Are You Too Busy For What Matters? | ES137

Well, let's say you have two kids, a job, a busy household, and you try to manage it all. So you're driving the kids who are very athletic, around to their sports events are to band practice, or who knows, you have to meet the deadlines at work. And you have to somehow make sure that your house is in order and that your social life doesn't completely die down. And while you're busy, right, who cannot relate to being busy? Now, I gotta say something that you may not want to hear. But being busy is also a big trap. It's something that we are telling ourselves we cannot avoid. But we were really honest to ourself, isn't it also almost becoming a justification for our existence. I remember when I was in the residency and cardiology, and I had about 30 hour shifts several times in that month. And then I had a day off. And every time I had a day off, I almost went crazy. Because I didn't really know what to do with myself, I was so busy before and all sudden, I'm supposed to do nothing for 24 hours. But the worst was not just that, I was uncomfortable doing these, nothing things. I also didn't want to be seen by other people. It was almost like I didn't dare to go out of the apartment, because I was wondering what people may be thinking, Oh, he doesn't have a job. He's not productive. He's not, you know, engaged. So I more or less, was hiding. Ridiculous. But the problem is that busyness is the excuse that most of us are using. When it comes to taking care of yourself, I'm too busy to go to the doctor, to watch my day to go to the gym, to get my hair done to buy new clothes. I'm too busy to call my family I'm too busy, to you know, may have a hobby that I want to pursue. Business becomes our slave driver. And there is something that drives us because we are choosing it, yes, we can always say the outer circumstances demand it. But in the end, this is a choice we are making. And the question is, why do we make this choice? Now I know, for many of my clients that have been extremely busy, too busy to do the little homeworks, I asked them to do that, they often tell me that there is a voice inside of them. It sounds almost like their parent that says you are lazy, sitting on the couch. Complacency, not a really productive member of society, you become someone who eventually, you know, eats bonbons and does nothing. So there is a fear, a fear of disappointing others the fear of well, maybe they are right, we always have to be in that workaholism mode. So that is one thing where you and I don't really trust ourselves, you know, we don't really believe that we can slow it down, do less, be not so constantly productive and still get things done. And so we have to wonder ourself, could we not build a little bit more trust? Do we have to just replay those tapes of our parents and, and just continuously believe that what they said was true. You cannot ever stop. Otherwise you're not a good person. And the second thing is when we do really work hard. And finally the day is over and this long checklist is all gone. And you are laying in bed and you're still buzzing because it was so much to manage. There is a sense of relief. And maybe there's a sense of accomplishment, right? You feel a little bit good about yourself.

The brownie point, little dopamine hit. Unfortunately, it doesn't last very long because the next day, the next to do list those next tasks and obligations are waiting as soon as you open your eyes. So what are we looking for besides avoiding any judgment? Are we looking for getting things done? And doesn't that ultimately lead to us? Just basically feeling like well, we just have to get life done. and get it over with, get everything somehow straightened out, which never going to happen. And so we are in the constant doing mode. And how much do we miss out on actually being? See my dad. And I went sometimes on vacation, and I didn't always had the best relationship to my dad. And so he was sitting with me on a beach and I am not a beach sitter, but we're sitting on the beach, obviously, he was neither. And he pulled out his EKGs, you know, the electrocardiograms of his patients, and was analyzing them, stacks of them he had taken with him. So he didn't really interact. He didn't play with me, because I was still like, you know, a small teenager, he focused on work, even during the vacation. Now, was it really important to get this done? Or was there anything else going on, and maybe you know, that you know, you are with your partner or spouse, and let's say, you know, she wants to just hang out watch TV do nothing can be of course him as well. But the point is that you as a busy bee, you watch that, and you cannot really join, you don't want to join, you want to rather change the light bulbs, or cut the hedges or do something proactive. Now, is that really because you feel like well, this is the better way of, of not wasting time? Or is there an avoidance happening, and avoidance of connection, and avoidance, maybe even of intimacy, do you maybe feel that it's easier for you to just hide behind busyness, then open up, and maybe just share a little bit more about yourself, or maybe get a little bit closer to the person you're with. I also find that busyness is really good and convenient way to distract yourself from yourself, you know, where you just feel like well, as long as I'm busy and doing a lot of stuff, I don't really have to feel, I don't even have to think anything besides the things that I need to do, and be busy around. And so people tell me often that it's easier for them to deal with their anxiety and their insecurity, or their troubles in life in general when they keep themselves busy. But that is basically postponing, dealing with the inevitable. It is like taking anti pain medication, when you really know that you have something that needs to be checked out or dealt with more than just easing the pain. Being busy as an avoidance and pain easing treatment doesn't really make your relationship to yourself better. A, because you're not really dealing with whatever you're avoiding. Maybe it is something where you are deeply feeling unworthy. And that's why you have to be busy so that you find a little bit of worthiness, either because you tell yourself, my parents would be proud of me. Or you getting a little bit of a waterboy from the people around you. Or maybe you're running away from the deeper questions, loneliness, bigger purpose, is that really it? And you just keep yourself turning in the hamster wheel, because it just feels easier to not feel in deal. But do we really get anywhere this way. When I was running away from myself, trying to be always busy. I knew that there was a pain inside of me that I didn't want to hear and feel. But I also realize that the more I was running, the stronger the pain got. So whenever I stopped, I got stressed anxious, it was like you know, you're leaving a boat after a four week journey and everything is still swaying and, and that's how it felt I couldn't really relax. And so I got into drinking more, eating more just to stuffed down and numb those sensations. And maybe you can relate to that. Maybe you know exactly how this feels. So how do we get out of business?

How do we find another way of being? Now I feel that in order to not hide in busyness, we have to really have a higher value on other things. Things that we may actually really look towards when we are busy. And I'm not talking about the things about getting everything done or making everyone happy. It's how it makes you feel if you want to have more self worth and That's why you're so busy. Simply try to find self worth, through self reflection, have an inventory, think about what is really good about you, what are your qualities? What do you like about yourself, and they may be more than just being highly productive or really great at managing 50 things at the same time, there may be an artist inside of you, you may be really good at just seeing beauty. Maybe you are such a poet, or you love poetry, but you never take the time to really engage in it. And so you're missing out. And maybe what you're looking for is greater peace, you know, that sense of relief. Finally, it's done. There's this five minute window, where I feel all the ducks are in the row, maybe it's important for you to find peace, even when the ducks are not in the row. You know, what have you could find peace, anytime, even if there's some chaos, even if there are things in done. And maybe even if you're stuck in traffic, whatever you could make peace as a goal. And to find peace, you could learn things like acceptance, acceptance of the things that are, or you could learn to use being present in the moment, as always a reminder that everything right now is okay. It may not be perfect and may not be living up to your parents expectations. But it's okay, and you're okay, and being at peace is really what counts. Or maybe what's really important to you is to find more balance, how can you look for more balance, you know, I feel like balance is a is a way of living, that is not about just doing nothing, or doing everything. It's like this beautiful sweet spot in between. It's like a dance, and you dance with life. And to find more balance, you have to take some steps. For example, you have to have boundaries, you know, boundaries with that little ego part of you, that tells you always do more, you're lazy, this is not good enough, you're falling behind, look how other people are so much better. That little part of you needs to have boundaries and needs to be told no, we are only focusing on the things we can do today easily. We are checking in our energy and our time we are not rushing, we are not just you know, always before we leave the house feel like we have to do five more things. So every time we are going out stressed and a little bit late, we don't do this. So that would be a boundary or a boundary with your work where you just say, This is my office time. And after this, I'm stopping that also means you're going to have the inner boundary of not thinking about those things that usually are work related or things that are Undyne or things that you still feel like you have to control or change or take care of boundary simply saying no, I put this aside, I have my list. I know what it is that I tomorrow going to engage with. But I'm not doing now those things because now I'm focusing on balance and focusing on being present. Balance also comes from really paying attention, paying attention to what else inside of you one's attention. You know,

I talk in my new book about the it's the nighttime procrastination, which is one of those things we do when we have been busy, busy busy all day. And then somehow we don't manage to go to bed because we are watching TV or we are enjoying going on social media and eating ice cream and so there is something inside of us that says no this cannot be it. I want to have more from life. And so when you have nighttime procrastination, you know that a part of you is not satisfied with you always being busy in one some enjoyment when some find it when some self care. So if you are making more room for that, and you are making also then a bad time and a time that you say this is my arrest as something that's non negotiable. But at the same time, you know, yeah, I got to go to the gym or I gotta meet friends or I gonna allow myself because I have better office hours to also, you know, have better self care, then this nighttime procrastination doesn't really occur because you aren't going more for balance. When you have to always drive around kids or maybe you think you have to take care of your sickly parents. Also notice that you don't really have a boundary With yourself in regards to saying no, this is too much other parents should drive, the kids could maybe take an Uber, or maybe the parents can be taken care of, for the weekend by another sibling, you as a busy person, also are probably the one who takes the most on your shoulders and feel the most responsible and tell yourself all the time. While I cannot really expect anyone else to do it, or if I let anyone else do it, they're never going to do it as well as I could. And so I'm better just do it myself. Get out of this mode, realize that some people may actually wait for you to make room so that they can jump in and help. Maybe you are making people depend on you. Because it feels good on you. But at the same time, you also not really empowering them to take charge, because you never asked you never trust them, you never give them a sense of they can also do it and you believe in them. And then to be balanced. also change your identity, look at yourself in a more holistic way, not just as a human doing, but also as a human being. And as I mentioned before, just dig a little bit deeper into those inner qualities that may be hidden inside of you that you want to explore. Be curious about yourself. Be curious now, not when the kids are out of the house or when you are retiring or whatever magical, you know, deadline or goal we are pursuing where we say okay, then I really, really going to focus on happiness or balance. Do it now. Because we never really know Right? When is the time that we are not here anymore. And I think there is something really, really important about a fulfilled life, to also have a really close and intimate relationship with yourself. So open your mind and open your heart to notice that you can make choices in regards to business. And maybe it's nice to really stop this impulse of just doing and being productive and just allow yourself to sit or go for a walk or do something leisurely at a different pace to ease yourself into a more balanced way of living. Stop the negative self talk that have to shirt. Why don't you say no, I'm my own person, I my own authority, I