The Impact of a Diagnosis with Jada D’Angelo

Welcome to Parenting That Kid. My name is Ashley Tolliver. As a mom of twins, one being a highly sensitive child who responds to the world in a non traditional and sometimes challenging way. I understand the desire to find the golden answer. Maybe there is no golden answer. But there are resources, tips and tricks we can all use to help us make this uniquely normal parenting journey a little more fun. This podcast is a roadmap to parenting that kid for myself and other parents. If recording my journey as I seek a clear starting point, community and effort to normalize what sometimes feels abnormal, supports at least one parent, then my time is not wasted. And hey, if it doesn't, well, there's documented proof that moms deserve a glass of wine. Cheers.

Are you a parent who's on the fence about having your child tested and traditionally diagnosed? Are you trying to weigh the pros and cons? Are you unsure? If that's really the path you want to go down with your child? Today's episode of parenting that kid I speak with Jada D'Angelo, a counselor who has worked both in the public and private schools to get settings across the ages, Jada and I have a true in depth conversation about what that means to have a diagnosis, and what that can do and cannot do for your child. I think it's a question that many many parents tackle when they first see something different than their child. And I think it's an important topic that parents need to discuss. Because in the end, every parent wants their child to succeed and not struggle, and maybe having a diagnosis is the answer your child needs? Or maybe it's not. I hope today's conversation helps you find some clarification in that question. All right, well, thank you, Jada, for joining me today, I'm thrilled to have you on here. I am also just super blessed that I get to work in your community of people. And I know that you have a lot of experience working with students who might fall on a different side of the scale, whether it's neurodiversity, or social, emotional, there's just a lot in today's world in our children, that I brought you on a few show on about yourself, I want us to talk about the importance of having a child diagnosed or maybe not diagnosed and what that looks like on the school side. So thank you so much, can you give a little bit of a bio about yourself, and then we'll go on from there.

Sure. I'm so happy to be here. Thank you for having me. I love this topic. I could talk forever, yay, a bio about myself. Okay. Um, so I guess the short version would be that I always thought I was gonna go to medical school. And that was my path. And I was actually going to be entering medical school in August and toured a kindergarten. And I think it was April, in that time, had a two year old myself. And when I saw this particular kindergarten, and how they nourished children, and it like this light bulb went off in my mind where I thought, oh my gosh, so I wanted to be an MD and then I was going to practice functional medicine. And I saw this teacher has like, oh, wow, she is like the functional medicine version of a teacher. And I don't know, that was like pretty instantaneous. I decided right there that I was going to switch career paths. Wow. And to become an educator, which was a really big change, obviously. And I applied to school and really left in May. And I think I had two or the other school in April and decided to go pursue a master's a double masters in Waldorf education, holistic, special ed, education and with a public school certification.

Wow. Yeah, one way to go. But I

was strongly was very strongly discouraged. But I, that's what I wanted. I wanted all of it. And so I did it. And through that path was able to have been able to, not only I worked at schools before that as well. So I was I've been teaching for about, Gosh, 10 years a little bit more. But then was able to have been able to teach at public schools, and a variety of private schools, a Montessori school Waldorf to Waldorf schools. Just different environments. And I think it was about three or four years ago, really realized that my favorite part of teaching was advocating with families on behalf of students and their families. And I had another little aha moment, I want to go into counseling. So went back again, much to the dismay of my family and did a post kind of Masteral degree and now I'm doing counseling.

And now you're Wow, okay, that's like a whole bunch and very condensed and I don't my brain just went Wow, so much good for you and, and you're really good at what you're doing because I am just blessed again to be working in the same community that you're in. And I know that you have Knowledge and value to share with these students and these are the families to your right to get this really a family experience, an individual thing. So I brought you on because we had a conversation one month ago, month and a half ago about children with ADHD, we both have our walking that line in our lives as parents. And I have, I'm just like a stalker on ADHD groups, because I want to learn everything I possibly can. So mom groups, mom, blogs, books, podcasts, all of that. And one common thread that I see a lot and I get this as a mother, myself when I was starting the journey is the fear of having your child diagnosed. And the lack of support, or maybe your kid does have support but it's not the correct support and is a diagnosis necessary is support in school unnecessary. There's this fear of the label, and I say label loosely because I think we all have labels, we just don't know them. Really, there's no norm in the world. But there's that fear behind parents. And that's a common thread no matter where you live in the world. So that's why I asked you to come because I think you probably can bring some background to both sides. Yes and no, of having a diagnosis or the support at school and all of that.

Yes, it's such a good question. And you're right, I see it also both as a professional and as a mama. And I actually started you know, on that paradigm really, of not wanting my now 10 year old to be diagnosed and not wanting a label. And, you know, a small differences from a very young age and was, you know, started with occupational therapy and working to that path and then changed my mind basically changed my mind when I saw that there was a point that this difference that he was experiencing was affecting friendships, and family relationships, and causing to affect self esteem. Right? When it's saying like, what is happening, why is this different? Why am I different? Why am I not sitting to listen to this topic? Or why Gosh, why? Why did I just blurt this out? Of course, there's, you know, typical blurt outs and everything with any 10 year old, but you know, he was becoming aware of that. And I realized by not letting him know, what I had observed, and what I was already thinking, he was just starting to think that there was something like less than or, as opposed to different, right. And that is a really important minute, but actually really important viewpoint. You know, it really I was talking him into bed one night, he said, Oh, Mike, can you help me with my brain? I want to be more in control. And I want to be able to be in different scenarios, and you know, calm and not calm or, or be successful in different environments,

that's really big, Wow, way to go. It is

really big. And then I realized, yes, I can. But in order to do that, I'm going to have to address this elephant in the room, that for some reason, I felt very protective of not sharing with him, you know, my observations and not wanting to label like you're saying, and actually even resentful towards a school counselor who at one point was said, You really need to take him in and have him evaluated. And it was out of, if I'm really honest with myself that I reflect, I think it was also some of my own anxiety around that. And not, you know, being willing to say it, then I had to grieve whatever story or path I thought he was going to be on. And I wasn't quite ready for that piece. But then when I was, I started reframing in my mind, and with the students I work with, and their families, you know, I love Neil Hollowell. And he's always saying, like, oh, it's not, you know, a disorder, it's just a difference. And when I really started working with that, really started believing that and really, you know, meeting all these different brains that are so diverse and so different, and so wonderful, and just all part of this tapestry of this colorful world that we're in and stopped quantifying things as normal, not normal, or less than more than I realized, well, gosh, like, why if I have a slow metabolism, I would hate for someone not to tell me so that I didn't know that I could, you know, whatever, wake up at this time, or go to sleep at this time and prove it, or that I could start eating more and kind of anti dieting to build up my metabolism? I would hate not to know that. Yeah. And then my son is the same way. Why would he and then he's like, oh, so my brain is different. So I guess it's different because Oh, so then we can you know, I said, now we can give you some tools, and you can learn how to work with yourself. It's not just that you can't quote sit still, you know, he actually doesn't he's not necessarily like the hyperactive piece of that but just as an example, you know, the flexibility to super hyper focus. Yeah, no, oh, why can't I hear you when you're saying like, Go Go, go do this. Go do this. Go do this. And then I get in trouble. What is that, you know, why is my cousin able to hear his mom and I don't hear us in all of these tools. And it really switched I, in my personal experience saw him become much more empowered.

Yeah, it's like you gave them the power, you handed him the power to understand that and feel so home to me, because that's the same very similar situation with my daughter. And I, I was very nervous to share the technical words with her ADHD or, you know, add whatever your child might be on, because of the label. But I also thought, gosh, if we share what that is, imagine the world that I just open for her and all the things. And then to share there are so many things like you're talking about metabolism, there are so many things in this world that are have labels, and when you just naturally save them, or your green eyes, or you know, you're lucky, you're a righty, like, it's just how we and I had I share with my daughter, it's just so that we can verbally communicate with each other that we can share so that you know what I'm talking about. But it doesn't mean any difference in your brother's brain or your dad or your grandma or anything like that. We all have these uniqueness about us that we have to have a verbal word to share. And then it feels empowering to them. They've done

and then I think to parents, for me, I mean, for me, for sure, it feels empowering, because it makes things make so much more sense. Mm hmm. And then I can be proactive.

Yeah, absolutely. So how do you see that then, like, if there's a parent, I'm going to play the other side? And there's a parent that says, I don't want my kid to No, I absolutely don't. And we're just gonna go along with all the stuff that we have to go along with that I'm going to keep that as a secret from my child. How do you feel like as a counselor, somebody works with his child that you have to walk that fine line and yet still support them? Because you know that there's something there that they need these tools? And then how do you think that's gonna affect the child in the long run? Or even short term? Like you said, relationships that's so big? It's really it is a

tricky slide, because secrets never well, I shouldn't say secrets never turned out well, but you know, it is, it is almost like the elephant in the room, when you're trying to talk to the teachers about these differences, get support for these differences, potentially seeing different medical advisors, you know, our holistic doctors, acupuncture, whatever you're doing, but you don't want your child to know. Like, why? Yeah, especially with an ADHD or a DD brain, because, you know, like that, why can be very important, very important, and you might not be getting any buy in whatsoever. And you're spending all this money on these great alternative integrative therapies, and you're trying to get the protein out in the morning. And it's just like, No, I'm not cooperating, and why would I

write? Like, why am I consulted? Why would I do that, because it's the next step to go you have to put shoes on because that's the next step to go to here. You have to know the why.

And I really feel like in those brains, I mean, other family members as well, that y piece is extraordinarily, you know, important. So I, it can be done. But there does come of age where I really think it's, it's pretty impossible to proceed without having a conversation around that. Especially in a school setting, if you're wanting support because there does come a line where if the support and both as an educator and speaking, you know, of having had these families and these students, most teachers have wonderful hearts, and wonderful intentions and really want to help but you can be asking too much of your teacher and individual attention for a child. And if you are not willing, or wanting to have the testing or the quote unquote label, then you can really be stretching that teacher thin, very thin and most schools usually around third grade, it depends on the school will get to a point where they're going to notice that you are just asking for more resources and that human being can offer and if you need more resources that you are actually going to have to do some sort of testing. And it's it's helpful you know, I've seen it I've seen all the way to college, someone not doing testing and then getting the college and just crashing and burning and getting the testing as an adult. And then getting accommodations in college is much more difficult than entering if that's your purpose and intention and entering secondary education with those in place. So anytime I need high school student that is their family is on the fence. I'm always strongly encouraging that so it's so much easier pre college then once you're

in I would also imagine like college or even high school when your relationships and emotions are huge and your life yourself. You know verbal abuse your own self is really awful at that point. If you've had struggle all these years and never know Don't why or what or how to help that you're going to tell yourself awful things. And you're going to start to believe that where maybe had you known so much earlier in your life, you'd have gone. Oh, that's because and then there's this to help me kind of thing. Absolutely.

As you work through, really, I mean, high school, I wouldn't ever say there's any point that's too late, you know, I have a beloved family members who are in their 40s, who haven't yet officially received a diagnosis. And I think it's just now starting to come to a point where like, Oh, I think I want to do this, why? Why are my co workers able to take this exam, and I study four times as long and I still fail, you know, instead of just invalidating yourself, you know, it still it. So it's never too late to learn about your brain. Never, ever, but I have seen many cases where in high school with that greater freedom, and more opportunity to make serious decisions as far as like impulse control is concerned with more serious consequence, that I personally do like to have students have supports as well. And like that support going into high school. Yeah, can be pretty tricky to be, you know, 16 and not knowing that you are seeing things different or that you could be more impulsive, or what does a lower level dopamine mean for your brain? You know, as far as blinking and experimenting, does that mean? It's like an educational piece? can be pretty tricky, too. I just think, again, it's all about empowering, empowering, empowering, empowering.

Yeah, you touched on that, that felt like that's a fear of mine. That lower level of dopamine, because that's what they seek that right? Well, we all love dopamine. I mean, that is why we all are happy to be in, you know, Christmas was coming or, you know, you got turkey a little bit more. And we all love that. And but they just have that lower level. So they seek it and they find it and it's amazing. And but in high school, they're already that frontal lobe is already like, Man, I'm not gonna be awake yet. Have ability to make right choices, and then you crave something. And so you go out to do that, and to find that, and you know, and then that's the impulse control can really struggle and that that's a hidden fear of mine that I know, I'm already like, how do we work on finding that happiness now at a young age, it's within those boundaries, because you know, you're gonna need just who you are, and you're not. And you mentioned that the parent, the teachers being overwhelmed. The other other side, I would say to that is that when we got diagnosed, when my daughter was diagnosed, the pediatrician gave me all these things I was supposed to say to her to her teacher, or ideas or things, say to her teacher, and I thanked her. And you know, they're all wonderful. And I've already had many conversations with her teacher, and it's just the blessing of where she is in school right now. But it was to let the teacher know that she cannot yell or reprimand the child is saying that she would to maybe do other students because her brain will not hear that. And again, I have had many conversations, and we love her teacher. And so it's never been a concern. But that triggered me going, Oh, my gosh, I mean, a teacher needs to know, too, because if they're talking to the child next to your child the same way, it's not going to click, it's just over their head.

Absolutely. I mean, I had a student once that was dealing with a different neuro difference. And first impulse was no, like, Would you like ice cream? No. Would you like this? No, everything was no. So it was really quite shocking when I'm beginning of the year. You know, at first, it was just like, oh, okay, and then it's and then it but it was consistent and predictable, and certain that it was going to be no. And so by talking to his parents and learning about this difference, I was able to not put any attention or energy into that, because he did not mean it. It was an impulsive answer. Right. And but you would see when another teacher would come in, or a substitute or specialist, how, what what do you know where and then is that a behavioral issue? Is that something we need to address is that, you know, there's a whole list of things and a whole path. You could go down with that, if you don't understand. And you don't know. So again, yes, it's so empowering for the teacher. I really appreciated those conversations with parents, I always have those conversations with teachers of either my own kiddos or students and most of the time. Gosh, I I actually don't ever remember if there has not been a time when I've had a one on one talk with the teacher that they didn't almost like take a breath of like relief. Okay, so this is what's happening. And then sometimes there's concern about how in the world can I now support this student like, what is this list that you're asking me to not do? Then that's where luckily, you know, you have students support and it does. That's another important piece, because really even a lot of private schools and they can vary but even specific ones I personally have worked at in the Austin area will not consistently provide accommodations past third grade.

Is that because of like legal documentation, or is that Kids grow up out of it. What's, why would somebody bubbles in it and not need support?

Well, you know, there's a, it's a kind of, there's a couple of layers. One is that academically, pretty much all curriculums, no matter what pedagogy you're with, there is quite a big jump in third grade is kind of where it starts getting real. academic expectations are higher. There's also resources. So the school a lot of schools are looking at the point of Okay, so if we need to now be providing like pullout and one on one, and maybe an aid and this, like, we definitely need to make sure that we're having the support there. And it can be a big, yes, like you're saying, legally, some schools, I mean, public schools, it's different, you know, it starts are very much earlier. Depending on that district, if you're really requesting like additional accommodations and supports, they are there, you're going to you don't just go into the school and say, Oh, my child needs this help, you're going to need documentation. And private schools, there can be a lot of more fluctuation. But I think that they have just learned through empirical evidence like WOOT right around this period, this is a good point to know, because academics are about to kick up, social emotional interaction change a lot in third grade. So then you have a lot of more social pressure that, you know, it's not as typical for first kinder and second graders, it really amps up in third grade, and even more in fourth and fifth. So a lot of different layers for that. But it is a big traditional testing starts in third grade other more typical environments. So

yeah, and you spoke of relationships. And then that changes, like there's a shift, and I remember shipped in third grade, and sixth or seventh, it was like we were all you people, and then all right, and then you don't even know even in high school. Yeah, there's that shift and third grade. And if a child, like you'd mentioned relationships is one thing you notice with your son, and I, it's something we probably noticed about a year ago with our daughter, like, we really have to work on fostering other relationships, not just the ones that she's managed to cling to that are working really well. But if she, if you don't support that, when that third grade period comes, and every child is starting to go through that change, you can really just bring them down even more, and the struggle just is heightened. And unfortunately, the resources are not there, or there are less resources, now you really have a mountain to climb. Absolutely. I

mean, I don't even like speaking of relationships, if it's looks as if he is making a new friend, and this is going to be something we're going to have them at our house, he's going to go there, I usually will even speak to their parents and just have an open dialogue about differences. Like, you know, just any Yes, you know, safety concerns at the house and just share like that there truly is, like, he's not this, this child presents as really can't be left alone. Or there can't be anything in that home, you know, there is no impulse control is very low and just have these type of conversations so that they're ready as well. And then he has a pleasant experience. And then I don't put him into situations where he would fail. Right. So all those pieces that I wouldn't know that if I hadn't known that, oh, this is what's happening with him.

Right. I know, I think that the label fear is so terrifying. But I think it's also some power and for the parent to know, and the child, you know, there's this article I read about if your child is labeled, they can't do all these things as an adult. So a simple explanation be like joining the military, if your child has these certain labels, they can't do all these things. But there is this there was a sense of like, what we're taking opportunities away, but maybe there's opportunities would not have really been there anyway, because there would have been no support along the journey. And we don't know what the end outcome is going to be anyway. But if we don't give the support through these next years, whatever happens at the end probably won't be as powerful and good for them.

And that's for sure my husband was very much in that camp, do not do not was I do not I do not want any labels, I do not want any documentation. And if that really does matter to you. You know, when we first went this pack, we did it all privately. He did not share those test results with my son for at least two years. Okay. And I did not do it through the I did not use do any testing through the public school. He was out at that time. I did it all privately. So then I could share things with his teacher but it wasn't documented through the school.

So that's an option. I didn't I honestly didn't even know that was an option because we just did the pediatrician way. I didn't know you could do that privately. Wow.

Okay. And then, you know, I've evolved to where like you're saying, Okay, I really don't and I would tell the teacher he we haven't shared this with him. But this is the case. Now I wasn't requesting an aide or even a 504 or IEP necessarily, so that could have changed. You know, at that time, we didn't really need extra time for testing or any of those resources so that could have changed but it would just help the teacher you know, at one point he kept getting in trouble for wiggling whoo big surprise. In this school used, like taking recess away, which of course breaks any like brothers or counselors or one's heart that knows, but at least by talking to his teacher there, they said, Okay school, he's gonna walk the track. Because that is even that little piece is huge right then as opposed to sitting against a wall, which just hate to see any child, you know, neuro normal, typical, it's terrible, but that conversation was, you know, looking at how he can walk the track. So he's moving, you know, waving. Not my ideal but better. So just little things like that my husband really was. So anti label and I think he has come a, you know, he's come around, and it's starting to shift as far as you know, what these labels would mean, and what they would the influences that they would cause and, you know, I laugh because my husband is a firefighter, and I go in the fire station, and like 99.99% of all firefighters are definitely not neurotypical

they are because they're creative. You have to be able to climb into fire belly and you need you're craving that dopamine.

You go into er, these brilliant ER doctors. Yeah, a lot of them are not I'm not gonna say every single word of course, but you know, there's a lot of neuro diversity in jobs that you might that are actually really well esteemed. Yes.

Oh my god. Yeah, we actually looked at people I said, when, when I started sharing with my daughter, I really was trying to figure out how do we share this and make it possible so really, chocolate everybody brain is different in our family. You know, Daddy does this grandmother says your brothers this and, and she started to get that and now she'll get my brains different. And it's just so nonchalant. Yep, my brains different. Like, Isn't that so cool? And we talked about how awesome that is. And then we'll talk about the people who have a brain similar to hers, which just really makes her feel empowered. If she wants about some zookeeper that she loves. Oh, their brains like mine, then it really gets her on this train to actually be more motivated. I will say she goes, Okay, I won't be like that. And off she goes, where it takes a lot of motivation for yes.

I mean, so many apps. It's so beautiful. I love that. That is like the pixie dust, you know, those are the moments were when you're in power when we taught him about his brain. Then he realized, you know, he was playing baseball, like the worst possible position is outfield. The worst? Like there's my son. Let me go. There's my son doing a cartwheel. There's, you know, like, no way. And then when we were talking about his brain one day, he says, Oh, I bet I'd be a good catcher. Yeah, actually. And you know, the tenacity is like, out of this world, right with this usually with these type of brains. So he worked his little rear end off and this coach did the best possible thing and told him he wasn't good enough to be a catcher. So of course that just makes him want it more so that was what thank you that's a that coach was looking way and worked and became a catcher and is a stellar therefore focus people keep coming up to me and I just makes me laugh so much, because they say his focus is like incredible. It's, it's I can't dopamine. It's just like coursing through his body. He is right there. In Action. Oh, I love it.

Oh, those are success stories. And that's that's it right there have not had he not known and how to adjust life to create that moment. That would

mess Oh, I love it. He would just Could you hear you know, not always but I come in the mirror, I should say I will put this on myself. I commonly hear oh, my ADHD, kiddo, spouse, etc, etc. is not a good athlete. It's pretty common, and that he would have just thought he was bad at baseball. Not true. I really don't think that is true at all. It's just you have to find the right you have to know yourself. And if you know what's happening, then you can know yourself. And then you find your spot. And then you know, that's how you can Oh, weird I would have I excel in

this. And Excel is the word because they once they find something. I mean, they're more I would say the students and children that I know that have ADHD are actually more dedicated in areas than I probably would put any,

and that can turn someone's entire viewpoint of themselves around. We have a girl like that in our community and really, like I would hear continual negativity about her behaviors. And when she figured out No, no, no, she can. She is like the best soccer goalie Ever. Which is similar right to the catcher, and all those behaviors that were kind of being complained about. And, you know, I live in a small town. So unfortunately, this stuff trickles. So oh, now when I hear about her, it's like oh my gosh, she's an amazing goalie. So cool. And what a different viewpoint what a different reputation and in your community to have a different self view, a different I mean, the implications of that are endless, right. Endless. Have you

worked with children where you've seen the growth of that. I mean, I know you've seen in your own child, but have you worked with children where you've seen them struggling and you're, you are helping counsel them at school or at school? And then as they grow, and they learn, and they become who they are. Have you seen that growth? Oh, yes,

I Gosh, I'll tell you. I mean, to be quick, but it's one of my favorite stories is when I met him, he was 17. And there had been some testing and like diagnosis, but way back, I think in third grade, and then just kind of you know, especially with this whole COVID and online learning, just kind of completely dropped, and was essentially being told you like, you're not going to graduate high school. And already older because I had to repeat a grade. Oh, gosh, right. So there's a lot of there were a lot of factors there. But I just fell in love with this kiddo. Just and His Amazing Brain I was so is not what is so different than many of his peers. And the more I you know, connection is so important, you know, connection, how do we get dopamine connection, movement, all these things. So he, I really put extra attention to connect with him. And when I started learning more about his story, he was such a genius because like, as we were locked down, he was riding his bike around downtown Austin, and parking outside of restaurants to watch the chef's because he likes cooking. Yes. So here is the online during his classes. No, not necessarily. Is he like, you know, pretty much incapable of sitting in front of a computer listening to someone talk? Yeah. But is he strolling around downtown Austin, because his favorite person ever was Anthony Bourdain. And so he is looking at some a chef stole him. Because day after day, you'd be outside just watching and taking notes. And they saw him and invited him in and himself a job as a line cook. I know he ended up working, I think he's still now working at the Hilton downtown. And he was just not only did he graduate, but he was just accepted into the Seattle Culinary Academy. And this was a kid is a kid I keep saying why is because he graduated. So in my mind, you know, was it kiddo that had very neurotypical siblings and was a youngest and was so down on himself and has an you know, family? There's a lot of disappointment around that and not understanding military family, very academically gifted siblings, just true misconception not understanding of him and the see his self esteem, and self appreciation and validation. Really, like, I feel like it was like my kid when I graduated, it was like, like, I mean, so wonderful. And I cannot wait to see what he's going to do. Because he is amazing. And I just cannot wait. I really cannot wait. I always tell him when you open your restaurant, a window table. I'll be there opening night. That was somewhat unusual to be, you know, 17 No, 19. But kind of, you know, what some would consider later in the process, really, but huge turnaround and transformative.

Cool. That is so that's so fun. Those are the stories that make this this diagnosis really magical because it is and there's just people just don't know, right? They see and a struggle is so intense. It's so real, but they don't see the other side. This is so cool.

He was just came and he kept coming over and seeing me and his self talk was so derogatory. So derogatory, I know he would never speak about a friend like that. And that's how he was speaking about Himself. And it took a while but at one point, I just realized, no, you're not stupid, dumb, all these terms that he was labeling himself but failure, etc, etc, etc, different. And when I would share his story about you know, his culinary skills, and then he would he started cooking for different teachers and everyone's viewpoint is able to change Yeah, I didn't know you. I mean, gosh, just such a cool person. Such a cool person and that I see versions of that a lot. Although that was kind of recent and has been on my mind.

Oh my gosh, that's so cool. Okay, so what would you say to parents who who are at the beginning of this they either have a diagnosis and they haven't shared their child they don't know if they need to go get a diagnosis or maybe they know they need to and they don't want to do you have any tips or advice or words of wisdom on that end?

It sounds very basic, but over and over I see Do not take this personally. Just start there like if I was just working with a second grade mama she's seeing all sorts of signs that she's not willing to do more because she is taking this behavior so personal as in such as like a lack of a fault a was it something prenatally birth labor? You know, if you are seeing differences in your kiddo between Like You're a detective and just notice them, step back. Don't blame yourself. Don't fault yourself. Don't start trying to label yourself. Notice it, but be honest. And just start noticing and then start seeking out professionals that you trust. And you like, and that takes some work. And I'm not gonna lie about that. It really does that really does. Get it care team for yourself, and start inching towards those steps. And when you know, when you will, if you are feeling that there is a difference or something going on there, kiddo, you are the biggest, the best and most knowledgeable expert of your kid out there is. Most likely, unless you you know, there are a few scenarios that wouldn't be the case. But there probably is a difference. You're right. Right. And kiddos don't want to struggle. kiddos do not want to be in trouble all the time. kiddos don't want to not like school, they don't want to have a hard time with relationships they want to play, they want to connect, they want to enjoy themselves. So if you're seeing that adverse chronically and more than not, trust your gut, don't take it personally. And just pretend like you're a detective and go to work, you know, just research it and just try to be as impartial as possible. And just keep every time those feelings come up, you know, acknowledge the grief or the fear. But don't project that on your kid. You know, if you need to go get an ADHD coach for you, or you know a counselor for yourself, like dialogue and process that as an adult, and then just be that detective and that advocate for your child and build your team. And it will take some time. But once you beat your team, it'll be so well worth it. And then you just start learning tools and then never stops. It's not as if you want a tool and you're like No, no, no, no, no.

It doesn't stop it actually grows because your child grows and they've learned things or their tools need to shift. It's like anything in parenting. Right? You think you've mastered it? And boom, no, you have it. You have to go on to the next and the next. Yes, that's such good advice that is find your team and be the detective. I say that to people all the time when they asked me, how did you learn so much about your child and I, I started with my son who I'm pretty sure has ADD I just know enough about my daughter and the tools there that we're just incorporating it over for him right now. And we're dealing with her and then we'll go to him. But I just I started literally writing things down. I used to use old notebooks and old calendars. And I would just write them down today to you know, he ate this or this happened. And then I would look for patterns. And I would look for moments in time, like were we crazy busy and not giving him the time you needed or were we really slow and he was just like craving. And after just documenting for two weeks, I just document I even pulled on my phone, like the notes there wherever I could just put something. And after two weeks, I quickly learned a lot about him. And then from there, I was able to go and do some research, like you said, find your care team, find out who I needed as a parent and who he needed. And again, repeat all this for my daughter. Right? Yeah, that's yeah. And I think it helps you become your own advocate and advocate for your child because you have proof, right? You have this two week documentation, which is proof enough for me that I know something is different, right? And then I was like, Okay, I'm gonna advocate for this because this is what didn't work. And now we're switching and this is what does work. And so I need other people to know, this is what does work. Yes. And you'll hear push backs and negativity. And I always say, you're always gonna get that that's just the world and just be that strong advocate for your child. Like, you know, this is what's working for them. So this is what we keep doing.

100% I agree. I mean, I couldn't agree more. That's great. And I really think that that detective journaling viewpoint really, at least for me, it really does help me not take it personally because I will take it all on like, oh, gosh, you know, and then not I might be thinking what did I do what's happening? Then that is most likely where the whole stigma around the label even comes from you. Right? As opposed to just like, oh, there's a difference. Like, oh, yes, I have freckles. And you do not know I'm not going to lament the fact that I have freckles. You know, and like, why did you give me freckles? Brother?

sleep over it. sunscreen.

I've been checked every once in a while, make sure everything's fine.

I like that. Well, thank you Jada so much. Oh, one more question. Do you have any books that you read as a parent or maybe a counselor that you encourage? Or that you think are really good books?

Oh, yes. Gosh, so many. Um, so when you have younger kiddos, my favorite book for like toddler baby age is any of the Janet lensbury Yeah. And it's really like her audio if you have an opportunity to listen because a lot of people will talk about conscious parenting, but you don't have too many opportunities to actually hear a dialogue out. And if you listen to her, you know I used to write down some of the phrases that she would use and then just copy those so that because it's a that can be a whole nother podcast, conscious not permissive parenting. So she writes He's good. It's great language. And so that's really I love that for toddler and babies. I love what happened to you just as an adult. Just to understand trauma and trauma influences, and what that can look like for your family and like family tree, and, and not necessarily, you know, ADHD or no differences, but sometimes there is an earlier traumatic event that you know, it will overstressed it's a nervous system. So it's very helpful. I think that's really helpful just to learn all about the nervous system and how this all works. And it's a good read. And it's yes, I just love that book. What is it called again? What happened to you? Like? Oprah Winfrey is one of the co authors and I can't remember the doctor off the top, I saw his name and flush my brain and left, but those are the two I would course all of the the brain or teaches you the model of the brain. You know what? Yes, yes, yes. Yes. You know, in Austin, we she actually moved, but we had a great resource. We still have Carrie Conti, she's been on USA Today and several other shows. She does not have a book per se, but she does have quite a lot of literature and her whole concentration is around almost like parenting the parent. Mm hmm. She's a really good resource, as well.

Yeah, she's a good Yeah. Yeah. Well, thank you, Jada. These are wonderful. And thank you for sharing your words of wisdom here.

Of course, thank you for having me. I could talk about this all day with you. Who knows what's happening my house. I better not talk about it all day.