E 246:Healing Begins with Feeling: Emotional Awareness, Safe Spaces, and Self-Discovery with Danielle Zilg

All right.

Well, good morning, everybody, and welcome back.

I always say morning.

Actually, it is morning today, but usually I say it whether it's morning or not.

I don't know why I do that.

Now I do that, too.

But.

Welcome back to the Adult Childhood Dysfunction podcast, where we spread stories of hope.

And healing and love and joy.

So today we have with us Daniel Zil.

She's a marriage and family therapist in.

In the making.

She's a motivator, a mental health maven, student of life, wounded healer, hope merchant, change agent, beach bum, sunset seeker, summer girl, and the list goes on.

She is deeply passionate about all things mental health, creating safe space for feeling and healing and whole living.

And I have spoken to Danielle.

We.

I was actually just on her podcast, which.

What's the name of it again?

I'm sorry, I forgot.

Healing and healing.

Yep, Feeling, Healing.

So we are going to run these hopefully somewhat side by side and just share so much wisdom that Danielle has.

To share with us.

So welcome, Danielle.

Thank you so much, Tammy.

I appreciate you having me on.

Yeah.

So we, like I said, we have a conglomerate of things to talk about.

Just because you are.

We are in kind of the same space as so many of us are.

But I want you to talk about why you chose marriage and family therapy.

Yeah.

So it's so funny, everybody asked me this because I get that question a lot.

And quite frankly, I kind of just fell into it because I went to the university I'm going to in New Jersey.

I went there as an undergrad, and they had three psychology.

And I.

This is my change in my career.

So I worked in marketing for 14 years.

I just didn't feel like that was the environment for me anymore.

I didn't feel lit up.

And I was like, what?

I want to do something to help people.

And going through my own mental health challenges and seeking help myself, being in therapy, I was like, I would love to become a therapist.

So I just actually looked on the website of my university, and they offered three programs, and I just figured, all right, like, they've just general counseling, forensic, which I'm like, that's not me.

And then they offered marriage and family therapy.

And I was like, you know what?

Like, I've always really been interested in relationships and, you know, also to working with, like, different populations, like, obviously individuals, couples, family.

So I was like, let me choose marriage and family therapy.

And as I'm in the degree and as I'm learning more as a marriage and family therapist, I am in awe of how we are trained and it is.

I know you're in Florida.

I'm in New Jersey.

But actually in New Jersey, marriage and family therapy is not very big.

Social work is huge up here.

For some reason, I don't really know why, but the way marriage and family therapists are trained are.

We are trained to think very differently than a social worker than a licensed professional counselor.

And it's honestly very special.

And as I'm getting into this field, I was like, this is what I was meant to do, because, you know, a lot of.

A lot of therapists, even though, you know, I know, you know, no, no judgment or any.

Like, every therapist, LPCs, social workers are doing amazing work.

It's just such radical work.

When you can, you know, as you know from your story, I know from your story, when you can peel back the layers of generations and generations and how that impacts you, it's so powerful.

Very, very true.

And I.

That's what I was wondering.

I was wondering, like, did you get into the marriage and family therapy part because of your family, because parents, because of your own?

And it doesn't sound like that's the case at all, so.

Well, it's so funny you mentioned that because, like, I struggle just individually with, like.

And I was just.

I mean, I don't know if you know this or we shared this on my podcast, but I'm adopted.

So when I, like, I always thought.

I remember actually vividly when I was in high school, I was like, I was having a really bad, like, just mental health.

Like, I was really, really struggling with anxiety and actually went to the emergency room.

And when, you know, to potentially be put in, like, you know, like a psych program, I didn't end up doing it because they didn't, like, didn't meet the.

You know, I wasn't that severe, but my parents took me to the emergency room, and I remember somebody telling me, like, a therapist, or I don't know what designation they were.

They were like, oh, you're adopted.

Like the.

And they were like, when did you come here?

Like, the timing.

And I was like, oh.

Like, I kind of just brushed it off.

I was like, what are they talking about?

Because I was like, I was adopted to, like, the most loving family.

I was welcomed unconditionally in my family.

But as I'm in this program because, you know, you learn a lot about yourself.

It's called self, the therapist.

I'm realizing the impact that that moment had on my life because of my training and because how we're taught to look at.

What I'm sure you're aware of is like, attachment styles.

And that is basically in the womb till, like, you know, your first year, you know, your early, very early development and the relationship you have with your caregiver really does impact how you are in relationships as an adult.

Absolutely.

So, like, I was like, oh, yeah, like, my parents, my adopted parents, I'm like, they're great.

Like, why would I have potential abandonment issues?

And through my process of becoming a therapist, I'm learning.

I'm like, just because of that one instance in my life that was me being taken from my birth mother at a very young age.

That's not, you know, typical because, you know, normally you stay with, you know, the person that gives birth that you give birth to or that gives you life.

That one little moment, it has impacted me as a person, and I can't deny it.

And I had to confront it, but.

And I'm, you know, had to do my work on it.

But, like, it.

Before entering this program, I was kind of just like, oh, yeah, no big deal.

I was adopted.

Like, who cares?

You know?

Right.

And we have.

Actually, I'll.

I don't know the exact.

I was just looking to see the exact episodes because I have several episodes on people that do.

They are coaches and they do therapy, people that are adopted and just because of that adoption trauma.

And you're right, there's so much more to it than just, you know, everybody just assumes.

And it's the naivety of the world that everybody assumes as long as the adopted parent or adoptee, the parents that adopt the child are good to the child, that there is no attachment wound or there is no trauma.

But I mean, yes, you're right.

There's.

And it goes.

It goes.

There's so much to it.

And again, like, Google the science.

Like, there's science to the DNA breakage and there's science to all of that and to how that would change, really, your.

Your sense of self and your sense of identity and your sense of security and everything else.

But no, that's.

That's pretty good.

And it is a fascinating topic because when I did my summit last year in December, people came on and they're like, oh, I want to talk about adoption trauma.

And I'm like, that's a thing.

It is, yeah.

Like, I was shocked, but wow, when I really got down and talked to someone about it, it's.

It's.

It's definitely something.

So if you're out there and you're going, oh, wow, maybe.

Maybe we're not saying if you're adopted.

You're messed up.

That's not what we're saying.

No, no, no, no, no.

You know, we're just saying that there are some inherent wounds, emotional wounds that will follow with you unless something is done about them or unless you become aware and, you know, go through it.

But that.

Yeah.

So I just assume when anybody goes into family and physic, you know, marriage and family counseling, I just.

Or therapy, my assumption is always other parents were messed up and they just need to learn.

They.

Because, you know, it seems like people get into healing.

Heal?

Yeah, you want to heal which wounded in you.

So you learn.

And that's what usually fascinates people.

And I know you actually even called yourself the wounded healer.

Talk about that.

Oh, yeah.

So, I mean, I just.

And I will say I have.

I'm very lucky, actually.

And that's maybe like, you know, I think sometimes you, as you mentioned, like, people that be.

Go into marriage and family therapy, sometimes, I've heard, like, they feel like the black sheep of the family.

Like, they feel like they're like.

Like everybody else is different.

And I'm.

Why am I like this?

If you know what I mean?

Everybody else is like that.

But I will definitely say I know myself well enough.

Like, I am an empath.

I have big emotions.

I have.

I'm.

Have a big heart.

I will attribute that to my mother, my adopted mother.

I just, you know, nature versus nurture.

I learned the core values from her.

And unfortunately, of course, I feel like everybody in their life, if you have made it to a certain point in your life, have been hurt by other people, situations.

I'm thinking of my adopted mother.

She passed away when I was in my early 20s.

So that grief, when I tell you, like, hurt.

I don't think I'm.

I mean, I'm.

You're never over grief.

Grief is something that carries with you and it's a process and it will never be done.

But that, like, wound.

Because, you know, if you think about it, and I didn't even think about this one.

And it taught me.

My program taught me this.

I've lost two mothers in my life.

My.

My birth mother and my adopted mother.

So when my adopted mother passed away, it hit me, like, so hard, like, fell into a deep, deep, deep depression, like, major depressive disorder, like, depression.

And I was like, what is going on?

But, like, that was my body telling me, like, this is a huge.

Like, it was almost like, you know, like putting salt over a trauma, A core wound, because I have a core abandonment wound.

And even though my mother, of course, like, it wasn't.

She passed away out of circumstance.

It wasn't like, you know, she didn't willingly go out of this world, but that really.

And that's when I was like, whoa.

Like, and unfortunately and relationally, because as marriage and family therapists, we are relational thinker, relational thinkers, and relational therapists in relationships with friendships, romantic relationships.

I have been unfortunately, like, I feel like taken advantage of or not seen or, you know, not valued.

And I'm like, though, and those wounds run deep, as you said.

They're, they're self, you know, they're so I, you know, I don't want.

I'm done self abandoning.

I did that.

No more because, you know, I really had to rebuild my identity and my relationship with myself from going through some, you know, some rocky friendships.

Absolutely.

Talk about how tell the audience, because I know a lot of people are going, oh, wait, self abandonment.

I'd heard that term.

You know, a lot of the people that listen to podcasts, it's like all of a sudden they become acutely aware and I don't ever want to leave anybody hanging.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So what are some of the things that you did to stop the self abandonment?

I think so.

I think the first one is that like, I will.

I. I used, I work with this with my clients.

It's the first thing I do.

It's in order to know yourself, abandoning yourself, you have to be self aware.

So for me, it's like, I, I'm not a quid pro quo person.

Like, I'm not, like, I don't sit here and keep tallies of like, you know, Tammy did this for me and I did this for her.

Like, but when I feel.

It's like a feeling I get that kind of like, I'm like, Danielle, like, you're not being true to yourself right now.

Like, I'm doing a behavior, I'm doing something or I'm overextending myself.

And actually this happened to me yesterday.

Like, I was exhausted yesterday.

Like, physically exhausted.

Like, I was like, I actually, like, I hate to say this, like, I like gotten other stressors in life going on.

But like, I think I, like, I was my.

Because I'm having car issues right now and my dad was driving me to class because, you know, I don't have a car.

And I was literally falling asleep in the car.

Like, that's like, like at like 4:30.

Like, I was like, that's how tired I was.

But I think self abandonment is.

And it's I think it's different for everybody.

I mean in general it's when you're putting off your own needs and your own, you know, you know, internal, you know, self for external people or external validation.

But when you truly abandon yourself and I think it's when for me it always goes down to core values.

So it's like I, when I, I know I'm abandoning myself when I'm not true to my values and, or if somebody does something that is, you know, I have to look at myself and say, hey, this doesn't feel right.

Like you, you know, like I, I don't want to.

Like I, you know, and then, then you go through the process of, you know, thinking about it and you know, if you want to go through with it.

But I think it's just any time that you don't feel you're making an action, a thought, anything that doesn't feel true to yourself because something external is impacting you.

Okay.

So I mean in general it's just if you question it, if, if you have that feeling, because you're going to do that if somebody, you know, if you're on the way, let's say and this happens, has happened to me, if I'm on the way to go walk on the beach and I just want a little bit of quiet time and somebody calls me and says, hey, can you work?

And I'm like, oh, I don't want to work.

But then I'm like, oh yeah, you know, and I rationalize it and I stop what I'm doing and I go to work and I'm miserable about it.

And I, you know, of course it's always nice to make money because you're working, but it's like, why did I do that?

Why would I do that?

Like I was on the way to enjoy myself, to do something for me.

And, and that goes back to a lot of times that goes back to that people pleasing and that, you know, but that's, we all do it.

But it's a matter of being able to nip it quick enough that you, that thought and you feel that feeling like, oh, I really don't want to do this.

You don't, you know, and I tell people, you are a grown ass woman.

You do not have to explain to anybody why your decisions are your decisions.

Yeah, absolutely.

And I think, I think the thing is too is like you make a great point.

Like it goes back to like impact.

So I always say like what's so like if you're in your situation, like that happens to me too.

Like, sometimes I'll be like, oh, I want to do a little thing.

But yes, some.

A client will call or I'm really feeling really creative at the moment, and I think it's okay.

I think it's okay.

I think there's a scale of like, self abandonment, like those little things, like, you know what I mean?

If this doesn't have a huge impact on you, you know.

Yeah.

You can move through them, but keep in mind that they do compound.

So if you keep on doing those little things, it will, you know, go.

Come and become something bigger like Snowball.

But it something that, like, you know, you mentioned the beach.

Like, the beach is like my sacred space.

And if you mess up, like my beach time, like that.

But that's me.

You know what I mean?

Like, so that to me is a deep.

Like a deep thing.

So I will not.

I will set a boundary if it.

Because that for me is, you know, abandoning something that I need in my life.

I need that piece.

I need that.

So I think it's very.

It's very situational, but it comes down to, you know, I think, like, identity and what you value because, you know, you know, of course life is gonna happen.

You know what I mean?

Like, we are adults.

We're adults.

We have responsibilities.

Like.

Like, for instance, like, you know what I like, it's just like.

And people that have children, of course, like, I'm not saying, you know, don't, you know, don't do what you're.

You know, I get it.

When your mother is, you know, that's kind of the.

The nature of being a mom is unfortunately putting sometimes your needs on the back burner because your kids need you.

Like, that's not self abandonment, but it.

When I think when you start to feel that, like, almost it's like.

I call it, like, it's almost like inner.

For me, it comes up as like inner resentment.

It's like, oh, like, why did I do that?

Well, it goes.

Yeah, it goes back to the guilt.

Like, it goes bad.

You're feeling guilty about something, and guilt and shame are like the.

At the core.

Every wound I ple.

I believe.

Oh, yeah.

Yep.

Yeah.

You know, so you keep mentioning core values.

So if you had to tell someone.

Okay, so I'm hypothetically just walking into therapy for the first time, and.

And you and Danielle says to me, I mean, this is hypothetical and actually this is happening, and somebody, you know, like, like, well, what do you care about?

What are your core values?

Like, who is Tammy?

What if hypothetically, I say I have no idea, which is where.

Which is very, very, very common for people that have gone through whole childhoods of self abandonment and.

And just not knowing.

Just basically being told who and what, where and why.

How do you help them kind of figure that out?

Yeah, no, that's a great, great question.

I think it starts.

So I do a lot of self work with those people.

I know.

I believe we talked about this maybe on my podcast or not.

I talk about it all the time because I love it.

Especially with individuals with, you know, potential trauma or, you know, big T, little T. I do.

I like to use internal family systems.

So really figuring out which is for those of you who don't know on the call.

Internal family systems is a model of therapy where you look at a person and you look at them like they're a system.

So you look at them.

You have a core self.

You have your protective parts, which are managers and firefighters, which come out when like you're triggered.

Or like for instance, a manager for me is anxiety.

Like, it just is a feeling that comes out.

If I feel a little threat or if I'm not comfortable, it comes out.

A firefighter is kind of like a first responder.

They come out like, you know, maybe it could be anger.

It could be also like firefighters are like, are really bad coping mechanisms.

Like I know you mentioned, you obviously are for a firefighter, for your mom was alcohol, like drinking.

You know what I mean?

Like, when she was feeling a certain way and then you have your.

Yeah, she was feeling alive.

Yeah.

Oh, geez.

Oh, God.

Yeah.

So she would need a certain way.

So I would.

I try.

So the exercise, I guess based.

And then what I try to do there is because it.

So we.

We have you.

And you made a great point.

Because it.

The people that come in like that, unfortunately, I.

What I see is that their whole lives are protective parts.

So.

So I really try to peel back those layers to be like, when was the last time you felt like, calm there?

Which is me.

I have like a.

He has these eight Cs that are like connected to your core self.

It's like calm, connected, confident.

I can't let.

I forget them all, to be honest.

But it's like I work on that.

Like, when's the last time you felt really good about yourself?

What were you doing?

Who were you around?

Like, to really define that?

Because you.

In order to find a core value, you need to know your core self.

So.

And I think unfortunately, when people do, like you said, the situations where people come in and they, they've been conditioned their whole lives to, you know, not know.

We really, it's a lot of work to peel back those.

I call that, you know, protective parts.

I mean, we all have them.

Right?

Right.

And yes.

So it's just basically.

And that's kind of very similar to what I do with my people.

I will just basically say, let's pict most amazing day picture.

Exactly, you know, picture, you know, who are the people you're with?

What are they?

Like, what are their values?

What's going on?

What is the mood?

What is the tone where you know, what is like, what is going on?

Like, describe that in as much detail as you can with words, with adjectives.

Happy and loyal and, and honest.

And you know, and then it's like, okay, now picture the opposite.

Picture yourself in some situations where you do get that gut punch and you're like, okay, this doesn't feel good.

Like, what are those people?

Like, what are they doing?

What are they talking about?

Like, and then you have your list kind of you.

And then you can kind of narrow it down from there.

And then it's like very easy if people are like, I don't know.

When something goes, oh, I don't like that.

9 times out of 10, 10 times out of 10 actually you can look at that list and go, oh, that is on my list of ew.

And so it's like you can very easily then.

And that's when you go in to start.

Obviously you're working on boundaries at every point in your healing always.

But you can say, hey, I want to be with this side of the list.

And if you are not, it's very easy to say.

It's not an.

It's a non negotiable.

You know, it's like you go on a date and if honesty is one of your core values because you spent your whole life being lied to and you just want people to be honest with you no matter what the story is.

And you go on a date and there's three little small white lies in the very first date or the stories contradict a couple times, you know, and anything you go, it's like, red flag.

Nope, done.

Like, so again, you know, I always go back to non negotiables because.

Or because you don't have to explain that.

You don't have to say, well, there was a couple red flags and, and it didn't align with my core values.

You just know in your mind this isn't the person for me because it' not who I want to be around.

Period.

Yeah.

100.

Yeah.

I wholeheartedly agree with you.

But also too I want to like validate for your reader, for your readers.

Excuse me, your audience.

I've been reading a lot so I'm like my readers.

Your, your audience that like it's something that it's a skill.

Like it doesn't, you know what I mean?

You have to develop this like it's and it's, and it's ongoing.

You know what I mean?

It's like, and you know, you gave a perfect example like on a date.

Like you know, and also too I always, I always also to look into my body.

Your, I've noticed in my healing journey and my, your mind can play tricks on you because of course you know what I mean.

Like you know, I know like just the way our brains are wired.

But your body will always tell you like if you're sensing a little, you know, if you're maybe a little anxious, like I always say anything that is meant for you in your life will feel like a breath of fresh air.

Like you'll feel calm, you will feel at peace because and if you think about it, we're mammals like anxiety fight or flight.

Like what happens when you know, you know, back in the day, like our caveman brains, like when they saw a tiger or whatever, whatever a threat.

That's what anxiety is.

So if any fear based feeling will trigger anxiety.

So if you're, if your body is feeling tense and just you feel uncomfortable like that's your signal before your brain says like hey, that I always try to lean into like my bodily like reactions first around, especially around people because we're all, you know, energy and I'm like, and if I know like, I mean trust me, I'm working on this.

It has, I haven't always been like this because clearly as I mentioned being an empath, I.

I, I always, I, I like to think and maybe call me naive, call me, you know, whatever, but I really do feel like there is good in everybody.

It's just a matter of like peeling it back or taking it back.

But I have to realize and I've told myself to this and being a therapist and working with people and being a coach, you have to let them do that work you like, you know what I mean?

You can't work harder than them because if you do, it might impact, you know, the work they're in our work.

Right.

And you're, I mean especially being an empath, you're going to absorb all that energy and that's probably one of the hardest things especially.

And I know there's a lot of people out there listening that again, these are words that people that are just now being thrown, I mean, not just now, but recently being thrown away around as these.

You know, you're hearing the word narcissist, you're hearing the word empath, you're hearing the word highly sensitive person.

Like you never used to feel the hear these words.

So people that are now hearing them.

You know, go on, literally just go on a podcast and listen.

You type in empaths or how to be.

How to navigate as an empath because it is very, you know, it is a very different.

When you're feeling experience, you're feeling other people's energy and it literally can be draining.

And sometimes like you, I mean, you mentioned the, the time that you just were so exhausted.

It is absolutely exhausting when you're not being able to discern or you're just taking in too much of other people's energy.

Yeah.

You know, and there's so much you can do.

You can.

I, I like to tell people that because there's, I mean, I literally took a whole like 70 hour course on literally just nothing but how to collect clear negative energy.

Other people's negative energy.

Yeah.

And it's pendulums and body testing and you know, it's all this muscle testing and all this stuff.

But at the end of the day, if you can't do it, it's exhausting.

So the best clue and yes, I agree 100 with you is listen to your body.

Your body does not lie.

Oh, 100.

And I will say everything that yesterday when I felt exhausted, it was not from any, I know, from negative energy.

It was almost was like they call, they call had.

They have a term in therapy called compassion fatigue.

And it's because we, because we and you as a coach, as coaches, we care about our clients.

Like we actually invest, we emotionally invest in them.

So that's a different experience than if you.

And no, you know, no judgment or if you just go to work every day and you're just typing in an Excel documents, like that's a different experience than working with physical people.

You know, when you're working with people, and I mean in general, even at work, even if you are just typing in Excel documents like you are and hopefully interacting with people at work.

So whenever you're with people, you're interacting with feelings and, you know, energy and all that stuff.

So it, it does take a toll.

But I will say that in my life right now, unfortunately, I have like three people that have, like, somebody's husband is dying, the other person's brother is dying.

Like the hobby.

We were just talking about the hurricane, Hurricane Melissa that went through Puerto Rico before this podcast.

Like, I have friends that, a friend's mom has a house there.

And it's like, while they are little things, like, I have compassion, I hold compassion towards them.

And there it was just a lot.

At one, it was just yesterday, I just kind of hit me, I was like, wow, there's a lot going on today.

Yeah, no, it is, it can be emotionally draining.

It really can.

And that's, you know, I, I say that all the time.

Like, if you at three o' clock in the afternoon, all of a sudden you've been had a rough day and you feel like you need a nap, by golly, take a nap, lay down 20 minutes, close your eyes, meditate, do whatever.

Just relax.

Yeah, I was getting a massage yesterday, and it was funny because I was at this place and the person that was kind of next to us a little bit, like, it was not like I could just feel the tension on her.

So I'm sitting here trying to get a massage and I could just, like, it was like, it was like she was radiating stress, like, when I tell you.

And so I said to the lady that was doing the massage, and I, I, I said it kind of out loud, maybe hoping that other lady would be like, oh, I better kill myself.

Yeah, you know what I mean?

Because I was like, I'm sitting here trying to get a massage, and you're like.

But anyway, so I said, like, what do you do when other people, I mean, you absorb so much.

I mean, she is a true healer and she absorbs so much of the people, like, their energy.

So I literally, I said to her, I said, so what kind of energy am I putting off?

Like, are you okay with this?

And I was, I was not.

Was not sending that message to my massage person.

I was sending it to the lady across the hall there that was just totally stressed out.

And it was so funny.

And she did, she said, no, she said, I've been doing this so long that I am able to open up that extra space.

And my, what did she call it?

I don't know.

But anyway, her energy comfort zone basically was so large that she could let other people's energy in and not have it affect hers at all.

And that's really, as a healer, that's what you're doing.

You're making space, you're making that extra space and making your zone of comfort or whatever bigger so that you can.

You can absorb that energy and.

And not have it affect you.

Yeah, but to your point about the woman getting the massage, like, that's why self care is so important.

That was me get.

It was me getting the massage.

Oh, it was the lady.

Oh, I thought you said this.

Sorry, I misunderstood.

My apologies.

I was getting the massage and the lady next to me was like talking and she had.

We were at like a vendor's market kind of thing and I was laying on the little massage table, but the lady next to me was so anxious and like, I was.

Hey, you felt it?

You felt.

I was feeling it.

I was like, I need my little pendulum.

I need to be able to fight this.

Like, I was like, I'm like trying to relax.

And it was just.

It was a lot.

It was overwhelming for just a minute.

And then.

So that's why I started that conversation, to try to get that other lady.

And she did.

She heard what was going on and she kind of.

I saw her take a couple deep breaths and I was like, okay, good.

Yeah, no, and I think that's a great point you bring up too, because I was actually just having.

The other day I was having a.

Recording, a podcast episode for my podcast, and like, I was just having like a crazy day.

Like, I just felt like I was just like rushed and I just took like, before that we.

I recorded this episode with this woman.

I just sat there for like, literally 10 seconds and just.

Just like took a couple of like, deep breaths and that, like, totally reset me.

And if you try to find those, like, I've like, micro moments through the day to just do something, and it doesn't have to be deep breathing.

It could be whatever works for you.

It could be going for a walk.

It could be taking.

Not being on a screen.

It could be, you know, just, you know, drinking some water, like, you know, water, you know, like, it could be anything that just resets you.

I think that helps.

It was like, so simple, but it helped me, like, so tremendously.

Like, and it impacted the rest of my, like the rest of the day I was good.

Like, so those little resets, I think are so important to do when you, like immediately, you know.

Oh, yeah, don't like, let it slide, you know.

Right.

And you're literally bringing me back to so many of my different episodes because I.

A whole episode, almost like, how to reset in 30 seconds.

This girl comes on.

It doesn't take long.

No, the 30 seconds throughout the day where you just Take a deep breath.

Or you just close your eyes and just literally look back and forth.

Like just have your eyes travel back and forth, back and forth, back and forth.

I mean, that's so just calming to your nervous system.

Humming a song.

I mean, I, I love this because I'm sure the listeners like, oh, what can I do in 30 seconds to reset?

But breathing, you mentioned breathing.

Looking back and forth, yawning, making yourself yawn, or humming.

Because that all stimulates that vagus nerve.

Yes.

You know, anything that you can do that is like vibrational in your body.

A little shake, shake it off.

Yep.

Anything vibrational is good for your body.

And then if you can't, sometimes it's, you know, you're not going to sit there in an office and be like, you know, I, I would personally, I.

Know I, I have no shame.

I would definitely do that.

There's no shame in that for me.

But you know, if you're in a situation where it doesn't seem appropriate, you know, it's like anything.

Wiggle your toes and be conscious of your toes on the floor or in your shoes.

You know, just really.

That's enough.

That's another set to reset is just being conscious of anything.

Any sense.

So like they do the 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 method.

Yeah.

The grounding techniques, but those are important.

Like if you're sitting in church and you're getting anxious or something, it's like, feel your feet, you know, feel your calf muscles.

That's another one I really like.

Especially if you walk a lot and move a lot and then all of a sudden you're made to sit still.

Is doing that starting at the bottom of your feet and clenching every muscle and then relaxing it and then going in calves and relaxing it.

And then your cat, you know, your thighs and relax it.

By the time you get up to your shoulders and you're tightening your shoulders and relaxing you really almost asleep.

That's awesome.

I love that.

Yeah, that's a good one.

So.

So.

Wow.

We.

Okay.

Look at all those little tips.

That's.

I know, I know.

My biggest one.

I will say.

Sorry, I didn't mean to cut you off.

No, go for it.

My biggest one, honestly in.

And I'm, you know, we were just talking.

I'm a warm weather person.

But even when it's winter, go outside.

Like if you have two seconds, like even for like five minutes and just breathe.

Like go out.

Like be not in a room.

Like just go into.

Like, it doesn't even have to be.

Like nature could just Be like, outside in the world, like in your environment.

You know, I think just going outside is super important.

Like, you know, even if it's just for a couple minutes or even a minute, 30 seconds.

30 anything.

I'm really big on that.

I am really bad about drinking water, and I know I have to, but I'm really bad about it.

So if I'm sitting and I know it's going to be a long day doing podcasts, I'll set my alarm and I will go and I will grab a glass of water and I will just go outside and stand with my water.

Sometimes I don't even drink it, which is really not good.

But.

But stare at.

Just put my face in the sun.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Vitamin D. Yep.

And they say for people that have, like, sleeping problems and everything that is the most critical thing to do is within one hour of waking is to get outside.

Really.

Okay.

Because it's re.

It's resets your circadian rhythm.

Oh, inch.

Very interesting.

Yep.

Your body has a very natural rhythm that it does things, and if it can see sunlight within an hour of waking, it resets that whole process.

Interesting.

And you know who told me that it wasn't a healer?

It wasn't.

Well, it was.

It was a doctor, but when I had my stroke, it was the neurologist.

Really very.

And she told.

Yes, she told me, you want to heal faster.

Get outside every morning as soon as you wake up.

The first thing you do within an hour, get the vitamin D and get the sunlight in your face then.

And I thought that was interesting.

But, yeah, it is very interesting because I actually a meeting with.

She's a therapist and a sleep coach, and I wonder.

She works with people to help them, you know, obviously, you know, monitor their sleep.

Get great, get better sleep.

Because sleep, I will say sleep is one of the most important things for your mental health.

Like getting good sleep.

Yeah.

That's when your brain just, you know, like, gets rid of all the nonsense of the day.

It's your time.

And, like, I've been in points in my life where, like, I've struggled with sleep pretty much my whole adult life, which probably why I should probably hire this sleep coach.

But I can tell my mental state, my body, when I don't get enough sleep.

Like, it impacts me very, very, very deeply.

Well, it's funny, when I had my stroke, they.

That's when they found out I was in the ICU and I was right outside of the nurse's station, and that's when they realized how bad my Sleep apnea was.

And I never knew it.

And so I went through the sleep study and everything and they said I was.

I stopped breathing 32 times an hour for on average 26 seconds of time, which meant that 25 of my life I was gasping for breath, like while I was sleeping.

Yeah, it was absolutely crazy.

So the best I had felt, and people laugh at me so hard when I say this, but I had a full blown stroke on a Monday.

The best I felt in about 20 years was Wednesday morning when I woke up because they gave me you actually.

Yeah, you were actually.

They gave me.

Yep.

They gave me that CPAP machine in the hospital.

And you would have thought two days after a stroke I would have been like, you know.

Yeah, yeah.

Like, no, I was like, yeah, my.

No, my husband was like, are you gonna talk this much the rest of your life?

That's so funny.

Well, that's amazing.

I mean like, as.

I hate that you, I hate that you had to experience such a, you know, scary health issue.

But you know, that's why that's a, that's crazy.

That, yeah.

Oh my God.

That you.

Yeah, it was a blessing.

I mean, even the cardiologist was like, just that sleep pattern alone will give you a stroke.

Your brain is literally starved.

Starving for oxygen.

Yeah.

Starving for oxygen.

And it's not resetting like you said.

That's where all of your thoughts, all of your experiences, all of your emot.

Everything for the day gets reorganized while you're sleeping.

It's like I, it's like you get like, not like, I wouldn't say wiped clean, but that's, yeah, that's when you get all the, the stuff out.

And that's why I think too, like, you know, when I think about like parenting and new parents that don't sleep and their sleep cycles are all off, I'm like, that's the most important time.

You know what I mean?

Because you, you're, you know, like, it's like I feel I, my heart goes out to them.

I have a lot of empathy because, you know, I, I, I don't have children, but I know people and friends of mine and it's like I tell them, I'm like, try as much as you can.

Just sleep because you need it.

Like, and also too something that I think my therapist told me or I just know from research, like, you have sleep debt.

And it's like just so like, let's say for like edit it.

It doesn't like, like sleeping about.

Like, you know, like, it, you're pretty Much.

Always.

I feel like as human beings, we're always like in a sleep deficit.

Like, like it's not, you know, it's not like one to one.

It's like, you know what I mean?

Like, it's.

Our sleep is.

We're pretty much always in a sleep deficit, which is very unfortunate because if you don't sleep well for like two nights and then you sleep well for a night, like, you're still in a deficit.

Even though you might feel okay that fourth day, you're still in a sleep deficit.

So, like, in order to really catch up on your sleep, like, I'm sure all of us would have to sleep for like months.

You know, I'm a sleeper.

I have to tell you, I love me some sleep.

I love me some sleep.

Oh, my gosh.

Well, Danielle, this has been so much fun.

I literally, I have so many more questions I want to ask you.

I'm gonna have to bring you back for another episode.

Yeah.

Because I.

We have so many.

Yeah.

You were on my podcast.

I could talk.

I feel like we could do this again.

We'll do this again for sure.

We will definitely do this again.

So if people want to work with you, tell.

Tell us about how that looks.

What does that look like?

You.

Where they go to find me or just like my.

Where they go to find you and what you do you have.

Yeah, absolutely.

Some of the best way, if you want to work with me is go to my website, Danielle zmft.com I have actually self paced programs if you want.

If you feel like, you know, maybe you just want to learn a little bit about yourself.

And they can do kind of online courses or I have personalized custom, which is I like to call your path.

It's different paths that.

And there's some options there.

In my website, I'm also on all the socials, so Instagram, LinkedIn, Facebook, X.

You know, you can find me anywhere.

My handles.

Danielle Zmft.

Okay.

Perfect.

Okay.

And I'm gonna.

First of all, thank you so much for coming on.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Now, I'm gonna put you on the spot here because I want.

Oh, boy.

One big picture, words of wisdom.

Something that the audience can carry with them throughout the day to make their day a little better.

If you could tell them one thing, what would it be?

One thing.

Oh.

So I actually, it's so funny I said this on another.

I was on somebody else's podcast the other day and I'm gonna use the same thing because it's.

I think it's so powerful.

So be very cognizant of I am statements and I feel statements.

So when you say, oh my gosh, I'm anxious right now versus I feel anxious when you're, when you're having a feeling.

I'm going to try to empower everybody to use I feel statements because those that statement is number one, recognize the feeling.

You're then processing it.

And also I feel is not tied to your identity.

I am statements are tied to your identity.

So if you are saying I am even me saying this now, I'm actually kind of cringing like I am anxious, I am fearful, I am doubtful.

You're tying that to you, who you are.

And that's not who you are.

That's what not if you're saying negative things.

Right?

Yeah, that's what you're feeling, but that's not who you are.

But if you want to say like I am confident, of course, go for it.

I, you know, I am whole.

I am, you know, abundant.

I mean, yes.

Say though all those I state all the positive I statements, but especially when it comes to feelings and negative feelings or just feelings of self doubt or just stress because we all live in a crazy world.

Try to use I feel statements because you'll see I my world, you, you feel the impact of it.

You know, you, because you're not, you're not your current state.

Feelings are fleeting.

There shouldn't be tied to your identity.

Right.

Absolutely.

Good advice.

I love that I just put a post up the other day and it was like how powerful your words are and what you say to yourself makes all the difference in your life.

All the difference.

Well, they say.

Oh, sorry, no, go ahead, go ahead.

They say they call it spelling for a reason because you're casting spells.

Is spelling.

Yep, absolutely.

Well, thank you so much again for coming on.

I appreciate you.

I appreciate you too, Tammy.

It's been a pleasure.

Yes.

And for everybody else out there listening, I know we were all over the place, but that's just how it goes when you have so many fun things to talk about.

I'm going to have to have Danielle back on here.

We're going to have to talk about more.

I love getting into the energy conversations with her.

I know we, we are true believers in the fact that we are all energy and I would love for everybody, you know, check out the show notes, grab Danielle's, go check her out.

And also if you are interested in a free energy scan to see where you sit energetically, I am more than welcome to give you one.

So check that out in the show notes, too.

And you all have a blessed day, and we will see you back next week.

Bye.