EP63: A Mother’s Perspective on Mental Health with Becca MacLean

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Hi, everyone, I'm back with Becca MacLean for another episode of winning with wellness last episode that we were on together she tapped into about the journey about her son. Today we're going to talk about what it's like to be a parent with a child with mental illness and what stigma may or may not come from that, Becca, thanks again for being on the show.

Oh, my pleasure.

I really want to just share a little bit about you with the audience and then we'll get into it. How does that sound?

Sounds great.

So Becca is a mother of four amazing humans and is an adventure loving storyteller. Her partner Quinn matches her lust for life. Becca loves trying new things anything from dirt bike riding to wakeboarding to painting with her kids. Her creative endeavor takes her all over one of her favorite places to go is Burning Man. When she is in work mode. She owns and operates diva design who is the powerhouse behind her amazing website at your holistic earth. You can also find her writing about her life on her blog, the happy home record.com She's currently writing her book A Survival Guide to crazy town chronicling lessons learned as she went from life. Life's coma to Crazy Sexy happy. Welcome, Becca.

Thank you. Thank you.

Oh, okay. So we're going to just kind of jump right in. Hopefully people have already listened to the other episode, I'm just going to pull up and let everybody know what episode that number was. That would have been episode 60. So as we move through this episode, if you guys are curious, tap back into Episode 60. Rebecca joined us and spoke more in reference to her son's so let's talk about it. There's stigma around having a kid with mental health. What does that mean for you as a parent?

Well, from the very beginning of you know, being a parent and being out and doing the parenting things, it became really clear to me that parenting is a competitive sport. And a lot of people really take that on as a part of I am a mom, and that is who I am. And kind of to the detriment to actual parenting, in my opinion. And in this case, yeah, people feel like they want to keep that hush hush that their kids are all those perfect faces on Facebook and not people who are actually humans suffering from the human condition, which you know, they are.

So coming from from and I love and appreciate your authenticity and your willingness to share because it is vulnerable, you are opening yourself up for perceived criticism, etcetera, etcetera. And I appreciate you want to rip the band aid off and let people know that it's okay to share that story. Why are you moved to share this story?

Mostly because of how alone I felt during the process. Even though I did have support from my partner, and my folks, when you're there in the middle of the night sitting in the ER, man. It's a lonely time. And there's not a lot to like, I'm sitting on my phone, trying to research things, trying to look up examples trying to look for help, and I didn't find a lot of support for parents in that position. I didn't find a lot of stories where people were like sharing this is my experience with having a child with mental illness. And yeah,

did you find and I'm sure you know, mental illness is a progression obviously, you know, it's not something that light switch clicks and all of a sudden it's gone. So I you know, depending on when people listen to this episode, I'm sure it's something you're still addressing in your home. Did you do Did you find you experienced judgment from others due to your child's illness?

Yes. Obviously, because all people can see is, was Thomas's behavior, right? And not having a full understanding of what's happening behind the scenes. So yeah, definitely judgment from other parents or teacher or what have you. Because like, for example, Thomas dropped out of high school, right? Where their judgments around that Oh, yes. Okay. And but unfortunately, Thomas had to do the best thing for him, and you can't force a 17 year old to do anything. So if you do that, if his choice is dropping out of high school, doesn't matter how many times I present that other path to him, he is going to go the one he wants to go down. And I have to figure out the best way that I could support him as a parent. And support him through his struggle with you know, again, is mental illness. And, and it's choices,

right? So when you think about yourself being under judgment due to, again, we forget, as human beings, when we're on the outside looking in, it's so easy to be, you know, Coach quarterbacks is a great term, it's so easy to, well, if that was my kid, I'd be forcing that kid to go to school, or maybe even those vegetables. You know, it's it's easy for for the coach, Coach, Coach, parent, coach, whoever to have an opinion until they walk in the shoes, and you make a really valid point, you can't force people to change. And if they are suffering from some type of illness, it might be a really hard journey for them to change regardless. Exactly. So when you think about what that means is, as a mom, per se, you know, again, you could be a care provider, you can be a friend, you could be an aunt and uncle. How do you or did you cope with the negative feedback from others? How did you learn to rise above move through, etc, etc.

Well, I think by just letting letting go of those things, you know, that the people closest to me? Yeah. So for example, my dad had a really hard time with my my son dropping out he was like, exactly, you're weird mega mortar school. So having to explain it to him. And eventually had him come around the people I clued up that I'm closest to, I'm able to have those conversations with the people who were at, I don't know, friends of friends or, you know, parents. Honestly, who cares what

I beg you to get to get to that point, I'm going to guess, right? Because I'm sure when this first flared up, that was probably a beacon in the night, I would think and and

it's painful. It's embarrassing. You're like, oh, gosh, yeah. But if I get hung up on whatever one was thinking, I wouldn't have made it very far. That's for sure. And and really, I'm so focused on Thomas, it's easy to turn away from the ridiculous negative energy. Because I've got I've got bigger fish to fry. You know, like, Yeah,

well, and I appreciate you shed light on that. So you know, we're gonna have people listening right now that are at the beginning of your journey, and feeling shame and feeling. You know, comfortable. Yeah, right. And there's a light switch moment. I think that you legit are like, I don't give a rip. What these people think because the only thing that matters is the health and wellness of myself, my family, whoever you're supporting. Exactly. Did you find that very freeing in that moment?

Yes. And I was lucky that it happened fairly early on. Will Thomas was having outbursts in elementary school and things like that. Yeah, I could focus on Thomas and let the other stuff fall away.

Well, and you know, there's a term you get a thicker skin right? You know, when you go to battle, you got to put your armor on and you'd shared in Episode 60, that really being an advocate for your son was something It really puts strength behind your mission to help him totally, you know, I would love for you I know, the background of this is hospital visit number, whichever, and you're sent on your merry little way to pick up, you know, you got to pick your son up and you're not there that what we've just discovered through your journey and you're sharing is you got to find your own resources, because even the people with the resources don't have the resources does that Yes,

yep. You have to educate yourself, you have to put your foot down, because they're just going to send you home. They are, you know, nurses and doctors who are just trying to, you know, get everybody through the system. And people falling through the cracks of mental health system. Yeah, there's a reason we're littered with homeless people. People just are falling through the cracks, because there's nobody to catch them. There's nowhere to go, you go into the ER, have a consultation and get set home. And I we had that happen so many times, it was ridiculous. Until I finally said enough. You know, and, yeah, threatened to chain myself to the doors of the ER, I'm like, I'm not, I'm not leaving here until we have real help. Not, you know, just sending us home with a sheet of paper, say 10 deep breaths, we need help. And luckily, I was obnoxious enough that we got it.

But there comes a point where we need to stand, you need to stand your ground. And again, you know, this is not an end you and I've talked about this off air. So I want to share this. This is not against the medical system, though those people are, you know, you and I, we talked about the people that show up on the scene, we've talked about the people, you know, all at all stages through this event, they're just surviving, in their experience with understaffed, under resourced, all those kinds of things, and they're living their own existence. We don't know what's going on in their lives as well.

And I don't really feel that there's a very, there's a very good process for mental health. You know, as you say, they're coming in, they're doing their job, it's a survival sort of, let's get everybody through this moment, this moment, through the entire experience of mental health, like we're they're taking a moment by moment where I'm looking at it like this is his life. Yeah, and it's, you know, right now, it's, you know, here's some medication and move along, where it's so much bigger than that.

And all the pieces, and I think that's where when you said you had to educate yourself and become your own advocate for this journey. The more action is power. So anybody that's listening right now that uh, my mom passed away from frontal lobe dementia, I, I literally had to advocate because nobody would take her rights away. And I literally had to say to the doctor, if my mother disappears in another country, because you wouldn't allow me to take away her passport. I'm coming after you. Yeah, like because my mom was an avid traveler. So she her mind was ripe enough that she could book flights, get on planes and trains and automobiles, but she couldn't feed herself properly, etc. She was a victim waiting to happen. And, again, this doctor's fearful of taking away her rights, because what if she can actually do the things epic? Like, I'm here to tell you, and I've never I'm not a nasty character. Those of you that know me, but I'll tell you, mama bear came out for mom and it was like, this is not happening. And finally we were able to go to court and take custody over her person. Thankfully, because I mean, literally her trip before that she she got into a issues in India and got into a taxi cab with somebody and paid the money to tour her around. So there was no no tracking. So mental illness comes in all different shapes and forms. And I know you know, Becker, we're talking about youth in this case and as a mother, but what's really powerful about your story is you've got to take a stand you have to as as tired as you may be as exhausted as you may be, action and education are the probably the most powerful tools you can do. Would you agree with that?

I agree. Totally.

You know, It's just one of these things that really escalates. This whole we are blessed with the ability to learn.

Yes. And, and because you know, you had, again, the unique perspective of, you know, being in the trenches with your mom, I'm in the trenches with Thomas, I'm seeing the day to day, I'm educating myself on his very particular symptoms and traumas and things like that. So I have to be the best advocate for him. You know, we're dealing with another, you know, ER visit, the site person comes on. And he's telling me it's behavioral problems. Right now, I was furious. And yeah, luckily, I started having a conversation with him about trauma based mental health issues. And I'm citing a book. The body keeps score, excellent book, by written by a doctor talking about these trauma things, and I'm able to talk to him in such a way that I completely argue against his point. And because of that, he was just kind of like, took the wind out of his sails. He, you know, had to concede that I had made the argument for my son that it was not behavioral problems. It was indeed, trauma based and because of that, we were able to move forward that night, but it was, honestly so many ridiculous stories like that where, again, advocating and being knowledgeable, so critical for that whole process. I talked about it. At the book launch, there was a young boy, Thomas's age, again, no other middle of the night ER visit. Or like bright lights in the hallway. I'm watching this boy. I hear the nurses nobody came in with him. The police escorted him man, he's in there for mental health problems. Nobody called about him, nobody asked about him. And the next morning he was discharged on his own no help was given to that young man. And that is the danger of not having a parental advocate or just a guardian advocate for a young person in the mental health industry because there was no help he probably got nothing

and went back into the system and cycle of the routine

till eventually it's just jail. And is that how we're going to deal with mental health just incarcerate people? I don't know.

I hope not. I hope not. So when we think about as we finish up our time together when we think about I would love for you to share what are some of the positive things that you have learned because of this journey?

Oh, well I definitely think it's a positive that you know, yeah, I I've got the mama bear give no pushed I'm there I'm, you know, standing my ground and making a difference in the people's lives that I love. That is a huge positive for me. It's a huge positive. Thomas and I have been through this pulling hands together. Love that. Yeah, that's powerful. It's honestly it has changed our relationship in such a hugely positive way he sees my standing up for him as you know, an expression of love which it totally is. And because of that he feels less abandoned, and his life and that gosh, I do it all over again harder just to have that.

That's a huge win. It is a huge one. Thank you, Becca so much for being on the show again, and sharing your wisdom and experience. You know, for those of you that are listening that might be walking a similar path know that by Becker's example you're not alone I shared a small snippet of my my story in here today was unintended. It just happened to fit the moments. We are all experiencing mental illness in some way in our in our families, in our workplace and in our home and together if we can all champion for each other we can make change the If you are looking to connect with Becca do not hesitate to find her on your holistic Earth directory she's there she is again the One who created it. So you can find her there we'll make sure her contact information is in the chat. But above all else if you're looking to share your business story that because incredible at getting your message across through your marketing because her your brand should never be a question. And Becca is exceptional at getting that across. Thank you so much for being on the show. Then being here and just being so vulnerable and raw. It's not an easy topic and we thank you for helping to normalize it, shall we say? For those of you that are listening to this amazing episode of winning with wellness Thank you know you're not alone as well. We invite you to join us at your holistic Earth and get inspired by the community that surrounds it. There are many like minded people just like you. Thanks again for listening and look forward to catching you in another episode.