Talking To Heavy Drinkers

Hello and welcome to the show. I am your host, Joseph Devlin, and today we're going to be digging into the big question of, how can you support someone you love who is drinking too much? So let's get at it. All right. Let's be honest. Loving a heavy drinker can feel like living on a roller coaster. One day, they're apologizing, saying they'll stop. The next day, they're drinking again. They might be hiding it, maybe not. You might feel really angry one day, sad, afraid, numb. You might blame yourself or even try to control them or avoid the topic altogether. Here's what I want you to hear right away. You

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didn't call the cause this, and

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you can't cure it,

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but you can make a powerful impact

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through how you show up.

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So let's take a look at some of the things that you can do. I'm going to start kind of backwards and look at some of the things I suggest you kind of stay away from. And

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you know, these are

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common reactions people have over the years of me doing this, these seem to be some of the common themes I see happen,

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and the first one is,

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avoid trying to shame them.

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If you've ever said something like, Hey, you're ruining everything, or, Why can't you just stop they may, you know, be honest, and it may feel like you're being honest, but it's actually fueling a lot of shame that that individuals already feeling or is about to feel the next morning, and that's really going to fuel the Addiction

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after, you know, speaking

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with many, many heavy drinkers,

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they're nine times out of 10 really using the drinking as an outlet. So shame is just going to provide, like, a bigger well, where they're going to need a bigger outlet. So as much as possible, if you can avoid that, that's going to help out tremendously.

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The other one is avoid enabling them.

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They're your loved one. You want the best for them, so you might tend to cover up for them, make excuses for them, maybe you're bailing them out. They could be consequences for financial they could be legal. They could be, you know, relationship wise, and it feels really like the loving thing to do, but actually it keeps them from seeing the impact of their choices last, avoid isolating yourself.

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It's so easy to hide the family struggles.

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However, that secrecy really breeds powerlessness. Every family I've worked with, we all need the support, and when we feel like we have to walk this road alone, we really lose that power and that road map to be able to help our loved one. You

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all right now let's take a look at some things that I know that do help. And again, there's many, many things that will help. I'm just gonna really take a look at three of them. And the first one is when you're communicating with them, if you can lead with compassion, saying things like, Hey, I love you. I'm here. I'm worried that statement right alone carries a lot of weight

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when they're drinking, when they're not drinking,

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and by you being honest, that's not a weakness, it's really a strength. And this compassion for them to know that

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how you feel

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opens a lot

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of doors for them, that the attempt of maybe control never will. So I think about that old saying, right? People don't care what you know till they know how much you care. And sometimes you feel like you're knocking on a door that will not open. For example, if your loved one you know you're trying to become. Passionate with them. And, you know, tell them how much you love them, and hey, how you appreciate how well they're doing at school, or how well they're doing on the soccer team. Or, you know, hey, we really appreciate, you know, you playing a game with us tonight. And those the words come back to him, Oh, you're just saying that because you're my mom, or you're just saying that because you have to, because we're family. And, you know, they may be lashing out at you, but you can continue to, you know, say things to them, like, hey, you know, I love you. I'm always going to be here for you, but I'm really worried, you know, be like, Oh, well, you have to do that because you're again, my family member just, just keep saying these things to him. If I can encourage you enough, because you're so close to having them really open that door and let you in and let themselves out. And it just reminds me of a story. I'm just gonna switch up some of the names here, but we're just going to say I was working with a family. And dad's name was Mike, and the son was Anthony. And Mike had been to rehab before. He had been drinking heavily for years, on and off, tried different things, and, you know, he had a period of, you know, not drinking, then he kind of slipped back again. He had a night where he just, you can call it a relapse, but in college, just having an episode. But it was a problem. Everybody knew it, you know, he drank too much. It was, he ended up passing out on the couch, and, you know, he said some stupid things, you know, the family during the night and stumbling around as he was, you know, walking and you know, the next morning, you know, his, his son, Anthony, he was about 16, 1516, years old, and he, you know, he was messed up by this, and he was just like, you know, I love my dad. And he wrote him this note and said something like this, Dad, I miss you. I don't know how to talk to you when you're drinking, but I want to

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I still need you,

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even when you mess up. I love you. That note was so powerful Mike later on, and shared with later on, shared with me the fact that, hey, man, he got this note. He felt the love of it. Mike knew the disappointment that he was already putting out there. He was disappointed in himself for drinking, but knowing that somebody was there, loved him, cared for him, really helped him as he made the shift to make some of the changes that he wanted to, and it all benefited the family too, as well. Second one is going to come to setting healthy boundaries. And you know, you can say things like this, like, I will not lie for you. I won't be around when you're drinking. I'm open to like this relationship, but not underneath these conditions.

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Any of those phrases will work really,

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really well. And

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I think when we are honest and genuine with these statements, I will also encourage you when you're saying them as the best you can take the anger out of it. So if you're in the heat of the moment, sometimes these words won't come across the way you want them to. So you may either need to take a break, take a deep breath in, take a deep breath out, or maybe you need to wait till the next morning before you can say these but, but work with them, and because they are putting up boundaries. And I wanted to share a story with you. There was a mother I was working with. You know, her daughter was drinking a lot, and when she drank a lot, she'd call her mom, and her mom felt like that she needed to stay on the phone with her daughter. She you know, it made brought her comfort in doing that and staying on the phone. And you know, she felt that for a multitude of reasons. She felt more comfortable, you know, just that she felt that her daughter was safe. She just felt like maybe she could say something that would change things. However, the pattern was that, right, her daughter was drunk and she didn't necessarily take in everything her mom might have been saying in the moment. So I just worked on something with her. I said, Okay, well, listen next time that, you know, you speak with her, like, what could we really do to you know, kind of bring this home to your daughter to let her know how much you know, how much she's drinking and how much she sounds like and the concern that it brings you. And what we decided was, hey, the next time that she calls like this, she was going to ask her daughter permission. Say, Hey, listen. Can we record this call? Uh, I just want to make everybody safe and and, you know, her daughter agreed to it. Now I want to throw this out here please, before you record people's phone calls and all that kind of stuff, check your state laws. Make sure you're doing everything okay. The state did you were in. I mean, she got the permission, so it was fine. And I really highly encourage you to make sure you're asking people permission on this, because, you know, mom stayed on the phone. They had the conversation the next morning. You know, her mom reached out to her daughter, and, you know, daughter was kind of playing it off like I wasn't that bad. I don't really know what you're talking about, but thanks for talking to me. I really appreciated that I wanted to speak with somebody. And her mom was like, Well, remember, you said that I could record the call so I won't play that with you. And later on, you know, they met up, and you know, she played the call for her daughter. And you know, her daughter was really embarrassed, but could was like, wow, I didn't know I was I didn't know I was that bad. That call helped break something between the two of them now where her daughter really started seeing how much her mom cared and really kind of how her drinking was escalating to a greater point than she was even realizing. And part of that breakthrough helped her daughter get control around that drinking. And last part I want to say is, hey, hold on to hope. Change is possible, right? But I will say is, people do not like change. Many of you who go to church, right? Just think about it, if you sit in a different seat, do you feel uncomfortable and greater yet? You know there's people at your church, right? If somebody ends up sitting in their seat, they get really aggravated. So look, understand that change is a little bit difficult, but listen, hold on to the hope. See your your loved one will know and feel it even in times of setback that like who's on their side, who believes in them

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and who's not.

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And this kind of love is really powerful. You know, the hope that you can even say to him is, hey, listen, you are loved, but this can't go on. That's kind of helping with the boundaries too, but still having hope for them, you know, letting them know, Hey, I'm here when you're ready to make that change. And along with this hope, I am going to also encourage it is, you know, pray, you know, continuing to pray for him. Because I know that there was a lot of people who continue to pray for me and have hope for me, and I am thoroughly convinced that that was a catalyst and helping me be able to make the changes I needed to do for the long term. All right? And so last, I do want to leave this with, you know, the family, it's hard to talk about, like heavy drinkers in the family. And I know that if you're if you've made it this far, and you're listening today, you're living through some pain, right? Whether it's your spouse, a parent, child,

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CO a co worker, close friend,

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and you're like, Man, I just don't see how they keep going through all this cycle of like, this heavy drinking. Want to remind you a couple things. What you're seeing is real. You are not crazy, you're not alone. This is happening to many 1000s of people across this country, and your your pain is valid, like feel it, it's okay,

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and you get permission to go get support.

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You also get permission to, you know, get some rest, to be able to speak up about it, how it's affecting you, and you're able to protect your own peace.

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Feel free to reach out to me, because

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I want you to know that, supporting someone else doesn't mean sacrificing yourself. And in fact, the healthier you are, the more helpful you can be. And if you're a person of faith, I'm going to encourage you to lean on Scripture. There's a psalm 34:18, where it says, you know the Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. I find this to be a verse i i appreciate because I know what it's like when I'm brokenhearted. I know when I'm crushed in spirit. I don't think anything can change. Yeah, but I also know when I look back on my life, the Lord has always been close to me, and that can help me get get to those points when I'm with my loved one, looking to support them and wanting to say something encouraging to them, rather than trying to shame them. So here in closing, I just want to thank you for joining me today. And if this episode spoke to you, please, I invite you to share it with someone who might need it. And please, Like subscribe to it. This will definitely increase the algorithm, so that we can get the message out to more and more people, and until the next episode, remember sobriety is a family affair.