Relationships, An Inside Job

Ali Perry-Davies: Sleep. Let it sweep you off your feet. Hi, you're listening to find your joy. If you're looking for ways to thrive rather than survive in a world that can seem rather chaotic, you're in the right place. We will be sharing stories of our own as well as those from guests who have found ways to bring hope, healing and freedom into places where trauma has impacted them. I'm Ali, author of the art of healing trauma, and I'm here to remind you that life is sweet. Now let's dive in and find ways to create our joy Hi, this is Ali and this is find your joy and we have with us very, very graciously Sarah Smith has agreed to come back and and be with us again for part two of the wonder that is Sarah Smith. Yeah, baby. Hi, Sarah. Welcome back.

Yes, let's do this. Let's

Ali Perry-Davies: do this thing. So I want to I want to get a little bit more information we were last time talking about the Melissa Etheridge cruise and I'm a little bit stuck there. I will enlarge I will I will be able to move on. I promise therapy, you know some deep breathing exercises we might have to do. I just I was thinking when I was watching it there was such a beautiful fan base like I saw it fans came on this cruise because you were on it.

That was I think that honestly out of a lot of like there are some huge names Nancy Wilson who's right there. Smash. Melissa Etheridge, and there was you know KT Tunstall, they all had their fan base. But but everybody told me that the Sarah Smith fan base was just, you know, sight to be seen. And a lot of really amazing women came on that trip and one one guy on the boat on the Melissa Etheridge boat, there was only 6% men. The rest were all women. So it was quite fun. But yes, I am, I would say that I am one of the most blessed indie musicians because I have built this beautiful core group of people around me. You know, without radio play without management without an agent. I have an amazing group of people that support my music can't be can't be more happier than that. Yeah.

Ali Perry-Davies: Well, I mean, I'll ask what you think that is, I mean, my observation, of course, would be that, or I don't know, if, of course, is a way to say that. But you're quite lovely. And I can only imagine that spending any hero. It's truly you. There's a there's a thing about you that I'm sure that people just want to be around you more. But we all know people like that, right? There's people that we know that you're around them. And when you're around them, it just makes you want to be around them more. It's and I would say that you it's not simply or only that you're charismatic. But there's a way about you that you radiate this. You're just like this little, little, no, a little lower body. So little love bomb that just kind of goes blue fold, and it's so long. So I can I can see that that would happen. Now, do you? Did you at any time, did you? You said that you like community, I get that because I'm like obsessed with community. I just really want to buy a place huge place where everybody can be there. And I'm, I'm obsessed. I'm obsessed. Like, I can't stop thinking about that. But will that will be another show? But But did you did you come up thinking I'm gonna build a community? Or did it just happen one person at a time organically? Or how did this all go for you?

I mean, I think sometimes, the way my parents raised me was a bit of a curse, and also a blessing a gift because I kind of love everyone. I don't really have like a hate on for anybody. And I never see the bad side and anybody. And so that can be really, that can be really hard and you can learn some shitty lessons that way. But I still to this day if people do something to harm me. I forgive very quickly, and I still love them. You know? And that's I think the way I was raised and just the way I was born, I have this silly little broken heart that doesn't allow any hatred in there. So Yeah, that's one thing I have. And as far as building a community, I didn't, you know, in high school, I was the girl that just had all the friends but nobody really close. You know, I was in all the groups, I never judged people. I was just sort of accepted in all the groups. I was in the freaks, I was in the stoners, I was in the musicians, I was in the intellectual group. And the athletes, you know, I was just sort of bounced around, and I never really belonged anywhere, but belong everywhere. And I think that that's just kind of come with me forever, in my life. But, you know, I think one thing that I love about my own journey, is that I have been to hell. And I have found the light out. And I met this guy on a plane, one day, I sat beside him, he was a really big guy. And he had this little white thing right here. And I said, Are you a priest? said, Yes, I am. And he was from Ghana. And I said, you know, that's amazing. Like, let's talk about life. And he asked me what I did. And I said that I was a singer and a songwriter. And he said, that you are, you are the most gifted and the most needed in heaven. Because in heaven, the only thing that is needed there is music, musicians there the only job that is needed in heaven. That's what he said to me. And he said that your job on Earth is to go to hell, and come back and share how you got out of it. And I'm like, hey, that's kind of what I do. I think I have, like, I have been to hell, I was, I was an addict. And I didn't mean to be I didn't mean to fall into that lifestyle. But I did. And I was there for many years. And I, it was hell, my soul was crushed and dead and dying. And I found the way out, through reaching out and asking for help, and through programs and spirituality, and that kind of thing. And I found a way out, and I found hope. And I think that's something I get to share with the world. So Right. It's,

Ali Perry-Davies: it's, um, it's, it's interesting, because when when, first of all, that's amazing that you met him and what? Find lovely, wise, inviting, like, the, all those words come to me when I think of, I can here's a little accent in my ear. Exactly. Think of that, right? It's just, but but I think it's even more, maybe I'm, I'm a one who I'm an evil. Yeah. I can just imagine that. There's also something that he saw in you that was more than, like, yeah, there's lots of there's lots of singers. Not every singer touches our heart. Even phenomenal singers sometimes don't touch our hearts. There's a there's a brokenness in anyone who, for me anyways, those who do anything in a brokenness, there's a way that that invites us in. I was thinking when you're saying that you are friends with the athletes and the musicians and the intellects and things like that. I think that's more than being popular. That's a person who is accepted because people feel accepted by you. And I would think that there's probably a way that your music has that there's, there's a brokenness and a healed newness, that that is, it's inviting, and it's safe. And it surrounds you like you know, when you put a comforter on the dryer, and then you take it out and it's just like we got that feels so good. I think that's a little bit of what I would describe your music as I probably won't get the gig as being the person who writes the right stuff for the newspaper, serious music, because like taking a warm, I like right out of the dryer and wrapping yourself up in it. That when it cools off, you can dance around and that too, but I think that maybe that's a little bit a part of it. Or I think it's really a lot of part of it, but I don't know if that's a question what do

people you know, if a singer or an artist doesn't touch your heart? Yeah, why do you follow them? That's what I don't understand. I don't either I feel like this. There's this like, like this like I just feel like I have to work really hard on being the best human, I can be on this earth, so that I can bring you the best music. But I see so many like assholes, and so many people that don't seem to work on themselves at all. And you know what it's, I guess everybody has a different job in life and a different way to, to bring their gift. Like, you know, I started comparing myself at one point, I was comparing myself to this other female musician, and she's got large crowds going to her shows, and we have a very similar age group, we've been doing it about the same amount of time, and same sort of market. And I'm like, why are there so many people going to her show? And, you know, I'm still in this sort of humble little pocket of, you know, 50 to 250. Audience members, right. And they said to me, Your journey is different, and you have a different job in this life. And if your job is to, you know, just play music, and that's what your job is, but your job is to help and heal people. And some people need that, and some people don't. Right?

Ali Perry-Davies: I think it's and for you, in my mouth, what I imagine when I think about the people who are musicians who for me, for my ear, and for what attracts me. They do some times they do it in a such a linear fashion. Everything's just tick, tick, tick, tick, tick. There's no sweating on stage. I don't know. Like, there's just doesn't seem to, like, puke out your feelings on me. Like, like, that's what I need. That's what I gave. That's what I that's what for me, that's what works. And I know for some people, that scary for them, they find that not okay for them, right?

They just want to go out and be like, they want to be linear and be just yeah, they don't feel the need to go deep, or whatever. Right. That's cool. And that's what I realized is that some people need what I am offering and some people don't. And it's not a comparison. It's just like, What is your job in life? What is your purpose? And I have to just accept my purpose is this and just be the best that I can be at it.

Ali Perry-Davies: Yeah, but I think they're good questions to ask. I think they're important questions to ask. Any artist needs to be asking always ourselves, like, okay, so this is what I'm doing. Is this, you know, is this more self indulgent bullshit? Or am I actually doing anything here? Like, is anything changing? Does any of this matter is what is going on around this place? Right?

And my irrelevant, needed? Like, why do I just step away from this? Is this like, you know, am I contributing at all?

Ali Perry-Davies: Yeah, I hope you know how much you are. I hope I hope so. I and I've just scratched the surface of, of you. And honestly, it's a so so for the timeframe why I don't why I have not, you know, sporting Sarah Smith tattoos is when I became aware of you was just before my accident. So all that vote nine years ago was hit by distracted driver, blah, blah, blah. Okay, so then so then there was like, this time frame that time sort of stopped for me, right? I couldn't I couldn't do music anymore. I couldn't even eat listen to music anymore for a long time. So there's this gap, right, this is there's this big gap for me. And so I I would have known more because I was just learning about you before then. And then in the last few years, Lonnie and Stuart friends or we have mutual friends. I I didn't even use that when I approached you and you're still nice to me. Anyway. So that's how fabulous you are. But I started watching to watch them right to see what they were up to. And I saw the way that you seem to build a team. And it's so lovely. Like I just saw these two guys that were already fabulous. come to life. That's I hope that's okay. Then I'm saying that for the because I don't think I've spoken these words to them. So now I'm like, but, but that's what I saw. I saw them coming to life even more, even more fabulous than they were. And that speaks a lot about who you are.

I want people to feel like they are living their best and biggest life. And sometimes that means that people, you know, they're scared by that and they fall off around me, they don't want to be around me because it's too much pressure. And some people take it and they become their biggest, best self. And then they grow past me. You know, and so I've lost people that way to that they've gone past me. And I love that, that beautiful spot where we're all growing together. And we can all do it as a team together. And that's, that's what I look at relationships, like as well, you know, love relationships, sometimes we grow past each other. Sometimes we grow together, sometimes we don't want to grow. So, you know, I'm walking into a new marriage coming up.

Ali Perry-Davies: Right graduations.

So we've been together for five years, this winter, and we're getting married. And, you know, so I have this, this relationship, this, you know, I've had, I have past relationships, where I'm a little afraid to move forward with this one too, because I don't want to have I don't want to be that pressure person. I'm trying to, like, grow with people and just accept where we are at in this moment. Rather than looking into this. Ideal. You know, this, like, I It's hard to explain, but this is the way I approach relationships. So sometimes there's too much pressure from people.

Ali Perry-Davies: I can't really,

you can't do you want to be your best and biggest self and everybody around you too, right?

Ali Perry-Davies: And it's really hard for me to not make everything a big romantic story. I'm like I have to be. I've, I'm 64 years old, and I have finally realized she was looking for a romantic something. Everything that I do. I want it to be grand and glorious and Love Field and magic. Oh, magic. It's got to be magic. And it's just all of these things. I thought I had to go and rewatch shows that I get addicted to. Because I thought oh, no, I did that same thing with this show. I made this all this weird story in my head. What is wrong with you? Like, do that, but I, I relate to that. Because I because I like things to be wonderful and fabulous. And like you said everyone to be there. The best that they can be not the best I imagine them to be I have to get off that train because I can go there.

That's where I get to as well. That's not good. That's not good at all. It's like get yourself out of the equation and realize that everybody has their own journey.

Ali Perry-Davies: Yeah. Yeah. And although it is wrong, Sara, they have not made us the conductor of that, quote of that. That whole symphony of their life. Totally. Oh, no, don't think no, we can do it. We can make it so much better for them. There's so much better if only they would just listen to. I mean, they're great now, but we could tweak them.

I hope people are laughing out there. I hope people can relate. Because relationships are like that. Right? We are mirrors for each other. We're mirrors. So it's like, wait a minute, I see something that needs fixed in you. But really, that's something I see needs fixed in me. It

Ali Perry-Davies: does. I know. No, I know.

That's like, oh, wait, wait, I don't want to sound like I'm like talking from the Twin Flame show right now. Have you seen that twin flame show? Oh, God, they talk about a mirror thing. And I'm okay.

Ali Perry-Davies: I'm writing this down. Because so because of course we know I will remember. And if I can only look at this page watch on

Netflix. It's crazy. And yes, sorry if I've triggered anybody.

Ali Perry-Davies: That's awesome. People, you know what? My part and what you guys have been together for? We just had our 29th anniversary. You know, I figure like the first I don't know, the first five to 10 years in a new relationship. Nobody gets out of bed long enough to have an argument, right? It's just like, wow, this is just the most awesome thing. Everything's great. And then there's this time when it can be everything that I love the most about a person can be now the thing that I disliked the most. The first right, I'm that kind of a jerk like I am you know that thing I really liked about you. Yeah, well, that's really irritating me now. Because So can you just not do that anymore? And then somewhere around the twit I don't really know. But like, in our 20 to 30 a year. All of a sudden we started and seeing the magic that was the opposite stuff that we carried. Wow. And that was

That's inspiring. I can't wait to get there.

Ali Perry-Davies: Yeah, well, you know what you're you might you guys might be way smarter, and you might not have to wait that long. We were kind of, you know, we, you know, we, whatever I mean, we're happy and great, but we can get into the air, trying to make the other person do it the right way.

Yeah, I know, that's, that's the funny thing about relationships is we all come to the end conclusion. But we all want to show each other the way to get there, and the way that I know how to get there is better than the way you're able to get there.

Ali Perry-Davies: And I can see this thing so clearly, you know, it's just I know, and it's funny because it's, it comes back to doing whatever we're doing together, whether it's whether it's, you know, our marriages, or our friendships, our musical collaborations, the community that the commune, my brother calls it a compound, I call it, we come from a little bit different have a view, but we still know we want it. Like all of those things. It's learning. Hey, I'll tell you what COVID was a thing that really helped me to learn that people that I can adore, with all of my heart and want to do community with have very different ideas. And it doesn't matter what their ideas are. Right? There's going to be conflict. And there's we're going to have to decide, do we value do a really good friend of mine who happens to be a pastor says, so this Oh, come on. Remember this. If being right. comes at the price. If gosh, if Korean right comes at the price of love, then the cost was too high. Like if I have to give up on on showing you how much I respect you and care for you. Because I'm valuing this being right thing, and that's whatever that might be. Anyways. Yeah. Remember that punch line? It would have been great, though. That's

really cool. I really like that. Yeah. So

Ali Perry-Davies: you're when you're not, Jules, I think that's what they're called. When When are you getting married? Soon?

February? Oh, yeah, we're heading to Mexico. We've got 100 friends and family coming. And it's gonna be pretty awesome. So it's, for me, it's a new start. I've never really, you know, felt this way. I'm 45. And now I feel like I'm ready for, you know, this, this other challenge, which is real, being a real person in a real relationship. And I feel so so sorry for the past the past relationships I've had. I just wasn't in that right headspace. But now I am. I'm moving forward in a different light. And I'm even reconsidering, you know, different career moves, like how much I'm on the road? How much I'm at home. I want to find more balance. I want to be there more for my partner. Right? Yeah. So there's

Ali Perry-Davies: learning there's so many things to consider, right? Like it's this big puzzle. And where do all the pieces go? And, and how might that work? And it's funny that just made me think of. So David, my husband is a huge rush fan, right? Like, he may be the biggest rush fan and all the world. And so he went to Getty Lee's book, this latest book tour and the book signing and you got to, to ask them questions or whatever. And he said, I just you know what, I want to ask him, I said, No, he goes, he says, well, for 30 years, I you know, I've I've left this person at home that I wanted to be with more than anything and a touring musician. It's much, much the same thing. I just wondered how he did that. I was like, Oh, how does that even your How is that even your question when it's like, you know, I'm, you know, not the biggest rush found, but I you know, I think they seem like lovely people and great musicians. But I just thought that's interesting. And that's something that you'll be learning to unpack and unfold and figure that all out in the next while as you say. I'm going to tell you this, as as a seasoned stay at home person. I feel I can speak with authority on this. I can tell you that not every car Apple gets the honor. And I mean, absolute honor of knowing what it's like to long for someone, day to day nine to five doesn't provide that we have more of an opportunity to get a little bit pissy with each other. You know, but to really long for someone, there is such beef, I found, I mean, there was, there's times that it's hard, you know, not seeing someone for six or nine months sucks. There's not a there's not a nice way, you know what I mean? There's but but the silver lining for me, and he was anyways, was that longing for someone the other day, but

you can, you can still be with somebody every day and still have a longing for somebody, you can feel very alone in a relationship as well. So, you know, I've had that. I've had that feeling. And I've logged for people physically, and I've logged for people right beside me. Oh,

Ali Perry-Davies: wow. That's, that's good. No, that's what my songs are about that. Yeah. No, that's, that's, that's good. I'm going to I'm going to be unpacking that one for a while. Because yes, I mean, I was a train wreck and relationships before this one and, and for part of this one, as well. And so I do understand quite well the feeling alone. When, and probably longing. That's interesting. I'm going to, I'm going to be hmm, I'm going to be thinking about that one quite a bit. Because that's because I've always liked that part of it, that I I'd never felt that. Maybe it maybe it was just our relationship. And I mean, longing in what I feel like a good way. You

know, there's longing as well. Like, if you're not in a relationship, there's longing for this, this person knowing no one has me, you know, and who am I? And am I able to give myself everything I need? And there's a you know, when it comes down to it, the relationships are really only about yourself and God, you know, so this higher self and and your own identity. And so there's a lot of sorrow and in relationship with ourselves and our higher powers. There's, there's a lot of longing. So that's, that's something I really tap into with my music.

Ali Perry-Davies: I'm going to be thinking on this one for a while. I that's your I thought I was ridiculously deep. You're Ah, that's awesome. I love I love when someone offers a different perspective. I I live for someone turning something I think I figured out and turn in me right? What I have I a younger me didn't so much. But this me goes. I'm going to be really thinking long and hard about that. And for listeners, you know, that this is good because it's an invitation right? To take back another layer. And I love I love the layering. You're you're

you're already I'm heavy. I think I'm heavy and intense. And I'm sorry.

Ali Perry-Davies: Oh my goodness. Oh, never ever well first of all, you know, number one never have to apologize for being who you are and not nor does anyone not in my presence anyways. As long as it's done in love and kindness I it's a free for all for me. But no I find it incredibly attractive and and and empowering, right because when we say something that's for me anyways when someone says something to me, and I hadn't really thought of something that way before. Now that gives me I get to think about that that's a gift. Thank you Oh no, that's so beautiful. Oh my gosh, how did how did it become that time already?

I know the second part was all about relationships. I like that I like that a lot of relationship with ourselves are higher power and people beside us I love that. Yeah. So you know that's what to me life is about. The name of my fanpage is connected hearts all over the world. And you know Leslie and I are we actually have a bed and breakfast and we call it the connected hearts home. You know we just there's a lot of connection and soul connections in my life and

Ali Perry-Davies: I thank you. I'm just like taking notes.

I thank you so much, Ali seriously for Are for asking me to do this and for for for putting this out there for other people and doing what you do. Because it's really cool like we learn from each other. That is why we're here.

Ali Perry-Davies: Yeah, we hope so. Little bit little bit by little bit right and that's how we'll get he'll that why I'm this is such a cry baby. It's okay

ah Sarah Smith you are under ha. Thank you so so much and I'm just wishing you and Leslie so much happiness what uh, I feel like I've kind of know her a bit because it was wonderful to see her on the video as well. And yeah, she just I've seen a few things with her on them and and it's lovely and we in. So thanks for inviting us into that and please say hi to her for me that the person that she doesn't know yet, but it's this has been great. So thank you I'm actually a little gobsmacked and without words right now and, and fumbling here to pull it together. And because I'm I'm left with my heart quite open. And that's a beautiful, that's a beautiful thing. So thank you so much. Hey, so down below, when you when you see this, or you hear this, whether you're watching this video, or you're seeing it or listening to it on a one of your podcast platforms, down below will be all the links of how you can get ahold of Sarah and she can, you know, unpackage your heart and will be great. And music and tours. Everything that's coming up so that you'll be able to see her soon. She won't be touring a lot in February because she began married then. But yeah, but other than that. That's great. So Sarah, thank you so much. Thank you. I wish I could. You're just virtually hugged. Yeah, saying thanks so much. Yeah. Thank you. Take good care. And this is Ali and find your joy. I hope that you're having a fabulous day, whatever you're doing, and we'll talk to you next time and do you know that you are loved?

Thanks so much for joining me today. If you found a piece of your joy in this episode, I would love to hear about what came up for you so that we can continue to grow the impact of this show. Thanks again. See you soon and Remember, find your joy this week.