BUILT TO LAST

It's the Karen Kenney show. Hi. Welcome to the

Karen Kenney show. I'm super duper happy to be here with you

today. Oh, my God, you guys. I got a good dose of sunshine

today. I was out walking my furry kids. That's where I just

came from. Nothing like moving your body a little bit, getting

a little blast of vitamin D and spending time with animals, you

know. So I'm feeling, I'm feeling the after effects that

of that whole excursion. And today I want to talk to you

about something that's just been on my mind, you know. So you

like me, might have some daily or weekly habits or whatever,

right? So on Saturday mornings I wake up, my sweetie always kind

of laughs because, you know, he gets up, he just kind of takes

his time. He takes the dogs out. He like, feeds all the furry

kids, you know, he does all this stuff and and then he usually,

like, grabs an instrument, and he's like, on the couch, right?

I get up on Saturday mornings and I'm like, let's go. Like, I

get right into action, and it's like, cleaning this vacuuming

that projects this, right? Like, I just wake up and, like, hit

the ground running. I think I've kind of always been that way. I

don't drink coffee, so I'm not somebody who needs, like,

caffeine to, like, get going. I think I just kind of wake up a

little, like, just, I always say, Man, any day that I am

above ground, know that old saying something, I just kind of

wake up. I do a little DSP, my little daily spiritual practice,

and then I'm like, let's go. I got got it my back. I got shit

to do. Let's make it happen, you know. So the reason why I'm

telling you all that is that I always like part of cleaning is

that I vacuum. Now I have this vacuum. It's all gonna come

together in a minute. Stay with me. I have this vacuum. It's an

auric vacuum. O, ah, E, C, K, I think I've had this vacuum for

like, almost 25 years, if not more. I might have had it longer

than 25 years. I was just looking to see if I could find,

like, the original receipt and like where I got it from. I have

the original like paperwork for it, meaning, like the manual.

But I don't have, I don't know if I have the receipt, it might

have even come with me from California. Like, that's how

long I've had this thing. But here's the thing about this

vacuum. Back in the day, when I first got out of college, I went

to Boston University. I went to BU when I graduated, I had to

get a job right away. It's a whole, much longer story, but I

was the concierge at the Hyatt Regency in Cambridge. If you've

ever been to Boston and you've driven on steroid drive and

looked across the river, you've seen the building it looks like,

like a step pyramid, almost, right? That was one of the best

gigs. I had so much fun. I got some stories. Look, read my

memoir when that thing comes out, I got some stories, but I

had so much fun with my coworkers at that gig. There was

also a couple of unfortunate incidents, but it's also it was

a really great gig, and I became very friendly with some of the

housekeeping staff. I was the concierge, so I was like, at the

front desk, like, dealing with the people and stuff. But, you

know, I had a lock up, like, just where, like, all the

housekeepers and stuff did, and I became really friendly with

them. I also worked part time up in the gym at the Hyatt Regency

as well, and that was really fun, because there was a pool up

there and a rooftop deck for sunbathing. It was like, a

blast. Okay, anyways, we're back. I was just like

daydreaming a little bit about that. But the housekeepers

always had these high end, incredible vacuum cleaners. They

were, like, upright ones, like, so not one like you pulled

around behind you, right? So they were upright, and they had

this feature where you could practically lay them like so

there was a hinge, right? So there's the head of the vacuum

ran. It's like the thing, right? It's like the thing that spins

and the brush that pulls all the dirt back into the suction spot,

right? But the bag itself, like had a handle, and you could

literally lay that sucker flat so you could get underneath the

furniture, in the beds, even if they were low to the ground. And

I always said to myself, someday, I'm gonna get myself

one of those fancy schmancy vacuums. Okay, so the day came

when I could afford to get one. Now, those suckers weren't

cheap. I think at the time when I bought it, maybe it was like

200 bucks, I don't remember, but I remember thinking to myself, I

did my research, right? And I was like, I'm gonna get a good

vacuum. I got this vacuum, you guys. It is still running

fantastically to this day. Now, of course, I changed the bags,

right? I have had. There's, like a local, I think it's in

Manchester. There's an orc vacuum cleaner specialist

people, and I've brought it there twice, once to replace the

wheels, once to replace the belt. But, like, this sucker is

built to last, okay? And I have a few things in my life that are

made that way. I refrigerate. I was just saying My sweetie the

other day. We have almost lived in this house, let's see. It'll

be almost 19 years, and we got that fridge like when we moved

in, and I said to my sweetie just the other day, and I know

some people freak out. They're like, don't say it, don't jinx

it. But like, and I'll knock on wood for good measure. But I

open that the doors up the other day, and I'm like, Look, my

fridge isn't fancy. It doesn't, you know, it's like a split it

opens up. One side is a freezer. One size the fridge, it doesn't

make ice cubes. I don't need it to. I don't want a fridge that

makes ice cubes. I don't like the way ice cubes taste from the

fridge, right? I mean, like, you know when the cycle thing? I

don't need the fridge to, like, do like, to know my schedule, or

to have social media with all the screens, like, I don't know

what's going on with all that new shit that they're building.

But this fridge, I've had it for almost 20 years, and it's still

running like a champion built to last. Okay, my car, my car. I'm

still driving like a 2010 Toyota, rav4, I've only ever

owned Toyotas. I've had four Toyotas. That's all I've ever

owned. People American made, like Ford, GMC, like Bucha.

Don't come for me, okay? I'm a loyal Toyota person, right? My

my Toyotas have gone for hundreds and 1000s of miles. My

forerunner, before I gave it like I traded it like I sold it

to somebody, was like, at 250,000 miles. My current one,

my rav4 is at like, 168 or something like that, built to

last. Okay, there's a reason why I'm talking about this.

Hopefully you have some good things in your life that are

also built to last. We have become a fast a fast society, a

fast culture, right? We want fast food. Well, I don't want

fast food. I mean, once in a while, right? Once in a while,

if you're out and you want a snack, maybe, but like, you

know, but even then I'm eating vegan fast food, but like, fast

food, fast fashion, fast friendships, fast I can't say

that F word, right? All the dating apps, fast effing you

know what I'm saying? Everybody just wants the like, let's go.

Let's go. Fast, easy, cheap.

I don't know. I'm a Generation X kid. I kind of like to buy

things and invest in things that are going to stand the test of

time, and that is just not the way that most of the world is

working these days. So for me, when I think about like, if we

want to stand out, and whether that's in our personal

relationships or in our business and our business relationships,

we want to kind of come from that place where we are building

things that last. And I often talk to, you know, like my my

mentoring clients, the one to one clients, but also the people

in the nest. And I say to them, you guys, all the stuff that I'm

sharing here, anything that I share or teach or a resource or

whatever. What I'm trying to do is to pass on skills that are

going to last you for the rest of your life. This is not like a

quick, you know, get well, I don't teach on I was gonna say

get rich quick scheme like, but that's not my vibe. Anyways. I'm

really trying to help people gather resources, tools,

practices, things that are going to change their life in the now,

but also continue to be applicable, relatable, tangible,

practical, usable for the rest of their lives. I like to create

and build shit that's going to last, and I want you to just

think about this, because one of the most important things like

that that we want to build to last is our friendships, is our

relationships, and again, whether those are personal or

professional. So I wanted to have a talk with you while this

has been on my mind, because when I was out on the walk

today, I was thinking about like, you know, what are the

things in our life that we really want to have, like, be

built to last for for them to stand the test of time? Like,

what are some of the qualities that we need in our friendships,

in our relationships? Because, unless you're building a.

Program, like a product, like a physical product, right? Like,

that's a whole other thing. I can't really talk about that in

terms of, like, just use good quality materials. You know

what? I mean? Like everything, and we look at, and I'm going

off on a slight tangent here for a second. But when you look at

the state of the environment in the world, and how much trash,

how much stuff, how much shit, gets thrown into our landfills.

We are poisoning the oceans. We are poisoning the land. Because

everybody just wants shit fast and cheap, and they don't care

how they get it. They don't wear care how it's getting to you.

They don't care what they're doing, it with it, when, when

it's done, you know? And there are times like here where we

live, we have to take our trash, our own trash, to the dump. And,

you know, my sweetie and I, we try to be really mindful. Of

course, we recycle, but every time we I have to put, like a

trash bag, like a full trash bag, into the trash cans

outside. You know they're getting ready to eventually, on

trash day, we take him to the dump. Like, it pains me. It

pains me. And I like, I'm like, we're just like, two people and

some furry kids. Like, I can't even imagine with big families

with children and disposable diapers and on and on and on. I

just think like, oh my god. Like, the amount of trash. Oh,

I'm like, pulling at my face, if you're not watching this right

now. So here's my whole point. I would rather buy something Well,

for a decent for a good price, like really invest in something

and keep it out of the landfill, because that sucker continues to

run. And I think that analogy can be applied to our

relationships, and that's what I want to talk about. Of course,

I'm always interested in hearing from people. So if you got any

good stories about, like, my grandfather had this one saw

like, I think about my uncle, who has all these tools, and

he's had these tools for like, over 3040, years. You know what

I mean as a carpenter. And I just think it's really cool. I

think about the instruments, like, musicians like my sweetie,

where these instruments that were, like, built to last, like,

there's a reason why, like, a 65 like fender, you know, amp is

like, that's the one, right, the fender, reverb, or whatever.

There's a reason why that gold, that Les Paul gold top, is

worth, like, $250,000 whatever, you know. So things are built to

last, things that stick around for a long time. And I'm

guessing that most of us, if we are in relationships, we want

those friendships, we want those familial relationships or

business relationships or whatever, to last a long time.

So let's talk about this, right? Let's talk about this. So this

could be a friendship, this could be a marriage. This could

be a relationship between you and your customers, you and your

clients, whatever it is. So, but we can speak, you know, because

I think all of these things, I mean, not all of them, not the

one where, you know, when we're talking about necessarily like

intimacy, if we're talking physical intimacy like you

don't, you don't want to be having that, necessarily, with

your clients, unless maybe you're, you know, a sex worker.

But let's look at some of the things I wrote. I wrote a list

of myself of some of the things, and I'm sharing these because I

think I work with enough people, right? I work with enough

people, and I just know enough people to know that there are a

lot of people who are maybe not that happy in their current

relationships or the state of their relationships, and there's

some things that they wish that could be maybe different or

better or more deep, or whatever. And I think it's good

once in a while. You know, I I've often told you guys before

on the podcast, when, when it's my sweetie and I's anniversary,

we always say to each other, do you want to renew the contract?

Right? So each year we say, Do you want to renew the contract?

And then we ask each other, and I posted about this publicly,

and he knows, and he's fine with it. And then I also my sweetie,

and then I all we also say, Are there any amendments that you

want to make to the contract, you know that fine print, right?

Are there any things like, anything you want to change,

anything you want to update, anything you want to add, like

whatever, you know, and I think it's important that we check in

with each other, but here's some C's for you. These c's are kind

of important, right? So we want this consistency. We want

consistency of effort in our relationships, meaning we don't

want people who just kind of like, you know, give up, drag

ass, roll their eyes, don't participate, check out, right?

That's a C. We don't want people checking out. What we do want is

checking in. Okay? We want to be able to be checking in with one

another. Okay. We want that consistent effort, like meaning

that, showing that this relationship actually matters to

you, that you're putting a little energy and a little

effort towards this sucker, right, that you're not again,

just like taking everybody around. You for granted, like

they're always going to be there. Okay, so this consistent

effort, we also want clear communication. Oh, my God, so

often, especially if you've been friends with somebody for a long

time, or you've been a sibling for a long time, or you've been

married or a patented or whatever, right? We have a

tendency to just want other people to be mind readers. We

just think like, well, they know me. They should know this. Oh,

those shoulds will bite you in the ass every time, right? So

clear communication, open and honest. Don't expect people to

know like the you have this expectation. I always, I always

say expectations of premeditated resentments, right? So just

don't just just clear communication if you want

something, say it. If you don't want something, say it, you want

more or less of something, communicate it. And I find it so

fascinating you know that the people that you have chosen to

partner with and say, like, hey, let's get on the same team here,

right? Like, let's be a partnership. Let's get whether

you're hitched or married or living together or sleeping

together for 20 years, sharing a hot whatever the deal is. You

know, I'm like, people say, Well, I can't talk to them about

that. I'm like, wait a minute. You've been sharing a bed with

this person for 20 years, you've seen each other like naked, at

your best, at your worst, sick, healthy, you like you've been

through the gamut together. And yet we do this thing where we're

like, they can't handle the truth, or we write these stories

about people and on top of, like, doing that whole

expectation, like, they should know this already or whatever,

we also withhold really important information. And I'm

like, wait, what? What part of clear communication, like, did

you miss on this whole thing? Right? So there's this thing

about being able to, you know, have that connection, that

comfortable connection, where you can be human in front of

that other person. You know, it's so interesting. Like, I

know people who have been like, Oh, I've never, like, farted in

front of my partner. I've never like, you know, I'm always like,

no, like, private bathroom. Like, you know, you can't come

in while I'm peeing, like, whatever. And look, every

household has their own thing. I get it, but I'm thinking to

myself, if you're sharing a home or a house with somebody for a

wicked long time, inevitably, all the stuff that the body does

is gonna it's gonna be exposed, right? You know what I'm saying?

So this is idea of like, How comfortable are you creating

comfort around each other, where there's space for you to be who

you really are, like it doesn't have to be a performance. You

don't have to be perfect. You get to have your, you know, your

shared humanity, okay? Speaking of sharing, we also want another

C, this shared commitment, right? A commitment to the

relationship, and also a commitment to growth that it's

not just gonna get like, oh, you know, it's interesting. An older

gentleman once said to me, I thought this was really

interesting. I am not saying across the board that this is

100% true. I'm just sharing what this gentleman said to me, and

it made me think about it, and I've thought about it many times

over the years. He says Men often get married, right? And

again, this, this could be same, these different in same sex

couples,

but he said men tend to get married and they say, Oh, I hope

she never changes. You know, like they meet their high school

sweetheart, whatever, and they're like, Oh, this is the

girl from me, and I hope she never changes. Where a lot of

times women will marry men, and they think that's okay. He'll

change once he's with me. Yeah, he's got that annoying habit, or

he's not, he's not that talkative. He doesn't talk about

his feelings that much, but he'll change once he's with me.

And I thought, Oh, interesting. So I'm not going to tell you how

to feel about that, but I like to just share these things, and

maybe you can think on it, think on it, and then tell me what you

think about that. Okay, so the other C, we also want

connection, which means we gotta spend some time together, right?

We gotta communicate, clearly, communicate your wants, your

needs, the desires, and then connect, spend some time

together. It's so important, right? If you're always just off

doing your own thing all the time, and you never have that

field where you cross, where there's that moment of like,

where you're actually interested in what the other person is up

to right those little check ins at the end of the day, you know,

before after you put the kids to bed, or before you go to sleep

or whatever. Like, you know, just like check in with each

other throughout the day once in a while, not saying you have to

constantly be texting each other and calling each other or

whatever, you know, that's not for everybody, but at least.

Have that moment where you feel like you've kind of plugged in,

and you've connected a little bit, okay, be willing. Here's

another big C like you got to be willing to compromise. You've

got to be willing to compromise, right? It's not always going to

be your way of the highway, and it's a really beautiful and

humbling thing. Now, I'm not saying you should compromise on

wicked, important values that you hold. Like, I'm not saying

you should give up your own identity and, you know, and and

all of a sudden, like, you know, whatever. Like, I'm not saying

that, but compromise on the things that don't really matter.

Like, just Jesus, if they want to watch a particular movie.

Just watch it, and likewise, like vice versa, right? This is

true for all family members, too, by the way, all of these, I

think, and then, oh my god, here's another one,

constructive, constructive, conflict resolution, fight fair,

if you're going to fight, like, if you're going to discuss, if

you're going to bring up a sensitive subject, let's not

resort to name calling. I have just been like, that was one of

the things that my sweetie and I, you know, I've been in many

relationships where I have been called some names. I have

probably done my own fair share of name calling myself, or

certainly I might not have done name calling so much. Mine would

be more to like, maybe raise my voice and swear and get angry.

But I don't know. I don't remember. I'm sure somebody out

there is rolling there, somebody else that could be rolling their

eyes right now and being like, really, I seem to remember, and

maybe I don't remember being necessarily a super big name

call us so much as but I would definitely be like, Buck you, or

like, whatever, right? So when I got together with my speedy, I

was like, yeah, no, I don't want to do this the way that I've

done other things. Like, I really want to be committed to,

like, basically, and we'll get into what I'm about to say,

like, for these next things, but let's, let's go over these,

right? So, so far, consistent effort, clear communication,

right? We want open and honest communication. We want to be

able to really, you know, be seen and be heard in our

relationships. And so we've gotta, we've gotta be willing to

be vulnerable in that communication and open up and

talk about our feelings, etc. Okay, we want to have a shared

commitment to the relationship and a shared commitment to

growth that you're both on a path of wanting to evolve,

right? Not keep each other in a box of like when we got married,

this is who you were. Well, when we set it up, this is who you

were. It's like Jesus. We want to evolve, don't we, don't we

want to grow and keep getting to know ourselves and know each

other and remember who we truly are. Okay. We want to have

connection. We want to be able to compromise and we want to

have constructive, constructive conflict resolution. But what is

some of the other things that make things be more built to

last right, to stand the test of time, to evolve and grow over

the years? And I want to say, I want to hit pause for to put in

a little caveat here. I'm not a person right, who believes like

I wasn't necessarily hell bent on getting married in this

lifetime. It happened to happen. It happened later in my like it

happened in my 40s. You know what I mean. But, and while I

believe that a union like of marriage can be a beautiful and

powerful thing. I don't always think it's necessary, and I also

don't think that people should just stayed married forever,

especially if they're both miserable, and they're making

everybody else around them miserable, including their

children, by staying in a marriage when they clearly don't

want to be around one another each anymore, you know what I

mean. So I'm not talking about building it to last and just

sucking it up and stuffing it down and staying with somebody

who's verbally, emotionally, mentally, physically, sexually

abusive. I do not believe in that, you know. So I just want

to say that there's a reason why I don't think that everybody

should just run and get a divorce as soon as things are

had. I think there's a reason why there's counselors and

couple therapy and people you can talk to and working some

shit out. And I've also been around long enough to see that

when people get people experience unhappiness or

whatever in a relationship, we can be pretty quick to think

it's the other person that they're the problem, when really

that's when we need to take a look in the mirror. Take a look

in the soul mirror, as I say, and get honest. Get honest with

yourself about take a fearless moral inventory, as they say in

12 step programs, right? Take a look at yourself and a lot of

times our own dissatisfied. Action of self, with who we are,

what we're doing or not doing, whatever we can. Take that kind

of malaise, that general like and we blame it on other people.

I'm not saying your partner isn't part of the problem, but a

lot of times, Hello, I'm the problem. It's me as as what is

it? Taylor Swift, that that's her song. Okay, so here are some

of the other things, right? So just to wrap that up in a little

bow, I don't think you should stay in something that you're

miserable in. So I'm not saying that all relationships should be

built to last. I think some people are going to come in and

out of our lives for different reasons, different seasons, etc.

Okay, here's some other things, and I'm kind of sharing these is

like a little checklist for you. If you are somebody who's in a

relationship, or if you're somebody who wants to get into a

relationship, here are some things you might want to be

aware of. And I'm not a, I'm not a hashtag relationship, you

know, therapist, or anything like that, but I'm in the

business of people, and I've been in enough relationships,

right to know that these are some things that help, like

human behavior, these are some things that are going to help.

Is there trust? Do you trust your your friend? Do you trust

your sibling? Do you trust your family members? Do you trust

your partner, the person that you live with that you share

your life with, you know what I mean? That's kind of important.

Without trust, how are you going to you're always going to be

holding your cards close to your chest. You're going to have your

dukes up. You're not going to be willing to be vulnerable if

there's no trust, you're not going to be willing to be

honest, to be seen, if there's no trust to share yourself,

right to open yourself up, emotionally, mentally,

spiritually, physically, if there's no trust, it's not going

to happen. Is there mutual respect? This is such a big one.

You know, I'm just not interested in being in

relationships with people who don't have, like, basic respect

for me. You know what I mean, if you don't like me, if you don't

want me around, if you think I'm an idiot, if you just have no

interest in being like, kind to me. Like, I don't, I don't know.

I'm all sad. Like, take it somewhere else, right? I'm like,

I'm almost 57 I only got so many summers left, so many years

left. I want to be around people that want to be around me, and

I'm going to talk to me like, I'm a fucking asshole. You know

what I'm saying? So, like, yeah, no. Like, not interested in

being around the jerks, not saying I cannot work on

relationships with difficult people. I don't think we should

just run away from everybody that we find a little

challenging, right? There's something, there's something

like, there's some good spiritual like, I'm, like,

kneading my hands, like I'm making bread, like I'm kneading

dough, right? This there can be something good about spending

time sometimes. Now I'm not talking about people who harm

you or distress you. I'm just saying, like, we don't always

have to agree with everybody all the time in order to have a

relationship with them. Okay? So trust, mutual respect,

reliability. Don't we all want to have, like, first of all, be

a person that's reliable, but also have other people that

we're in close relationship to to have that kind of

reliability. Oh, my God, when people are responsible, man,

does that just take my nervous system, like right down to a

much more regulated place when I don't have to do mental

gymnastics, worrying and wondering, are they going to

keep their word, and even if they break their word, it's

probably going to be for a reason that they couldn't avoid.

Like reliability, to me, is like sexy people who show up, people

who are there for you, people who keep their word, people who

don't just say they're a friend. I'm doing air quotes, they

actually act like a friend. They show up like a friend. You know

what I'm saying. So yeah, that's good. Here's another thing, time

together. Spending time together is really important. I know a

lot of people do like long distance relationships, I find

that most people don't do them well, right? They don't usually

survive. So time together, and sometimes that time together for

periods of time of travel or whatever. It might have to be

over zoom or FaceTime or whatever. But finding that time

to have connection and intimacy and to connect is really

important.

Appreciation and gratitude. This is another way that you build

especially in business relationships too. If your

clients feel like you really appreciate them, this is how you

can build that loyalty in relationships is that you're

somebody who has their trust, has their respect. You are

reliable, that they've spent some time with you, getting to

know your business, your brand, whatever, and that they know

that there's like that mutual appreciation and gratitude,

those things can get out of balance. You know, there can be

time. Times when you feel like, taken for granted, and you're

like, there's not really a lot of appreciation and gratitude

happening right now and granted. There's going to be seasons,

right? There's going to be times in each person's life where

maybe somebody's grieving, or somebody just had a baby, or

somebody just is going through a thing right there. They're

having some, you know, they're dealing with their mental

health, whatever, like, not everybody's gonna be on point

100% of the time, but most of the time, right? If we can be

expressing not just like keeping it in your head, right? Express

your gratitude. Send a card. Send a thank you note. Call them

on the phone, let them hear your voice, right? Send something

snail mail like surprise them. Appreciation and gratitude, man,

goes a really long way. Say thank you. Say you're welcome.

Notice the everyday little things and comment on it. Hey, I

noticed that you brought the trash bins back in blah, blah,

blah from the end of the driveway, right? Hey, thank you

for feeding the kids. I always said I get up in the morning say

to my sweetie, thanks for doing the dishes. Doing the dishes,

thanks for doing this right. Because I want him to know that

I see what he does. And same thing for here, he'll say to me,

thanks for going grocery shopping, thanks for doing this

right. Because I don't ever want him to feel taken for granted,

and I certainly don't like feeling that way either. So I'm

this is just like, again, this is just my list. And look, I

could put probably another 25 things on this list, but let's

not, let's not do overkill. We only have so much time. Here's

another thing that's really important. If you want to build

shit that lasts, we got to have some self awareness, man. We've

got to have some emotional awareness, and we need to have

some emotional intelligence, and we really need to have some

empathy for one another. If you don't know what you're feeling,

and you don't know how to express your feelings, and you

have no idea if you are just like, shut off emotionally. This

is one of the biggest things that I hear. You know, women

complain about with their male partners is that you know he

doesn't even know how he feels. He's not in touch with his

emotions. But here's the flip side of that, too, ladies,

women, people, if you want somebody to have their feelings,

and they're allowed to have all of their feelings so you can't,

then shame men for crying. I think this is such a fascinating

thing about the difference between how women are raised, or

girls are raised and boys are raised, or children are raised

in our culture, where we do everything, like pink, blue,

like we try to separate, I'm like humans, humans, humans,

humans, which means feelings, feelings, which means it's not

like women only got feelings and men Didn't emotions. The

chemical cocktails in our brain exists in both our brains. I'm

not saying things might not be slightly different. Men are just

as sensitive. Most men are just as sensitive and feel as deeply.

They just either got it yelled out of them, beat out of them,

shamed out of them, blamed out when they were kids. So women

don't get weird around like, let your man be human. Let him have

you know, have empathy for the full spectrum of the rainbow of

human emotions, right? Like all parts of you are welcome here.

Okay, not that, not the abusive pots. We're not fans of that

pot. But you know what I'm saying? Okay, have your own

emotional awareness. Have some empathy from one another. Okay?

Oh, my God. Individual growth, so important, so important.

Please. Don't like get together in 1970 and then nobody. Read a

book, for the love of Jesus Christ, read some books. Read

some books. Read them together. Take some classes. Take a

course. Expand your mind. Get a new hobby, like Grow. Grow.

Don't become a stagnant pool, like, where mosquitoes and all

the bugs gather. You know what I'm saying? Like, no, like,

expand. I'm doing this thing, like, from my hat, like my hat,

like a big circle. Like, expand. Big circle. Expand yourself.

Open your mind. Keep your mind open. Keep your heart open, keep

your ears open. Right, which leads me to this right is open

eyes open hot. Open mind open, which is we want to be really

good listeners. Pay attention. Pay attention. Paying attention

is one of the greatest ways that we show love. I am interested in

what you have to say, and it's there's a difference between

really listening and really hearing. You know what I mean?

Like, not just like, Oh, I hear the words coming out of your

mouth, but I'm not paying attention, right? Put down on

your damn phone. If you're sweetie or your partner or your

kid or somebody that matters to you is trying to talk to you,

take a moment. Flip that sucker down. Pay attention. Here's

another thing that I do sometimes, right? We're all. All

in the habit of it. Somebody's in the other room. You can't see

them. You just walk in and you're already talking, and you

go in and you see they're doing something, right? So we all do

it to each other. So my sweetie and I have often said, you know,

to each other, just give me a minute, like, if I'm mid

thought, or mid if I'm writing some I don't want to forget what

I was doing. And I'll just say to him, I mean, obviously, if

it's an emergency, I'll put my phone down, but sometimes I'll

just say, just give me one second, because I want to be

able to give you my full attention. I don't want to half

ass it. Now, look, we're not perfect. We don't always get it

right. I'm deaf as a haddock. I can't hear him most of the time,

right, so he speaks. His his tone of voice is just like,

like, really, sometimes hard for my ears to catch. He and I have

talked about this, like, ad nauseam, right? He's like, I say

patience of a saint when it comes to repeating himself

around me. But it just shows like, like, really try to listen

and be present, right? Like, pay attention. So, like, shut your

mouth. That's why I was laughing. I was like, open ears,

open heart, open mind, right? But shut your mouth once in a

while, and really listen to your partner. This can be wicked

helpful in starting to help build things that last. Because,

you know, women will often say he doesn't hear me, he doesn't

get me. It's another way of saying he doesn't get me,

doesn't understand me, right? And we want to be heard, all of

us do? We want to be heard. We want to know that we matter

again. That goes back to appreciation and gratitude, like

let people know I see you, I get you, I understand you, I feel

you, or even if I don't, because I haven't been in that exact

position. I wish I did. I wish I could, but I'm still here for

you. You know what I'm saying? Okay, individual growth, yes,

but shared goal, like, shared goals, you got to know you're on

the same team. If one of you is like, no, I really want to save

because I want to pay off the mortgage earlier, like, get this

thing paid off, and the other one's like, Copacabana, let's go

drink and booze and potty and travel and save nothing, right?

It's like, that is not gonna work. You guys gotta have some

shared goals, yo. You know what I'm saying. And definitely some

check ins. I already said this a connection. You want to do these

check ins. But here's a little tip. Here's a little something

I've learned over the years. Okay, everybody's different. My

sweetie and I can sit down and talk ad nauseum with each other

over the kitchen table about things, right? But not everybody

can, so some people do better expressing what's going on

inside of them by being in motion. For some people that's

taking a drive, for some people that's taking a walk, right? Get

to know what works for your Patna, some people like to be in

motion. It does something to the brain, right? It helps them to

do. We already know that walking helps with creativity, creative

thinking, blah, blah. But you know, don't always insist that

the important conversations, like I know so many parents who

say to me,

I talk to my kid when he's in the car with me, when he's

trapped, like on the way to school, or like taking them

clothes shop or whatever the thing they like, trap their kids

in the car and try to force their kids to talk to I think

it's so funny. Oh my god, so But find out. Find out when you and

your sweetie, you and your partner, you and your bestie,

you and your family members, right, do their best connecting

and talking and don't always assist like somebody might be

like, Can we take a walk in the woods, or can we blah, blah,

blah, whatever the thing is right, and see what works for

them. And like I said, I could go on and on and on and on, but

it was really just looking at these items, these things that I

had right, my fridge, my car, my vacuum. And I was like, Man,

these suckers are built to last. And then I started to think, is

there anything else in our life right now that's really built to

last? I'm like, so much is like again, fast fashion, fast food,

fast fast communication, fast everything. Everything is just

like, move, move, move. I said, Yeah, you know what? Like

relationships can be really built to last, if we're willing

to pour into them, if we're willing to slow down and take a

look at these things, right? So ask yourself just kind of go

through this. Have I been showing consistent effort in my

relationship? Have I been commuting, communicating clearly

with my clients, with my customers, with my sweet hat,

with my best friend, whoever with my siblings, right, my

parents or whatever your thing is, right? Is there a shared

commitment here? Are we both still committed to making this

relationship, whatever kind of relationship it is, work, right?

Are we committed to growing together? Side by side on the

same team, right? Are we still putting an effort to stay

connected, right? Are we willing to compromise? Do we know how to

constructively have conflict, right, without like flinging

like names at each other and being unkind and then doing the

silent treatment, or somebody slamming the door and walking

out. Do you know how many adults, I always think of it

like this, adult children, because so many adults, we're

really just little kids in big bodies. So many adults have

abandonment issues. So let me say this, if you are somebody

who insists on being a door Slammer in a leva when you're

fighting with somebody. Do you know what would like really be

helpful is if you, first of all learned maybe a better way than

that. But also, if you are going to leave like you just need to

go outside and take a walk so you don't say something you're

gonna regret. Tell your partner, I'm going to go outside. I just

need to get some fresh air. I need to clear my head. I need to

take a walk. I don't want to say anything I'm going to regret or

anything unkind, but I'll be back. I'm coming back. I want

you to know I'm coming back to talk to you that can make a

really big difference. Okay, and then ask yourself, about these

suckers too. Do we have a shared trust here? Do I trust this

person? Do they trust me? Have I been trustworthy? Hmm, have they

been trustworthy, right? Is there mutual respect between us?

Does it flow both ways? Are we reliable with one one another.

Are we responsible? Do we keep our word to each other? Do we do

our best to not break promises, right? Do we spend time

together? Is there a true connection? Is there verbal

intimacy, emotional intimacy, physical intimacy? No, you're

not always going to have but physical intimacy doesn't always

have to be sex, right? It could be like, are we affectionate

with one another? Do we show our love? Do we hug each other? Do

we say, I love you? Do we kiss each other goodbye on the cheek,

the mouth, whatever the thing is, right? Is there appreciation

and gratitude? Do you take the time to say thank you? You're

welcome. I appreciate that. I saw you. I'm grateful for you

every day, whatever emotional awareness and empathy, do you

have emotional intelligence? Do you know what you're feeling? Do

you understand what's going on inside of you? Do you know why

you do what you do? Think, what you think, say, what you say,

believe, what you believe. You got to know yourself, right? You

got to have some emotional awareness, individual growth,

shared goals, check ins, and then hear the compromise. We

cannot forget compromise. Are you willing to compromise? Maybe

I already said that, and then here's another wicked, big one,

forgiveness. Are you willing to forgive one another for the

times when you are inevitably going to be clumsy, you are

going to be clumsy, you are going to flub it up, you are

going to trespass you. We're going to step on toes. You're

going to, like, interrupt them when there's, like, there's 1001

ways where we can be really annoying as human beings, and

we're trying to, like, build a life with somebody, and we have

to put up with each other's nuances and quirks and habits

and patterns and bullshit. So forgiveness, we have to learn

how to forgive ourselves and forgive one another. And I'm not

telling people that you need to forgive like awful, big things.

That's not for me to say, but just the day to day stuff. Can

we just fucking give each other a pass once in a while? Can we

just let some things slide once in a while, right? And if

something is really, really, really bothering you figure out

what it is about. The thing, the behavior, the pattern, he leaves

the toilet seat up. She leaves, she leaves her wet towel on the

floor, whatever, right? Whatever. The thing is, you

know, figure out why it's really bothering you, and then

communicate clearly, go back up to those C's and like, you know,

because we want, we want these things to last. So I hope this

has been helpful in some way. And again, I want to reiterate,

not all relationships are going to last right? In A Course in

Miracles, we talk about it like the three levels of teaching,

there are some relationships that are going to be like, bing,

bang, boom. They last for 30 seconds. Literally, I see you in

an elevator. We smile, we say, hi, burp. Opportunity for

connection. Beautiful. It happened right next level up is

like when we spend some time together. Maybe we went to grade

school together. Maybe we were friends, like, you know, for

like, three months at summer camp. Maybe we went to, like,

whatever, right, some relationships people come in.

You date them for a year. It's over. But time served. Like

there was a meaning, there's there was a reason why you guys

met, and then you kind, I'm kind of doing this helix thing where

I'm making my hands swim, like in this line where you're going

to come in and then you're going to go back out and, like, that's

it. And then the third level of teaching, and this is kind of

what I'm talking about today, where we. Commit to a person we

commit to a relationship, and whether that's in a family. And

look, sometimes you do need to leave your family of origin

because it is dysfunctional as

right? I'm not saying everybody should stay together forever.

Not a fan. I think when it's supposed to be, when it works,

when everybody is contributing and giving and trying to make it

work, like that's a beautiful thing, but we shouldn't stay in

situations that are damaging and dangerous and brutal. Okay,

nothing good is going to come out or violent. Nothing good is

going to come out of that. And there's lots of ways to be

violent. I'm going to have another podcast about that. But

here's the thing, right, third level of teaching. These are the

people that come into your life, and like, you spend some a good

chunk of time together. And look, I've often jokingly said,

right? Like, mentors are great. Like, the people that like, help

you teach you, it's so nice. Mentors are great, but

tormentors will take you a long way too. And it's kind of like,

and I don't mean tormenting you like they're physically harming

you, but like, sometimes we just get on each other's nerves,

right? Sometimes you just like bumping up against each other,

and whether that's siblings or like, whatever. But here's the

thing, right? That's a third level of teaching, and if both

parties are willing to commit, all relationships have the

potential to be holy relationships, if both people

are aware, and they're trying their best to love one another.

And that is the final piece here, the love. This is how

things get really saved it for last, right? This is how things

really get built to last is their love present, and not

just, Oh, I love you. Do the words and the actions? Are they

congruent? Because when there's deep love, right, people can

usually right, usually make most things work. Not always you need

the other things. You need the trust and the respect and all

that stuff, but love is such a solid foundation. And I think I

think of the three little pigs building their houses, but and

right, like straw and hay and mud and like brick or whatever,

right? Is that? Right? Yeah. And then the other thing is, I think

it's somewhere it might be in the Bible, I should probably

find I'm pretty sure it is, but it's just, I didn't read it

specifically in the Bible. But I just know this phrase of like,

build your house on rock, and not sand, and fast, fast. Fast

is how we build things, quick sand. You know what I'm saying?

Just suck you right down. Kill you, you know, but you know what

I'm saying metaphorically, build your house on rock, and the

first foundation, right, is love. So I hope this was helpful

in some way. Thank you for listening. I appreciate you so

much. I hope wherever you are, you're having a fantastic day,

and anything you want to find out about working together,

finding out shenanigans, what I'm up to, whatever. Just go to

Karen Kenney, k e n, n, e y.com. I would love to have you like,

come join the nest if you're interested in that. That's my

monthly membership program, right? It's like group, group,

spiritual mentoring and coaching. It's such a blast that

people are amazing. And there's also one to one spiritual

mentoring in the quest. There's lots of ways to stay connected.

You can just get on my email list. And if you found this, I

haven't mentioned this in a while, but if you listen to the

show regularly, you find it helpful. You find that it gets

you to think, or at least, at the very least, you're

entertained. I have a tip, ja, where you can like, I don't

know, a little love donation from the hot if that speaks to

you and you just go to Karen kenney.com/tip, ja, one word,

all right. Thank you so much. Have a fantastic rest of your

day. And wherever you go, may you leave the people, the place,

the animals, yourself, the environment, better than how you

first find it wherever you go. May you and your presence and

your energy and your love and your relationships be a

blessing. May you be out there trying to build things and

relationships that last. Bye. Hey, thanks so much for

listening to the show. I really love spending some time

together. Now, if you dig the show or know someone that could

benefit from this episode, please share it with them and

help me to spread the good word and the love. And if you want to

be in the know about all of my upcoming shenanigans, head on

over to Karen kenney.com/sign up and join my list, it'll be

wicked fun to stay in touch. Bye. You.