Insights And Strategies To Enhance Your Impact, With Your Host Melinda Lee

This day, we're going to talk about an important

aspect of influence. And that is deep listening. I have a

question for you, when you are about to meet with someone

interact or communicate with somebody, are you seeking

certainty, or clarity. And in order to illustrate these

concepts, I'm going to tell you a story what happened over the

weekend, I was at a baby shower and sitting on the couch

admiring the decorations, the balloons, the flowers, and then

my old client who happened to be there sat on the couch next to

me. And because we know each other very well, she starts

talking to me about her husband and says, Melinda, you know, my

husband has ADHD, he I not mad at him for having it, he cannot

help but have it yet, I am so frustrated and tired, because

he's not doing anything about it. He's not reading up on it,

he's not learning about it to help himself. And so I'm doing

so much I send him YouTube videos, or or give him an

article or a book. And yet, he just doesn't do anything. And so

it's quite frustrating for me, and I just don't know what to

do. So I turned around and asked her, I said, What do you think

he thinks about this? Like, when you look at him, is he happy in

his life? And she just looked back at me with this really

blank stare. I haven't never asked, I don't know what he

thinks about it. I don't know if he's happy? That's a good

question. That's a great point. And so I want to ask you, are

you seeking certainty or clarity? In that interaction,

she was seeking certainty, and clarifying in understanding her

own assumptions, or forging her own assumptions. So let me

explain a little bit more the difference between certainty and

clarity. Certainty is when we validate our own assumptions

with certainty is like, we want to know that we are right, or we

want to know we're what's about to happen is what we assume

that's about to happen. So we're constantly seeking certainty

because our brain loves it, it helps us feel safe, it helps us

feel like we know. And so for her, she was so certain, my

client was so certain that she had all the solutions, she had

all the answers. So she was trying to clarify her own

assumptions. And so this is happening all the time. And it's

not just her, we as people, as humans have biases. And we're

constantly seeking certainty to clarify our own biases, you

might see somebody walking down the street, and they're dressed

really nicely. And you might want to assume or infer that

this person has a nice job, they're responsible, or you're

about to go into a meeting. And this is a high person, that's

authority of you. And you may have had a bad interaction with

this person of authority. And so in your mind, your brain is

going to prepare you and assume that this might happen again,

because it just wants to feel certain. And it wants to know

and be prepared. If it's an unknown, it just wants to be

prepared. And so we're boring, our brain is doing that. But

what happens when we're constantly doing that is that we

start to bring in our own assumptions into the reality,

what we think is a reality. And it might not be the other

person's reality. And it might not be with the other person

where that person is at. And so there's a disconnect between the

person that person reality and my reality. So we want to move

more into clarity and seeking clarity in our own in the other

person's world has nothing to do with us now. So we are moving

into the other person's world and asking genuine questions,

seeking clarity about where the other person's at, in my case

with that my client, she couldn't ask genuine questions

about where her husband is at today. And I'm saying today,

because people change, I change. And so you change. And so we

always want to see clarity of where the person is at today.

What is motivating them today? What are they feeling today? Do

they feel that they even have a problem to be solved? And so

asking genuine questions, if you want to influence your team

member, you want to ask genuine questions, what might be holding

them back? What they might be resisting, they're playing a

story in their head of why they're resisting or why they

don't want to do what they do. And so it's your job to see and

understand that story and draw it out from them. And if you've

done it correctly, they will tell you that That means that

you are connected to them. And that is your whole goal is to

listen deeply without judging. And if they don't feel judged,

if they don't feel evaluated, then they're going to tell you

their story. And when you hear that story out, then you could

potentially seek inconsistencies with what they're saying, or

bring in your specific solution that is right for them in this

moment. And that is the key. So listening deeply, without

judgement, forging that connection, that trust and

leveraging your own influence in that way. People don't want to

be told what to do. You want to motivate them, because you want

them to want to do it. And so my question to you is, are you

seeking certainty and validating your own assumptions? validating

that you have all the solutions? And you're right? Or are you

seeking clarity and understanding of the other

person's worlds? I have an activity for you a fun activity

you can do right after this podcast, I want you to start to

be aware of your own mindset. When it comes to these

interactions. Are you seeking certainty and validate your

assumptions, or clarity, there is a storytelling approach

called character creation, and cost play. So in character

creation, you get all these traits. And then you can create

a story based on that trait, you can create their behaviour, you

can create the motivation of that character. That sounds like

clarifying our own assumptions, right? That sounds like

certainty. And so are you doing that? Are you getting the traits

of this person and looking at that person's trait and creating

your own story? Or are you moving into cosplay, and cosplay

is a method where you go into the realm of this environment,

you don't know what is about to happen, you don't know the

character. So want you to go even if you've known this

person, or even if you had interactions with this person,

constantly seek clarity, and move into the realm of cost

play, which is really just seeking to understand the person

today, as if you've never met them before. What is happening

today? What are their feelings today? What are their problems

today? They might not know what their problem is? And you by

asking genuine questions can help them clarify this problem?

And asking, what is the impact of the problem? Oh, it's

impacting your relationships, it's impacting your health, they

might see that, then only then you might offer for them to

figure out their own solution. So what do you think might help?

What do you think are the best next steps for you, then the

person feels more motivated to help themselves versus coming in

with our own assumptions of what we might think that they need.

So moving into understanding, first seeking to understand the

person deep listening without judgement, just accepting the

roam the environment, the character as is, and then

helping him or her to clarify their situation, and possibly

their own solutions. So this is a very different way of

listening and influencing. And when you do this, when you're

able to listen at this level, you are increasing your your

trust, and building that trust and that connection, forging

meaningful relationships. And then and only then will your

influence skyrocket. Because you're there for them. You're

helping them see their own problem, clarifying their own

solutions based on what they want to do. And when you can do

that you're building their relationship, you're then

therefore making a bigger impact in that person's life. And

therefore impacting more people, perhaps your team impacting the

organisation and you are seeing even more so as that powerful,

effective leader that you are. I hope that you take these these

tips for deep listening, forging meaningful connection and

building trust and making a bigger influence in the world.

And so, until next time, I'll see you on the next episode.

Take care