What Kind of Parent Thinks That? The Truth About Shame, Fear & Loving Your LGBTQ Child

In this episode, you're going to finally understand why you can love your child deeply, fiercely, and still have thoughts that terrify you.

Welcome to More Human, More Kind.

I'm Heather Hester, author, speaker, and advocate for LGBTQ youth and the families who love them.

This show is for the parent who's holding it together on the outside, while inside, your nervous system is bracing for impact.

Here we tell the truth gently.

We unlearn what fear has taught us, and we build the kind of internal safety that lets you lead with love instead of panic.

You're not broken.

You're human.

Let's dive in.

If you're listening to this while you're driving or standing in your kitchen trying to keep it together, or lying in bed at night with your mind spinning, I just want to invite you to take one slow breath.

For many parents, the hardest part of this journey isn't the logistics.

It's the moments.

Your child shares something true about who they are and wakes an internal storm inside you that you didn't even know was still there.

This episode is for that storm.

It's for the thoughts that you would never say out loud.

The thoughts that make you wonder if you're a terrible parent.

And I want you to know right up front, you're not.

You're not a monster.

You are not broken.

You are a human being in the middle of a nervous system moment.

And today, we're going to bring that shame into the light, ever so gently, so it can finally loosen its grip.

So let's name something most people never say out loud.

You can love your child deeply and still have thoughts that scare you.

Thoughts like, I wish this weren't true.

What did I do wrong?

I don't know if I can handle having a gay or bi or trans child.

I am so angry at them for making life harder.

I am afraid they're ruining their life.

What if this makes their life unsafe?

What if I mess this up and I lose them?

And maybe the second that thought shows up, your brain hits you with this immediate punch.

What kind of parent thinks that?

And then you don't just feel the fear.

You feel shame about the fear.

You start monitoring your own thoughts.

You start policing your own reactions.

You start trying to be good as fast as possible.

You say the supportive thing, you show up.

You smile.

But inside, you feel like you're carrying a secret you can't confess.

And, boy, it is shame, love, secrecy.

It grows in isolation and convinces you that you are the only one who would ever think such thoughts.

So today's episode is going to help you understand why your brain creates dark thoughts when your child comes out or shares their identity.

Especially if you were raised with fear, rigidity or inherited beliefs, you'll begin to feel relief from the shame of what kind of parent thinks that?

Because we're separating thoughts from truth.

And you'll leave with a way to process the shame safely so it doesn't leak into your relationship with your child.

And stick around for the end of the episode where today's unlearn will give you one powerful truth, one question shift and exact language you can use when shame tries to take you out at the knees.

So let's talk about that cruel monster shame for a moment.

Shame is brutal because it doesn't just hurt, it isolates.

It convinces you that you are the only parent who has ever had these thoughts.

That everyone else is just breezily waving their rainbow flags and saying, love is love and you're the one sitting on the bathroom floor having a private breakdown.

And here's the specific kind of fear shame creates.

What if the person I tell judges me?

What if my therapist hears the truth and thinks I'm hateful?

What if my friend hears the truth and never looks at me the same way again?

What if my partner hears the truth and it creates an irreparable chasm between us?

So what do you do instead?

You curate.

You package it.

You speak an acceptable language.

You say, I'm just worried about safety.

I'm just adjusting.

I'm trying to understand.

But you don't say, I feel resentful, I feel angry, I feel terrified, I feel grief.

And I don't want to admit any of it.

Why?

Because you're afraid if you say the real thing, you'll be labeled a bad parent.

And when you try to talk to friends who haven't been here, even kind people can say things that land like a punch.

Things like, well, at least they're alive.

Or kids these days are so dramatic.

Or are you sure it's not attention seeking?

Or maybe it's just a phase and you walk away thinking, okay, I'm definitely alone in this.

And here's what happens when the shame doesn't get spoken aloud.

It doesn't fade, it festers.

It turns into self loathing or numbness or resentment or this low grade internal shutdown.

And you may notice it showing up with your child in the tiniest ways.

Perhaps you go quiet when they talk about their identity.

Or you change the subject.

You try to lighten it.

Or you get busy and leave the room.

Not because you don't care.

But because your nervous system is overloaded and your child can feel that.

Kids are extraordinarily sensitive to the emotional temperature of a room.

They feel the flinch.

They feel the micropause.

They feel the tension behind your I love you.

And even if you never say the actual words, I'm uncomfortable, their brain still interprets it as, something is wrong with me.

And then they share less.

They begin to protect you.

They go to friends or the Internet instead.

And then you feel even more shame because you're like, I'm trying.

Why am I failing?

Why won't they talk to me?

Why do I feel so awful and drained all the time?

But here's the turning point, the reveal, what I really, really want you to hear.

Having a thought is not the same as acting on it.

Having a thought is not the same as believing it.

Having a thought is not the same as being unsafe.

So many of these thoughts are fear language.

They are your nervous system trying to reduce uncertainty.

They're inherited beliefs trying to regain control.

They're that old programming lighting up when something unfamiliar happens in your world.

The shame story says, if I think it, I am it.

But the truth is, if you think it, you're noticing it.

And noticing is where change begins.

And I want you to hear this next part as the deepest kindness.

Every parent in this situation has had versions of these thoughts, myself included.

You're not uniquely broken.

You are not uniquely failing.

You are human.

Inside a culture that has fed parents fear about LGBTQ identities for generations, the parents who transform aren't the ones who never had dark thoughts.

They're the ones who are brave enough to bring those thoughts into a safe space and say, help me.

Help me work with this.

Help me work through this.

What stays buried becomes behavior.

But what gets held safely becomes heard and processed becomes healing.

So let me give you a simple framework that shows the stranglehold of shame.

Kind of map, if you will.

Shame feels completely chaotic until you can see the actual steps or the loop that it creates.

First, there is the trigger.

Your child shares identity orientation, asks for support, comes out.

Second is the fear thought, this will ruin their life, or, I can't handle this.

Third is the self attack.

What kind of parent thinks that?

Fourth is the silence.

You hide it.

You don't get help.

Fifth is disconnection.

Your child feels the tension, the flinch, the hesitation, and they then begin to move away.

And six, more shame.

I'm failing them.

Which creates more fear thoughts.

And there's the loop.

Shame.

Like I said earlier, thrives in secrecy, but it collapses in safety and in truth.

So what do you do instead?

First, you stop treating your thoughts like proof.

Thoughts are not verdicts.

They are simply saying signals.

They are data about what you have been taught, what you've carried, what you're afraid of losing.

Second, you give your nervous system safety and calm.

Shame is not dissolved by willpower, it's softened and released by regulation and support.

That might look like having one person you can tell the truth to without being punished.

Learning language that helps you name what's happening internally.

Practicing nervous system regulation so you can stay present with your child, letting your fear be witnessed so it doesn't come out sideways as distance control or silence.

And yes, sometimes it looks like professional support.

A coach, a therapist, a community.

This is not meant to be carried alone and you don't have to earn support by being perfectly unafraid.

You deserve support because you are human There was a moment for me early on when I realized I was carrying more fear than I cared to admit.

One fear piled on top of the next, which then looped into a multi layered shame spiral.

I got to the point where I would burst into tears at the most inopportune moments and a meeting with my boss in front of the middle school principal.

The shame and the fear were literally leaking out of me and feeding on one another to make me feel so isolated, so small and so completely alone.

And then I finally got the courage to say the smallest piece of it out loud in a safe space.

And it got smaller and smaller as I practiced that over time until it was finally gone.

So listen, if this resonates with you, if you feel like you are drowning in shame about your real feelings, if you're terrified to admit your dark and scary thoughts out loud and you feel alone because no one else would understand how you really feel, right?

But what you really want is relief from carrying all of this alone.

Someone who won't judge you for being human and tools to process these feelings so they stop controlling you.

That is exactly why my private coaching exists.

In our sessions, there is literally nothing you can say that will make me turn away from you.

We put everything on the table.

The fear, the anger, the grief, the conditioning.

And we move through it together, one piece at a time.

If you are tired of carrying all of this alone, click on the link at the top of the show notes or visit morehumanmorekind.com discovery and book a Clarity call with me.

This is the space where your shame gets to soften and your capacity to love your child and yourself gets to expand.

Today's unlearn is the myth that if you have a dark thought, it means you're a bad parent.

But here's what's true.

Thoughts are not verdicts, right?

Just learned that they are signals.

And here's how you can check this out within yourself.

You can ask yourself, am I afraid of my child's identity or am I afraid of what this awakens in me?

Because those are not the same thing.

Instead of what kind of parent thinks this, try asking yourself, what part of me learned to fear this?

And what does that part need in order to soften or let go of that fear?

And here is language that you can use.

Take this with you.

I am having a fear thought.

That doesn't make it true.

I love my child and I'm learning how to love them out loud in the most authentic ways.

You do not have to be perfect.

You just have to be honest enough to keep getting up after you fall and keep trying.

And remember most of all that you are not alone.

If this episode named something you've been carrying in silence, I just want to tell you I'm so glad that you are here.

There is nothing wrong with you for being afraid.

There is nothing wrong with you for being human.

There is a path forward from here and you do not have to walk it alone.

Until next time, take a breath and keep choosing love.

Sa.