Seeking Clarity

Welcome to Legendary Dads, where we wipe myths like, you can't be a successful entrepreneur and a loving president than we're tearing down lives by being well behaved and, you know, doing what they say you're supposed to do. We're blazing the trail to become high performance dads, the dad who's clear where he and his family are going, and why we are laying solid foundations to become legendary dads.

Hey, welcome back. Great to be with you again. And I'm really excited today again, only this time, it's just me. I'm gonna dive a little more into some of my story and lessons learned to share with you just to kind of break things up. I love talking with other people and meeting other guys, it's really exciting to meet other dads and some of them are people I already know. And that's fun, too. So today, we get to learn a little more about me. So I'm gonna take you back a few years in my journey to begin with just about six and a half years ago, or actually just over six years ago, July 24, of 2016. My family and I had spent another night at the drive in movie theater, which is something that we've done regularly. And we watched two movies well, okay, not all of us watched the second one. But we were there, we enjoyed the night, had to pack up, get everybody into their places, choose who's sitting where get all the bits and pieces into the back of the truck, the seats in the blankets and everything else that we had set up. And, you know, make our way out as usual, join the lineup and then turn left to head out and go home down the road. And barely a mile down the road, not even a mile down the road. Things went sideways. So at this point, we were hit head on by an impaired driver, the truck flipped and roll and we ended up in the ditch on the roof, all hanging upside down on our seatbelts. And this was the beginning of some some level of life that we could never imagine what it would be like, now this is my wife, and our four kids, nine all six of us in the truck together when this happened. So I'm gonna skip ahead, we we all survived, we were all basically good. I mean, we've had a variety of injuries and we're still working through some things. As some of you will know, brain injuries particularly can last a long time and take a long time to recover from so there's that and and other things as well.

So once we were out of the hospital, one of the things that happened was that my, my wife was initially She's a strong woman and dedicated to getting things done and keeping the family on track and so on, which is amazing. And so for the first few months, she she just did that. Now I was in wheelchair, literally half my body was broken. And so I was incapacitated physically, I'd had some rest in the hospital. So which actually did well for my brain injury, and really got me a head start on that healing. However, being in the house, initially in a wheelchair, my wife took over a lot of stuff, even though she had a damaged wrist, she really just pushed through and got a lot of stuff done without really thinking too much about it, which is great. The thing was that over time, as I started to heal physically, and become more capable, physically to help out around the house, my wife's injuries began to catch up with her. And so we had this kind of role reversal that happened, where she was kind of being taken down by the the, the side effects of her brain injury and PTSD and so on. And I was becoming more able, so I began to take over more things. And so that's all good. And as a as a dad and the husband. I just kind of did what needed to be done just the way she had done initially, and didn't really think too much about it. Of course, I'm happy to help my family and support what's going on. So that is all good. Although I've always been someone at least for a long time I've learned to become someone who is is relatively self aware.

And so when my feelings started changing a bit, I was became coming aware of a struggle within me. And there was this growing dissatisfaction, which I realized, eventually it was a resentment, actually, I was beginning to resent my wife, and even to some degree, my kids, for, for everything that I had to do. And for this role that I had to take on, I've really taken care of pretty much everything for a while. And as I began to think about that, and pay attention, I realized this resentment was growing. And so I want to know, what is this all about? And and why is that because, you know, of course, I want to be someone who is happy to look after my family and to care for them and make sure they have what they need. So how is there also a resentment in that? Well, it takes a while sometimes to work through these things, and usually require some help from the outside to catch our blind spots and see what we're not seeing. But this part of the journey, was some really important lessons in a being aware of myself and my family, and starting to get clear on what's really going on, and that those are two really important principles that over the years, you'll hear me talk a lot about these. And I've talked a lot about them in the past as well. First of all, just being aware of what's happening, have this feeling within me of resentment, and then learning to gain clarity on it. So how do I figure that out? How do I come to understand what's happening there? Well, it's really just a matter of asking myself questions, but it's also a matter of being willing to be honest with myself. And here's what it came down to. For me. When I looked at resentment, it was resentment over the fact that I had to do all these things for them, and that they weren't doing their part. Logically, that doesn't make sense, because I know that they were injured. And the children were much younger and not really capable of doing a lot and in most situations, and so it didn't make sense. But the feeling was still there. And so I had to work through that with help in terms of understanding my thought process. And beginning to recognize that I didn't want to be and had never taken steps to be willing to be this man and I needed to be right now. I needed to be someone who was comfortable with. And more than comfortable actually willing to embrace I've had to actually embrace being a man who's at home, not working. The man who's caring for his whole family, including his wife, who all of whom are now dependent on me. And to walk through that, in what is actually a constantly changing situation. Because some of the injuries develop and symptoms would show up more over time, some of them would go away. And so there's there's a healing and shifting constantly in our relationships. And I hadn't stopped to think about the fact that I need to be someone different from who I had been someone different from who I had always hoped to be. Because I certainly had no hopes and aspirations. In my early years of being, you know, a husband and father to a family who are entirely dependent on me. circumstances changed, and now we're not still in that situation. So I've had to shift again. But it was a real eye opener to learn this journey and to learn this process of acknowledging my feelings, being aware of them, acknowledging them getting clear on what is it that I'm feeling and what is the thought pattern behind that feeling? And then to be willing to take steps to change and to become somebody new, really, okay, I'm not entirely different. I'm not an entirely new person. But I am quite different from who I was, in so many ways. That is a really huge process. And a lot of us are going to struggle with that and get tripped up on that, until we learn to be aware.

And so one of the ways of doing this is awareness of feelings, and seeing that there are feelings there and that they need to be acknowledged and worked with and that we may not like the feeling. Here's the key that I found. Feelings are they're like a, you're like the some ometer in your house, they tell you when something's off. And when you pay attention, then you can go to the thermostat and reset the thermostat being your thoughts and beliefs. So asking yourself well, okay, what are the thoughts that are creating this dissonance? What's this disagreement between, essentially what I was expecting life to be? And what life really is? They're not matching up? Why is that? And what can I do about it? Now, there's usually something you can do about it. In fact, I agree with Viktor Frankl that we always have a choice, in turn, at least in terms of our attitude, we might not be able to change our circumstances immediately. But how we live through those circumstances, is a choice. So recognizing the feeling, the thoughts behind it, and what the difference is, and how to bring those together in a way that actually now produces a more fruitful and enjoyable life. That's a critical process. I've heard a lot of people talking about feelings and in different perspectives. And to me, that's just a really helpful way of making use of my feelings. The same thing is true, of course, when we have positive feelings, feelings we like. The difference is, it's telling us that things are in alignment. And it can be really helpful to know that too. So when we're feeling really excited and happy about things or feeling loved, or loving. These are feelings wherein we can learn about ourselves in terms of what we value and what we believe and what we have been hoping for. And assuming there's all kinds of good things we can learn from that too, which can be helpful in the future. Sometimes, though, it's not feelings that we need to be aware of. Some sometimes when there's an issue, it's not, it doesn't necessarily trigger a feeling that a warns us about it. Sometimes we're struggling with situations where it's the outcome, that's the problem. I remember when one day not too long ago, when the two oldest girls were both teenagers. And I had I had gone downstairs to the, to the basement room where they had their study, and they do some their homework and things and, and other activities. And I spoke with him briefly. And I asked him to come upstairs and help me to get dinner ready and onto the table. And then I turned and went upstairs. And as I was getting to the top of the stairs, I turned to give them some more detail and instruction, and noticed that they weren't there. Wait a minute. These are my loving daughters who love me and care for me. And how is it that these girls were not behind me when I just asked them to follow me? Okay, yes, these are my teenage daughters, right? Who Loved Me? Yes. And they were teenagers still are. But I thought about that situation afterwards. And I recognize, okay, this is an outcome that I don't want. When I asked for help, and they don't respond, it wasn't the feeling. In me that triggered the awareness of something being off. It was the outcome of me walking up the stairs alone of them still doing what they were doing a moment ago, even though I'd asked them to come and do something else. So again, I took pause, and I thought about that. And I thought, Well, what happened? I know they love me, and genuinely respect me. I know from past experience and things that they've said that they they prefer to make me happy and to for us to live happily together. So why does this happen?

Now, the other side of all of this is, the first thing that I do when I'm looking to make change these days is to look at myself. Guys, look. I really agree with the statement made by John Maxwell. Over the years that everything rises and falls on leadership. This sounds like a tangent. But really, it's just a quick way of pointing out that anything that we want to accomplish requires leadership. Now first of all, I have to lead myself. If I can't get myself in order, how am I going to help anybody else get to where they want to be or need to be? If I'm going to lead somebody to a place that they want to go? I need to know what I'm doing and who I am, and how I'm doing things. And so any change that happens in the family, the first thing I have to look at is me because I cannot actually change anyone else can I? Right? I can't make other people change, I can't make my wife change, I cannot make my kids change. I can only influence them in a certain direction, encourage them in a certain way and try to lead them in a better path. And I'm not going to dive into all the aspects of leadership here. But here's the thing. In this case, I had to stop and think well, why? What did I do or not do? In this situation? That might have changed the outcome? Well, there was a couple of things that came out of it. And these may be helpful for some of you. The first was, I didn't really pay attention to what they were doing, or, or why they were doing it or anything. Really, I just kind of said hi. told them what I needed, turned around and walked out, assuming that they would follow me. Okay. Yeah, I've been father of a teenager long enough, I should have known better. But nonetheless, walking through this kind of got me thing. Okay. So I know a lot about leadership. Okay. So why was that the issue? What did I do wrong here? Why are they not following me? If you think you're a leader, no one's following you. You're not a leader. At least you're not leading at that point in time. So I recognized in this case, for example, that I had simply told them what I wanted them to do. Yes, I had been polite about it. And I was in a friendly mood and all that, but I just kind of said, This is what I need come and join me. One of the central aspects of influence and build is building relationships with people and earning that influence because influence is a choice. I can't influence them to do anything, unless they allow that. Right? That's the key thing about positive influence. If it's not that way, then it's manipulation. So I want to have a positive influence. I didn't stop to ask them what they were doing, see how their day was going? What are you working on? How's it going? Is there a timeframe on this? You know, and then after kind of connecting with them and where they're at, then start talking about where I'm at, and what I'm looking for. That way, we've we've kind of connected and we've come together on that. And they're now going to be more open to hearing what I have to say, and considering what it is that I'm proposing in terms of a change of activity, moving in a different direction. But I might also find out that now's not a good time for them. Maybe there's a reason why they need to stay and get this thing done before helping me and maybe that can work out. But I wouldn't know any of that if I don't want to ask them why. So we've got to ask, we need to make that connection. So there's another simple example. Life just happening, and me not taking the time to really think through it and put that effort in.

Now, I've had this conversation with my wife, because we go through these things all the time, we have four kids. So it's happening all the time where we are feeling like, you know what, I don't have time for this, I just need you to do what I'm asking you to do. I don't have time to come and meet you and to talk to you and find out what you're doing. And how would you like dinner nice get on the table. Now. We need to do it now. And there are so many situations parenting where we have felt that way. And we've gone ahead with that attitude. And then it's a fight and then you go on, and you have to go back and you got to ask them again. And you got to ask them again that you get annoyed and they get frustrated. And it's just a never ending cycle. And in the end, we realize we're spending more energy, doing it the easy way, the simple way of just telling you what to do telling the kids this is what's going to happen. And actually say almost always, it's certainly the majority of cases, it takes more energy to try and do it the simple way. And I've seen it happen so many times. Because when I go the other road and I say, Hey, how are you doing? What's going on? What are you up to? And how's that going for you having fun? Whatever the case may be. We're connecting, they know that I care about them as well. And that I'm interested in who they are and what they're doing.

I mean, think about it. Why? Why would I expect them to be interested in what I want? If I'm not showing any interest in what they want? Have You Ever Have you ever stopped to think about that? We just think our kids should just care about what we want them to do. Without us showing that we care about them. And what they're doing. They're humans. Yeah, they're young humans, and they have a lot to learn. And they too need to be taught and, and lead in a good direction, and, and so on. And we can learn some things from them over the years as as they grow older. But they're humans. And so they have the same core needs and interests and desires, as all of us do. They're developing and changing as they grow older, but they want to know that what they think and feel is important as well. And that if we're going to ask them to do things for them, they will also see us being interested in them. And taking into consideration what it is that they want a need. Now, I know, there are times where I just can't put my child's needs at the forefront. I need to take my daughter to the doctor's office, and she's three, four years old, and she is having a tantrum over getting into the vehicle. While we have to go to the doctor, there's a situation that needs to be addressed. I must get her there to be a good loving parent, she doesn't want to, and there is nothing I can say or do that would convince her to do it. I simply need to find a way to get her in and get her there. That happens. Unfortunately, there can be those situations. Again, we try to do it in the best way possible. But sometimes with kids, there's no way they're just not going to cooperate. So that's the way it is. But most of the time, we can do that. So that's a thought to consider. Are we taking the time? And are we carefully looking at that? Because I'm telling you over and over again, I've seen how taking just a couple of moments just like maybe only one minute, maybe two minutes to just connect with the kids and find out what are they doing and how's your day going? Before asking them to do something. It is so much more effective. Because now they care now they know that we're interested. And it's not just that they are my slave who's being told to do what I say because I said so. I know, I felt that way when I'm talking to them sometimes, and I don't like it. So I've learned to change that. Again, not perfectly. But it's there. Being aware of these things, is so critical. Being aware of our own behaviors, who we are, and why we're doing what we're doing, makes so much difference in working with our kids. So I think that's something that I'm sure that's something that's gonna be helpful for a lot of people. And I hope that you all found that very helpful. I've always love to hear from you guys as well. If there's situations like that, that you have been in that you're not sure how to handle or you're wondering about what's the best way to do it. Put a note in the comments, let me know, or reach out to me through the website. All my social media and website are listed in the show notes. The central place to find me I guess is the website, Kevin will speak.com. But you can go straight to Instagram, I have a tick tock account going. And there's opportunity for you to talk to me and really connect and show.

Sure, ask questions. Let me know what's going on. I would love to share on these podcasts, things that are actually helpful to people and answer your questions that people have about things. And I might do that on my own. Or I might do that with guests. We can address different questions together. That slide would be awesome. So I appreciate you guys being here. And the feedback so that I know that what we're sharing here is actually helpful for people. Because the whole bottom line to me is if this isn't helpful, then it's a waste of time. This isn't just an entertainment show. I really want to help dads become the best they can be. I really want to help dads see how their behavior and their their interaction with their kids and their wives is setting their kids up for a better future. The greatest gift we can leave people is a better life. Or a better understanding of how to live life. Well, maybe that's a better way to put it. And so that's my ambition. That's my greatest goal. That is the most important thing to me. I'm doing that with my family learning how to do that better, and wanting to help so many other dads do that. So I really would ask you guys, everybody listening helped me get that message out. And one of the best ways you can do that is by downloading listening to the episode by giving a review and a rating and commenting in the notes so that I can get the algorithms will pick up the podcast. Basically what it boils down to. That way, it's easier for to spread the word. The other thing, of course you can do is to simply share this with your friends and family, anybody who might be interested in exploring this journey. So thanks again for joining me. I'm really happy to be going through this. And this is my first solo episode for the series. And looking forward to many more. And we have some great guests coming up, including a mother coming soon to join us. And looking forward to all of that and looking forward to connecting with you guys. Have a fantastic day and we'll talk to you soon.