“Advocating for Yourself with Compassion” With Melinda Lee

In 2016, my mother passed away with cancer. And of

all places those found in her mouth. She did not speak up for

her needs. She was doing things for everyone else. Typical

immigrant, came here to the United States, just in survival

mode trying to do things for others find food, get money,

and, and doesn't that feel like what we do. I we're constantly

working and doing things for other people. And my mother

didn't stop. And this is one of her deepest regrets. As she was

laying on that hospital bed. She said, I wish I had more time for

myself. So this episode is for all of you who are on the go all

the time, and really not considering your deepest needs.

And I invite you today to really consider are your needs your

deepest needs being met? And how do you communicate that in a way

that is compassionate, that is empathetic for yourself and also

others. So we're going to go over a very simple structure on

how to do that. And it's by Rosenberg, and the book I invite

you to get is called nonviolent communication. And Rosenberg

advocate that says that while most of us are using violent

communication, we might not really be aware of it. But when

we go into exhaustion, burnout, and we start fingerpointing

saying you never helped me, or you don't care, those type of

words and language will cause a divide and, and be considered as

violent. And so alternatively, you have an opportunity to say

what you need in a very empathetic way. And in the book,

it talks about our deepest needs, my mother needed rest, my

mother needed support. And so there are basic ones that all

humans need. And Rosenberg talks about connection, love, empathy,

joy, creativity, rest fun. All of these when we're depleted

from it, we start to have emotion, we start to build up

emotion on top of that. And then when we have a lot of emotion on

top of that, we start to spew out words, if we don't get what

we want, it becomes passive aggressive, or we start to use

words and language that is violent and pointing fingers

because you're not getting what you deeply need. So here's a

simple framework that you can use to start advocating for

yourself compassionately. four parts, first is stating an

observation. Second, is stating your feeling around the

observation. Third, is stating your needs just like I talked

about, and fourth, is requesting not demanding. I'm going to

break down each of them. The first one is stating an

observation. You want to open up the conversation with facts,

facts that are indisputable, versus blame, or evaluation.

Start off with the fact like the observation, the action that you

noticed, I noticed that you turned in the report 15 minutes

late over the past week. Right. So being very specific. I

noticed that you didn't do the dishes for the fourth time this

month.

And so those are very specific actions. Alternatively, you can

start off with saying something like you're always late, you

never helped me. Right? How do you think that that's going to

be received, even if the observation and action you

notice validates your point, when you come at someone with

language like that, because you've been holding it in for so

long, and you can't take it anymore, that will cause

defensiveness in the other person, and then you'll break

the opportunity to even understand or come to some type

of solution together. And so I invite you to to really open up

the conversation with just observation. And not fact, there

is an Indian philosopher who said, observing without

evaluating is one of the highest forms of human intelligence. So

encourage you to start observing. And then once you

stated the observation, the fact that action that you've observed

And then you can move into stating your feeling around it.

When I saw that you turn in your report late for the third or

fourth time, I feel disappointed. I feel concerned,

because I'm not sure what's going to happen. I feel sad. So

these are feeling words using very specific language, sad,

concerned, disappointed. And the person is going to be hard for

them to get defensive, because this is your feeling. They

there, it's like, I'm owning my feeling, and I'm letting you

know about it. If someone had come to you and say, and said to

you, you shouldn't feel like that. I want you to really think

about how you started the opening? Did you start off with

a fact? Or did you start to do an evaluation, and then telling

them your feeling. So when you can start off with an opening

that is open, and not evaluative, then go into your

feeling, then it's more genuine, and people are more open to

hearing it because you're not there, they don't need to put

their defences up. So observation, then your feeling

around the observation, and then finally, staining your need. And

I noticed that you didn't do your chores over the last three

weeks, like you said you would. And that makes me so

disappointed. Because I need to trust your words, I need to be

able to trust you, I need to be able to know and I can count on

you. So you stating the needs. And if you need more support, go

into the book and look at all the basic needs, I need to rest,

I want to be able to count on you to do the dishes so I can

rest. So the more you're claiming your needs or claim

your feelings or your needs, the more you're going to have a

chance to get them and achieve them and obtain them. And you're

seeing it in a very compassionate way. Finally, you

go into requesting, can we talk about how you can do the dishes

more often? Can we talk about how we can help you with getting

the report done on time, not a demand. A demand causes

defensiveness again. So if you say I want you to do the report,

and I want you to be on time, people get defensive. So when

you say there's a question, people at least have an

opportunity to comment, people have an opportunity to give them

give you their story, and give and then you can have a

dialogue, right start to do deep listening, and start to

understand perhaps if they're resistant, they might not have

their needs met. And so you want to start asking questions about

what are their needs? Maybe they are, they're not getting their

need of autonomy met. They're a teen and they don't want to do

the dishes because they want to be autonomous. And so really

asking the questions about what are their deepest needs, not

just the feeling, but also a need underneath that. The need

is the root of all feelings. If you think about a plant, you

have the plant and then you have the roots, the emotions that are

happening at the top are all the feelings and then deep down

inside, the feelings are coming up because a deep need the root

is not being met. So I encourage you to go deep and find out what

need is not being met. Using this powerful, simple framework

that will allow you to speak compassionately, speak,

empathetically, can you know being more compassionate, using

this framework, to be compassionate, to advocate for

your needs, your deepest desires, it is only when you

advocate for your deepest desires and your needs, that you

have the opportunity to be met by somebody. And when you say it

in that way, you start to open up your heart receive with

compassion, know that when you can believe that you are so

deserving of receiving all that is available to you then other

people will receive and want to get it's a beautiful universal

law, the giving and receiving and most of us are constantly

giving and then when you can only give yourself what you

want. Other people will also want to give you what you

deserve. So remember that. Remember, by using nonviolent

communication, you can start to receive and receive what you

desire. i I wish that my mom advocated for her needs. I wish

that she was able to understand take A time to understand her

deepest needs and allow herself to speak and allow herself to

receive help people to support her. And I know that she's not

here with us today. But it is my passion and my duty and my

responsibility to impart how we can all do this together in a

very empathetic way, so that we can better understand each

other, better understand each other's needs, so that we can

all be closer, have deeper, meaningful relationships, even

when there's chaos, complexity, and know that by understanding

each other more deeply, that you can build a more meaningful

relationship and a better worlds. So take that those four

simple tips and a framework to speak non violently. Until then,

until I see you on the next episode, I wish you best and I

am your sister in flow. Much love to you