May 4, 2022

Bring Your Mess Into The Light

Bring Your Mess Into The Light

Life can feel like an arena. In parenting and in teen and tween life especially. Getting up and ready to face the challenges every day. In your arena, you have 3 seats that are always taken up: Scarcity, Comparison, and Shame. In this episode, I walk through how these three “gremlins” show up in our arenas and what you can do about them!

About the Host:

Nellie Harden is a wife of 20+ years, mom to 4 teen/tween daughters, dreamer, adventurer, servant, multipreneur, forever student, and a devoted teacher, but her ride-or-die passion is her work as a Family Life Coach & Mentor. 

Coming from a career background in marine mammal sciences, behavioral work, and a host of big life experiences, both great and not some not so great, she decided that designing a life of purpose and freedom was how she and her husband, along with their 4 daughters, wanted to live. 

Her work and passions exist in the realms of family and parent mentorship because she believes that a family filled with creativity, fun, laughter, challenge, adventure, problem-solving, hugs, good food, and learning can not only change a person’s life but is the best chance at positively changing the world. 

She helps families build Self-Led Discipline™ & Leadership Into their homes, sets their children up for a wildly successful life on their terms, and elevates the family experience with big joy, palpable peace, and everyday growth!

With a lifelong passion and curiosity in thought, choice, behavior, and growth she has found incredible joy in helping families shift perspective, find answers, and a path forward.

 

(Nellie has been coaching families for over 10 years and has degrees in Biology, Animal Behavior and Psychology. ) 

 

LINKS:

Family Success Vault- https://www.nellieharden.com/vault

Website- https://www.nellieharden.com

Online Community- https://www.facebook.com/groups/the6570project

Instagram- https://www.instagram.com/nellieharden/   

Facebook- https://www.facebook.com/nellie.harden/

 

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Transcript
Nellie Harden:

Hello and welcome to the 6570 family project

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podcast. If you are a parent of a tween teen or somewhere on the

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way, this is exactly the place for you. This is the playground

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for parents who want to raise their kids with intention,

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strength and joy. Come and hear all the discussions, get all the

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tactics and have lots of laughs along the way. We will dive into

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the real challenges and raising kids today how to show up as

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parents and teach your kids how to show up as members of the

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family and individuals of the world. My name is Mellie Hardin,

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big city girl turn small town sipping iced tea on the front

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porch mama, who loves igniting transformation in the hearts and

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minds of families by helping them build self love, discipline

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and leadership that elevate the family experience, and sets the

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kids up with a rock solid foundation, they can launch

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their life on all before they ever leave home. This is the

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6570 family project. Let's go Hello, everyone. Welcome to

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another episode of the 6570 family project podcast where we

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are putting aside those power struggles and really finding the

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path to lead our young women toward confidence, respect and

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wisdom and prepare them for the great big world out there. And

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today we're going to be talking about how we can ourselves and

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help our daughters and our any children that we have bring our

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mess into the light, normalize mess and be able to start

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unraveling it in order to get those knots out. So if you have

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not yet I really encourage you to look up Man in the Arena. It

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is a

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poem or speech that Theodore Roosevelt gave. And it is so

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good Brene Brown, love Brene Brown. And she really talks

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about this in some of her talks. And this is something that

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really struck me because when we're in when we are in life, it

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often feels like a fight or a challenge, at least that we are

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getting through every single day. Even if it's a great day,

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you still got through that day with Triumph. And on our hardest

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days, we get through that day with Triumph. And so Man in the

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Arena is such a powerful statement that can be put

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together highly encourage you to look it up, just Google it, you

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will find it Man in the Arena, Theodore Roosevelt, I have it in

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my house. And it really reminds us of who's in the arena, who we

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are, who we can listen to, to get actual good guidance and who

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we should not listen to, to get guidance. And three of those

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seats that are often taken up in our arena are scarcity, shame

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and comparison, those are the ones we do not want to listen

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to. But if we don't invite them in a they're gonna find a way in

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no matter what. And they're gonna lurk in the corners,

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they're going to sneak up on us when we least expect it, they

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are going to surprise us and it is not going to be good. So kind

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of like inviting the enemies in, right? We want to invite them

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in, get put, show them to their seats, and be able to shine a

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light on them. So we always know where they are. We always know

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what they're going to say. And we can always just be able to

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let them be for what they are and then walk away and be in our

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arena. Does that make sense? No your enemies, right. Okay, so

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let's dive into these a little bit. It is comparison, shame and

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scarcity. And Brene. Brown has a TED Talk that she talked a

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little bit about, well, a lot a bit about the Man in the Arena

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and some of these seats. And we're going to dive into it in

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the context of what we do in the 6570 family project. So let's

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talk about comparison. Comparison is going to show up

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as stories that we tell ourselves in our head that

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either glorify us and put someone else down or the

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opposite, right? It is going to really put us down and glorify

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someone else. And these are often worst case scenarios for

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one best case scenarios for another. Which means it's not

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really true that the truth lies somewhere in the middle there

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and it's this comparison trap that we get in of I will never

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be as smart as that other person. I will never be a good

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enough parent. I will never write the always nevers I am

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always too tired for this. I am. I can never do that. That move

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in soccer like my teammate. Ken, I will never get into college, I

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will never get that scholarship. All of these catastrophizing

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events can happen with yourself in the driver's seat. Or it can

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be this grandiose, inflated esteem, which is always fake

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where it is, I am so much better than everyone else, I am so much

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better than them because of this, you know, a, b, and c. So

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this comparison is really a dangerous place to be for our

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children and ourselves. And if we can, again, shine that light

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on there, unravel this and find out what's going on, then we can

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start to deal with it. This can be particularly dangerous when

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there's comparison between siblings, or what often happens

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to is when there's comparison between parent, the parents

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teenage years, and what the teenager is the teen or tween is

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going through right now. Right? The whole quote unquote, when I

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was your age, you know, so those can be particularly demeaning

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and harsh, because they are inside of the home. So again,

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let's put a light on them know where comparison is coming from,

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not be afraid to have the conversation about it. And then

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we can start to unravel it and get to the root. So that's

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comparison, it's always going to be there. So be aware of

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comparison in your arena. So let's talk about shame. And

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shame is the defining identity of I Am, anything that comes

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after I am you can put that is not shining a positive light on

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yourself. That is going to be in the shame category. Anything

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that you could say I am that you're not proud of. You

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wouldn't stand in front of the arena and shouted unnecessarily

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then with with pride, good pride, not demeaning pride, but

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good pride, then that goes into the shame category. And when we

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start to get into the I am statements, then we're

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catastrophizing again, right? These are all close cousins

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comparison, shame and identity. They're like the three

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musketeers that like to hang out and they're like, Ooh, you

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didn't get them this time. I'm going to try and get them this

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time, right? Oh, okay, let's try this time and they strategize,

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right these these three seeds shame, comparison and scarcity.

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So when you're down there in the arena, and you have these

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feelings and thoughts of, I am never going to get into college,

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I am never enough, I am never going to get the attention of

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this person that I'm interested in. I am never going to get this

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scholarship, right. All of those things, those are identifying

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markers and what it does is it puts you in a box and when it

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puts you in a box that is just an acceptance of the way that it

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is box there is no getting out of there. There's no work to be

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done in order to undefine something right? So that's why

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it can be so dangerous. If you say I am not smart, then that's

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just what it is right? And you get into this it is what it is

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type of mentality which is one of my husband's like least

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favorite things ever. Which I can see why because you are then

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just defining it and you're saying it is what it is

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therefore I will not work on it. Let's move on to something else

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and just accept this character about myself. And it's not even

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true. It's not even true. Shame is not true. Okay. They are the

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lies that we are telling ourselves about who we are. So

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when the thing it is what it is it goes with some things I don't

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want to throw it under the bus because there are some things

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that just are what they are like the car was in an accident. Yes,

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absolutely. That is definitively true. Right? But my daughter is

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depressed and it and it made me upset right? We don't have to

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say our daughter is depressed and it just is what it is and

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we're going to live with it. No right shame blocks us from

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action toward the things that are actionable. Okay. So

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material things can be defined it is what it is, but feelings

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and lives cannot feelings and lives emotions, actions. Those

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are actionable and we can always change them if we're still here.

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We can change them. Okay. So then there is scarcity the I

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will never be enough so why try? I will never be able to talk to

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them in their room. So why try I see this with parents sometimes.

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You know, when I'm talking to them about having those

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intentional conversations and they're like my kid will never

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let me in my room. So I'm not even going to try. I already

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know what they're going to say. That's that scarcity mindset,

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right? I will never be able to. So that is the other seat, you

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guys again, shining a light on there and being receptive to the

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effects that these three seats have, right. And when we can do

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that, then when we're down in the arena, we could say I see

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you, I see you, I know that I am enough, I know that there is

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enough of whatever it is that you need out there. I know that

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I am one unique person, and there aren't so many other

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people that have come before me that are just like me, I'm not a

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dime a dozen, I am a unique person for a unique purpose.

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Right? That is where scarcity can really, really get you. When

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it just says what doesn't matter? Don't do anything.

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Everybody else has already tried that and not and it doesn't

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work, or other people have tried that. And it has and they're

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doing great. So why would you come in and try, right? And so

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your child really needs you, as the parent as the family

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architect that is planning, designing and building the

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beginning of their life to help them see these three Gremlins,

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as Brennan calls them, that are always in the seats comparison,

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shame and scarcity. So comparison, I'm not as good as

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shame. I am fill in the blank scarcity, never enough blank,

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right? So all three of these breed isolation. And as we know,

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my, if you've ever done any sort of biology lab ever, isolation

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is where things grow. They breed and they grow in the darkness of

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that isolation, like a petri dish, right? So let's put a

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light on these things. Put a light on them. If you don't want

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to talk about something right away, because you don't have the

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words. That's absolutely fine. Right? If if you're trying to

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figure out where is this scarcity, shame and comparison

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happening, and you're feeling some things, and you're

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questioning some things, and you're being curious about

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things, but you don't necessarily have the words yet.

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That is okay. Take some time. But definitely, definitely come

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back. And this reminds me so not too long ago, there was this

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event that was happening really early in the morning. I'm

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talking like, I think it started at 6:15am. And it was on a

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Sunday. It was really early in the morning. And I wanted to go

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to it. But I wasn't going to make anyone in my anyone else in

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my house, go to it because it's early. It's a weekend. And so I

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got up and my husband did come with me. And we went and I think

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it was like a day later, it might have been a day or two

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later.

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I just noticed he was acting a little off. And I asked I was

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like So Are you okay, what's going on? He's like, I just, I

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just don't have the words right now. And I was like, Okay, well,

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be sure you come back to me when you do. And another couple of

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days passed, and we were sitting there eating lunch, and he

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seemed, you know better. And I said, so the other day when you

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said you didn't have the words, do you have the words now? And

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he's like, Well, I thought about it, and I'm okay. And I was

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like, Well, what was it? You know? And so what happened is

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these Gremlins were speaking to him in his arena. And they were

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telling him, You know what, she didn't invite you and didn't

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want you to come on Sunday morning. She wanted to be by

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herself. And so she didn't even invite you and didn't want you

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there. And I was like, Oh, my goodness. I was like, no, no,

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no, that is not true at all. I'm so sorry. You thought that

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right? That was his truth was I didn't even want them there. And

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my truth was, it would be selfish of me to ask him to come

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to this and sacrifice his weekend morning because we're so

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busy during the week. I don't want him to sacrifice, you know,

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resting and sleeping in on a on a weekend. And so I'm not even

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going to selfishly ask him to come so he feels like there's an

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obligation to come. So my place was I love him so much. I don't

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want to bother him and give him an obligation to come. And his

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place was she is you know, pulling away. She doesn't want

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me to come so she didn't even ask and see where that can

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happen. These are the Gremlins that are in our arenas, and I

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see this with our kids all the time and but that's just an

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example that happened, you know recently with us, but unless we

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brought that into To the light, he never would have known what

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the truth was. And he just would have been living with this

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acceptance of it is what it is. Okay. So that is a great example

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of how we need to bring it into the light, unravel it, get the

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truth, and then move on, right. So if we can expect these seats

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to be there, make room for them, invite them in. And so they

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aren't pushing their way in when they're pushing their wing in,

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they're going to knock something else good out of the way. I have

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two rescue dogs and every single time I let them outside, one of

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them she can be behind her. The boy, he could be behind our girl

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dog. But as soon as you crack the door, I don't know that

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numbskull. He just plows through and like knocks everybody out of

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the way and cluding himself, he's knocking himself in the

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head so he can get outside first. And that is what I see

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with these three. These three seats of scarce scarcity, shame

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and comparison, pushing their way into your arena and knocking

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some good stuff out of the way because of it. So invite them

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in, Shine the light, put the spotlights on them, be sure you

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always know where they are and what they are up to. And then

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they will never be able to surprise you. Right? The more we

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can expect, the easier it will be for us. And it reminds me of

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what is it Hunger Games, right moves and countermoves Okay, you

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guys, I hope that you got so much out of this today. And you

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can be more aware of these three Gremlins in your arena as you're

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going throughout the day, and teach your kids to be more aware

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of them as well. I will be back next week with another episode

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and remember to keep teaching, keep laughing and keep loving

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and above all remember to keep showing up with intention during

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this 6570 parenthood childhood experience because they need

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you. All right, everyone, I will talk to you soon. Thank you so

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much for listening today. And I hope you were able to take

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something from our discussion that you can use to build the

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foundation of selfless leadership in your own family.

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If you are a parent with children 17 or younger, and

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especially those around nine and up, I would love to extend an

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invitation to you to the best club in town. The family

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architects Club is a private club where intentional parents

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go that want to love support, connect or reconnect and really

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truly help guide their kids and teach them how to self leave in

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discipline and leadership. This is an online community and the

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you are welcome to it. Parenting is a project and you are the

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architect of this one. You plan you design and oversee the

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construction of the beginning of someone else's life. And that's

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what goes into these first 6570 days. And it will be the

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foundation for the rest of their lives. So

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come join the club. You can find your invitation on the front

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page of my website Nelly hardin.com that is n e ll ie H

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AR d e n.com. Thank you again for being a part of this

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conversation today. And if something really resonated with

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you, or if you have a question, please don't hesitate to connect

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with me. You can find me on Instagram at Nelly Hardin. And

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lastly if you love the information, please please leave

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a five star review and a comment so more and more families can be

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impacted by harnessing the strength of these ideas and

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tools in their own families. So thank you so much. Happy

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building you guys and I'll see you next week.