Strength in Softness: Supporting Your LGBTQ Child With Love During the Holidays

In today's episode, you'll learn why softness isn't something you earn, it's something you return to.

Let's talk about how welcome to More Human, More Kind, the podcast helping parents of LGBTQ kids move from fear to fierce allyship and feel less alone and more informed so you can protect what matters, raise brave kids, and spark collective change.

I'm Heather Huff.

Esther let's get started.

The world teaches us to harden, especially in seasons of stress, conflict and holiday overwhelm.

But what if softness is the real strength?

Today we'll explore how to stay soft, open hearted, grounded, fully human, even when life feels sharp around the edges.

In this episode, you'll learn why emotional softness is a form of strength, not weakness, especially during stressful seasons.

You'll understand how hardening harms connection and how softness helps you parent, partner and advocate more effectively.

And you'll discover simple practices to stay soft and open hearted in the face of conflict, busyness, and holiday expectations.

And stick around until the end for the unlearn, where we will dismantle the myth that softness makes you a doormat.

Welcome to More Human, More Kind.

I'm Heather Hester.

This is a space where we practice returning to ourselves slowly, gently, honestly.

A space where softness isn't something to hide, but something to honor.

Today we're talking about what it means to stay soft in a season that often feels hard.

Not soft as in fragile or passive, soft as in connected, open hearted, soft as in rooted, soft as in human.

Today we'll explore why the body wants to harden, how that armor quietly distances us from the people we love, and a few simple ways to stay open hearted even when you are stretched thin.

Softness is not fragility.

Softness is presence.

It's staying connected to yourself and to others, even when things feel tense, loud or overwhelming.

Softness looks like unclenching your jaw when you want to snap, choosing curiosity instead of defensiveness, pausing before reacting, letting love stay louder than fear, and taking a breath before you say the thing you'll regret.

Being soft doesn't mean being passive.

Being soft means staying in relationship with yourself.

It means refusing to armor up at the expense of your humanity.

And in a season where everyone is rushing, bracing and carrying more than they'll ever admit, softness becomes a gift.

Holiday seasons and the end of the year months put our nervous systems under pressure.

There's more social interactions, more expectations, more emotional landmines, more family dynamics, more sensory overwhelm, just more when we feel overwhelmed, the body goes into protective or survival mode that fight, flight or freeze we feel irritable, defensive.

We clench either our jaw, our fists, our whole body.

We shut down.

We micromanage.

We turn into people pleasers.

We withdraw.

Research from Dr. Stephen Porges shows that softening cues like gentle tone, slower breath, soft facial expressions activate our ventral vagal system, which restores connection, empathy and safety.

In other words, softness is nervous system regulation.

Softness is co regulation for our kids.

Softness is how LGBTQ youth learn in their bones, I am safe here.

And softness expands our capacity to show up with humanity.

Wherever you are right now, unclench your jaw.

Drop your shoulders.

Soften your belly.

Exhale.

See how your body changes when you soften?

That's what connection feels like.

That's the version of you your child needs most.

So here are some grounded, doable practices to weave softness into your daily life this holiday season, especially when you are stressed or stretched thin.

1.

Adopt a slower first response.

Before you respond, pause long enough to sense your body.

Ask yourself, am I speaking from tension or truth?

Am I reacting or responding?

This two second pause disrupts the switch into fight, flight or freeze.

2.

Tend to micro tensions.

Defaulting to survival or protection mode.

Starts small, but you can't soften a moment you don't feel.

So you need to begin practicing noticing.

Are your shoulders up up into your ears?

Is your jaw tight?

Is your breath shallow?

Are you bracing for something?

Then name it.

For instance, I'm bracing.

Soften one thing.

Maybe it's your shoulders.

Maybe it is taking longer, deeper breaths.

Maybe it's really thinking about all the muscles in your face and relaxing them.

Your brain will follow your body's lead.

3.

Use soft eyes with your kids.

Soft eyes are the fastest way to communicate safety.

Especially with LGBTQ youth who are used to scanning for danger.

Soft eyes say to them, you don't have to perform here.

You can be you.

This one shift can transform a tense relationship, tense conversation, just tension.

4.

Ask yourself one softening question.

When you feel triggered, ask what is the most loving thing I can do this moment?

Not the easiest, not the fastest, not the most correct, the most loving.

And let that be your compass.

5.

Give yourself permission to step away.

Softness is not self sacrifice.

Softness honors your limits.

If you feel yourself tightening or tensing, say I need a moment.

I'll be right back.

Then take that moment to regulate with three deep breaths, a little cold water on your face or the back of your neck, just standing in a quiet hallway, maybe some gentle stretching or a grounding touch.

And then you can return to that situation Softer.

That is self leadership.

Number six.

Practice softer boundaries, soft boundaries.

Sound like that's not a topic I'm discussing today?

Please talk about my child with respect, let's change the subject.

This is important to me.

I need you to handle it thoughtfully.

Soft equals clear plus grounded plus kind of.

You can protect without hardening.

Number seven End the day with a soft review before bed.

Ask yourself, where was I soft today?

Where did I harden and what did I need in that moment?

This builds awareness and compassion for yourself and others.

We'll get to the rest of the episode in a moment, but if you like the show, please make sure to subscribe.

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All of my kids are home as I'm writing this episode, which I absolutely love.

I soak in every moment with them and have endless gratitude for our relationships and we are all human at 18, 20, 22 and 25.

They are all at beautiful developmental stages of young adulthood, figuring out how to be an adult, beginning careers in college and out in the real world.

And for my youngest, living his best life as a senior in high school.

I work from home and right now I run what is essentially a bed and breakfast on top of that.

And while it is absolutely so lovely, my typical routine is absolutely smashed until the beginning of the year.

So a few days ago, at the end of a particularly long day of meetings and writing and then cooking and laundry, I just reached my limit.

Two of them were squabbling endlessly back and forth about, of course, the most ridiculous thing, the dog was barking, a glass was dropped and broken by the person cleaning the kitchen.

And after a day of literally zero peace and forgetting my quick self care tips, I had had it.

My jaw was tight, my stomach was in knots, my patients were just long gone.

I jokingly told my husband in that moment that I was going to lock myself in the bathroom until January.

And then I sat down in my office, turned my back on the door, closed my eyes and took several, at least several deep, deep breaths.

The chaos was still buzzing nearby as I chose to just sit there, to continue to sit there and breathe.

And that pause allowed me to soften enough that I did not lose, allowed me to kind of come back to myself, to be present.

And then to be human with them.

That moment taught me that softness is something you choose.

Put your hand over your heart right now and take a slow breath with me and say to yourself, I am allowed to soften.

And then choose one tiny soft act for today.

It might be to speak 10% slower.

Maybe it is to let your shoulders drop or choose curiosity instead of certainty or defensiveness.

It could be to greet your child with soft eyes.

And it could be to unclench before you respond, these tiny softenings ripple outward.

Today's Unlearn challenges the idea that softness equals weakness.

Softness means you're a doormat.

We've been told that if you stay soft, people will walk all over you.

But hardness isn't strength, it's a shield.

What if true strength is staying open hearted even when the world tries to close you?

What if softness is your superpower, the thing that lets you stay connected while still protecting what matters?

This week, soften one habitual tension.

Perhaps it's your tone, your posture, your expectations, your pace.

Notice how it shifts the energy all around you.

When we unlearn the myth of hardness, we return to our truest selves.

The human, the kind, the courageous.

Thank you so much for spending this gentle moment with me.

As you move through this holiday season, practice softness with yourself first, then with the people that you love.

Small softenings change families.

Softness creates safety.

Softness is how we stay human.

New episodes of More Human, More Kind drop every Tuesday and Friday, so be sure to follow and subscribe so you never missed one.

And if you are ready to release fear, shame, or the old patterns that keep you from showing up as your fullest self, I'm accepting a few private clients right now.

You can learn more at More Human, More Kind.

Until next time, honor your softness and remember that you are not alone.