E 259: When You Feel Lost: Kimberly Conte on Hope, Healing, and Self-Discovery

Well, good morning, everybody, and welcome back to another episode of Adult Child of Dysfunction.

Today we have with us another very special guest.

Her name is Kimberly Conte, and she is the author of who Am I really?

Do youo Know, she's here to let people know who are hopeless not to be, that there's always hope somewhere and there's always help somewhere.

That is her message.

And I'm just gonna jump right in with her and we're going to talk about kind of her story and how at one point she probably didn't think there was hope, but she found it.

So welcome, Kimberly.

Thank you.

Nice to meet you.

And well, thank you.

So tell us a little bit.

I mean, if you wrote a book called who Am I really?

Do you know, But I'm assuming at some point you did not know.

So talk a little bit about what kind of inspired your book or what's your message is.

I didn't.

I didn't know who I was for a really long time.

I just kind of did.

I was a people pleaser.

You know, the ones that go out and everything everybody says you do it, you know, just make them.

Make them happy, make them smile.

Never really put myself before anybody.

And it just.

And I think that started, you know, just from being made fun of and bullied around.

Bullied as a kid.

I mean, I.

From the time I started school until I dropped out and went and got my GED and went to college from there, I mean, I was pretty much picked on and bullied.

So it started from there.

And I, you know, my mother was never one to say, okay, you know, let's take care of this.

So I was always kind of on my own with it.

And I mean, kids are bad.

Kids are very bad.

And I wrote it because kids are.

Kids can be really mean.

And it carries, it does carry with you as you get older, you know, like your parents get divorced and then, you know, between that, be picked on and, you know, I never really knew who I was.

I was just kind of, don't pick on me.

I'll be whoever you want me to be.

You know what I mean?

Just to get approval.

So.

Oh, yeah, it gives me goosebumps when you say that.

Who I'll be, whoever you want me to be.

Because I remember the first time a therapist asked me and said, well, who is Tammy?

I'm like, it depends on.

It depends on what you need me to be that day.

I can be aggressive and.

And big and professional, or I can be small and meek and I can be happy.

I Can be sad.

I can be whatever I need to be so that I don't rock any boats.

Yep, exactly how it was.

And you did not.

Oh, go ahead.

Oh.

And I had to have something.

I mean, there's always something that had to be wrong with me.

According to my mother, it was.

You know, there was always something.

You know, my parents divorced at 9, and I'm a kid.

I don't know any better.

I'm just being a kid, and all of a sudden I'm being carted off to therapists and, you know, like, why am I going?

Well, because you talk about your problems.

I didn't know I had any.

So they kind of stemmed, you know, it kind of stemmed from there being told I had issues, and then it was being picked on at the new school we moved to.

My parents got divorced, and then it just kind of went.

It was a downfall from there, and it just kind of.

I mean, I think I was beyond a people pleaser.

I was just like, I'd do anything to make anybody talk to me or be happy or smile.

And then when I had something wrong with me, I kind of just pulled back even more and became just more of a, you know, inclusive, all in my room type of person all the time, just to myself.

Right.

Yeah.

No, absolutely.

That's lonely.

I mean, kids are supposed to be out there having fun and running and playing and having groups of friends and everything else.

So did you.

Did you get any support from your father?

Was there.

I mean, did you live with your mother?

Yes, I did live with my mother.

And I mean, my dad, daddy's girl, always been a daddy's girl.

Even though he wasn't around for when they got divorced, he wasn't around for quite a few years.

I think it was like a midlife crisis, finding himself type of mission.

Right.

But he moved out of state.

We moved here to Arizona from New York.

And then when we got here is when my parents split up, and then my dad went to California.

Okay.

So it was kind of like, you know, I just kind of got left here, and my mother and I never really got along.

I mean, ever since I was a kid, I don't.

There's no.

Really no pictures of us together.

I mean, I'm smiling or I'm happy and just.

I.

We never had that.

I'm adopted as well, so we didn't have that connection.

And, you know, she was.

She's strict Roman Catholic.

Okay.

So I don't know if that helps, you know, with a little bit background, but, you know, everything and she's very big on appearances.

Very big nothing.

You know, you would never know what was going on at home, was going on there if you came over and talked to her.

Right.

I was.

I was just.

I was out of line.

I was bad.

There was something wrong with me.

Every time I did something, it was, oh, she, she.

There's something wrong with her.

She doesn't know better, you know.

Yeah.

It was a little bit daunting, I guess, you know.

Yeah.

Because your mother is supposed to be your.

Your safety net.

I mean, that's how parents are supposed to be.

That's supposed to be the person that you look to for support and you look to when you're getting bullied.

You need to be able to come home and say, hey, I'm having this problem at school.

And Mom's supposed to jump in and go, dude, I'll take care of it, you know?

Yep.

Yeah.

And when you don't have that, you do.

You just feel it's.

And that's kind of the basis of every.

All the listeners probably, that are on this podcast is when you grow up and you just get shooed aside or, you know, your.

Your ideas don't matter, or what you say doesn't matter, or, you know, I've had people say, I don't understand how I could be too much and too little all at the same time.

And.

And you probably went through that if you were being, you know, if you were voicing.

I. I don't know about your story, but, like, when I was having a good time, I thought.

And having fun, it was like, stop it.

What's there to be?

You know?

Why are you laughing so hard?

I'm like, I can't even laugh.

Like, I thought that's what I was supposed to be doing.

Yep.

I mean, I couldn't make a decision on my own until I was probably 21 to.

Right before I got married.

I mean, I would have to consult her.

I felt like if I didn't consult her before I made that decision, it was.

It was going to be.

It was going to be all bad.

So it was a very.

I mean, I was very indecisive.

Just very, you know, like, I mean, I couldn't tell you what I wanted for dinner because I just didn't want to offend her or make her mad or.

You know?

You know what I mean?

Like, it was.

Because it was like nothing was ever good enough.

Right.

And they.

And they call that.

That's kind of the stereotypical.

Just walking on eggshells and you it's the hardest way to grow up, and it's the hardest way to live, even as an adult.

And there's so many people out there that are doing that, whether it's for a spouse or for a child or, you know, I know so many people that'll just like, oh, I just can't say that to him because it'll break my heart if I think I'm upsetting him.

It's like, what?

Yeah, like, that's.

I think that's how I became.

Yeah, that's how I became just.

I mean, I've we with certain things.

I don't have a filter.

And granted, it's not exactly the way to communicate, but, you know, I think that's how I became.

That's part of, you know, when I went through finding myself was just be.

Be telling myself I had the ability to say how I feel, and if it hurts your feelings, I'm sorry, but that's just how it is.

Well, and, and, well, and that's.

I mean, honestly, that's kind of like the polar opposite.

Like, you finally.

Somebody finally gives you the right to say, hey, you can be unapologetically you, and then you're like, oh, yeah, here I go.

And it's kind of finding that happy medium.

But unfortunately, like, that emotional intelligence is not something that kids are taught younger because had you known how to, like, say things and actually express them with a little bit of empathy and, you know, you didn't learn all that.

You didn't have the model.

So talk about what you did.

I mean, you wrote a book that says, who am I really do.

Yeah, basically, you know, I. I went to writing when I was a kid.

I mean, I didn't like setting, you know, I was being picked on it, have a whole lot of friends.

And I just.

I wrote.

I wrote a lot when I was a kid.

Poetry.

I mean, I wrote just anything in general.

And I just kind of learned to, you know, I always felt bad about kids are being picked on aside from myself.

So I kind of always honed in on trying to make a friend with the one that didn't have any friends besides myself and always had a huge heart.

I was always you know, really wanting to help somebody or, you know, wanting make sure somebody didn't feel bad.

And that's kind of what I did, you know, to deal with it.

And I kind of just reclute, you know, I kind of.

Until I was about 13, I kind of just, you know, was pushing through every day.

I played softball.

My, you know, My mom had me going into, you know, religious classes every week.

And when I was about 13, 14, you know, everything just kind of changed.

And it was like, we're in high school, a whole new era.

And the reason I wrote it is because that's the hardest time.

You know, you're either cheerleader, jock, or you're a nerd.

Right?

Is how it goes.

You know what I mean?

And I was the nerd.

And I ended up leaving.

I left school in ninth grade, and I went to get my ged, and I went from there.

I went to community college.

I got it, and I got a certificate, and I got a couple other things under my belt.

I was a teacher.

And just being, you know, not knowing.

Not having a parent to talk to at home is what set me on.

You know, it made it twice as hard as, you know, I couldn't come home, say, mom, I'm being picked on.

She'd tell me to turn together.

You know, just ignore them.

It'll go away.

Biggest mistake.

That's one of the reasons that I wrote, you know, that I put the book out there, too, is because parent.

You can't tell your kid.

Just ignore it.

It'll go away.

They don't go away.

It gets worse.

The worse it gets, the more you internalize it, the more you internalize, the more it makes you believe, no matter what somebody says, there's something wrong with you because you don't have a reason as to why these kids do this.

You know, they're just mean.

That's not.

But that's not it.

There's some.

There's, you know, you don't.

You don't see it that way.

You just see it as what's wrong with me.

Why am I not good enough?

And on top of that, being adopted and then, you know, not having her to talk to or having her be around, you know, and.

And to judge, judging everything I did, it made it that much harder for me.

So I just read more.

I, you know, wrote more.

And then when I was a teenager, about 16, I think I met my.

Is when I met my husband.

Okay.

And, you know, of course she didn't like him, you know, and at this time, I was coming and going out of the house at this point, you know, I was your two typical rebel teenager that didn't want to be at home with mom, you know, didn't.

Didn't really know where my place in the world was.

So, you know, I was doing all kinds of partying, whatever, you know, what have you.

I met my Husband.

And from that point, you know, it was just a matter of.

Around him, I was allowed to be me.

You know what I mean?

There was no judgment.

There was no, I could be me.

And I think just finding my footing as far as, you know, continuing learning how to say no and learning how to be comfortable with my decisions.

It started at about, I want to say, like, 15.

16 is when it.

You know, when I left the high school is when I learned how to Just kind of, for a while, like I said, you know, I was just a real recluse inside and.

But the first time I made my.

I remember making a decision on my own was when I met him, actually.

My mother was like, you're not going anywhere.

I was like, yes, I am.

And I actually didn't feel guilty leaving the house when I went to go see him.

You know what I mean?

And I think that was the first time I kind of just was me.

Right.

And I know, I'm sure a lot of people were.

You're thinking, too.

Then you, of course, have this guilt of.

This is my mother, and I should be listening to her.

But at the same time, if you're not getting that mutual respect, you were.

You were looking for love.

I mean, at the end of the day, you got as a child, and 16 is still a child.

You're gonna find it somewhere, and it's not always the right places.

Are you still with your husband?

Yep.

Oh, so cool.

25 years.

25 years.

Isn't that.

Isn't that amazing?

So that is actually pretty cool, because not many people now have you.

I'm just going to be very.

I'm just going to ask you, are you.

You said you could be yourself with him, so did he help you with learning how to set boundaries and say no and.

And help?

You know, he did.

Allowed to ask for what you want.

Yeah, he did, for the most part.

I mean, you know, because he, you know, he did it.

He had no problem doing it.

He's no problem telling you no.

Right.

So I made it a lot easier.

It made it a lot easier for me to learn how to do it.

Right.

I mean, you were both deferring to.

I was always deferring to.

Well, whatever you want to do, whatever you say is okay.

But he's the one that actually was.

It's okay to say no.

No, I don't want to.

Well, it's just funny.

It's just funny because usually when you come from a household like that, it's like you.

Your brain is kind of wired for Familiarity.

So a lot of times you will go into a situation that's just like the one you left from, because that's what you're comfortable.

So you were probably the opposite.

Yeah.

Abs, Absolutely.

Which is good.

Most people don't.

Most people.

Because your brain is wired for the easiest route, honestly.

So the easiest thing is to be with someone who is like your mother, who, you know what to expect, you know how to act, you know what to say, you know what to do versus something that's totally.

I mean, I remember the first time.

Yeah.

Unpredictable or predictable.

I remember the first time I was with someone that it was actually like a good relationship.

It was violently uncomfortable, and it didn't last because I was like, oh, I don't even know how to do this right.

I was like, this does not feel right at all.

But then, you know, my friends were like, hey, it's not right that people talk to you that way.

I'm like, really?

Everybody's talked to me that way my whole life.

I didn't think about it.

Yeah.

So it's.

It's a feeling of not feeling good enough.

You know, no matter what you do, it's never good enough for anybody.

And I think that that's.

That ideal is still.

I still deal with that, you know, just from other people around me.

But I mean, it.

You know, it's that.

That constant nagging is.

Is what made it.

Made me so determined to, you know, just go and, you know, because you don't want to tell people that, you know, you feel like you're not good enough.

And I know there's got to be tons of women out there that just don't feel like they're good enough, but they are.

They are.

They are good enough.

It's just about, you know, in the end, it's like, I have to rewire.

I had to rewire my whole brain because I'm very.

I'm very determined, and I'm very persistent.

And when I just.

I'm one of those people, like, if it's going to happen, it's going to happen.

And, you know, it's.

You kind of have to rewire.

Take a time and rewire yourself to where you're okay with certain things, you know, and you're okay with yourself.

And I did that just by, you know, setting goals for myself and.

And achieving them is how I taught myself, and I rewired my brain to.

I'm okay with me.

You know what I mean?

Like, I can do it.

I'm good enough.

So I was gonna Ask you, so what are some of the things?

Like, did you go through therapy?

Like, what are some of the things I did?

I went through therapy, but for the most part, it was like, everything.

I looked at everything as a challenge.

Like, you know, can I do this?

You know, and can I finish first?

Can I.

You know, how am I going to, you know, can I accomplish this?

And I would.

And I would start just doing things like, you know, I put a bike together from, you know, all parts.

It took me two days, but I did it.

You know what I mean?

So I got, you know, I knew I could do that.

So that kind of built up my confidence a little bit.

And then it's like, you know, when I got older, I quit smoking.

I smoked from the time I was 14 until probably 25, 26, and I quit New Year's Eve cold turkey.

Oh, nice.

Never picked it up again.

And that was a big deal because, you know, I.

That was part of how the persistence, determination, and rewiring in my brain, you know what I mean?

I did it.

So, I mean, you know, it's.

It's.

And I knew I could do it, because if you could not pick up, you know, that's one of the hardest things to quit.

And if you can do that, you know, you can do anything.

So it was just little things.

It was one goal at a time, you know, one goal at a time.

Because when people set goals and you have to in order to make yourself, it's not even just therapy.

It's.

It's just about looking in the mirror every day, and I'm breathing.

I woke up breathing.

That's good.

And then set a goal for that day.

Yep.

Be grateful for that day.

Yep.

Achieve that goal and then just go from there.

And if you have to write it down, write down if you need somebody to call you to remind you, that's fine.

But you.

You know what I mean?

But you got to just start.

I always started small because it was always just me.

I mean, it was never, you know, I never had this huge support circle.

And, you know, I had my son real young, and, you know, it just.

The support circle got even smaller after I had my son.

So it's like, you know, I just kind of.

And I wanted to be there and show him that I was, you know, the kind of person I want him to be.

Right?

And that didn't work out very well.

But, you know, I mean, for the most part, I'm happy with who I am now.

And it's taken, you know, the reason for the book is, I know that there's a feeling of judgment that you feel, and you're afraid to change, because if you change, well, you're gonna get.

They're gonna say this.

They're gonna say that the only way you can learn to block that off is with that little voice in your head that you have to sit there and, you know, even though it sounds stupid, talk to you.

I talk to myself all the time.

I answer myself, too.

Amen.

I say.

I have this little thing, and I do it with my clients, too.

I'm like, I don't care if you have to answer that little.

You sitting on your shoulder that's trying to tell you something negative.

I don't care if you have to do it out loud in public.

Talk to it, combat it.

Like, challenge it.

Because that's your subconscious mind that's sitting there, and it's all of that negative programming that you didn't give yourself.

It's not how you were born.

It's what made people, made you believe about yourself.

So when you hear that thing and you knock something over and you hear that little voice go, I'm.

You're stupid.

Just.

No, I'm not stupid.

I made a mistake.

I'm human.

Like, this is fine.

People knock things over every day.

Like, it doesn't matter how little it is.

But give yourself the kudos.

If there's nobody to give it to you, you.

You're going to have to be that person for yourself.

And.

And I. I do.

I call it the nip it in the bud.

Because it takes a minute for a thought to set in.

It takes a second.

So if you can stop that thought and nip it and replace that with something else, something more positive, that thought will never set in there, and it won't be in what I call my magic, you know, my invisible backpack of crap that I'm carrying around that makes.

That weighs me down.

So, yeah, no, that's.

That's very powerful to just.

And also this celebrating the small wins, like you said, it doesn't have to be something huge.

It can be something little.

But what's the Come from yourself, you know, though, too is the other big deal I have.

Is it.

You know, I always looked for.

I want to say gratification.

I always looked for you did a good job.

Or, you know, Validation.

Yep.

Yes.

Always looking for validation everywhere else except for me.

And you don't need it.

I'm learning as.

And even as I get older, I'm learning you don't need it from anybody.

Else you can do it yourself and just know that you did without having to have somebody else say it.

You know what I mean?

And that was one of the hardest things that I just learned recently.

That's a recent thing.

And it took me.

I'm 44 years old.

It took me 20, you know, 20 something years to learn that.

But I've.

You know, that's one of the newest traits that, you know, one of the newest things I've learned.

And it's hard, but at the same time, it's, I guess, liberating, I guess, because I don't need.

You know what I mean?

Especially when you're sheltered and you've got, you know, no friends and there's really nowhere for you to go, and you can't even go to your parents.

I mean, you know, so it was like I kind of created.

I don't want to say another personality, but I created, like, you know, an invisible me to talk things through with and to.

You know.

And like you said, I look like the crazy person sitting there in the car talking to myself.

You know what?

I'm right there with you.

I do it all the time.

Like, if I get mad at someone in traffic, and I'm just like, man.

I'm like, okay, Tammy, that was kind of stupid.

You know, I'm like, just be grateful that you don't have anywhere to be so soon that you have to be yelling at people.

Blah.

You know what I mean?

Like, just stop.

And I will literally be like, just stop, Tammy.

Like, what is wrong?

And then, you know, like, calm down.

Take a breath.

I. I am forever talking to myself.

People must think I'm crazy in the car, but that's okay.

I just make it look like I'm singing.

I talk in a very fast pace.

So I'm like, okay.

They think I'm singing.

Yep.

Right?

I know.

That's what I do to the radio.

Yep.

But that's.

I mean, that's.

You know, you.

Like I said, you were blessed and lucky, and it's a process.

Like you said, you just got a new trait now or a new characteristic or a new tool you're using.

You're gonna get them forever because it's layers.

And I truly believe God does not give you more than you can handle.

And you unpack things as you're ready to handle them.

So, like, you've got maybe a hold on the boundaries, and you're able to stick up for yourself and do that.

But now you're a little.

You still have a little bit of that insecurity, maybe, or whatever it is as far as self confidence, I guess.

Yeah, I think I did.

You're working on that?

Yeah.

Yep, I did.

I did.

And I actually, you know, I went.

And I actually don't talk to my.

My.

My dad.

I talk to.

Every once in a while.

I don't talk to my mother anymore, and I haven't talked to her in years, you know, and it just.

It's easier that way for me, which is the other reason why I kind of wrote the book is because I wanted people to know you don't need to have toxic people in your life or people that, you know.

And I wouldn't say, you know, she.

I don't think she realized what she was doing.

She was doing it.

I don't think she realized what it did.

You know what I mean?

What it did.

And.

And when I look back now, I, you know, I mean, I know that she knew she wasn't making the right decisions.

She wasn't.

She wasn't doing things to benefit me that were to benefit her.

But it's just easier for me to be me without having to have that type of person and negativity around me.

And if that's okay.

And.

Oh, yeah, a lot of people out there don't think it is.

I think, you know, they think that you're bad.

You're a bad child or you're a bad parent.

If you don't talk to your parent or your child and you're not.

No.

I've asked people, I see, you know, people that have a toxic sibling or something, and I'm like, if they were not your brother, would they be in your life?

And if the answer is no, then that's okay.

Yep.

You know, just because you were born into the same family, you didn't choose your family.

And just because you were born into it does not mean you have this obligation to change who you are or change the way you feel, change the way you think, or have to be, you know, with that person.

The holiday, like, the holidays are so hard for some people because they're with the people that, on the holidays that caused them all of the trauma in their lives.

And I'm like, you know, you don't have to do that.

No.

There's no rule book that says on this day you must be with your friend.

You like, you have to do it makes you happy.

And.

Yeah.

Without guilt and without shame.

I don't know.

I mean, my mother was doing horrific things, and people would say, you can't talk like that.

That's your mother.

I'm like, yeah.

Oh, but it's okay.

It's okay for her to dump me off on her drug dealers.

Like, no.

Yeah.

Like, there's got to be a thing, you know, a balance and.

Yep.

And you've got an.

I mean, and when you've got, like, you know, my dad, who would come in and out, and somehow him and my mother ended up best friends.

Don't ask me how.

Somehow they're.

They ended up, you know, best friends after they got divorced.

And he would come in and out, and every time he'd come in and out, it was, you know, don't talk to your mother like that.

You know, you need to respect.

But he wasn't there every day and didn't see the things that she was doing.

And I don't think he remembered why they got divorced.

And I think that, you know, it's.

He was.

He was the one.

I think mainly that I was damaged by because I wanted nothing more than to be.

Stay Daddy's little girl when they got.

When they.

And without him, who.

Who.

Who was I?

You know, Daddy wasn't there.

And then he had his, you know, like I said, I'm adopted.

Then he had.

He got married and had a daughter biologically.

And I think just kind of forgot about my sister and I until we were older.

And then it was.

Then it became about, well, if we don't do this, dad don't want to talk to us.

If we don't do that.

So then it was the hardest thing to do, right?

So then it was right.

Then it was right back on.

Your worth is based on your production or what you do, not who you are.

And that's no way to live.

You know, it's.

I. I love being at a point in my life where I can be like, this is who I am.

What you see is what you get.

You know, if you don't like me, there's seven other billion people in the world that probably could.

So, you know, and that's the thing is, like, you know, I mean, I just.

Every day when you turn the TV on it, somebody's killing themselves.

Somebody's doing.

And they don't need to do that.

I mean, that should never be an option for anybody.

And.

And that's my biggest thing is that, like I said, you know, I've got a heart and I feel for people.

And I'm just like, there's always.

And most of them are like, they felt alone or somebody's like, oh, well, they felt like they were all.

But they need to know they're not.

That should never be an option for anybody because you're never alone.

There's always somebody that's been through something, if not the same, similar, and it can help you and will listen.

And I don't think there's enough people that get out there and say that and genuinely mean it that to where people feel comfortable, you know, going and finding those people.

Well, and that's a very good point, and I think we mentioned it right before we got on this podcast is that's what this podcast is all about.

I mean, it's adult child of dysfunction.

We've all been through some.

But you need to know that you're.

You're not alone.

Like so many millions of people.

I mean, when you look at, you know, my.

My original niche started with just adult children of alcoholics, so people that grew up with alcoholic, abusive, neglectful, abandoned parents.

But at the end of the day, dysfunction is dysfunction.

So whether your parents were drinking or whether they were just fighting or they were divorced or they were.

You had a, you know, an ill sibling or whatever it is, if you grew up like that, somebody else out there in the world did too.

There's not your.

Your story, although the very specifics of it are unique.

Somebody out there understands.

And that's why I think I started this because I want people to hear.

Oh, I get it.

Like, I want people to listen to this and go, oh, wow, I know how.

That's how I felt.

So I'm not alone.

Because.

And whether people listen to you and start writing or write a book or just journal and get it out of their bodies.

Yep, you're helping someone.

But.

But you're right.

This, like, the suicide rate is off the charts right now.

And if everybody knew that there was somebody out there that they could talk to, sometimes that's all it takes.

Or.

And if people just knew, too, that the energy that they put into the world is the energy that they give out and that every smile has a ripple effect that you will never even be able to comprehend the life.

The world would be a better place.

Yep, I agree.

And I mean, that's my biggest thing is, you know, as a kid, you know, I didn't know what to do.

I couldn't go home and tell my mom what happened at school because she would either tell me, you know, just ignore it, they'll go away, or she would, you know, she'd just be like, oh, they're just being kids.

But it was serious.

Like, you know, I Mean, I was being beat up.

I had eggs thrown at me.

I had dog foods.

I mean, so it's like I've been, you know, and it was.

And it started because I had red hair.

It's something simple.

Like, they're like, where's it start at what you.

It was always, what'd you say?

What'd you do?

Nothing.

I went to school, I did something wrong, and I just, you know, I wanted.

I don't want people.

It's a lonely world when you grow up like that.

It really is.

And I just, you know, my biggest thing was I wanted people to see this, you know, not just the story and.

But that, you know, the situations.

For every situation, you've got to think of, you know, I can make this through and think of it as, if I make it through, I can help somebody else.

Right.

You know, if that's.

Because that's what always helped me is, you know, a lot of people think that they're not worth it and.

But you can't think like that.

You have to think of, if I can make this through, this I can help somebody else that's going to go through something similar.

And that makes.

That's what made me feel like it was worth going, continuing to go.

You know what I mean?

It's having a purpose.

It's having a purpose.

And that purpose, your purpose, was just to help somebody else.

It doesn't matter what your purpose is.

I mean, we all have a purpose.

But, yes, you need to feel like you're on this worth for.

On this earth for something more than just existing in a miserable world.

Like, you need to know, and we're all put here for something.

So a lot of the coaches and.

And authors and, you know, therapists and all those people, they do have a story, and they turn that pain into purpose.

And that's amazing.

And they can understand.

Yeah, you can talk to people.

And when you talk to someone and just.

Even the adoption part of it, I mean, I've had so many people on this podcast.

I think I have three or four episodes just on adoption trauma on my podcast, because people don't understand and.

And the outside world is naive to it.

The people that are not adopted or don't know anything about it, their assumption, I'm assuming.

And everybody I've talked to has kind of agreed with me.

They just assumed, oh, if you get adopted into a loving family, everything's good.

You don't know.

They.

There's no.

None of this talk of, you know, attachment theory and all that.

People don't talk about that stuff.

Yep, they don't.

But then to get adopted into a family that it was never that mother daughter bond, whether it's, I mean, my.

I'm remarried and my husband now we've been married for 25 years.

That's my daughter's debt.

I mean, that is daddy, you know what I mean?

So it doesn't.

The blood thing doesn't matter.

But had that not been.

That would have been a whole nother issue.

Yeah, it's.

It's hard.

It is hard.

It is hard.

I mean, especially when you know you're.

They tell you like when you're wanted because, you know, that's what they always tell kids that are adopted.

Oh, you know, you, you were wanted.

You know, they can't say you weren't unplanned because.

But you were.

Which is why you were wanted by so badly by a family is because you weren't planned or you weren't wanted by somebody.

And that's.

To see that a lot of people that are adopted have in their head as just from the time that they can, they learned how to walk.

That's just why.

So I wasn't wanted.

That's how you got.

That's what it boiled down to for me, is it?

It wasn't, oh, this family wanted me so bad.

It was.

I wasn't wanted to begin with.

Do you know the story?

Do you, do you.

Do you know the story of why your mother put you up for adoption?

Is that too much to ask?

No, I do.

I do.

She's actually 18.

When she had me and she had me, I believe in the basement of her sister's house.

And she hid the pregnancy the whole time she was pregnant.

And it's because I believe somewhere along the way it was a relative that had gotten her pregnant.

Okay.

So it, that's part of the reason and that I was given up and she was so young.

I guess so.

Right.

So in your mind, she didn't want you, but with time you could probably turn that story into again, like even like your, your adopted mother.

It's.

She thought at the time she was doing the best thing for you.

I think so.

And I think a lot of it had to do with the fact that it was a relative that had gotten her pregnant and that, you know, the family didn't want that type of stigma attached to them.

And I think that's a lot of the issues I had to dealing with as I got older was knowing that.

Right.

And you know, that's something aside from being Adopted.

That's something else.

That's a whole nother pill to swallow.

Right?

You know, and it's like, then it was, is that what was wrong with me?

Is that why, you know, my mom didn't, you know, my mom was cold with me?

Is that why my, you know, my dad left?

You know, it just, it kind of stemmed to a whole nother type of issue.

And I did, I did talk to her.

I found out who she was, and I did actually talk to her.

And she wasn't the most, I want to say, Warm, warm person I guess I've spoken to.

I mean, and I had no desire to go any further with.

Than the phone call that I spoke with her on.

But in dealing with, you know, it all became of.

It's not about where.

It's about planting roots.

I guess as you get older and not.

You have to have a certain mindset to overcome a lot and you don't need.

I mean, I had therapy when I was younger, but I really didn't as an adult because they don't have a lot of things as low income, you know, I mean, I was low income for years and years and years and years.

And there's just.

They don't offer a lot for people, you know, that I feel like, especially in Arizona.

So I, you know, that's the other reason I wrote the book is so they can see that you, you can do it.

You can do it.

You don't need to have thousands of dollars in medical care.

You don't need to have, you know, this huge, huge support system.

You can get through this by deep diving in yourself and, you know what I mean?

And like, and listening to podcasts, like, with people like you and, you know, things like that.

And like, you know, Oprah just did one, I think, recently on what your.

What yours has been.

What yours has been for a while now, you know, adult dysfunction.

And, you know, so, I mean, it's getting to be a bigger.

A bigger deal now, I think.

And that's why I was glad, you know, to come on here, because when I seen the title, I'm like, that's me.

That's just me.

It's funny because so many.

Yeah.

So many people reach out and they're like, oh, well, I'm like, well, what brought you to the podcast?

And like, I just saw the title.

Like, that's all I needed.

Like, it's just like.

It is.

It is funny.

But that's, I mean, that's good.

And that's like, again, why we have these podcasts because there's so many different modalities.

Just, even, even in my podcast, if you read through it's 200 and some episodes, if you read through some of the titles, it will say, you know, how to use sound healing, how to use this, how to use that.

There's so many different ways to get past, like you said, what you're going through and to deep dive into yourself and you don't need thousands of dollars.

And, and podcasts are a very good way to just get kind of.

To jumpstart the information, I guess you could say, like they might hear something, like somebody listening to this might be adopted.

And not that there is some biological reason that you have a deep.

An attachment issue.

Yeah.

Even though, like a physiological issue.

And they can deep dive into that and they can start doing their own research and they can, you know, learn to journal and write and meditate, whatever it is.

But the big picture is just know that you're not alone and know that there's always hope.

And if you.

But it's also a choice.

You have to want to have a better life.

It is a choice.

And I can say, you know, there's a lot of people out there too, that say, you know, when you forgive somebody, it's for the other person.

It's not for you, you know, or it's for you.

And, you know, maybe that's not.

That wasn't an option for me, you know, and the way that, you know, everybody was like, you're crazy.

You'll be angry your whole life if you don't do that.

And that's not true.

That's not true.

You don't have to forgive somebody or forgive a situation to be at peace with it.

You know what I mean?

You have to find it within yourself to move forward.

And the moving forward part is, you know, am I going to take it with me or am I just going to leave it?

You know what I mean?

It's not a matter of.

For, you don't have to.

Forgiveness.

It's a matter of can I go forward and just shed it?

Like, you know, And I chose to do that instead of forgiving because forgiveness just wasn't an option for me.

So I just kind of worked through and said, can I live with myself if I don't talk to this person and if I don't do this and if I just cut this out of my life, can I, can I get up in the morning?

And if you can, then, then that's what you need to do, then there you go.

I Mean, there's a lot of people think for you have to forgive to.

You don't.

That's.

You don't need to do that.

And that's one of those big controversies.

And they have that hona onopono, you know, the Hawaiian forgiveness and all that stuff.

And I could never say it right.

But I, I kind of work with the people that I work with and I tell them if you're having a hard time with that, like, to me, forgiveness is not condoning.

It's not anything.

Forgiveness is letting go of the power it has on me.

Yeah.

So if I can let go of all of the anger and the animosity and all that stuff.

So where I'm at peace with it.

Like you said, you don't still don't have to talk to that person.

Yep.

But you just have to be able to let go of the, the hold it has on you.

And then I was okay with that.

The same thing.

You know, there are some.

To me, there are some acts that are unforgivable.

It's.

There's no.

No.

But when I could look at, when I finally flipped the switch and I wasn't young when I did it, to look at my mother and go, yeah.

She was more damaged and more hurt and more bright, brutally treated than I ever was.

Yeah.

That's why all of a sudden it was like, like a load off my shoulders.

Because there wasn't that hatred and that anger and that, you know, that those feelings attached to it anymore.

Yeah.

But I never said I forgive you.

No way.

No.

You're a grown ass adult.

You know exactly what you were doing.

Exactly.

Yep.

So.

Exactly.

But I did have to let go ago.

You know, some of the stories that I tell now I couldn't have told 20 years ago.

I would have broken down into a full blown anxiety attack.

Right.

I hear you.

Now I could just be like, oh, yeah.

And there's no emotional attachment to it.

That's the difference.

It's just a story.

It just is.

She just was.

We got.

I got past it.

I. I don't even want to say moved on.

I've grown and I've come to look at things differently.

Yep.

You know, I don't think you ever really move on.

I think you just kind of, you, you grow.

You grow and learn.

And I think that's the hardest thing is people are afraid to do that.

Because if change.

I look at it like this.

If change were easy, everybody do it.

Yeah.

If change was something that was comfortable, everybody would be doing it.

People don't do it because it's uncomfortable and people don't like what's uncomfortable.

Yeah.

And you can't go forward in life, and you can't learn to put one foot in front of the other.

And if.

Unless you're gonna be uncomfortable and you're going to be.

And I just.

My biggest thing is I don't want anyone to be feeling like, you know, they need to be uncomfortable by themselves.

You know what I mean?

And if.

If it means, you know, calling in the middle of the night, or if it means, you know, highlighting something in.

In my book, or if it means, you know, you know, asking, how do you get better?

What can I do to get better?

And referring them to someone else, you know, or referring them to your podcast or even something.

Even something like that, you know, I mean, it just.

That's the reason that I feel like I'm here, and that's what I feel like is my.

My calling to do is to help people that think they can't, that have been in my situation, bullied and then their parents weren't there, and, you know, things like that, that it's okay because we got to cut down this number of people that just don't think it is and just decide to leave.

You know what I mean?

100% agreed.

100% very.

I mean, very well said.

And.

Oh, yeah, yeah, you can't say it any better.

It's just absolutely so important that people.

I always say I want to get up on the mountaintops and just scream, like, oh, I wish I could spread the message big and wide because there's just so many people out there walking around.

And, you know, if you're standing here right now, you've survived, you're a warrior, but let's thrive.

Let's have a good life.

Let's move, like, let's move it up a notch.

And I know one of the psychologists, and I've said this in several of my episodes, but she does a little test with her clients, and she says, you know, picture your favorite ice cream and how does it make you feel?

Or your favorite food, and it makes you feel warm and fuzzy and everything else.

And then she goes, now say the words, I deserve all good things.

And then sit with that, because if you say that and you get a little clench in your belly or your shoulders tighten or you get any kind of physiological response, then, my friend, you don't believe you deserve all good things, and you do.

So it's worth exploring and going deeper.

And I'll tell you the the other thing is that I don't want anybody to think because a lot of people think, okay, well, you've got money, so you.

You don't understand.

I don't.

And I'll be the first to say it.

It has nothing to do with money.

It has nothing to do with, you know.

Well, they can say that because they're.

I have, I'm.

I was very, you know, I lived very low income my whole life up until, you know, just very recently when things started to change just a little bit.

So I'm.

It's not coming from someone that has money, that has the.

Can buy this and can buy that and can take care of this and take care of that.

My mind's coming from my heart and my.

And my, you know, it's advice coming from somebody that has actually been there, done that, and doesn't have, you know, and still don't have, you know, the stature or the ability to, you know, go get help for thousands of dollars.

So I don't want people to think that, you know.

Well, yes, they can, you know, because a lot of people are like, oh, of course they can do that because they've got money.

They've.

I don't.

And I.

And I wanted people to know that I'm down there with everybody else, like normal, a normal, fun, trying person trying to function.

You know what I mean?

I'm not saying this because, you know, I can or because I've had some miracle, you know, miraculous thing happen.

It's just I'm your everyday person and I can't afford a lot of the luxuries, you know, that are out there today.

But you can still be able to find yourself and to fix things.

Yeah.

You can wake up in the morning, be thankful for five things, look in the mirror and tell yourself you're love.

Yep, exactly.

I mean, that's a very easy place to start.

And it doesn't cost a penny to wake up in the morning and find five things that you're grateful for, look in the mirror and say, you are loved and you are worth it.

Yep.

So simple.

Yep.

Breathing.

I mean, that should tell you something.

Absolutely.

Breathing.

Yep.

And a lot of people don't.

I know, right.

Every single day.

So they don't and they don't and they should.

You know what I mean?

And it's just like, I feel like a lot of people are like, oh, you know, well, so and so could do this because they've got money to take care of this or they got, you know what I mean?

And it's it's not even about that.

It's just about, you know, and they're like, well, would they do that if they didn't have money?

I'm doing it.

I've done it.

And not only that, but I know some very, absolutely freaking miserable rich people.

Yep.

So it doesn't buy you happiness.

Yeah.

You know, it makes it a little easier to have access to some of the tools, but that's it.

And really, at the end of the day, y.

Everything you have is inside of you that you need.

You just.

You just need to search out and find it.

Somebody blew out that light, and you need to find.

Find it and relight it.

And if there were more people like you out there, you know, on TV and doing things like that, I think it'd be a better place just because, you know, it's.

You're not afraid to be.

You make it to where they're not afraid to be okay.

They're not afraid to be themselves.

They're not afraid to, you know.

Well, I grew up like that.

You know what I mean?

Like, and I think if there was more out there, like.

Like, you.

You know, it'd be easier and better for people to make adjustments and to.

To look into themselves and.

And, you know, start to be okay with how they are and not try to conform to what everybody else wants them to be.

Right.

Not try to be that perfect person.

Because, I mean, at the end of the day, it's okay to not be okay, because there's a lot of people that are not okay.

And you deserve to go out and find a way to be okay.

You know, whether.

And I.

And I agree, and I think whether you're toxic, whether.

Whether you're okay with being a toxic person or you're, you know, you want.

You're not okay with the entire.

As long as you're okay with yourself and you're confident in yourself and you.

Can you believe in what you're doing?

I think people will be okay.

Now, how other people perceive you, that's on them.

That's on them.

And that was my biggest deal, was learning that it was okay for somebody to perceive me a certain way.

Because that's not.

That's not my issue.

That's their issue.

That's how they're.

They're in.

You know, they're seeing things.

That's on them, not me.

Yeah.

That was the biggest thing that I learned is I'm just me.

And I'm very.

I'm very blunt.

I'm very, you know, outgoing.

I Just say things, you know, like it is.

Because there's no point in my head at this point.

Now I'm 44.

There's no point in saying something with candy, with candy coating.

There's no point because the truth is truth.

The facts are the facts.

It's not going to change no matter how you say it.

So I'm just very straightforward with things.

And I know a lot of people think it's abrasive and they can't handle it.

And that's unfortunate because that's, you know.

But again, that's not my problem to worry about.

And that was my biggest thing, was having to learn how to just breathe.

And go, okay, as long as you're not.

As long as you're not intentionally being nasty.

Like, if you're not intentionally hurting someone, if you have a thought or a feeling and you're not like really going out to hurt someone, then so be it.

I remember my daughter always says that.

My daughter says, yeah, I'm just like my mother, only I have a filter.

I've heard that so many times.

And I'm like, wow, I don't know if I like that, but I very good relationship with her.

So apparently it's not a bad thing.

So.

Well, I think it's just because, you know, there was a point in time, like when I was, I'm sure, right around the time you were growing up too, because you're probably same age.

Roughly around the same age as me.

We were able.

Much older than you.

We were able to say what we wanted to say to a point and not be.

It was encouraged.

And now I think we reverted back to.

It's not so much encouraged anymore.

It's encouraged to kind of go with the flow.

And I just don't, you know, that's.

I think a lot of it too, is people just have to conform.

They think they have to be a certain way to get by and you don't.

You know what I mean?

And it's just.

I mean, at the end of the day, what's normal?

There's no normal.

There is no normal.

You know, there's no normal.

I mean, dyslexia.

I mean, you know, it's just like, who doesn't these days?

Yeah.

Who.

Who does not have their issues?

I always, you know, being an adult child of dysfunction is now the majority, not the minority.

I know, right?

So.

Well, Kimberly, this is super fun.

So tell people where to get your book.

Remind them again the name of the book.

I don't want to go too long.

Here but yeah, it's going to be who am.

Who am I really do you know.

And it's on Amazon.

Okay.

And I am on Bookshelf.

And it's on ebook as well, too, so you can get it.

Should be able to get it through Amazon.

If you want an ebook or an audible book, you can get it there, too.

Sounds great.

And I will put the link in the show notes so people can grab that book because I can only imagine if it's anything like our conversation, it's heartfelt and it's raw and real.

So I got that.

That's cool.

And if anybody needs, if they feel like they need to talk, they can always just email me.

Okay.

Put that in there, too, if you want.

I'll put that in there.

Absolutely.

And so thank you so much for coming on.

Thank you.

You're very welcome.

Before you go, give the listeners one last piece of advice or you're.

I mean, you've been giving tidbits all throughout this entire episode, so.

But one last, like, words of wisdom.

You're never.

You're never alone.

There's.

You may have to do a little searching, but there's always somebody that will listen, always somebody that can advise you, always somebody that can just help, you know, hug you if you need it.

So just know that you're not alone.

Sounds great.

So for everybody else out there, that was Kim Conte, and we appreciate her so much for coming on.

And remember, just like she said, you're never alone.

And you are so, so much more than you ever will believe you are.

So know that you are worthy to have the absolute best life possible.

Thank you so much.

And we'll see you next week.

Thank you.