Transcript
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Jennifer Kolari: Hi, everyone,
and welcome to another episode
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of connected parenting. So today
I wanted to talk about something
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really important. And this is
sort of a foundation to building
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resilience in your kids and, and
recuperation. And if we've
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learned anything in 2020, it's
that things can change really
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fast. Disappointments can happen
for some kids and families have
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been huge disappointments,
really big things happening. You
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know, tragically losing family
members, financial, big
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financial changes. And for a lot
of families, there's just been
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regular kind of disappointments
and for our kids, because we've
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tended to raise them by making
everything as easy as possible
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for them. We've tried to smooth
out every bump in the road. They
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are not particularly equipped
this generation to handle this
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appointment, and there's been a
lot of it and there will be
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more. And life is like that. I
say this all the time that you
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can't you, if you try to protect
your child from every
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disappointment and every hurt,
all you're doing is giving them
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a disadvantage. So the
neurological hardware that needs
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to develop in order to handle
disappointments, trouble
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breakups, not making a team not
getting the job. That that
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hardware comes from experience.
It comes from losing something,
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learning something, losing
something again, and learning
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something and if we rob our
children of those experiences,
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then they're not going to have
the neurological equipment to
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handle trouble when it comes.
And trouble always comes. Hi,
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everyone. I'm Jennifer Clary.
I'm a child and family therapist
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and a parenting coach and the
founder of connected parenting.
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And welcome to the connected
parenting weekly podcast. Join
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me every week. And we'll tackle
everything from temper tantrums
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to bedtime to sibling issues to
teenage angst, parenting can be
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so wonderful, but it can be so
hard. Parents often say to me,
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Hey, can you just come live at
my house, this is the next best
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thing. Let's do this together.
So let's talk about how to help
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your kids deal with
disappointment. So the first
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thing I want to talk about is
the importance of
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disappointment. Healthy
adversity is actually critical
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to good mental health. The brain
organizes itself in polarity. A
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bad thing means a good thing is
better. And a good thing means a
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bad thing is worse, and it just
goes back and forth. And as you
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deal with that polarity, because
everything in life has an equal
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and opposite. You help your
children learn that contrast. So
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disappointment, hurt feelings,
going through something really
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hard. Or be the things that
really help you do have your
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character and the sense of who
you are later on in life. So as
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difficult as it is for us as
parents to watch our children
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struggle, and to watch them
suffer. In those moments, there
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is growth, there is learning,
there is an opportunity to see
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how strong they are to learn how
to recover, to learn that things
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can seem really difficult and
really impossible. And that can
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be okay. But if we've jumped in
and rescued them every single
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time and fixed it or bought them
something or called that teacher
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or got them invited to that
thing, or got them on that team
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they shouldn't be on. We're
robbing them, we're robbing them
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of the learning that can come
from more negative experiences.
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History is the greatest teacher
you will ever have. Right? So
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learning from those those
difficult experiences really is
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critical to mental health. Those
contrast those contours in life
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are essential, because it's
those things that actually help
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us really appreciate when things
go well, when things feel good,
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when things are pleasant, and
things are positive and you
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cannot have one without the
other. Now I've given this
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example before. But imagine you
had a little eight year old girl
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and you have fixed every problem
she's ever had. You can't stand
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her looking upset, you can't
stand her suffering. So every
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time that she is sad, you rush
in and you buy her something or
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you have a different birthday
party or you find something else
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to distract her and make her
feel better. She's learning two
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things one, pain is intolerable.
Sadness is intolerable. It's an
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emotion that is really painful.
It's so bad that my parents
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won't even let me experience it.
And my parents can't even
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tolerate my sadness. So it must
be really, really bad. So
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there's sort of this doubling
down of what happens in these
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negative experiences. Now
imagine that you take that
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little girl to go and get an ice
cream cone and she's eating her
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ice cream and plops onto the
floor. Now that child is going
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to start crying and screaming
she will be shrieking and
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devastated. Why? Because the ice
cream falling on the floor is
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actually one of the worst things
that's ever happened to her.
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Because every other part of her
life has been so carefully
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programmed and cushioned. All
we've done is shifted, she's
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going to experience the pain
anyway. But now she's going to
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experience it over smaller and
smaller things, because the
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brain is constantly looking for
that balance, and that polarity.
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So the first thing you want to
be able to do is use the contact
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niq. So go back to the earlier
podcasts, and, and listen to all
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of those, it's really important
because it's how you listen and
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hold space, and sit with your
child, or your mother in law or
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your spouse, or your best
friend. It's not just for kids,
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when they struggle, it's it's
being present with them in that
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painful moment, not talking them
out of it, not cheerleading them
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out of it, not distracting them
out of it. But being present,
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and truly listening with your
heart in that moment. That's the
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greatest thing you can do for
your child. So we'll come back
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to it exactly example in a
moment, but you're present with
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them in that moment, you're
using the Contact meek, two or
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three statements to release that
oxytocin to help your child feel
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like you've heard them, it is
not happening to you, you are
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not devastated, you know that it
is happening to them, You are
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grounded and neutral. And then
you do your absolute best not to
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rescue, not to fix the
situation, if there's a learning
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lesson in there, your child
needs to experience that lesson,
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the best example I could give
you is let's say your child
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procrastinated horribly on a
project. And it's too late, they
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can't do it anymore. It's too
late. Instead of doing it for
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them, or doing it with them, at
10 o'clock at night, you mirror
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first, which looks like you know
what, this is a horrible feeling
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you really did believe you were
gonna get this done you
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everything in you thought you
were going to be able to finish
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this, and then it was going to
be okay. But it's taken so much
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longer than you thought it was
going to take. And that's a
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really scary feeling. You're
right in there. Now you're not
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panicking, you're not gonna You
really thought this was gonna
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work. And now it can't your own
emotions can't be in there you
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must be parenting from a place
of love, not fear. It's
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happening to her, or to him in
you are sharing that back, you
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are reflecting that back through
empathy, and compassion in the
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realm of neutrality. And then
you say my darling, I love you
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enough. To help you learn this
lesson. You need to learn what
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happens when you don't do your
homework when you leave
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something the last minute, and
if I jump in and rescue you, and
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if we do this together, your
brain is going to remember that
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it worked. And it turned out,
okay. And in this case, I don't
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want your brain to know that
it's okay. Because it's not
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okay. It's going to keep piling
up. And it's going to be
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something that you keep doing.
So I want you to learn this
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lesson. Now. I'm not going to
help you, I'm tired. It's 10
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o'clock at night, I've worked
all day. Either do it yourself
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or don't do it. But you need to
figure out what happens when you
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make a choice like this. And
again, it must be in that
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beautiful neutral tone of
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Unknown: Canva you have left at
the last minute. Now you got to
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figure out what happens. It's up
to you to find out, you got
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yourself in this mess, it
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Jennifer Kolari: can't have that
energy. Because it's all about
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fear. Right? That's all about
angst. And it's all about fear.
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And that's not the right energy,
then they just walk away
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thinking you didn't help me,
you're so mean, you don't care
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what happens to me. And that
becomes the context that you're
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communicating. It must come from
a place of love, I love you
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enough not to buy you that. I
love you enough not to do that
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homework for you. I love you
enough not to call and make this
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right. Because as hard as this
is you need to learn voices, and
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that when you make choices,
there will be consequences. This
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is so critical. Because if you
if you don't teach them this
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life will. And then you'll have
a child in their late 20s, early
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20s late teens who does not have
to handle all kinds of things
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that life is going to throw at
you. And when you have little
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kids, you actually do have some
control over their lives. You
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can give them a timeout, you can
take their computer away, you
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can go in and talk to the
teacher. When they're older. You
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can't do anything but watch.
They are they have sovereignty,
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they have independence, they
will make their own choices and
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all you can do is stand back and
hope that you have taught them
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enough and love them enough so
that they can make really good
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choices and or learn from their
negative choices. What you can
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do is constantly remind your
child, I believe in you. I see
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what you're capable of. I know
what you're capable of. I'm
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excited to watch this unfold.
I'm excited for you to see you
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become the person I know you are
getting them to line up with
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Aaron Integrity, are you in your
integrity? Are you out of your
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integrity, when you're out of
your integrity, you know, you
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did a bunch of things first and
goofed around and watch a bunch
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of shows and, and ignored what
you needed to do. And now that
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project is due, and now you're
in big trouble. But the reason
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you're upset is because you know
that you're out of your
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integrity. That's how you guide
your child. That's how you love
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your child into becoming the
incredible human being that
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they're meant to become. Now
another technique that is really
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important. So this is more for
little kids. But it's really
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important because it prepares
kids for later in life when big
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hurts and little hurts become
different things, but having a
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conversation with your child
about what is a big hurt, and
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what is a little hurt. So you
talk about a big hurt first, and
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don't make up something
terrifying work work with your
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child, but if it's something
that they can really identify
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with, so if they've lost a
grandparent, if they've had an
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experience or life that has been
a really big hurt, you can use
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that as an anchor point. If they
haven't, then and sort of find
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the something in their in their
life, that was a really big
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thing that they had a really
hard time with, and use that as
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a definition of a big heart. And
then you talk about a little
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hurt, well, a little hurt was my
show wasn't on that I thought
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was gonna be on or I thought we
were going to be able to go for
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a walk and we can't right now
like, we just sort of find that
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scale with them. And then there
would be a medium part. So if
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they're a little, I don't know,
maybe that would be leaving
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their favorite teddy bear on the
subway or a bus or something or
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losing something that really
matters to them, you know, not
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getting invited to something,
you know, that's a friend that
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isn't really a close friend,
something like that, that would
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be a medium hurt. And then
constantly working that out with
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them so that when they're in a
moment of upset, you can help
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them scale it. So your body
feels like this is a really big
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hurt. But is it a little hurt?
Or is it a medium hurt, they
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will always tell you in the
moment, it's at the heart while
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we say that. But as you're kind
of working that out with them,
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they're doing the job of that
you're helping them you're
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assisting them in the job that
the frontal lobe does, which is
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to try and take perspective
right in some of this can be
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done afterwards. So there will
be moments where doing this in
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the middle is just not going to
work there. And they're so upset
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they're in such as fight or
flight state that they're
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hysterical. In that moment, you
try three to four statements of
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mirroring. Really being present
with them, not talking them out
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of it, not sure leading them out
of it, maintaining your own
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sense of neutrality, tell
yourself in that moment, my
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child is in pain, think to
yourself, my child is in pain,
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but they're going to be okay.
They've been in pain many times
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before over many things. And in
an hour from now they're going
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to be okay or tomorrow they're
going to be okay. Really used to
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love to adjust where they are in
this moment, trusting your child
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that this is part of life and
they will get through it, they
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will be okay. Acknowledging that
you're in pain as well watching
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them just resonating with that
feeling, letting it sink in a
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little bit, don't fight it, then
you can kind of release it and
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trust that your child will be
okay. And there'll be some
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learning here and some guiding
here. You can do all of this
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with your child after the event.
So maybe a couple of hours
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later, hey, let's go back and
think about what happened this
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morning you thought you know so
and so was going to come over
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and they didn't mirror first
totally crummy. You had all
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these plans. I saw you were so
excited last night, you knew
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exactly what we wanted to do
with your friend. It's so hard
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when things don't happen. It
feels so awful in your body,
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just really being present.
Letting them feel that. And then
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you can reflect and say but you
know what I was thinking about
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it. And where does that fall on
the scale of big heart to little
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I know, it felt like a big hurt.
It really, really did. But part
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of learning to grow up and
partying part of learning how to
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run this amazing brain that you
have, and deal with all your
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feelings so that you can control
them, instead of them
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controlling you is figuring out
maybe that was a medium part.
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And helping them actually scale
their response. Well, that's
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interesting, because it looked
like he had, you know, a big
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hurt response to a little hurt
and what can we do, and it's
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really helping them look at
these situations from a
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different perspective. Now, as
always, with connected
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parenting, you also want to be
doing this with yourself. So we
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often have especially if you're
an empathic, super sensitive
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parent, it's going to gut you,
when your child is upset, your
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body is going to have a big hurt
response to it. So first you
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have to ground yourself you have
to acknowledge that feeling. You
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have to literally use the
contact niq on yourself. I love
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my child so much. I do so much
for them. I try in every way
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possible to make sure that
they're having a good life and
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they're happy and to watch them
this devastated just so hard.
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It's so hurtful. Be really
compassionate with yourself. You
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love your child very, very
match, which is why you feel it
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in such a big way when they're
hurting. After you resonate with
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that, after you allow yourself
to feel that feeling, sit with
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it a little bit, let it flow
through, you take a breath, and
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then say, okay, now I have to
move into frontal lobe mode, my
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own frontal lobe, and I also
have to be the substitute
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frontal lobe for my child. Now I
need to go back, I need to keep
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in my mind, a very strong sense
that my child will be fine, that
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this is part of learning that
there is incredible value in
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00:15:31,740 --> 00:15:36,390
contrast, and contours, they are
essential for growth, they're
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essential for mental health,
there are all these little bumps
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00:15:40,380 --> 00:15:43,770
that my child needs to have when
they're little, in order to be
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protective, in order for them to
have the hardware that they need
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to handle big bumps later real
bumps that Mommy and Daddy can't
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fix. Having faith in your child,
having belief in your child that
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they will get through it. It is
very hard. And as we move
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through life right now, where
there's all kinds of change,
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there's so much anxiety. There's
a lot of disappointment. A lot
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of things that were supposed to
happen aren't happening right
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00:16:10,560 --> 00:16:16,290
now. We're feeling very fragile,
and worried ourselves. But it's
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really important to understand
that emotions are information,
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they are not to be feared. They
are not to you, you're not to
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00:16:22,920 --> 00:16:26,580
run away from them, their
information, you register them,
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you read them, you feel them,
you resonate with them, and then
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you release them. And then you
teach your child to do the same.
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This is the greatest gift
honestly that you can give your
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child giving them the gift of
emotional resilience, giving
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00:16:40,950 --> 00:16:43,650
them those emotional shock
absorbers that they're going to
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00:16:43,650 --> 00:16:47,250
need to handle life. There is
nothing greater that you can
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give your child why
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Unknown: I'm Barry Clary from
connected parenting. I hope you
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00:16:51,630 --> 00:16:54,630
enjoyed our podcast. And don't
forget to check us out on the
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00:16:54,630 --> 00:16:58,500
web at connected parenting.com
and like us and follow us on
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00:16:58,500 --> 00:16:58,920
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