E 261: Navigating the Chaos: Understanding Trauma Bonds and Narcissistic Relationships: Guest Bre Wolta

Well, hello, everybody, and welcome back to another episode of Adult Child of Dysfunction.

Today we have with us a return guest.

So this is super fun.

We have Bre Waltas Eft and the Clearing Work Certified Practitioner.

She's a relationship clarity coach who is passionate about helping women heal from the mindfuck of confusing relationships so that they can become the confident and secure women they want to be.

Bri's own toxic relationship healing journey and her ability to hold safe space allows her to walk alongside clients as they find clarity and trust within themselves.

And she wrote that I didn't.

So if you don't like the F word, that's too bad.

So welcome back, Bri.

Thank you, Tammy.

It's so good to be back with you.

Yes.

And I've been on your podcast, so it seems like this is a third go around, but we had a lot to talk about and I actually went back.

So people that want to hear the first episode that we did, it was back in August of 24, so a little over a year and a half, about a year and a half ago.

And it was episode 89, if you're looking for it.

But we talked about absolutely everything.

So that's.

I wanted to have you back on because we covered so many different topics.

And you actually pointed out to me right before we came on here today that you wanted.

You had some stuff going on in your mind thinking about just the way things are.

I know with your past you had two parents, correct me if I'm wrong, that did suffer from addiction.

I had parents who.

Who were on again, off again, and a family member who suffered with addiction lived in our house.

Yeah.

Okay.

So wrong and right.

Like, no, I got.

Got part of the story.

Right.

That's right.

Your parents.

That's right.

They said that for the better of the child, they were going to live together and they ended up like, splitting and getting back together.

What did you say, five to seven times or something?

Yeah, yeah, several.

Several times.

So there was chaos with the addiction and chaos with the.

With the back and the fourth and the.

Just the instability that came with that.

Okay, perfect.

So when we.

And for the listeners out there, the term ACA used to be literally adult children of alcoholics.

And they have now kind of pre.

Coined that term.

And now it is adult children of alcoholics and dysfunctional families.

And we've mentioned several times on here that it doesn't matter the defunct the dysfunction, whether it's a divorce or six divorces or a drug addiction or homelessness or joblessness, whatever it is.

It has kind of the same lasting effects.

But I want to jump right in and let's talk about those lasting effects and those mindset blocks and those kind of rewiring traits that, that happen to adult children of dysfunctional families and how it makes us attract or enables us to attract the wrong people.

Yes, yes, I'm sure there are many.

But the, the one that I've really been sitting with and thinking about being, being an ACA member myself and having been in a narcissistic relationship, I really have been just like noodling on this.

Of what is the, what is the thing that was established in younger years that helped me attract that type of person and sustain in a relationship where it was not an equal give and take when it started to go from the love bombing stage into things that weren't so pleasant.

And I think a big part of it is that growing up in families of dysfunction or addiction or any type of diet dysfunction, as you just mentioned, we, we as the person who's in that system don't really have a great opportunity to create a sense of self.

So we become other focused.

Meaning I'm trying to figure them out, I'm trying to fix them.

Because if I fix them or fix what's happening in the environment, then I can be safe.

Right.

And from an early year, like early years when we are so other focused, there's not, there's not a safety to turn that attention inward because our circumstances don't feel safe and we're trying to change the circumstances in order to feel safe.

Makes 100%.

Yeah.

And as kids we're very dependent on the people who are raising us.

So our energy, our survival energy is literally going towards how do I keep this connection, how do I keep this closeness with this person or keep this closeness within this system that feels really scary and that becomes the priority.

We don't actually go through, in my opinion, I believe we don't actually go through the stages of like developing a self separate from somebody else.

No, it makes sense because especially your parents.

I mean just looking at moms, moms and daughters, moms and sons, whatever it is that is your goal, your brain is not going to let you believe that, that that person who are you are 100% dependent on for pretty much everything that that person is wrong.

So you're going to make the situation as good as you can be.

I mean I remember from a very young age being like, oh, if I get straight A's, mom will be happier and then the life will be happier and Things will be better if.

Right.

And I would try so hard to do that, only to find out I was 100% wrong.

But I did.

I became almost immediately, very young age, completely dependent or codependent on her.

It didn't matter what my feelings were.

It was, how is mom going to react to this?

Let's, let's change what we're going to do, say or think or believe so that we don't rock any boats.

Yes.

Kids are incredibly adaptive.

They have to.

It's literally for their survival to adapt to the system.

And that this is where we pick up all of those traits.

Like you said, the codependent traits, the people pleasing traits, the I don't have any boundaries or needs, your needs matter traits.

Right.

We become.

We become so other focused because we had to.

A part of us came forward and was like, this is how we're going to exist in the system.

And that becomes really deeply ingrained in who we are.

The normal sort of developmental stages of.

Usually it's in teenage years, right, where you sort of start to test that rebellion, that creating a self outside of the system.

And, and I remember I was like in my 20s, mid-20s, maybe late 20s, after I had started therapy and started working around some of this stuff.

It felt like that was the first time in my life that I was starting to like upset my parents in a way of like not showing up in the same way in the system.

I was like, I'm going through my rebellious teenage years in my 30s, like, this is, this is wild.

But it points to that there wasn't space to do that because all of the energy was going towards other things and other people in that system.

Well, and even when I can remember being in those teenage years, I was kind of rebellious back in those teenage years because I was like, I mean, I just was not being treated well.

So I figured, well, if they can do that to me, they don't care what I'm doing.

They don't care if I'm running around, they don't care.

But also when I would try to assert myself or just be like, this is who I am.

Take me or leave me.

They would leave me.

Like, it wasn't accepted, it wasn't.

Or I would get in trouble or I would get punished or I would get sent out of the house, I mean, for months at a time to go live with the other parent because I'm like, wow, I was just trying to figure out who I am.

And yeah, and.

And it does follow you.

And then what do you do when you get that rejection again, it's, I must be bad.

I must not be worthy for that kind of love or that, you know, so maybe I don't know who, you know, I. I don't know who to be.

I remember going to a therapist and they said, well, who.

Who is Tammy?

I was like, literally remember saying to her, I'm whoever you need me to be at the moment.

Yeah, yeah, I don't care.

Like, it didn't matter to me who I was at that point.

Yeah, because you repeatedly got the message that who you were trying to be was wrong.

I never attempted to be a me outside of anyone else.

So I was just like, similar answer.

I would be like, well, what do you.

What do you like?

What do you like to do?

What are your hob.

And I would just like chameleon into being that person to, to please them or to just get along in that system.

Right.

Not rock any boats.

Because rocking boats, being big, being seen was so unsafe.

Yes, yes.

So.

So piggyback that into.

Why do you think we.

I'm gonna go from the other angle because I know familiarity and all that stuff is why we are attracted to these people that love bomb us and then get us sucked in.

But why do you think our brains don't go the other way and be like, I don't want that, like, first red flag.

I don't need that.

Because we're, we're wired to find familiarity.

So if you think about, like, evolutionary success, we are trying to not die right as, like, cave people.

And if I'm familiar with a path, let's just say a path in the woods, I know where I can like, hunt for the food or I can pick the berries, and that's increasing my chances of survival.

Going out to the path I've never taken is scary because I don't know what's on that path.

So from a, From a literal, like, survival, again, I'm using that word so much, but it's so clear here that familiarity is safe.

Even if the familiar is.

Is painful, is dangerous, is insert bad feeling.

It's familiar and there's a comfort in the familiar familiarity.

So it takes a lot of resources, mental energetic resources too, to do a new thing.

So from a default place, if we're not very conscious of what we're repeating, we're going to repeat it because our bodies are, are just trying to be efficient and trying to keep us safe.

Well, I think that's a good point that you make, is the body's trying to be efficient because like you said, your brain wants to keep you safe.

Your brain obviously wants also to be efficient.

It has a lot to do.

So it's going to take the path of least resistance, as you could call it.

But it.

It literally, it's.

That's one of the reasons I want to stand up on the rooftops and yell to people, because it's like exactly what you're doing, exactly the opposite of what you need to do.

But your brains don't know that.

They don't understand that.

You know, when you're with a.

If you have a narcissistic parents.

Parent, for instance, and then you meet someone and the first day you catch them in three little lies that make you question yourself, red flag.

Like, you would think your brain would be like, no, this is crazy.

I don't want to do this again.

But what do you do?

You go, oh, I know how to deal with this.

Yeah, watch this.

Yeah, well, and to go back to, like, the familiarity, too, in our body, we're wired for the highs and the lows.

So growing up in unpredictable environments or dysfunctional environments, there are really good times and there are really bad times, and there are very few times where you can let your guard down.

Right.

So our nervous system is used to that.

Up and down.

It's used to the stress and the cortisol and the adrenaline dumps and then the.

The repair, or not the repair, but the.

The.

Oh, my gosh, what's the word I'm looking for?

The relief that comes when there's some sort of closeness that comes at the end of the sort of really high moment or really low moments.

Right.

So we are.

We.

We seek out that chaos unconsciously.

Yeah.

Like, I'm gonna go for the bad boy who is really unprepared, predictable, who doesn't return my text messages, but when he does, and we do go on that date, it's euphoric.

Right.

Because I'm used to that, like, push and pull, high and low, versus somebody who's grown up in a more stable, energetic place or nervous system place that's gonna feel really weird to them.

Yeah.

If this person's not responding to me and then they come back and take me out like nothing happened.

Right.

Like, that's going to be a red flag for somebody who hasn't experienced that.

So what are some tips you can give people if they know they grow up in that kind of chaos and they just kind of find themselves because it happens?

I mean, you find yourself, when you grow up like that, just attracting one Wrong person after the next, or staying with people when you know 100% even after you figured it out, like, whoa, this is like living with my dad.

Like, I can't do this, this.

Yeah, but you still stay.

What are some, some tips and tricks you might have for them?

Yeah, I want to just before I answer that question, and I will, but I want to just give some, like, understanding to those people who are in the cycle that they cognitively see and know and can't stop.

Because that's typically a sign that you're in a trauma bond with somebody and you are going through such like a biologically chemically addictive cycle in feeling the stress of the relationship.

So cortisol is pumping.

You're feeling fear of doing something wrong or that person pulling away.

So adrenaline is pumping.

It's keeping you very hyper focused, very aware on that person, Very, like ruminating, obsessive on what are they doing?

What am I doing wrong?

How do I fix it?

And then when that person pulls away, inevitably in the cycle, there's a feeling of rejection, which causes pain that's equal to physical pain.

Right.

So this is the part like when, when they've left or you've left and you're like, this is the last time.

I'm never going back.

And then you wake up a couple days later and you're like, I can't function.

The pain of this is so real.

I can't live my life without this person, even though I know it's fucked up and this is dysfunctional.

You reach back out, or they reach back out and you take their apology.

It's because the withdrawal period is so painful because you have been wired to expect that the relief from your pain is coming from them.

Right.

When they come back, when there's that connect, reconnection, then you feel the relief.

And so your body's like, I need him or her to, to relieve this pain.

Even though they're causing it, I need this person to relieve this pain.

And that becomes a very addictive cycle.

Oh, yeah.

And it's no, it's honestly no different than a drug.

It's no different than getting that dopamine hit from taking that drug.

It literally isn't.

It's just all of a sudden your body can just go, yeah, you know, it's, it's, it's amazing and it's scary at the same time.

Yeah, well, dopamine specifically, if you think about what that is doing, it's the reward system of the body.

So when you seek something and gain pleasure from it, your body releases dopamine as like a reminder to keep doing that thing because it feels good.

Right.

So you're getting that, that addictive reward system.

You're also getting oxytocin when you find that closeness again, which is the love bonding chemical, the, the, the closeness chemical.

So it is like there are so many chemical reactions happening in your brain that keep you focused on the person and wanting the person back.

Right.

So it's not just a matter of, oh, I know he's not good for me, I can do this.

It's, it's.

No.

And I think that's what you were trying to say when you started.

Let me, let me be clear to get to this is.

This is no different than a serious addiction.

And it's not your fault.

It's not like you should be beating yourself up because you just can't talk your way out of it kind of thing.

Yes.

So to put this in a parallel with, let's say an alcoholic that the, the drink is the alcoholic's solution to the pain.

This person is your solution to your pain that you feel without this person.

So just like when you take away the alcohol from, from somebody who's suffering from addiction, you can't just not give them anything else to help with the pain.

Right.

Otherwise they're just sitting in agony.

So we have to insert other tools that you can use to be able to self soothe, to be able to withstand that pain.

Or else you're going to go back to the thing that, you know, takes the pain away.

Like, of course, absolutely.

That's human nature.

I mean, that is what you need to do.

Yes, yes.

So typically that's the things like nervous system regulation, tools, right.

To be able to sit with yourself, meet yourself in the panic that you feel when it feels like nothing is going to change.

I need, the only thing I need is this person and I can't be okay without it.

How do we regulate the nervous system?

How do you allow yourself to fear, feel that feel, feel that fear and anxiety and panic in a safe way by regulating your nervous system and a different type of connective experience that can hold you through that process.

So alcoholics, addicts, sex addicts, workaholics, binge eaters.

Right.

Any addiction, they have some sort of AA n a s a o a program.

Right.

So for people who are going through a withdrawal from these types of relationships, you need support.

You, you cannot, maybe you could do it by your own, on your own, but the, the chances are 99% better if you have Somebody supporting you through this process and helping you see the reality of what's happening.

Because not only are you going through this chemically bound thing, but you're also probably being gaslit and told that your reality is not real and everything is your fault.

Right.

So you really need to surround yourself with people who can hold you, give you the tools that you need to get through the pain so that you can change that neural pathway and not, not just associate relief with that person.

But now you have relief that comes in a lot of different ways that you have access to that are not dependent on other people.

Right?

Absolutely.

And there, like you said, there are groups for everything.

So even there are narcissistic, anonymous groups, there are, there are codependency groups, would be really good groups in that kind of thing because you're probably 100% codependent on that person.

Yeah, yeah.

They typically go hand in hand.

Yeah, definitely.

So there are definitely groups that you can go out there and there's just, I mean, have a friend, you know, Find people that get it, though.

Try to find someone that gets it, whether it's a coach, a therapist, a group, a best friend.

Because like you said, you're going to go into a group of people and you're going to go with this guy and he's going to have told one story and you have your story.

And by the time it's all said and done, if you don't have the right support group with you, you're going to be thinking your story was made up.

Yes, 100%.

100%.

That's why I have a group component in the work that I do.

Because with this specifically, women need a place where there's non judgment and where there's just a baseline understanding.

Because even if you have the most supportive friend, but that friend has never been through this back.

And the fourth, this, I need this person even though I know he's hurting me.

Even if they're supporting you and saying, I love you and I'll do whatever I can, there's still a level of embarrassment and shame to try to explain something you can't make sense of in your head.

Right.

So to come into a group of people who are like, you don't even have to explain that to me, I understand, I get it.

Yeah, I do.

It, I've done it is like, it just, it just gives you a step up in being able to create the safety that you need in order to really change and process and do the things you need to get out of these cycles.

Oh, absolutely.

I 100% agree.

100% agree.

So you have a big group.

Is your group pretty large?

No.

So I keep my groups really small and intimate.

I don't go above six people in my group because we are doing, we're doing such deep nervous system and reprocessing work that I want to be able to have time and like quality time is a value of mine.

So I designed my programs around having a lot of quality time and depth with my clients.

So you get the.

Yeah, so you get the benefit of, of again being seen.

Because that's also a big thing with women who are in these types of relationships and people who have gone through dysfunctional childhoods.

We don't feel seen.

There was no space for us.

So to take up space in a group to believe that your needs are as important as someone else's needs, these are all, all experiences that we're learning in group so that you can take that into your next healthy relationship.

Because there's got to be that understanding of, of equality and not the over giving or the over receiving, depending on which partners is doing that in the relationship.

Right, right.

So.

Well, that's fun.

So going back, I'm going to go back just a little bit and we talked about the familiarity, we talked about the, the underlying.

What.

What do you think beside talk about the big picture?

Like, some people don't even understand narcissism and narcissistic relationships and stuff like that.

Can you explain in general or maybe how you would know if you were dealing with someone that might have these tendencies?

Yeah, yeah, I'll, I'll walk you through high level of what a narcissistic.

Yeah, it's kind of going back a little bit, but I know people are like, oh, wow, I don't know.

What, what are red.

What are this?

What are that?

Yeah, yeah.

So a good thing to know baseline about narcissistic people is they are entering into a connection with the intention of power and control.

You likely are entering into a connection with the intention of love, bonding, give and receive.

Right.

To create like an actual relationship in the way that you understand relationships.

So the motives are different and that's important to know because the motives are different.

Narcissistic people go through a narcissistic cycle with their person that they're currently bonded to.

So that starts with the love bombing stage, which feels like too much too soon, too big, too good, too good to be true is a good line to come back to.

It doesn't have to be them buying you trips or flying you across the world.

It can be like sending you all of the exact messaging that you want or cards, writing you cards, or showing up with really thoughtful gifts, or becoming a yogi if they've never done yoga.

But they know that it's important to you and starting to talk about their feelings because they know that that's important to you.

It's sort of like you're watching them become your prince Charming, this.

This thing that you're telling them that you've always wanted, right?

And honestly, it seems like.

And because of if you grew up in this traumatic childhood and you've never been seen, never been heard, never been doing this, it doesn't take much, honestly, for him to be that hero.

You know, it's kind of like.

I know it sounds horrible to compare this to, but it's kind of like a trafficked victim.

You know, we have basic needs, not very many of them.

And if your trafficker is meeting one of them, he is now better than everybody else on the planet.

Oh, my God, Tammy, you nailed it.

Nailed it.

Like, our standards are very low, typically coming out of.

Yes, yes.

And.

And they can sense that.

They can sense that.

That even if it's just like an energetic desperation for the need to be connected, the need to be needed, or the need to be seen.

So those are things that when we're doing work on ourselves, we really want to work on those wounded parts of ourselves so that we become less.

It's like blood in the water to a shark.

Right?

Right.

I can remember when I was going through the love bombing stage with my ex, I remember saying to a friend of mine, like, oh, this is what love is supposed to feel like.

Like, I finally found it.

And.

And I looking back, I'm like, that was love bombing.

That was not love.

But because I had felt so deprived of that, it was so much desire.

Like, he was.

There was so much desire.

It was an overpouring of desire, and I had never felt that before because usually I was the one focusing on the person and giving to the person, right?

So the love bombing stage is really intended to.

To bond, right?

It's really intended to suck you in so that you.

You feel love for this person because you are being so desired for the next stage of the.

Of the narcissistic cycle is to devalue.

So that's where the little jabs start.

That's where the abuse starts.

That's where trying to get you to move away from your friends and family start, right?

It's where things shift but because you've become so bonded in the love bonding stage, you have a lot of justifications and a lot of excuses for the red flags that you start to see.

And often it comes to, like, they're having a hard time at work or they had such a traumatic childhood.

He's just, he's just acting out.

Like, I want to help him get therapy.

I want us to go to therapy.

I want.

Right.

We start going into like, savior, fix it mode.

Which savior?

Yep.

Which is again, something we have practiced and learned as ACA people.

We know how to step into that.

Like, I'll do it.

I'll take it on.

This is my new project.

You're just suffering and I can, I can help you.

I can change you.

I can make this okay.

Right.

That the devaluing stage goes into discarding.

So discarding is where there's very blatant cheating or blatant breaking up, getting back together, any sort of, like, you're not, you're not worth it anymore.

You're not worth my time.

It becomes very cold, comes very cruel a lot of the times, or they're, they're cheating behind your back.

And you find, you find that out.

Right.

Then they come back with the hoovering.

So this is where the cycle starts again, where they come back with the promises and I miss you and I love you and I was wrong, you were right.

I'll go to therapy.

We'll change everything.

I'll stop drinking, I'll stop using.

I'll.

Whatever, whatever the problem is, they're going to stop doing the problem.

And it's very convincing because again, they're gathering information throughout all of these stages around what's important to you, what, what pushes your buttons, what pulls your strings, and they bring it all back and then you go back into the love bombing stage for a week or two or a month, and then you, you.

Cycle back down, cycle back around.

Yeah.

Yep.

So the narcissistic cycle is what they do, which creates the trauma bond, which is what you experience.

Experience.

So the narcissistic cycle is taking you through the, the cortisol dumps and the adrenaline dumps and the, the pain, the rejection when they pull away and then the relief that comes when they come back.

So it's creating that.

The chemical dependency on the person.

Right.

So, like, is.

I mean, that.

Yes.

No, no.

That was a very, very perfect explanation.

And I just wanted for the people that had never really heard it because some people are like, what?

I hear this and I know there's lying and there's this.

And that all comes in, in all those different stages.

But the biggest thing I think to know is that if you are not in a relationship right now, but you tend to attract the wrong people, is to start learning those red flags.

Start when things come too close, you know, too quick, too fast, too soon.

Backing away and saying, no, that's not what I need.

And it's very hard.

But it's easier to states not get into one of those relationships than it is to get out of one.

So I think I'm.

I'm talking to those people right now specifically that are not in one right now because.

Yeah, because once you.

I mean, I remember people like, why did you marry your first husband?

Because he was really literally the first person that told me he loved me.

Yeah, of course.

That I truly thought he meant it, you know?

Yes, yes.

And yeah, you just, you're looking for love in all the wrong places when you're not healed.

And that's that.

That Tammy, is like, listener, take this home.

Because you can, you can study the red flags all day long, but if you don't have a sense of self or if you still have a lot of wounded parts who are looking for the external source to make them feel safe, seen and valued and worthy, it doesn't matter.

Like those, those parts, like 90% of our life is run unconsciously.

So to take the time to do the healing work around those limiting beliefs, around those patterns of behavior, around what, what was your role in your childhood home?

To do that work, to create that, that really secure sense of self so that, you know, this is what I need, this is what I want.

This is, these are my non negotiables.

This is how I set a boundary.

Right.

Those skills can't come if there's not a sense of self.

Right.

As like the foundation.

Absolutely.

I mean, going back to kind of where.

And it starts with just, you know, those core values and stuff.

And people are like, oh, well, you just base your boundaries, you know, you.

Sometimes we get in assuming that we know something where there are people out there listening that have no idea.

You know, I remember the.

Again, a therapist saying to me, well, what are your core values?

And I'm like, what do you mean?

Well, what do you like?

I don't know.

I don't know.

You know, like you, you literally, when you grow up like that, it's so hard to explain, but you don't have a sense of self.

You don't know what you like, you don't know who you are.

You don't know what you want to do.

And you kind of go through the motions.

Like, I, I love children.

So I was like, well, I guess I'll be a teacher.

You know, I mean, it's like you do things and then you're like, why?

I didn't really want to.

Yes.

You know, or you do what people tell you.

You, you, you'd be good at, or whatever it is you.

And it's that.

I think that is the first place is to really start asking you those yourself, those questions, and then feeling them in your body, you know, ask yourself, am I where I want to be?

Yes.

And, and I know you do a lot with muscle testing, and you do a lot with, like, the energetic work and everything.

And that's so important.

You can literally.

I mean, I, I don't remember who was on my podcast, but she literally, her entire healing process was nothing but muscle testing.

Every decision she made in her life and trusting it.

Yeah.

And trusting it.

Yeah.

I. I was the same way when I.

When I got out of the relationship, the narcissistic relationship, it had felt.

It felt like who I thought I was was, like, burned to the ground.

I was like, I'm starting from ground zero.

I don't even know where to begin with this.

And I started making a list, like, when something felt good.

So I'm like, oh, that piece of dark chocolate, I liked that.

I'm gonna write that down.

I like dark coffee.

I like hot coffee.

Like, very, very hot coffee.

I wrote that down.

I like going for walks.

I wrote that down.

And the more that I added to that list, the more patterns I started to see of, like, oh, these are things that tend to be on the list, like spending time with people.

I love being in nature, doing self work.

And that helped me sort of like, like, not deconstruct, but figure out my values, starting with really small things that I liked.

Right.

So it is so important to know that.

And if you're coming from a place of like, I don't even know, I don't know what question you're asking me.

Start with those things.

Just as you're going through your day, just start being aware of when you feel good.

What am I doing that feels good?

Or I used to tell people, picture your favorite day.

Like, picture what you can imagine to be your favorite day and write down every characteristic and everything that goes along with that.

Perfect example.

What are you eating?

Where are you?

What's the weather?

Like, what's the temperature?

Who are the people?

Like that you're with.

And then do it maybe for a not so perfect day.

And then you can kind of making like a, A good and a bad.

And, and then when you run into those situations and maybe, maybe the not so perfect day was somebody told you a blatant lie and you were like, oh, that's cringy.

So then when you go on that first date and you catch them in three small little lies, you're like, yeah, no, that's, that's a non negotiable.

That's on my no no list.

Yeah, yeah.

But yeah, I love the idea of just starting and writing down everything.

I kind of did that, you know, and I was trying to, I always trying to do everything fast.

So I'm like, my perfect day, my least perfect day.

All the, all the characteristics.

And if it was on my no day, I just don't do it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Another, another way that I like to reverse engineer this to help you find the answer is ask yourself, like, what pisses me off the most?

So lying for me, like asking myself that question.

Lying is the first thing that comes up because my, well, for many reasons, but my ex, like, it was all lies, all lies.

And so I know now that honesty is a value of mine because I cannot handle lying.

I cannot handle people not being truthful.

Even if it's a hard truth to hear.

I would prefer that over the lie.

Right?

So that helped me reverse engineer like, okay, if this is so bothersome to me, it must mean a lot to me that, you know, for people to be honest.

So that's another good way to, to help figure out, sort of like do this curiosity, dive around, who am I?

What, what is meaningful to me?

Right?

And I think you, once you start building that self, because until you have that sense of self, you're not going to be able to set boundaries because you don't even know what you care about.

So I think that the self is the very first, that self awareness and that, that sense of identity I think is the very first step.

Because you don't know.

I mean, you can't.

How do you love your.

How do you love something if you don't even know what it is?

You know what I mean?

It's like you have to know who you are and what you stand for so that you can start standing for it.

Yes, it's really the best.

Before we can love anything, whether it's ourself or someone else, we have to understand them and we have to respect.

Respect them.

Right?

So you have to start like, you're saying understanding yourself and then you start to have to.

Or then you start to naturally respect yourself because you're like, oh, this is making sense.

This is something I can wrap my head around.

And then once you respect something, you want to love and protect it.

And protect.

Exactly.

Yeah.

Right.

And then that's where the being able to set a boundary or being able to have a non negotiable which.

Oh my gosh, 25 years ago there was no such thing as a non negotiable.

Everything was negotiable.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, we're not that far removed from like when women had to marry in order to like have a future.

Right, Right.

We couldn't make money by ourselves.

We couldn't buy a house by ourselves, we couldn't get a credit card by ourselves.

So like, marriage was survival for us for like a long time.

And that wasn't that long ago.

Right.

So the fact that we now have some, some agency in, in choosing who we're with and why we're with them and if we even want to be with somebody, that's a new concept.

It's really profound.

Where we are now compared to just 50 years ago.

Yeah, but it's a nice concept.

I think we're in a good place right now.

You know, I really do.

I think, I know it's the world's crazy and that people should not say that, but I think we're in a better place.

I think we're in a more place where people are believing in what people used to call the woo 20 years ago and now it's science and you know, the energy and like you said, your eft tapping.

You were just being able to be your best version of yourself and being worthy to do it.

Like being able to do it and not having all these, you know, like you said, we don't have to get married to have a future.

Like, you don't have to do any of that.

And I hopefully, I think if enough people start having some guts and some, like you said, respect for themselves and the people around them get better with.

Every generation is learning from the last.

Right.

And evolving and, and like taking what that generation did and going even farther with it.

So I'm, I'm hopeful for.

I have a daughter who's turning one tomorrow and I'm like, what are, what are you gonna look like when you're at the age of dating?

And like, what are your.

I hope she's gonna have a sense of self.

We're gonna, we're gonna work on that very Intentionally.

It's going to look so different than what I grew up with.

Yeah.

And it's.

And it's generational, and I think people understanding that now it's out in the open.

It's not a secret.

You know, it's not a secret that the way you might be right now, if you're out there listening, could be your great grandparents issues, not yours.

They're not yours to carry.

But until we decide that, none of that, Mary, matters.

What matters is where we're at right now and that there's somewhere better it can be.

And that's.

And.

And taking the steps.

And like you said, there's so many different modalities now, so many different things people can try.

There's.

You're the only one holding yourself back if you're not looking for something, if.

If you're not where you want to be.

Yeah, but there's.

There's a Carl Jung quote that I want to offer to your listeners that's.

I'm gonna.

I might butcher it, but it's something along the lines of, until you make the unconscious consciousness, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.

I.

You know, it's so funny, I think you said that on the last episode, too, because I was like, oh, I'm gonna have to remember that one.

Yeah, I love it.

No, you did not butcher it.

You.

You did it perfectly.

It's.

But it's true.

It hits me in that way that's just like.

Oh, like.

Like beautiful.

Responsibility of.

Yes.

If you're not trying to understand or do something different, you're gonna do the same thing.

Because again, the familiarity, the efficiency, the, like, living your life asleep is kind of what it.

What it feels like to me.

Yep.

And ultimately, yeah, it's your choice what.

You can stay that way.

I mean, I tell people, if you're standing here right now and you're listening to this podcast, kudos to you.

You're a warrior.

You made it.

Yes.

Now you just need to decide, do I want to survive, which you did, and you did it.

Great.

Or do I want to thrive, which is where pure joy is.

Is in the thriving.

So.

Oh, Bri, this was so much fun.

I will have to do this again in another year and a half.

So tell people where they can reach you if they want to work with you or want to find out more.

Yeah.

I also have a podcast.

Mine is called Heartbreak to Wholeness, Untangling the Mind Fuck of Narcissistic Relationships.

And then because we talked about finding yourself again and really establishing that self.

I want to point people to a self guided course that I have that's called Find Yourself Again.

That really leads you through that process.

So if you want a little bit of support and like going through those exercises and you get a couple of sessions with me too in that I have people who sometimes start with that self guided program and then transition into more, more depth programs that I have.

Okay.

Because we talked about that.

That feels important for this, this resource.

Otherwise everything's on my website.

So you can kind of take a poke around and that's just br wala.com b r e w o l t a dot com okay.

It's.

It's funny that people that are in this work.

Thank you all.

Thank you so much.

And I will put those in the show notes too so people can grab them and also go back and listen to episode 89 I think it was because we went all over all kinds of different stuff on that one too.

So it was fun.

It's funny though that people that in this niche and what we're doing because my main, I have one big course.

It's trials to triumph.

But my main little entry point is awakening your authentic self is my course.

So it's.

It's like.

Because that's what you have to do.

You have to have that sense of self and it is bringing the unconscious to the conscious and, and dealing with it all and unpacking it and, and embracing it and sitting with it and all the mess.

But the fun mess, the stuff that when you get through the mess, it's so joyous on the other side.

So yeah, yeah, there really is a different way of living and to believe that as you're going through the hard mess is really important and needed to keep that, keep that just momentum going.

Because otherwise why if there's not something better on the other side, I want to also leave a freebie for the listeners.

That's called trust yourself more than his potential.

Okay.

And that's for the woman who's stuck in that cycle of going back, who's fine.

Like I know it's really bad.

We break up and then I believe him and I believe the potential and I want to get out of that cycle.

That's a free guide that they can opt into to leave a free resource also.

Okay.

And I will put some of those in the show notes too so I can link right to them.

Or just put your website.

I'll put it all in there so people can get hold of you.

But thank you again so much for coming on.

Yes.

Thank you, Tammy.

You're very welcome.

And for everybody else out there listening, I couldn't have said it any better.

So that is Brie Walta.

And just love yourself enough or know that you are so valuable and so worth every single step you make going forward to a better, joyous, more happy you.

So we'll see you next week.