“I Had To Leave The Army To Heal" | A Veteran's Guide Communicating Through Burnout

Welcome to the Speak and Flow podcast, where we have leaders who care, and know that when it matters most, communication will make a difference.

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Melinda Lee: Today, I have an amazing trailblazing leader, Riley. We're going to dive into how to turn any survival or burnout into strength, power, and purpose. This is going to be an amazing episode. Thank you so much, Riley, for being here.

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Riley: Thank you, I'm so excited, I really appreciate the opportunity.

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Melinda Lee: Yes, you are doing amazing things right now with clients, and you are a U.S. veteran. You've come so far, and yet you have an amazing story, that didn't always start off with strength and power. So can you share with our audience what that is?

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Riley: Yes, so, one of, I guess, the most important aspect of my story relating to our topic of mental health is, when I had to leave the Army. So…

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Riley: I had gone through life having to reinvent myself.

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Riley: So many times, whether it was joining the military in an all-male branch, which was newly opened to women.

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Riley: And trailblazing, as you mentioned. I didn't have a manual, I didn't have a handbook, as many of us do in new chapters of life. And so, going throughout my military career, and oftentimes this happens with people in the military and military families, having to move every two years, having to have a new community every two years, create new friends.

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Riley: meet new coworkers, take on a new identity in those roles. But what really hit me, and what I want to share with everyone, is when I left the military, I was medically retired, and that was a very hard pill to swallow. You don't know what you don't know, and there's such a stigma around

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Riley: seeing mental health resources, going to therapy in the military, and maybe in general in our world, that it's kind of frowned upon, and the stigma itself in the military is, oh, it's a career ender, your career's gonna be ended. And my story specifically ended in separation from the military, but it doesn't have to be that way.

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Riley: The reason I ended up seeking mental health resources was because I just was going, going, going, and we're often taught, mission first, just, you know, no matter what, the mission is first. And to me, my mission was, you know, my soldiers, and my job, and making sure

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Riley: their health and welfare was at the forefront of my mind, and we're executing training correctly and to standard and things like that in a safe and secure environment. So always putting all of that in front of me and never worrying about myself as a leader, until I…

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Riley: physically could not, ignore the fact that, you know, I was having physiological responses to, an abusive past that I had experienced that involved sexual assault and harassment, just riddled throughout my military career, but more specifically with a relationship I had experienced with another service member. And so that affected me so deeply. My leader at the time, my commander, eventually

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Riley: empowered me to go seek mental health resources, and I did, and I didn't realize how bad it truly was until we started peeling back the layers and trying to figure out, you know, what makes us tick, which I think is so important in general for people to determine in life, because we all go through certain traumas, and there's no comparison to what one person might have experienced compared to someone else.

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Riley: And so, it kind of goes back to that, if, you know, you and I, Melinda, were in a pool swimming, and we're in the deep end, we're tossed in, and you know how to swim perfectly, but I don't. Who's, you know, who's that gonna be traumatic for, right? So, having gone through, mental health.

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Riley: treatment for an extensive period, I would say, you know, months on months.

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Riley: And eventually coming to the conclusion that, one, the military no longer aligned with my purpose. Having experienced what I had experienced, it kind of left a sour taste in my mouth, and it affected me so deeply in a negative way that, unfortunately, just being in that environment was very difficult for me.

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Riley: But…

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Riley: that is what eventually led to medical retirement. The Army said, you know what, you're not fit for duty, you have PTSD that's so severe that, you should probably not be in this environment anymore. And I said, okay. And so, on my way out, I made it a point to educate my soldiers. I had about 200 soldiers

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Riley: At the time that were… I was responsible for. And so, sharing my testimony, to them, and sharing with them that, hey, you're not alone, because one of the biggest things that's out there is, you know, people thinking they're alone in their trauma and what they've been through, and just carrying so much, maybe, shame or guilt around that.

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Riley: Healing through that is so important, and then knowing that you're not the only person going through this, and there are resources out there if you are, and you need to heal.

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Riley: That was so important to me, because coming from a leader, you oftentimes look at your leaders like, hey, they've probably got this all figured out. That's why they're so successful, they've got it all figured out. But oftentimes, high achievers have been through some serious… some serious things in life, some serious trauma.

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Riley: And,

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Riley: I shouldn't say serious trauma, but trauma in general is serious. So, you know, acknowledging that, and then sharing that, and now it's my mission to share that with the world, and I think,

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Riley: when you're able to share your testimony is a true reveal of, you know, how healed you are at a certain point. And so I hope that for everyone. I wish that for everyone, because, like I mentioned, it's so important to…

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Riley: one, figure out, you know, why am I reacting a certain way, maybe negatively, or why am I emotionally unwell in this certain situation?

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Riley: And two, working through that, and then ultimately figuring out, okay, what aligns with me? What is my purpose here?

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Riley: And so, again, that's what I encouraged my soldiers to do, backed it up with factual information, and now that's something I'm sharing because I think it parallels well with life in general, and especially

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Riley: Working in a job, if it doesn't misalign, if you feel burnt out, if you don't feel appreciated as an employee.

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Riley: It's… it's really difficult to be fulfilled.

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Melinda Lee: Yeah, no, I really am so, inspired by your courage. Like you said, you healed, and then also you shared your story with your, you know, with the people, your staff, the people underneath you, as a leader, so to be vulnerable, to be courageous, to go through the healing process, to say something, to share your resources with them, that is so inspiring.

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Melinda Lee: And it did strike a chord with me

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Melinda Lee: a parallel here, especially with people, like you mentioned, in the work environment, and that is that a lot of people are at work

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Melinda Lee: 80% of people are unhappy, I think that's somewhere the statistics, and yet people keep going. They're like, I gotta keep going, I gotta pay the bills, and just like what you did, you just gotta keep going, and then you don't really pay attention to all the red flags.

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Riley: 100%.

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Melinda Lee: Right? And so, when is it that you start to pay to the red flags? That before, it's like, why am I reacting this way? There has to be a reason, and then what we just try to bury it?

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Melinda Lee: Because it's a stigma, or we don't want to lose our job, we don't want to… because we're a high performer, and we're supposed to perform well, and people expect that of us, and so there's a… there could be a huge problem.

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Melinda Lee: I think there is a huge problem, and that people are not talking about it. So, thank you so much for bringing that story.

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Riley: Of course, Melinda, yes, yes, I completely agree, and I think it's… it's maybe difficult to recognize, and I can speak from my personal experience.

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Riley: when you're just going, going, going, and maybe you think all this, therapy stuff is hokey, or, you know, that's not… I don't need that, or whatever the case is, it's similar to…

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Riley: if you want to get fit, if you want to, you know, get into… have your fitness journey and glow up, and it's like, okay, well, you gotta do the things, you gotta, and you can boil it down to science, you know, like, your meals, your macronutrients, and then you can schedule out your fitness. But, I mean, the biggest thing is you have to be consistent with it, and I think it's the same with your mental health, like.

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Riley: you're healing your body physically with the fitness realm, but you gotta heal your mind, the most important thing that keeps your body going, through mental health resources and therapy. And so, being able to recognize what makes yourself tick, and then as a leader, being able to recognize what makes your people tick.

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Riley: is so important, because that's what makes for a successful and healthy team, I think.

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Melinda Lee: Yeah.

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Riley: the synergy, it makes the synergy so much better within the organization, and empowering your subordinates, of course, to go do those things, and then as a leader, showing that you're human and vulnerable. Like, we were talking about vulnerability is… is…

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Riley: such a scary thing, but it is the most courageous thing you can do, as an individual, and I think especially as a leader, to put yourself out there for your subordinates to see.

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Riley: Hey, my extremely successful boss, or, you know, however you picture your boss.

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Riley: is also human. Maybe you hate your boss, and it's like, well, hey, you know, your boss shares with you, I just lost someone. Very important to me a year ago. I'm still navigating that, I'm still human, but I'm gonna show up for you guys every day, and I'm gonna tell you, you know, this is what worked for me if you're experiencing something similar, but more importantly, you're not alone in that.

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Riley: And I think that helps build rapport and confidence in your team, for you as a leader.

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Melinda Lee: I agree. Yeah, because I… it is a stigma for a leader to show up like that, like, I'm having some problems, I'm… I need some support, or, like, you don't have it all together, and… and to be vulnerable like that, I think it could… it is challenging.

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Melinda Lee: But then it's so necessary, because as a leader, we have such a ripple effect. Otherwise, it could play out somewhere else, right? You can start to lash out, unintentionally, and then the divide and the trust that you break because of that.

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Riley: Because…

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Melinda Lee: We're not addressing our own mental health, because we feel like we have to keep going.

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Melinda Lee: pretend everything is okay.

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Riley: 100%.

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Melinda Lee: Yeah, so… and then, like you mentioned, mental health, like, before… it's important to… just like we brush our teeth, take care of ourselves, go to the gym, let's go to, again, get the resources that we need before it gets to the point where it's too late.

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Riley: Yeah, absolutely.

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Riley: Absolutely. In a perfect world, after high school, instead of going into employment, we would all go into, like, a little Star Trek, maybe, therapy world, and heal for about a year, and then go on into the world, because you just see that, like, generational trauma everywhere, and…

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Riley: you know.

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Melinda Lee: You know, this last week, I went to Hawaii, and I thought, oh, I did feel guilty. I said, why am I in Hawaii? I have XYZ things to do, and…

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Melinda Lee: because my mom… I've been… I'm in a generation, a line of workers, right? Hard… she had restaurants, and she never shut down. The only day that was a holiday was Chinese New Year. But Christmas, Thanksgiving, that was the most profitable! They're not closing! So, who am I to go on vacation? And… and then… but I set an intention.

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Melinda Lee: to read this book called Architecture of Abundance. She's a mother of Sheryl Crow. She was the manager of Sheryl Crow, which is a big singer, right?

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Melinda Lee: And I was just in the being of it, and one of the chapters is creating space.

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Melinda Lee: around the importance of creating space for magic, for things to happen, so I did that, because it wasn't like I was not working leading up to Hawaii. I was working, working, working, but… so the… the… went to Hawaii, read the book, and as soon as I came back, I had a client call me and say, hey, I know that we're in contract for $8,000,

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Melinda Lee: But then, is it okay if I send you 15,000?

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Melinda Lee: And you don't have to work till January, because we're all going on holiday, so I'm just gonna send you, the money right now.

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Riley: I was like…

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Melinda Lee: think about it. And then laughed. She goes, I knew you'd be happy. So I just, like, for me, that was not just being lazy, but I think it was, like, the importance of adding space, like you mentioned, the, the, you know, to, to, to be still, to heal, to grow.

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Riley: And then, sometimes you have an inflection, sometimes you have more momentum afterwards. Yes.

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Melinda Lee: sign that you do.

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Riley: Yes, and you show up better for yourself, and you show up better for your organization. It's just… it's a win-win all around. That was something, too, Melinda, I learned recently, was to slow down.

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Melinda Lee: Yeah.

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Riley: slow down, to have intentional mornings, because if you start your day… I was… I'm so guilty of this. Start your day right off the bat, going, going, going, gotta hurry, gotta rush, you know, rush through the shower, rush through getting ready, all this stuff, and now you know you're in that mindset the rest of the day. And what kind of stress does that put on you?

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Riley: It's a lot of stress, so, like, be intentional, take it…

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Riley: purposefully, maybe waking up a little bit earlier to be able to drink my coffee and read a book, or journal, or whatever it is that can get your mind right for the day. It's so important. It's so healing, being intentional about your time and not just rushing through it, because it does have an impact on you physically and mentally, and then that's how… that impacts how you show up for others.

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Riley: Including your organization.

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Melinda Lee: Yeah, yeah, I agree. And what about the people that have done the work, they go to therapy, or they're… and they're still unhappy? Like, there's something that is nagging inside of them.

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Riley: Yes, that was me. That was me. I've been there, and I see it often, and it… what it really boils down to is they are not in alignment with their assignment.

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Riley: they are not following their purpose. And, you know, that's part of what I do now, is help people, you know, find their purpose through their personal power. And that's why I think it's so important to have those

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Riley: assessments, like personality assessments, basically, DISC assessment, Myers-Brigg, similar, there's, there's one that I have that I love called the Purpose Factor Assessment.

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Riley: But, it just really…

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Riley: dives deep into what makes you tick as a person, and then outlines, okay, here's how you communicate, here's how you don't communicate, here are your strengths, here are your weaknesses. And oftentimes, people just go into a job because it pays well, or it's a secure, you know, they have healthcare and a secure paycheck through it, not really thinking about, what is it that I really want to do?

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Riley: Like, a lot of people, you see, they go to school for a certain thing, and they end up hating the thing, but now they've spent so much money and so much time on this thing.

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Riley: that they feel obligated to continue pursuing this path that doesn't align with who they are. And so that happened to me in the military, you know, maybe it aligned for a little while, and I grew into

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Riley: who I am truly meant to be, and that is, of course, to help others, in a, you know, a certain way, which is what I'm doing now. But, yeah, a lot of people, you see it, they just… they stay there because they've been there, and this applies to all aspects of life, not just a job, like, relationships as well. They stay there because

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Riley: They've invested so much time, or so much money, resources, things like that, but ultimately what it boils down to, the unhappiness, the unfulfillment, is not recognizing what makes you as an individual tick.

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Riley: And how you can apply that to be fulfilled in your life.

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Riley: So, so important.

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Melinda Lee: How did you actually know? Like, how did you actually… was there a sense of… what were the red flags for you?

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Riley: Yeah, so I think…

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Riley: I guess back to your question, like, somebody who's gone through the… they've done the work, they've done the healing. One, I quickly realized after I left the military, I'm like, oh, I'm healed, I'm good. I stepped away from… from therapy, and I said, I don't need this anymore, I'm healed, you know? But, like I said, it's like, it's a routine thing, it's a lifestyle, you gotta keep it up, so I… I quickly realized I need to get back to that, so getting back to that.

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Riley: And then

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Riley: went to one organization and in corporate world, and I'm like, okay, I can do this. Was fulfilling for a little while until it wasn't anymore, and so I left that organization, for a new opportunity that seemed perfect.

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Melinda Lee: Huh.

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Riley: on paper. I mean, everything's just wonderful on paper, great opportunity, for the corporate world, and

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Riley: I'm working it, I'm giving it my all, and I'm like, why am I doing this? You know, rushing through the morning, stressing, like, putting my all into this job, this role, that just… it wasn't aligning with who I am. There's… there were two…

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Melinda Lee: It was like something was saying it's not aligning. You had a voice?

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Riley: I was… I was physically ill, like…

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Melinda Lee: Okay, that was, okay, that was it. Okay, you're physically ill, that's a good sign.

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Riley: like, I'm doing all the things, like, I moved, I changed my environment, I got rid of, you know, negative relationships.

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Riley: It didn't align with this new chapter of my life, and this.

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Melinda Lee: Got it.

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Riley: that I've experienced, and, like, I have this great job, and…

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Riley: something's still not right. I'm still so unfulfilled, and so how empowering it was when I said, you know, I'm not doing this anymore. I've always wanted to just start my own thing and help people in, you know, whatever that looks like for… now it's coaching, and of course speaking and being a voice on the digital platforms, but,

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Riley: just realizing I've always wanted to help people in that way, and so I'm gonna go full tilt and see what happens. What's the worst that could happen? I fail, I'll probably learn a ton on the way, so…

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Melinda Lee: I don't believe that when you're on purpose, that you will fail. Yes, you will fail in terms of for extension, to grow, to… but ultimately, you will feel more fulfilled, even when you're failing. 100%.

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Riley: 100%. 100%.

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Melinda Lee: And you'll see that every single time you fail, it's gonna be an expansion, a next level, and so kudos to you, and congratulations for finally living your purpose. It does take…

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Melinda Lee: a huge, yeah, amount of strength and, faith and, stepping forward, but I think, ultimately, I think more people need to live, on purpose and in their passion, and have more meaning in life. And that includes also founders, too.

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Riley: when they're…

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Melinda Lee: their business. I think they think about, you know, what's the next thing that can make money, and…

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Melinda Lee: And then at the end of the day, they realize, like, what is this all for, right? If there's no intention about, like, how am I being fulfilled with it? So hopefully, they'll listen to themselves, too, about, you know, setting more intention of whether their business and the company that they're leading has that meaning and purpose.

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Riley: 100%. I… I totally agree. Yeah, and… and that was something, like, I… and again, it took me years to realize as a leader.

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Riley: my people would do better if, one, I empowered them, but two, knew how to empower them, so… and that's why, back then, I did the DISC assessment, just a simple, free, easy one, but it was so telling, because I would see some of my subordinates, like, oh, so-and-so does this, and I don't like how they do this, and blah blah blah, and it's like, okay.

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Riley: Well, let's figure out why we're acting this way. Let's figure out how so-and-so actually receives communication and communicates, because it's probably not personal.

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Melinda Lee: transplant.

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Riley: Probably nothing personal, it's just who they are and how they operate, and let's figure out how we can operate together, knowing each other's strengths and weaknesses.

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Melinda Lee: Yes, yes.

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Melinda Lee: Yes.

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Melinda Lee: Yeah, learning to seek to understand.

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Melinda Lee: And to be understood.

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Riley: 100%, yes.

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Melinda Lee: Hmm, Riley, thank you so much. That was such a fun conversation, and I want to ask one more question. So, what is a golden takeaway that you want leaders to remember?

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Riley: Golden takeaway, I guess I could have, 3.

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Riley: Three… three major takeaways. If you are in an impactful position, especially as a leader, one, be human.

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Riley: To communicate, or every organization I've been in, communication has been the biggest downfall. So having that early and often communication, and as transparent as you can be,

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Riley: without negatively affecting the success, you know, of the organization and yourself and the integrity of you and your people and things like that, but being as transparent as you possibly can early and often. And then also knowing

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Riley: how your team operates, what makes them tick, placing them into positions where they will be empowered to do what it is that they're actually very good at and excited to be good at. And rearranging as often as needed, within reason.

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Riley: the structure of the organization, maybe people in certain positions, because, you know, that's something we have the ability to do as leaders, is say, hey, so-and-so, I know we just put you in this position, but what do you think about this? Maybe give this a shot for a little bit, and having that flexibility, as well, and just being overall a vulnerable, human, empathetic leader, and

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Riley: trying to figure out, okay, how can I serve my organization? Because when your organization knows that you have their back and their best interest at heart, they're going to perform much better.

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Melinda Lee: Love it. Thank you so much. Those are great takeaways, and how can a leader, get a hold of you if they would like some support?

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Riley: Yes, thank you, Melinda. So, I'm on LinkedIn. If you just search my name, Riley Grupo, I'll pop up. Same with Instagram, I'm on Instagram.

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Riley: Same… you can search my name, Riley Grupo, it'll pop up. So, those are two avenues. My messages are always open. I have, you know, a link to book a call if you'd like to do that as well. And, yeah, I'm always here for support.

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Melinda Lee: Love it. Riley, you're amazing. Reach out to her, move away from survival, and move into strength and impact.

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Melinda Lee: And so, thank you so much, audience, also for being here. I trust that you got your takeaway. And remember, anytime you have a chance to communicate, you are also connecting and making a positive difference in the world. Much love. Thank you so much. Take care. Thanks, Riley!

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Riley: Thank you, thank you.