, I know, I

certainly have dealt with this before, it is how to stop having

the same argument. I know that I've been in relationships where

we continue to talk and argue about the same issue and it

becomes a pattern that is tiring and energy draining. And so

we're going to dive into some clear strategies on how to

navigate this. And so before we dive into that, let's talk about

what is really happening. When we are in the same argument over

and over and over again, it's because our knees are not

getting met. And then we start to speak louder, in hopes that

the other person really hears our need. And then the other

person will also rebuttal and become defensive thinking that

we are, they are trying to meet your need when they're not, and

then you scream, and then they are start to argue and they

start to scream or speak loudly. And then all of a sudden you

find yourself in this argument, and nobody's listening to each

other, nobody is hearing each other truly hearing each other.

And then you end up wasting so much time, so much energy. And

then what I've done in the past is that I end up avoiding the

conversations at all. So we want to stop that today. And here are

the four things that you need to do to stop that. The first is

find the problem, find the issue. The second is move

through emotion. The third is meet their needs. The fourth is

gain commitment. The first is find the problem. You know the

the problem and the knee, what you're talking about is not

actually the problem, what you're arguing about is not the

problem. It's not about oh, the tasks not being met the

expectations, you didn't replace the toilet paper, or you didn't

turn in the paper on time you didn't clean up the room, you

didn't double check your work, that the issue that you're

arguing about is actually not the issue, especially if it

keeps coming up over and over again, and the other person is

rippling, you're both arguing about something that is really

not the issue. So I encourage you to dig deeper about what is

truly the issue. To do that, you first have to go into

understanding that's not the issue. Second, then move through

the emotion. Ask the person how does this make you feel, the

person's gonna say I'm frustrated, I'm disappointed,

I'm concerned to really get curious about whatever they're

talking about how that makes them feel. The reason why is

because then you're opening up safety, then you're letting them

know that I do want to hear you out, I do want to hear how this

making you feel. And then what you're going to find out is

there is an unmet need. So now we're in the third step of the

process. Once you know that you want to get deep deeper that the

problem that you're talking about is not the issue. Second,

you understand the emotion listen for the emotion that is

creating then go into the unmet needs. So according to Rosenberg

and nonviolent communication, there is generally nine I'm

going to discuss five today that is really key and prominent in

human behaviour, I call them the ABCs and love. So when any of

these needs are not being met, that means people are going to

start spewing out things complaining and then you start

arguing and being defensive. So I really want you to ask the

person what need is not being met? Is it a the need for

acknowledgement be the need for belonging, see, creativity?

Safety and love. So any of these needs are not being met, you've

really gotten like, go there. Like ask them which one of these

needs are not being met. It can be creativity, their need for

autonomy is being broken. That is why they're complaining. It's

not about the actual argument or the position. They're actually

just saying my need for autonomy is being taken away from me. My

need of belonging is being taken away from me. So now you really

have dug deeper into what is the true issue. Then you can gain

commitment you can say if I help meet your need, can you help me

mind? Game commitment together talk about how you can both meet

each other's true deepest need is not about the position. It's

not about the original argument. So I encourage you to go

underneath the feelings, to find the need, and then to gain

commitment. And those are the steps that you can take to stop

having the same argument over and over again, you will find so

much freedom you will find that you can speak in an authentic,

direct way toward gaining commitment to your deepest

needs, underneath the emotions that are happening in a way that

are respectful to each other in a way that builds more genuine

relationships in a way that helps make positive impact. So I

hope you take these tips today. Until we meet again on the next

episode I am your sister and speaking in flow. When you speak

in flow, you open up more opportunities for ease for love

for abundance. Until next time, take care