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In this episode I speak with client Heather Hester a podcast host and coach for parents and allies of LGBTQIA+ adolescents and young adults. She believes the coming out process is beautiful. She works with her clients to let go of fear and the feelings of isolation so that they can reconnect with themselves and their child in a meaningful, grounded way.
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Featured on The Show:
Hey welcome to sheet coaches coaches, I'm your
Candy Motzek:host Kandi motsek. And I'm going to help you find the clarity,
Candy Motzek:confidence and courage to become the coach that you were meant to
Candy Motzek:be. If you're a new coach, or if you've always wanted to be a
Candy Motzek:life coach, then this is the place for you. We're going to
Candy Motzek:talk all about mindset and strategies and how to because
Candy Motzek:step by step only works when you have the clarity, courage and
Candy Motzek:confidence to take action. Let's get started. Hey, friends, and
Candy Motzek:welcome to she coaches coaches. I've got another special guest
Candy Motzek:episode here for you. Today. I'm interviewing Heather Hester. Now
Candy Motzek:Heather is a podcast host and a coach for parents and allies of
Candy Motzek:LGBTQ i A plus adolescents and young adults. She believes that
Candy Motzek:the coming out process is beautiful. She works with her
Candy Motzek:clients to let go of fear and the feelings of isolation so
Candy Motzek:they can reconnect with themselves and their child in a
Candy Motzek:meaningful, grounded way. She is a writer, a mother of four, two
Candy Motzek:of whom are LGBTQIA. And a student of life who believes in
Candy Motzek:embracing the messiness opening to education, strengthening
Candy Motzek:through empowerment, and overcoming anything with love.
Candy Motzek:Her podcast is called Just breathe, parenting, your LGBTQ
Candy Motzek:plus teen podcast. Heather is a remarkable woman. And even
Candy Motzek:though her official bio is impressive, there were a few
Candy Motzek:things it doesn't say. So let me tell you the real deal. I could
Candy Motzek:tell you my perspective on Heather. But I think these
Candy Motzek:comments about her podcast are so much more evocative of the
Candy Motzek:woman that I'm speaking with today. So let me read some of
Candy Motzek:them to you. Powerful, profound, so needed, what a breath of
Candy Motzek:fresh air. Your centered, calming voice and demeanor
Candy Motzek:helped me feel so peaceful. I have learned so much and feel so
Candy Motzek:much less alone after listening. And I think that probably gives
Candy Motzek:you a pretty good idea of the kind of individual that Heather
Candy Motzek:is. Alright, you're ready. Let's dive in. Welcome, Heather. I'm
Candy Motzek:so glad you're here.
Heather Hester:Thank you so much candy, I am delighted to be
Heather Hester:here. Thank you for inviting me. And that is rather humbling to
Heather Hester:hear you read that out loud.
Candy Motzek:Right. That's what I thought too. Usually I write
Candy Motzek:something and I'm like, this is incredible. I'm looking at your
Candy Motzek:website. And I'm like, when like, you know, I'm assuming
Candy Motzek:that you put those comments on your website, and they're from
Candy Motzek:reviews of your podcast. And it's all fine and dandy to copy
Candy Motzek:and paste them. But then when you hear somebody else say them
Candy Motzek:to you, you're like, oh my gosh, right? Like,
Heather Hester:yes, I got a little teared up, I have to be
Heather Hester:honest, I
Unknown:was like, that's really nice that they said those
Unknown:things. I'm so glad they felt that way.
Candy Motzek:And not only that they felt that way. But I know
Candy Motzek:how hard it is to leave a review for podcasts like you really
Candy Motzek:have to put the effort in to go through the steps and put that
Candy Motzek:in. So it's not just that they said the words, but they really
Candy Motzek:invested their time and giving you that feedback. To me that's
Candy Motzek:just like,
Heather Hester:everything. It really is. It really is for you
Heather Hester:know, all of us who have ever left or attempted to leave a
Heather Hester:review. It's not an easy process, you would think it
Heather Hester:would be a lot easier. But yeah, it's it. It's very intentional
Heather Hester:process. So I do not take that lightly that people have kindly
Heather Hester:left their really honest thoughts and feelings. So
Candy Motzek:yeah, right. I love it. So let's start with
Candy Motzek:your story. Tell me a little bit about your story. And, you know,
Candy Motzek:I know that it's the precursor to why you're doing everything
Candy Motzek:that you do. So I'd love to hear it. Sure.
Heather Hester:I will, I will do my best to give you the very
Heather Hester:high level cliffnotes version of it. But essentially, I am the
Heather Hester:mom of four and my oldest came out as gay five years ago. In
Heather Hester:fact, it will be five years next Wednesday, and I remembered the
Heather Hester:date specifically because not only wasn't my father in law's
Heather Hester:birthday, but my husband and I had gone out of town for a
Heather Hester:Couples Retreat weekend. And my parents As we're watching my
Heather Hester:kids now my kids at the time or Connor, who's the one who came
Heather Hester:out, he was 16. He is 21. Now, he was 16. And then they were
Heather Hester:1311, and nine. So they were in that lovely, you know,
Heather Hester:adolescent preteen teen time, which I'm sure many of you can
Heather Hester:identify with. And my parents were so lovely to all, you know,
Heather Hester:they helped us out a lot. They lived out of town, but they
Heather Hester:would come in once a year. So we could go out of town. This was
Heather Hester:like a really big deal. I was so excited. And about six and hours
Heather Hester:into being on this couple's retreat at a spa, which is like
Heather Hester:my holy grail. My mother called that Conor was missing. And
Heather Hester:after a few hours of searching, calling the police calling
Heather Hester:friends, I caught her finally picked up his phone. And he
Heather Hester:answered, crying hysterically. And he said, Mom, I've got to
Heather Hester:tell you something. And I, you know, of course, I was so
Heather Hester:delighted just to hear his voice. And he said, I am gay.
Heather Hester:And I said, Thank God, I thought you were dead. Verbatim. That is
Heather Hester:what I said to him. And he was like, you could just hear the
Heather Hester:relief in his voice. He was so scared that we were not going to
Heather Hester:accept him. And he was my staying with my parents. Like I
Heather Hester:said, my parents are very conservative Christian, that is
Heather Hester:how I grew up. He knew that it would not be okay with them. And
Heather Hester:so by, you know, even though we always had talked about very
Heather Hester:openly about so many things in our home, he thought that that
Heather Hester:would not be okay with us either. So fast forward, Connor,
Heather Hester:we get home, we start to learn, we start to ask questions, we he
Heather Hester:starts to ask questions. Over the course of about six to eight
Heather Hester:months, Connor went from being the kind of your typical oldest
Heather Hester:child pleaser, overachiever, high academic overachiever,
Heather Hester:loved playing sports, just all these very social, did a total
Heather Hester:180 and went into this incredibly dark place. Now, one
Heather Hester:of the many, many things that he shared with us was that he had
Heather Hester:known for three years before he told us, he had sat with that
Heather Hester:for three years. And nobody knew he didn't share with anybody.
Heather Hester:And so once he came out, it was kind of like a little bit of
Heather Hester:ripping off the band aid, but not so much like it's kind of
Heather Hester:like when the bandaid still on, and it's like still pulling the
Heather Hester:hairs on your arm. Like that's kind of what it was right? So he
Heather Hester:went into this place of extreme self loathing and extreme
Heather Hester:depression, and got himself into some very dangerous behaviors.
Heather Hester:And to the point where we had to remove him from our town that we
Heather Hester:live in, and had to find a safe place for him to be and and
Heather Hester:doing this, we almost lost him to suicide, and a plethora of
Heather Hester:other things occurred. So this is just in the first eight
Heather Hester:months. And we have these other three little wonderful beings.
Heather Hester:So we are on this journey, that we had no idea who to talk to
Heather Hester:where to find information, where to get support for Connor, where
Heather Hester:to get support for us, because as I'm sure many of you can
Heather Hester:relate to, even now, five years later, it is much different. But
Heather Hester:it is still that it's hard to know who your it's safe to talk
Heather Hester:to. And it where you can find. You know, there are some great
Heather Hester:national organizations such as PFLAG, and Trevor Project. But
Heather Hester:local, it's hard. And so we were kind of wading through a lot of
Heather Hester:different things at one time, very steep learning curve, et
Heather Hester:cetera, et cetera. So Connor ended up being away from home
Heather Hester:for seven months. And upon his return, we had some time there
Heather Hester:where it was just kind of this lovely. Like, I always refer to
Heather Hester:it as like the eye of the hurricane. And where we could
Heather Hester:all I'll kind of take a breath. And at that point, I thought,
Heather Hester:You know what, this has been hell. For us, for Connor, for
Heather Hester:his brother and sisters. No other family should ever have to
Heather Hester:go through this. And I know there's 1000s upon 1000s of
Heather Hester:families going through the same exact thing. And every single
Heather Hester:one of us are feeling isolated. And so at that moment, I
Heather Hester:decided, I'm going to do something about this. And so
Heather Hester:that was when I created my website, which is chrysalis,
Heather Hester:mama.com. And I just really started as a resource site. And
Heather Hester:as I found really solid resources, I would throw it in
Heather Hester:there. And then I'm a writer, kind of by trade. So I just
Heather Hester:would start through, I started throwing in blog pieces and
Heather Hester:things just kind of my stream of consciousness thought. About a
Heather Hester:year after that, I started the podcast, and it has been this
Heather Hester:lovely, lovely adventure. Not only have I met so many
Heather Hester:extraordinary people, it has been very healing for me, for my
Heather Hester:husband, for Connor, who has been my guest on at least four
Heather Hester:episodes, if not more, I think. But, you know, allowing him to
Heather Hester:share his story and his perspective. And as I've done
Heather Hester:that, you know, I've realized that people have started
Heather Hester:sharing, and people have started reaching out to me, and I've
Heather Hester:thought, Okay, well, this is, this is really kind of cool. I
Heather Hester:can connect in this way. And I can provide support and provide
Heather Hester:just some something right, so people don't feel so alone. And
Heather Hester:you know, there there's a lot more to Connor specific story,
Heather Hester:which if you are interested in curious, you can find on my
Heather Hester:website, you can also find encounters episodes, if you want
Heather Hester:to hear it directly from him. So that is that is my long winded
Heather Hester:answer. I'm very sorry, Kenny. But that that is
Candy Motzek:that was sorry. That was great. And I think one
Candy Motzek:of the things that's so powerful is that when you listen to your
Candy Motzek:podcast, you get to hear Connors perspective on it as well, you
Candy Motzek:know, so you're supporting the parents and allies of this
Candy Motzek:youth. But then they use could also hear a perspective too. And
Candy Motzek:so that is a very, that's a very unusual place to be able to see
Candy Motzek:both sides of the relationship, the coming out how a
Candy Motzek:relationship develops, how parents can support kids, how
Candy Motzek:allies can support youth, and then to hear the youth side of
Candy Motzek:it as well. Right. So I've got a question for you. I always have
Candy Motzek:questions. I'm a coach, I've got a million questions, right. And
Candy Motzek:they're always
Heather Hester:good.
Candy Motzek:Yeah, if you were able to share with any of the
Candy Motzek:listeners on this episode, especially those who are on this
Candy Motzek:journey. So first place that you would direct them to. Now I just
Candy Motzek:have to tell you that not everybody that listens is in the
Candy Motzek:US. We've got quite a wide international community, but of
Candy Motzek:course, everybody has Google. Right? So first place that you
Candy Motzek:would go, you know, especially for these parents, grandparents,
Candy Motzek:guardians, aunts and uncles, where would you go to get a
Candy Motzek:start?
Heather Hester:Honestly, at this point, where I am right
Heather Hester:now, I would direct people to my podcast, because I There are so
Heather Hester:many different pieces of information and topics that are
Heather Hester:covered and questions. I do a lot of that not a lot, but I've
Heather Hester:done several episodes with specific listener questions. So
Heather Hester:I really try to there's a lot of what people are wondering, you
Heather Hester:know, thinking asking, and it's theirs, there's zero judge Enos
Heather Hester:about us, that's very just, I'm, for better for worse. I'm, I'm
Heather Hester:very real on it. So even, I mean, especially when it's
Heather Hester:Connor and I talking back and forth, like you really get a
Heather Hester:good sense of it's, it's real. And so, because that's, you
Heather Hester:know, as I'm sure many of you can imagine, has been a big part
Heather Hester:of this journey is our relationship and how did that
Heather Hester:You know, how did it grow? How did it change?
Candy Motzek:So, and it shows people what's possible for them
Candy Motzek:to? Absolutely, yeah. Yeah. I wonder what that would have been
Candy Motzek:like for you and your family if your podcast already existed in
Candy Motzek:some form, because you curate resources on the podcast as
Candy Motzek:well. You kind of have a bit of everything on there, right?
Heather Hester:I do. Yes. It would have been phenomenal. I
Heather Hester:mean, you my husband, and I talk about that all the time, like
Heather Hester:the things that oh, my gosh, wouldn't that have been so great
Heather Hester:if we could have known that or been able to see that or read
Heather Hester:that or whatever, it is so
Candy Motzek:cool. I'm just thinking about the potential
Candy Motzek:impact that it could have on anybody, you know, and they just
Candy Motzek:go to the player, they find the podcast, and who knows how it
Candy Motzek:will transform a life? How it will make somebody's life that
Candy Motzek:much easier? Because they find you?
Heather Hester:Well, I think it's definitely universal
Heather Hester:information. And you don't have to be a parent or an ally. You
Heather Hester:have to be a human being. Right. So I'm sure is uncomfortable for
Heather Hester:people. But uncomfortable is not bad. Uncomfortable is good.
Heather Hester:Right?
Candy Motzek:So how we think about the uncomfortable exile,
Candy Motzek:like if we resist it, and push it away and shy away from it?
Candy Motzek:We're our own worst enemies, right?
Heather Hester:For sure we are for sure we are. And I say that
Heather Hester:because I had to learn that not because I am like some, you
Heather Hester:know, why is being that is always known these things.
Heather Hester:Pretty much everything I talk about is something I learned the
Heather Hester:hard way or let learned through practice. So
Candy Motzek:I was oh, it's weird, because I had this
Candy Motzek:thought, oh, that's the best way. And I'm like, What's that
Candy Motzek:the hard way is the best way? What are you talking about?
Candy Motzek:There's one of my weird self limiting thoughts.
Heather Hester:You know, I always think like, those are the
Heather Hester:lessons that you I think, remember the first time around,
Heather Hester:because it's really hard. Like, you don't have to do it again,
Heather Hester:because you get it the first time. Some lessons that are a
Heather Hester:little more subtle, I think you it's 234 times where before
Heather Hester:you're like, ah, yeah, that's, that's what I'm supposed to be
Heather Hester:getting there.
Candy Motzek:So first place to go is to your podcast, to my
Candy Motzek:Patterson search the episodes, listen to something that speaks
Candy Motzek:to you that maybe answers a question that you have. And then
Candy Motzek:what? And I know that I didn't prepare you for this question.
Candy Motzek:But just, you know, like, people love to know that they can, that
Candy Motzek:there's a safe, secure place for them to go a non judgmental
Candy Motzek:place where they can go, and they can start to absorb, and,
Candy Motzek:and learn learn a new way. But it's nice to know that there's a
Candy Motzek:past here too, right? What's What do you think?
Heather Hester:Well, I think there are, are multiple paths
Heather Hester:here
Heather Hester:the path that I like the most, because it appeals to me, and it
Heather Hester:would have appealed to me very much, so five years ago, is it's
Heather Hester:very personal. And so I have options of being in a group
Heather Hester:setting with others who are in the exact same place, or on the
Heather Hester:exact you know, on the same journey because nothing is
Heather Hester:exact, nothing is the same, right? Everybody's journey is a
Heather Hester:little bit different. But in a place, that's it, and I think
Heather Hester:you hit on two really important words, they're safe and non
Heather Hester:judgmental. And that is a really, really that's really
Heather Hester:important to me, as I've created different places for people to,
Heather Hester:to meet to talk, and for me to to talk with people. And so I
Heather Hester:that would be my my first thing is reach out to me, I'm very,
Heather Hester:very approachable and reachable. So and I am happy to make
Heather Hester:suggestions because there are based on kind of what you do
Heather Hester:what feels best to you. Some people like working in a group,
Heather Hester:you may be a person who loves working with other people. You
Heather Hester:may be someone who really just wants that one on one attention.
Heather Hester:You may just kind of want to like, absorb everything for a
Heather Hester:little bit until you get your footing. So there are options
Heather Hester:for all of those things.
Candy Motzek:And we'll put definitely put links in the
Candy Motzek:Episode Notes. So people can make that start. They can find
Candy Motzek:your podcast and they can find your website. And then they can
Candy Motzek:take their personal path from their
Unknown:question.
Candy Motzek:You know, I think about coaching practices,
Candy Motzek:specifically because that's my that's my thing. That's my jam.
Candy Motzek:Right? Yeah. And I think about business. And I've been really
Candy Motzek:learning more about this difference between a money
Candy Motzek:driven business and a mission driven business. And that really
Candy Motzek:speaks loudly to me, I have this. Of course, we should make
Candy Motzek:money. We're coaches, we provide amazing service, we help people
Candy Motzek:live amazing lives. And it's yes, and yes, money and mission.
Candy Motzek:Where do you think your mission is?
Heather Hester:I, I think my overarching mission, which has
Heather Hester:been the my mission, from the very, very beginning, was that I
Heather Hester:didn't want anybody to feel alone. And that's kind of my
Heather Hester:tagline on my podcast, wherever you are on this journey, you are
Heather Hester:not alone. And it's evolved over time to be that and some guiding
Heather Hester:principles. And I think the guiding principles are
Heather Hester:definitely that's my mission now. And kind of moving forward,
Heather Hester:which is really
Heather Hester:helping anyone who, you know, whether you're a parent, you're
Heather Hester:an ally, you're a curious human being. Learn how to embrace
Heather Hester:someone who has LGBTQIA learning, becoming educated,
Heather Hester:learning how to empower your child or your loved one, and to
Heather Hester:be empowered yourself, because we're faced all the time with
Heather Hester:different ideas. Right? Yeah. And, and really kind of the over
Heather Hester:the overarching everything, which circles back to you are
Heather Hester:not alone. That is just like my love letter to the world. It's
Heather Hester:just love and compasses, all of that. So that that is my
Heather Hester:mission.
Candy Motzek:That's so cool. Yeah. And there's, you know,
Candy Motzek:like when people have a place that they can go and start
Candy Motzek:learning and thinking for themselves, as opposed to just
Candy Motzek:absorbing an opinion and regurgitating it. And that
Candy Motzek:they're empowered to think for themselves. I think that that's
Candy Motzek:like the hope for humanity, right? You know, in your
Candy Motzek:particular sector, it is this group of use, but how that group
Candy Motzek:grows and matures and the kinds of adults that they become. That
Candy Motzek:is how our world will be, you know, they're creating our world
Candy Motzek:right now. Let's support everybody in being the fullest
Candy Motzek:version of themselves, instead of a version that they feel they
Candy Motzek:need to keep under wraps.
Heather Hester:Yeah, exactly. Well, because when you are
Heather Hester:authentically, authentically authentic, yourself when you are
Heather Hester:you. Yep. If you can, you can do anything.
Candy Motzek:It takes so much less energy to be that you write
Heather Hester:exactly. Just when you know think about like
Heather Hester:the times when you're, you know when you are with the time that
Heather Hester:you realize you are most comfortable in your own skin and
Heather Hester:that you are just going to move through the world as you write.
Heather Hester:Oh my gosh, you have so much more energy to do. Do what you
Heather Hester:feel passionately about. Right care for those who love all of
Heather Hester:those things. That's so cool. All right.
Candy Motzek:So the last question before we wrap up, yes.
Candy Motzek:What's your life motto? Do you have a life motto?
Heather Hester:I have. I have been giving this some thought.
Heather Hester:And I actually spent some time last night thinking thinking
Heather Hester:about it. And this is how my my brain works is I have to figure
Heather Hester:things out. Right? So, you know, I've, I've, how do we how do you
Heather Hester:create a life motto, right? But what are the elements of a life
Heather Hester:motto? These are the things I need to know. And so, you know,
Heather Hester:I didn't come up with anything that rhymed. But because that
Heather Hester:seems to be an important piece. But I rhyming was not my thing.
Heather Hester:So I came up with a few words, and it's not finished yet. But
Heather Hester:it is a work in progress. And I think it I, of course, Gandhi's
Heather Hester:This is one of my favorites that I have sitting on a poster, but
Heather Hester:I didn't want to steal his the Be the change you wish to see in
Heather Hester:the world. It's one of my very, very favorite quotes, life
Heather Hester:mottos, whatever you want to call it. So what I kind of
Heather Hester:landed on for the moment, is Be kind, be true to what lights
Heather Hester:your soul on fire. And always love.
Candy Motzek:I love that. That's great. Thank you for
Candy Motzek:sharing that. And also, thank you for giving so much thought
Candy Motzek:to it, as well. I have to tell you this, this is weird. That
Candy Motzek:question, I kind of keep like a series of questions that I might
Candy Motzek:ask people in a podcast interview. I don't even remember
Candy Motzek:typing that question the first time and all of a sudden it was
Candy Motzek:there. And I was like, Ooh, not so good question. I should ask
Candy Motzek:that question. It was like, I'm reading through the questions
Candy Motzek:thinking, oh, you know, just to sort of guide our conversation,
Candy Motzek:what might be good? And I'm like, I didn't put the question
Candy Motzek:in.
Heather Hester:There. It is a really great thought provoking
Heather Hester:question. Right? Because there are so many. I mean, it kind of
Heather Hester:cuts through the noise, right? Like, kind of here. What are
Heather Hester:your guiding principles? What are your core values? So how do
Heather Hester:you want to live your life? Right? It's a beautiful
Heather Hester:question. And love it.
Candy Motzek:Thank you. Cool. I'm so glad. And I'm glad you
Candy Motzek:got value out of figuring, you know, kind of noodling through
Candy Motzek:it and working on it. All right. Unintended homework. Oh,
Candy Motzek:everybody loves homework. Coaches love assigning
Candy Motzek:accountabilities, we don't use the word homework, we call it
Candy Motzek:accountabilities. It's a very big deal.
Unknown:I like that. Well,
Heather Hester:it was it was good. It was a very cathartic
Heather Hester:exercise. So thank you,
Candy Motzek:cool. And listeners, any of you listeners,
Candy Motzek:the question stands for you to what is your life motto? I'd
Candy Motzek:love to hear you put that in the episode. You got it to the
Candy Motzek:comments of the blog post for this episode. Where DM me candy
Candy Motzek:Mote SEC with your life motto, and I'd love to hear that. So
Candy Motzek:Heather, thank you so much for joining me and sharing your
Candy Motzek:story and sharing the heart that you have for your family for the
Candy Motzek:community. And the amazing resource that you have gifted
Candy Motzek:the world with your podcast. It's a big deal. Now, people who
Candy Motzek:want to connect with you. I know we talked about it a little bit
Candy Motzek:earlier, but I want to get it kind of succinct right at the
Candy Motzek:end here right now. Somebody says, Hey, I have got to check
Candy Motzek:that woman out. How are they going to find you? What's the
Candy Motzek:easiest, fastest way to find you?
Heather Hester:Well, my podcast is just breathe parenting your
Heather Hester:LGBTQ team. My website is chrysalis. mama.com chrysalis
Heather Hester:like the butterfly. And you can email me. I'm super reachable.
Heather Hester:And my email is H H, like my name Heather Hester at
Heather Hester:chrysalis. mama.com. So, reach out, ask questions. I'm happy,
Heather Hester:happy to hear from anyone.
Candy Motzek:Right. That's wonderful. And for those of you
Candy Motzek:who are interested as well, Heather is a coach. She has
Candy Motzek:openings from time to time for people. She has a program that
Candy Motzek:she also offers. She didn't share any of that stuff before,
Candy Motzek:but I just wanted you to know. So thank you so much for joining
Candy Motzek:me, listeners. Thank you for being part of our world. And
Candy Motzek:that's it for this week. I look forward to talking to you.
Candy Motzek:Thanks again for listening today. Please hop on over to
Candy Motzek:Apple podcasts and leave a review. Also, I would love to
Candy Motzek:hear from you. It's something that I say resonate. What else
Candy Motzek:would you like to learn about? Click the link in the player and
Candy Motzek:leave a comment on the post. This is going to give me great
Candy Motzek:ideas for future episodes so I can help you best. Join me again
Candy Motzek:next This week from our coaching support and teaching to help you
Candy Motzek:become the confident coach you are meant to be
Here are some great episodes to start with.
