Why Fixing Your LGBTQ Child’s Struggles Can Backfire

In this episode, you're going to finally understand why your instinct to fix, to manage, to solve, to smooth it over might be the very thing making your child shut down.

And you'll learn what to do instead.

Welcome to More Human, More Kind.

I'm Heather Hester, author, speaker, and advocate for LGBTQ youth and the families who love them.

This show is for the parent who's holding it together on the outside, while inside, your nervous system is bracing for impact.

Here, we tell the truth.

Gently.

We unlearn what fear has taught us, and we build the kind of internal safety that lets you lead with love instead of panic.

You're not broken.

You're human.

Let's dive in.

You're listening to this and you feel like you are trying so hard.

You're reading the books, watching the videos, following all of the accounts.

You're replaying conversations in your head like a film editor at 2am and still your child feels so far away.

First, just take a breath with me.

Because this is one of the most common patterns I see in loving parents, especially the capable ones.

If you are a problem solver by nature.

Hi, welcome.

You are in good company.

Fixing is how you show love.

Fixing is how you've handled scraped knees and friend drama and school crises and heartbreak.

So when your child comes out or starts sharing their pain, your instinct is, okay, here's what we're going to do.

They say, I'm scared.

And you say, you don't need to be scared.

You're amazing.

They say, I think I might be trans.

And you say, okay, let's wait and see.

Maybe we'll talk to someone.

They say, the kids at school are being so mean.

You say, we're emailing, we're calling, we're changing the plan.

And listen, I know that your intentions are loving.

I have been right there with you.

But what your child experiences when you say those things is you're not hearing me.

You don't see me.

You just want this to go away.

And that is the fixing trap.

So by the end of today's episode, you will understand why fixing backfires even when your intentions are pure love.

You'll learn the difference between support and control and how fear disguises itself as help.

And you'll leave with simple phrases you can use that build connection fast and stay to the end.

For the brand new butterfly effect.

I'll give you one truth, one question swap and language you can use the moment your fixer instinct kicks in.

So here's how it tends to go.

Your child shares something really vulnerable with you.

And your brain immediately starts sprinting.

You're already three steps ahead.

What do we do?

Who do we call?

How do we protect them?

What's the plan?

You try to soothe by solving.

But what your child needed first was to be met emotionally.

So instead of hearing, I've got you, they hear, how do we make this go away?

Instead of feeling, I can tell you the truth, they feel, ah, this is going to become a whole thing.

So then you do more, you read more, talk more, offer more, lecture more, strategize more.

And you keep getting the same outcome.

Shutdown, eye rolls, distance, slammed doors, silence.

And there's this moment where your wise internal self knows this is not actually a leaky faucet and this is not mine to repair.

But your fear of failing, your fear of losing them, your fear of doing nothing, pushes you right back into fixing mode.

And every time you fix, they pull further away.

From your perspective, you feel like you're getting more involved.

From their perspective, you're getting more intrusive.

Even helpful solutions can land as rejection.

Like, maybe don't dress that way at Grandma's.

Maybe don't post your pronouns yet.

Maybe keep it quiet until we know more.

To you, it's safety.

To them, it sounds like you are a problem I need to manage.

And then the trust cracks.

They share less, they hide more, they go to friends or the Internet or no one.

And you feel the gap widening, even though you're trying harder than ever.

That is the heartbreak of the fixing trap.

But here is what I want you to understand.

You don't fix because you're controlling.

You fix because you're scared.

And fear disguises itself as help.

The limiting belief is, I'm the parent.

It's my job to fix their problems.

That belief is baked into so many of us.

Fixing has likely been your parenting love, language.

But your child identity or orientation is not a problem to solve.

It's reality to accept and affirm.

And the parents whose kids thrive aren't the ones who fixed everything.

They're the ones who validated everything.

Not because they always knew what to do, but because they stayed close.

They didn't make their child perform for love.

They made love feel safe.

So let's make this really, really simple.

Here is what fixing sounds like.

Here's what we're going to do.

Let's make this better.

Let's solve this.

Let's talk to someone.

Here are your options.

Here's the plan.

And again, none of this is inherently bad.

It's just love impeded by control.

Validating, however, sounds like.

I hear you.

That makes sense.

Thank you for trusting me.

I believe you.

I'm here.

You're not alone.

Fixing tries to reduce anxiety fast.

Validation builds safety over time.

And ironically, validation is what makes your child come back to you.

So what do you do when you feel the fixer instinct rising up inside of you?

Well, first regulate yourself.

If your nervous system is activated, you will talk fast, you will problem solve loudly.

You will reach for control.

And that kind of energy is not soothing.

Urgency, control.

Both of those equal a ton of pressure.

So I want you to just pause and take a breath, drop your shoulders, unclench your jaw, then do one simple move.

I hear you.

That makes sense.

I'm here.

Reflect.

I hear you.

Validate.

That makes sense.

Stay.

I'm here.

And if you want a sentence that can change the whole tone of a conversation, try.

I don't know what to do yet, but know that I've got your back.

No matter what that sentence tells your child, you don't have to be fixed to be loved.

You get to be real here.

This one took me a lot of time because I am definitely a fixer too.

I still remember the moment that I came face to face with my need to solve and fix.

Realizing that while I thought my motivator was that I hated to see them struggling or in pain, the deeper seated reason was that I couldn't tolerate feeling helpless.

Owning that really uncomfortable feeling was really hard for me, but it also opened space for other options like validating.

And I realized then how much pressure I had always put on myself to have the answer, find the answer, make the call, send the email, whatever it was that needed to be done.

Learning that I could let that go, that my kids really just needed me to see them and hear them, acknowledge and validate them and support them in finding their way.

It was one of the best lessons on this beautifully messy journey that we've been on.

So look, if you realize that you have been trying to fix instead of validate, if you are doing the wrong things over and over because you don't know what else to do and you're watching your relationships suffer despite your best efforts.

But what you really want is to understand the coming out process or what your child is thinking, feeling and experiencing.

To communicate in a way that helps your child open up and to have tools that bring you together instead of pushing you apart.

That is exactly why I created my validation framework in inside my private coaching program.

In this framework, I teach you what to say, how to listen and how to regulate your own nervous system so you can show up as a safe place, not a fixer.

If today's episode feels like it's reading your mail a little bit, that is your invitation.

Head to the Show Notes to grab a time on my calendar to discover how this could look for you.

Or go to heatherhester.net and explore coaching.

Let's help you step out of the fixing trap and into a relationship where your child actually wants to come to you.

Before we wrap, it's time for the brand new Butterfly Effect.

Here's what I know when you are exhausted, overwhelmed or scared for your kid, big, sweeping change can feel impossible.

So we don't aim for perfect.

We aim for one small, brave shift.

That's what the butterfly effect is.

A tiny action, a grounding word, a micro rebellion against fear.

Or one line you can borrow when you don't know what to say.

Not because small things are cute, but because small things are powerful.

One moment of clarity, one moment of softness.

One moment where you choose love over panic.

That's how you come back to yourself.

That's how you become more human, more kind.

One small shift at a time.

Today's Butterfly Effect is a micro rebellion.

I will not treat my anxiety like prophecy.

Just because my brain can imagine the worst doesn't mean the worst is coming.

Fear is loud, especially when it's trying to keep me, me or you in control.

So this week, when panic starts narrating the future, try this.

This is fear talking, not truth.

This is fear talking, not truth.

That's the rebellion.

That's the work.

If this episode hit you in the chest a little bit, I just want to say you are not alone.

Your impulse to fix is not proof that you are doing it wrong.

It's proof that you care.

And you can care and still slow down.

You can protect and still stay connected.

Subscribe so you never miss an episode and share with another to help them feel a little less alone.

I'll see you next Tuesday.

And until then, take a breath and keep choosing love.