E 231 : Breaking Generational Patterns: Healing and Boundaries, Guest: Alyssa Scarano

Well, good morning everybody and welcome back to another episode of Adult Child of Dysfunction.

Today we have with us a very special guest and someone that after reading all of her stuff and looking at her because I kind of creep on some of my guests sometimes, I'll be honest, it just seems like we have so much in common.

So I'm so looking forward to this conversation.

Her name is Alyssa Scarano.

She is an lpcncc, is the founder and clinical director of, of the Collective Therapy and Wellness.

She is known for her empathetic and compassionate approach.

Her view, she views her work as a profound privilege, an opportunity to be invited into the most intimate and vulnerable parts of her clients lives.

She specializes in relationships.

She is dedicated to helping individuals heal from childhood trauma, break generational patterns and cultivate meaningful, authentic connections with others by first supporting them in fostering self compassion.

Doesn't that sound great?

So welcome Alyssa.

Thank you so much, Tammy for having me.

I'm really excited to be here today.

Yeah, the more I read over your stuff, I was like, oh my gosh, that's a great question.

I would ask that.

Oh my gosh.

As I was just talking about that today, you know, it just seemed like everything I read was more and more in touch with what and more and more in tune with what I do.

And I absolutely love it, especially that you end it with the self compassion thing.

Because I'm actually speaking on, I believe and I should actually write the talk, but I think it's next Wednesday for the national association of Children of Alcoholics and for, for them on self, the importance of self compassion.

Because that's a big one.

Yeah, that's a big one.

So let's, I'm going to dive right in.

I like to just jump right into the meat of it.

We're going to get your history and we'll hear lots and lots about your stories and everything as we kind of talk.

But I want to go back and just ask, you know, you mentioned generational trauma a couple different times in what I, in what I read.

So was that something that you've experienced?

Yeah, I mean to a degree.

I think that we all have these little learnings and socialization or even just family dynamics that we carry on with, you know, through the subconscious without realizing it and then recreate those patterns, you know, and so obviously to varying degrees depending on the circumstances and the environment and the parent or caregiver support that's available at the time when we're kids, you know, I, I definitely have my, my own story and my own Experiences that have shaped who I am.

And so.

And I think a lot of us do.

Right.

So it's a matter of looking at that a little bit.

And.

And how do I, you know, gain a little bit more autonomy over, you know, my life rather than these stories or these patterns kind of dictating it for me.

And.

But yeah, yeah, I have had my own, you know, I. I grew up in a, you know, some.

A family of dysfunction in the sense of.

We didn't really talk about emotions, which is funny because now I do.

They're at the heart of everything that I do, and there's so much power there.

And I was parentified.

I really had a lot of hyper independence growing up.

There really wasn't anybody there to teach me or support me in those ways.

When it came to big emotions, when it came to a lot of the struggles of what it's like to be a child and then a preteen and a teen.

And.

Yeah, as I've grown up, I can see that emerge in different times.

And so my goal is to really help people, you know, feel empowered over those patterns and make changes in their lives.

That's.

And also.

Absolutely.

And also just know that the pattern's there because we.

If you grew up in that kind of dysfunction, it's your normal.

You don't know, and you don't know what you don't know.

So I tell people, we were always on a show the other day, and the.

The gentleman that was on it was a psychiatrist, and he was talking and he was like, well, I choose to be happy every day.

And I.

Everybody has that choice.

And I choose to look at the bright side.

And I choose no matter what it is and everything else.

But I'm like.

But for people that grew up in this lens of everything is bad, bad things are always going to happen.

And if I do feel, even sometimes, and correct me if I'm wrong, but I felt like even if I experienced a moment of joy, it was quickly smashed.

And sometimes it was even, what are you so happy about?

There's nothing to be that happy about.

And I remember when I think back about how many times my parents said to me, there's nothing that you should be happy about.

Like what?

Yeah, yeah.

I mean, what the learning is there, right, is that I don't have permission to be happy.

I can't be happy about this.

Like something bad will happen, you know.

So you.

Yeah, absolutely.

That becomes a whole worldview.

Yeah, absolutely.

And talk about how with the especially.

I mean, I know a lot of People that are listening to this podcast, I do know I get a lot of feedback, and a lot of them are kind of in the beginning of this healing journey.

So they're like, wow, that she said something that really resonated with me, and it felt like she was talking to my soul.

I have people tell me that all the time.

You were talking through my soul.

And I'm like, oh, I'm sorry.

But, I mean, I guess that's a good thing because I always say, also, I never want to leave anybody trauma or, you know, traumatized or triggered.

But we're not always aware of these patterns because, like I said, because it's all we know.

But talk about how with some of your people or even with yourself, it shows up what it looks like that you might have be going through some generational trauma.

Right.

Like, how can I recognize that this is something affected me?

Yeah.

And I will be honest with you, is that I don't think a lot of us really know like, that there's.

Okay, there are some learnings here from childhood.

There are some patterns that I am carrying on from when I was a kid and then, you know, passed on from my parents as well.

And in.

In terms of how to recognize it, it is tricky because it can manifest as, like, I am so angry with my spouse.

I, you know, I'm so resentful.

And really, what that we boil it down and we look at it well, that resentment, like, is coming from within.

In what way am I shape shifting, self abandoning, you know, not speaking my truth, not sticking up for myself?

And.

And where did I learn to do that?

Why has it become such a necessity?

And that anger is now being put on to my partner.

Right.

And does it really belong there?

Maybe some of it, yeah.

But, you know, is that resentment really about, like.

Yeah, a caregiver or somebody who was important to me that didn't allow me to use my voice?

You know, there wasn't space for me to use my voice, and that's really what's sticking.

So it is hard to recognize unless we just really have the knowing that a lot of our belief systems and early learnings do really come from early childhood.

Childhood.

That is the one thing that I will say is that if we look at, you know, the things that we're often thinking about or our reactions to things, then that's where we can begin to become a little bit curious, like, where is this coming from?

Why does this continue to happen in these relationships?

Why do I feel so isolated?

You know, that's where we can then explore, okay, where did you know, I maybe abandon myself?

And what maybe led to me learning that I needed to do that.

You know, am I pleasing the people around me instead of really saying yes or saying no to the things that are important to me?

Am I speaking up?

And so if we consider like just the, at the core of it, the way that we speak to ourselves or our own self talk or the way that we view ourselves and the way we relate to ourselves often does come from early experiences in terms of how our caregivers spoke to us, how they spoke of themselves.

Right.

And how they spoke to each other.

That becomes our understanding of what relationships are and should be, should be like, and who I need to be within those relationships in order to, you know, a feel safe but also feel a sense of connection.

So that knowing, I think at the core can create curiosity around some of the behaviors or reactions that we have within relationships.

Because that's really how it'll manifest through self esteem, self worth, and then how we feel and respond to our relationships.

Exactly.

So in there, I heard about 14 different examples of how you're showing up.

So you're a people pleaser.

So you're not saying, you know, it's like if you're sitting there, you're going, well, how do I know?

And that's one of the things I always.

That's one of my first questions to people.

When you want to do something and somebody you're dealing with, and it doesn't matter whether it's a spouse, a child, a friend, a coworker, if somebody wants to do something else, how quickly are you to just give in?

How quickly?

That's the number one key to me.

Because the people pleasing and that need for either love and not being abandoned or them not being angry with you or accepting you for whatever, that is one of the biggest.

Because it's at the core of I'm not good enough or I'm not worthy.

So if you just find yourself, if somebody, you know, if you don't like Chinese food and your best friend says, hey, let's go get Chinese food.

And you're like, okay, right?

Big smile, big happy smile.

And the whole time you're thinking, why can't I just say, I don't even like Chinese food?

There's reasons for that.

Like, so the people pleasing, the perfectionism, the being attracted to the bad relationships in general.

You know, sometimes if you're always picking, I, I don't know how many times my clients have said to me, it doesn't matter I see the red flags and I do it anyway, you know, but.

And there's so many different ways it can show up, right.

And some of them aren't even necessarily, you know, visibly unhealthy.

Right.

Like, we can see it in high achievers, in people who are very focused on maybe perfection or performance, right?

Performance based approval, performance based connection.

That's where, like, sure, you might be really successful with work, so it doesn't seem like it's a problem.

Right.

And that's the other thing, is that some of these patterns, they.

They work for us until they don't.

But these patterns, what keeps them sustained is even, even if it's unhealthy, we're getting something out of it.

Whether it's allowing us to avoid a conflict out of love and desire to feel connected, or it's a sen. Like, I have a role now, right?

By.

By taking ownership of everybody's stuff and being the fixer.

I'm important here, right?

So there's so many different ways it can show up in.

In terms of, yeah, I, I need to be the good girl or boy, right.

I can't ever, you know, start any fights.

I don't say that thing.

It can show up as people pleasing.

It can show up as taking ownership of people's reactions, like it was a reflection of me, or I could have done something to stop it or fix can show up as performance, you know, it can show up as perfection.

It can show up as hyper independence.

It could show up as hyper vigilance.

Right?

So that's why it's kind of hard to say, like, exactly, like, what are the signs?

It's, it's more a matter of, like, let's get curious in terms of, like, where, where is that coming from?

There's a root here, you know.

Right.

And.

And I always say, if it's something that you're doing and you get that gut instinct, like, I don't want to be doing this doesn't make me happy, or this doesn't feel like me, then it's something that's curious, it's worth looking at because a lot of people say, you know, becoming the new you or becoming.

You're not becoming the new you.

You're going back and you're reconnecting with the you that you were born until someone changed the way you looked at the world.

Like, you're not, you know, I mean, I, I don't.

I feel like I was born this amazing, happy, beautiful, joyous creature.

And then somewhere along the line, somebody told me I didn't deserve that, or I wasn't worthy to have that, or those things.

Like, the me was not good enough to step out.

And I'm like, you're.

You were there the whole time.

So what are your thoughts on, like, just the general expression, because I say this all the time, is.

It's all inside of you.

You have to look inside of you.

What are your thoughts on that general expression?

Because I use it all the time, and I know my people are sick of hearing it, but it's so true.

It is.

It is so true.

I call it.

It's so funny that you're saying this because I use the same expressions.

Like, everything begins within every single thing, right?

Like, and take.

There's so many emotions that we're taught, like, in society.

Like, oh, that's bad, right?

Like, it's like jealousy, for example.

And I swear I'm going somewhere with this.

But, like, jealousy taught is like, oh, you know, it's bad to be jealous.

Only.

Only, you know, bad people are jealous.

When in reality, like, jealousy is a valid emotional experience.

It stands for, I'm seeing something outside of myself that I want, that I don't have, that I deserve and I should be able to achieve.

And, like, yet this other person has it.

Why don't I?

Right.

That's valid.

It stands for not feeling completely fulfilled.

Right.

With that, we can look at it and say, okay, there's something here that I maybe am missing.

Right?

Even.

What's the other one?

The other one is judgment.

Right?

If we find ourselves judging somebody else or others, well, how much am I judging myself?

Where's the measuring stick?

Is it already inside of me?

Right?

So everything begins, I believe, with it.

Right?

If we're treating ourselves with compassion, with kindness, and we are honoring our individual needs and boundaries, then we're gonna have more patience for other people's, too.

Like, we're gonna.

We're gonna be able to extend compassion and understanding to others because, well, I've been there.

I get it.

I've been in your shoes.

Like, maybe they've got a lot going on, and that's why they're, you know, absent right now.

Maybe it's not me, you know?

Right.

So with that, though, because these people, like, people that grew up in that chaotic, traumatic.

You know, I mean, I just meet so many people and their stories, like, it's heartbreaking.

And they say, well, no one ever loved me.

No one ever did this.

No one.

And I get it.

I mean, I was told every day of my life, you know, I wish you had never been born.

So what did I feel until I started actually working on myself and looking within and seeing someone that was worth liking?

Felt like I shouldn't have been born.

So what do you.

It's kind of like a difficult concept because you're taking someone.

And what are your tips that you would give people on how to start.

If you know that you had this, I don't want to say crappy childhood, but really that's what it is sometimes.

And you know that you have these issues and you know that you want to be happier and you want to feel that fulfillment and you want to do that.

What would you say?

Or what.

Or maybe, I don't know, like, again, I don't know if you went through this process or not, but what would be some tips that you would say to people out there just starting out to start doing, to start feeling that worth?

Yeah, well, I.

There's so many things I can say.

I know.

Okay, pick.

Pick one or two.

The first thing is, is that our emotions are cues.

They're signals, they're tools, right?

They're.

They are our inner compass.

So if you're experiencing something, it's valid.

Like, that's it.

It doesn't have to even make sense.

I don't even have to necessarily know why I'm feeling this.

I can start with just like, okay, I'm feeling something.

You know, there's something here, and it's.

It's valid and there's a reason why I'm feeling it.

What is it telling me about what I need?

Right?

I may be missing something or not getting something, and I need it.

And then how can I give that to myself, right?

So if I've experienced.

If I'm feeling angry about something, anger is valid.

We're taught, don't be angry, but anger is valid.

It stands for unfairness and injustice that I've experienced.

So I need some kindness, I need some fairness.

How can I create that internally?

Okay, well, I can be kinder to myself, even right here, right now, with a sense of, like, I don't know why I'm feeling this, but I'm going to comfort myself through it with no other story, no other judgment, no other.

I'm always this or I'm not this.

That's the conditional early learning speaking, right?

That's the trauma speaking.

So I think, considering, if I had to boil it down a little simpler, just considering that whatever emotional experience you're having, right?

Or even if you're experiencing more of, like, the negative thoughts for My folks who have learned to suppress emotions, it really then comes up as thoughts instead of emotions.

So in that sense, if I'm experiencing any sort of, like, you know, negative thought or emotion, there's a reason for that thought.

I'm really feeling something underneath this.

I. I don't even know what that feeling is, but there's something I need that I'm not getting.

How can I give that to myself?

Which is a tricky one if you.

Those needs have never been met.

So, Grace, giving yourself grace, you don't have to have all the answers.

Yes, absolutely.

And you're saying a couple things.

Again, I like this to.

And if.

I don't know if you've ever listened to any of my podcast episodes, I like to give tidbits.

I like to give tips and tricks and, and strategies because again, people that are new to this healing world, they hear these.

These words, these cliches and these, you know, look into yourself and it comes within.

And it's like, well, how do I do that exactly?

It's like.

It's like the first time someone tells you, you know, if you want to get better, you're eventually going to have to surrender.

And you're sitting here going, okay.

It's like, so, okay, what does that mean?

And how do I do it?

You know, so I'm.

I'm just.

Like I said, I'm picking apart what you're saying just so that I can dig a little deeper to get.

If that's okay.

Yeah, absolutely.

It's valid.

Yeah.

Because your perspective on it is different than the 211 other people I've talked to on my podcast.

Their perspective is a little different.

And I truly believe that what gets said on this podcast gets said because somebody out there near needs to hear it.

So, hey, well, and, and, and it's valid because if you think about it, what we're really talking about is I've.

Alyssa, like, I've never learned to do that.

I've always been told, you know, don't feel, or, you know, we don't do that in this house, or, you know, you think you're having a bad day.

Right.

So the, the ask of connecting with yourself, that may be so foreign.

So foreign.

Right.

And scary and overwhelming.

And I've built all of these walls and protective mechanisms so that I could survive.

So a hundred percent.

But I think giving yourself grace is a great place to just start.

Is like, so if you're having negative thoughts, right?

Because again, if you grew up in a household where emotions were suppressed and not Allowed, then it's going to come up as more negative thoughts.

Okay, let me interrupt these thoughts.

Yes, let me.

You know, even just changing my environment for five minutes, going outside, looking at, you know, the sky or the birds, and I know that sounds like woo woo, and maybe a little bit like, oh, how is that really gonna help?

Like, come on, you're asking me to go look at the sky.

But it is a matter of getting out of your own, you know, echo chamber.

And it is a matter of getting out of the, the four corners of your mind or the four corners of the room and shifting your focus.

That's what we want to do.

And it, it can just start with validating like, this is hard.

I'm experiencing something hard.

I'm experiencing something difficult.

Absolutely.

And the idea of getting outside and walking, it does not sound woo woo.

It's literally just changing.

It's a, it's a pattern interrupt or a pattern.

You know, it's a refocus.

It's.

That's why if you're having an anxiety attack, you do the 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.

If you're sitting here first, you know, okay, this is feeling uncomfortable.

And then you do the five things I can see and four things.

And sometimes that's just changing your mind.

It's, it's stopping what you were thinking about.

Because as we all know, we are our own worst critics.

And if we were thinking something bad, one thought and you don't stop it quickly, it's going to snowball.

You know, you could spill a glass of water and the next thing you know, you're the worst person on the earth.

Right.

In your own mind.

But if you can be like, oops, made a mistake, that sucks.

Let's go outside, walk around, walk it off, shake it off.

I mean, move your body.

Sometimes just moving your body helps.

Yep, always, I think.

Yeah.

The 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.

I actually have another one that I've told clients about and I, I like this one, which is keep it simple.

Like, name the colors that you see and just keep doing it.

Like wherever you are, name all the colors.

And if it's all blue, okay, you know, light blue, dark blue, navy blue, gray blue.

And what will happen is because of the way the mind works, it's always going to find something new to think about.

And maybe you see the dishes, right?

It's like, okay, let me just go and do the dishes.

And I can't change this, all this other stuff, but right now I can do the dishes or you see a book or a picture or something else that's going to change your focus, because that's really what we want to do.

And that's if even if you're having a panic attack or you're stuck in a big emotion, no logic is going to help it be accessible in that moment, nor is it going to necessarily help.

So we just need to interrupt it.

Exactly.

Exactly.

So I want to ask you another question, which is one of the questions that you put, and this is kind of off topic now because it's not like it going right from where we were saying, but we hear the term relational healing a lot.

Tell us your what that means to you.

Because people here, I've had to actually two people tell me, you know, they're like, what does that just mean?

My brother, my sister, my relations?

Like, what is relational healing?

Yeah.

So as a therapist in my role, working with childhood trauma, generational patterns, I'm actually a relational therapist.

Right.

And so what if I'm using the.

The context of therapy?

Or even if you think about if you're a parent or a caregiver to someone, right.

What a relational healing is, you're actually having a lived experience of a healthy relationship.

Right.

It can we.

It can rewire the brain that, okay, actually, maybe this is safe.

Does it happen right away?

No.

It's going to be terrifying to, like, you know, be open.

I've been taught I need to be closed forever.

Right.

Like, in order to protect myself, though, that.

That protective mechanism is there for a reason.

It functions and serves a purpose.

But relational healing, having the experience of somebody being with you through something really challenging and not turning away and not leaving you alone to deal with it by yourself or, you know, not rejecting you or criticizing you, but just being with you and allowing you to have your experience, you know, that is something that can rewire the experience of like, maybe I deserved that all along.

Right.

Or if you're a parent and you are really working through your own stuff, it's like, I can actually create that for my kids.

They're having big emotions.

I can be that model for them that maybe I needed.

And at the same time, that's going to kind of open up.

Like, okay, maybe that's something that I needed too, as a kid.

So relational healing is really like a lived experience of something healthy.

Okay.

Okay.

So it's a gen. You know, it's not something like, okay, I'm gonna go out today and I'm gonna relationally heal.

Like, it's not something you can.

It's just what you're That's.

So that's what you're taught.

It's just the actual experience of those.

Those moments.

And that has a lot to.

And I can only.

Well, I can imagine how tough that is in the beginning.

And a lot of people, we are very good at doing for others what we can't do for ourselves.

So I like to think that part of a good practice of getting ready to do that for yourself is being that person for someone else.

Yeah.

If you have kids or if you have a person in your life that you want to extend that.

That offering to.

Because really what you're giving somebody in that moment is a true sense of like, I see you and I hear you and you matter, and I want to know what's going on for you.

Right.

So, yeah, if that's accessible, sometimes it's not, because sometimes it's more.

We project our stuff outward.

Right.

But yeah, if that is something that you, you know, is accessible and maybe a desire, then we can try it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But, yeah, it's not necessarily.

This isn't easy.

No, no, no, no, no.

Absolutely not.

I just know when I was first, everybody's like, you have to love yourself before you can love other people.

And I'm like, that's not true.

I love my this and I love my that, and I don't love myself.

I don't need to love me.

But for me, it was much easier to give.

Well, obviously a people pleaser, but it was much easier to.

To give and then feel like it made me feel good because usually I was just giving, giving, giving, because that's what was accepted expected of me as a child.

But when you start giving, really with that honest compassion and empathy, it literally shifted all of a sudden.

I was like, wow, look how they took that.

That was kind of cool.

So it was.

It was all that.

I mean, that worked.

That was, I mean, 25 years ago.

But I mean, heck, you did what you had to do, right?

Yeah, so.

Yeah, but it worked.

But I just wanted you to kind of sum that up because that is one of those terms.

There's so many of those just niche terms getting thrown around around right now.

And I don't like to leave people hanging.

Like, what does that mean?

And that was one of them that's been kind of spinning in my head recently.

But tell us a little bit more about what.

What do you do?

Like, I know you're a therapist and do you work online?

Do you work with other.

How do you work?

Yeah, so we are a virtual group practice.

We actually operate in five different states.

So we have like staff on hand that are licenses and license in multiple states.

So our reach right now is Florida, Missouri, New Jersey, Tech, Texas and New York.

And you know what, what makes us actually I think a little bit different than any other like mental health practice is we incorporate whole person healing.

So if you're a current therapy client, you have access to our wellness services in, you know, at no additional cost.

And we have a mindfulness coach who's also a registered yoga teacher, certified mindfulness meditation teacher.

We're bringing on a nutritionist and personal trainer.

We're bringing on.

Well, we have a self love coach.

And so all of those services are available to public, but they are, you know, in order to practice some of these self compassion skills and extend it to different areas of your being, you know, that's something that we want to offer our clients so you can create change in the moment while we're working on that deeper relational stuff, which takes a little bit of time and rightfully so.

Oh, absolutely.

I mean I have people come to me, they're in their 60s and I'm like, you didn't get like this in two days.

It's not going to undo in two days.

You don't just wake up one morning and go, okay, I love myself and here we go.

Let's, this is a new world.

But I mean I tell people every step that you make and every single action you take and decision you make and you know, your end goal and what is it for all of us is really just peace.

I mean peace in our heart and our soul and our minds.

So you know, it's just those.

You what?

And connection.

That's really what is at the core of some of these patterns that or roles that we play is I've wanted to fit somewhere.

I've wanted to feel like I belong somewhere.

And like the relational healing is about I don't need to play that role.

I didn't, I.

It's not fair that I felt I had to, but I don't need to anymore.

Right.

And so how do you work with people to help them?

Because I mean, I know, I mean there's several different roles that people kind of adopt when they're going through out of survival, like you said.

And those roles just become their identity.

I mean they literally become who they are.

How do you help people or how.

What are some tips?

Maybe little things people can start doing to start understanding that they can let go of them without losing who they are.

Well, I will.

One thing I Will say is people pleasing is not a character trait behavior.

Right.

And all behavior is driven.

I mean, this is straight from like cognitive behavioral therapy.

But all behavior is driven by a thought and a feeling.

And some thoughts are rational and some are not helpful.

Right.

And then feelings, some can exist on the surface, like anger.

We can see that.

But really what's underneath that anger is sadness and hurt.

So ultimately, like, the behaviors that we're displaying are always driven by something else and getting away from labels.

Right.

Of good versus bad, of, you know, people pleasing or lazy or, you know, I'm.

I'm just this way.

Insert label here.

You know, that.

That piece of things can.

Can also be, you know, a helpful way of, you know, being curious instead of judgmental, of offering a little bit of space between whatever's happening that's triggering this underlying stuff and my re.

And I think if I'm going to model, like, what grace is, it is really truly, I think, about meeting yourself where you're at.

Right.

So I, for example, I have so much respect for people's protective mechanisms.

Yeah.

It's not my job to expect you to open up the door and unlock.

Is not my.

In my wheelhouse to, you know, hey, let me in.

No, maybe I'm waving to you right from the front gate and I'm just letting you know I'm here.

And then slowly, you know, we're on the porch and sharing a cup of tea.

You know, obviously all figurative here, but the protective mechanisms are there for a reason.

They have kept you safe.

They have provided you with things even if they're not healthy and even if they're not giving you the results that you want it.

Want anymore.

So meeting yourself where you're at, I think is really key as well.

Oh, absolutely.

And that.

That's just giving yourself, like you said, the grace with every situation be.

And just don't beat yourself up.

You know, when you have the bad day.

It's not.

You're not stupid.

You just.

I made a mistake, and that's human and I love me anyway.

You know, it's because.

Yeah, that's.

Those protective mechanisms are so deeply ingrained.

All of.

All of stuff that happens.

I mean, I People.

I give examples to people, or people will come up with examples as we go back through, like, a timeline of when things happen and why, where they might have started to feel like this.

And they'll say, oh, my gosh, yeah, you know, when I was seven.

But it was no.

It was no big deal.

And I said, when you were seven, everything Is big.

Yeah.

Everything is big when you're a child.

Yeah.

You look back at it now and you go, that was so stupid.

That changed the way I look at the world.

Well, yeah, back then when you weren't making your own decisions and you had one person to trust and that one person did you wrong.

That was huge, my friend.

Yeah.

So I'm like you now.

You have to learn to love on that.

Like what?

Like, again, like you said, what do you need right now?

Like, what can you do for yourself right now?

What are some other maybe strategies or things that people can do just to start to kind of loosen their.

There.

I want to get better vibes.

You know, I. I really come back to incorporating some new learnings into things.

Right.

That emotions are not bad, really.

Getting away from those labels.

They're there for a reason.

Everything is driven by, you know, deeper needs or drives.

That's for all of us.

I have these things about me, sure, maybe that aren't working, but they're there in place for a reason.

I might want to make changes and I can.

It doesn't have to be this way all the time.

So maybe, you know, those learnings can become just new incorporations into the narrative.

Is it always easy?

No, because life is going to, you know, trigger us in terms of like, you know, strategies.

I think what we can also incorporate is pausing before reacting.

I don't.

I get to choose what I want to do with this emotion.

Sure.

It's big.

Sure.

Absolutely.

And I maybe want to react in a big way towards myself or to our.

Toward others around me.

But let me take some space, let me breathe through it.

Which I'll be honest, for some de.

You know, deep breathing can also be triggering if there's, you know, history of physical abuse or sexual assaults.

That's not necessarily always going to work.

So it.

It is a matter of trying a few different things.

Maybe it's journaling.

Right.

If there's things that you want to say and you want to lose it, write it down, put it somewhere.

It needs to come out, needs to get out.

Yep.

Yeah.

So, yeah, I think it's a matter of like, lowering the intensity of the emotion that you're experiencing.

And then logic can be accessed.

Then some of the deeper, like, oh, get curious with yourself can be accessible.

So the initial pieces of things is going to make it, I think, a little bit easier.

And then boundaries.

Right, the B word.

Yeah.

And, you know, in terms of strategies there, I. I do believe that that comes from a little bit of aware, like more Awareness and thinking about what does it mean to have boundaries?

Yeah, it'll.

So I actually have a good metaphor that a lot of clients say they like, which I can share that one, if you would like.

So, I mean, going back to what you said is that, you know, that idea of everything beginning within, you know, we belong to ourselves long before that we belong to others in our adult life.

Right.

And so if you consider that you are your home, that, you know, you get to decide in your physical home who comes in, who's somebody you wave to from the gate, and who is somebody that, yeah, you sit down, you have a cup of coffee or a cup of tea with.

Right.

How far they get to come into your home, how long they get to stay.

What are some expectations that I have in my house for the behavior that's acceptable, for the way that I want to be treated?

The vibe, the energy, you know, in the same way you get to pick the paint colors and what goes on the wall, what kind of pillows you buy, we get to decide what our internal experience is, what we're going to tolerate or not tolerate.

So, you know, maybe not in a moment of emotional emotionality, but in those calmer moments, you know, if you have them when you're by yourself or at night, like, kind of getting curious about what do I want to feel like internally and.

And how can I create that?

Maybe it is a matter of, like, I'm not going to put up with somebody speaking to me this way anymore.

Want practice of it?

That's the hard part.

Right.

That's might be where, okay, I asked for some help.

Yeah, absolutely.

Because it's.

It's hard when you first start, you know, I mean, and again, a lot of people don't even know they were in that situation.

It was my friend that finally said to me after I was married for a year or so, you.

She was like, you know, Tammy, people don't talk to people that they love like that.

And I was like, oh, really?

That's still.

I mean, I just.

Whatever.

Like, it didn't bother me.

Yeah, it hurt my feelings a little bit.

It stung a little bit, but I was so used to it.

And then she's like.

And then when I started going to therapy more and more, and that's when they sat me down and they're like, okay, you need to figure out what your values are, what you stand for, what you're willing to tolerate, what you're willing to put up with, and what will get you peace.

Like, she was like, what do you want I said I want just peace in my head and my body, in my mind and my soul, you know?

Well, you're gonna have to set some boundaries.

But, and it, and it is hard at first, but I tell people, start small, you know, go to a restaurant, order something you've.

That's not on the menu.

Like it's not going to be detrimental to your world if they say no, but just start practicing it.

Start it.

Start it being a muscle memory or a muscle reaction that if you want something you, you don't look around first to see who's going to get mad at you for saying you want it, you just say it.

Like that takes a long time or like you said, the boundaries of somebody maybe not being able to come through your gate, as you put it.

That's.

And, and I like to say now, I mean we weren't, we were children when all of this happened, when all of these mindset things happened, when all of these, our lens was put on, on how we look at safety and, and fear and all of that.

We were children.

We didn't have a choice.

Now we're grown ass adults and we can unapologetically say no.

You know, here's another one that I think is, people often find helpful is if we externalize it a little bit.

And, and granted none of this stuff is, it is going to work for everybody.

Not, I mean, not all of this stuff is going to work for everybody is actually what I mean to say.

So it is a matter of kind of trying things on and seeing how it feels a little bit.

But if we externalize our stories a little bit, right?

Where let's say it almost as if we're reading a book about somebody that lived our lives or watching a movie, right.

Of a little girl or a little boy living through the things that we did.

Right?

What did they really, did they deserve that?

Right?

What did they really like need in that moment?

How scared or how alone did they actually feel?

Like who did they talk to?

That little girl or that little boy is you.

And if they deserved it and this person isn't you, like you deserve it too, you know, so that's another piece of things.

And, and I want, I really want to say, you know, in terms of meeting yourself where you're at, because I want to, I, I'm very big on setting like, you know, realistic expectations is like, this isn't easy.

It's not easy work.

This stuff is really kind of, it's, it's in there and it's, it's some of it stands also for, like, if I just keep operating this way, I don't have to feel how much of an impact that really had.

And so is it like, oh, try this thing and it's gonna be.

You're gonna be good?

Like, no, if anything, you're gonna start to open up Pandora's box a little bit.

You know, you start to set boundaries.

People in your life are used to you operating as the people pleaser, as the fixer, as the mediator, the parent.

So they might not like it.

And then we have to build tolerance around like having other people's, allowing other people to have their emotions without or without reacting to it, to hold someone accountable to their reactions as well and not feel guilty about that.

So, you know, taking it.

It's a, it's a, it's a process.

It's, it's such a process.

And the best advice I give people, I, Well, I like to give people is when you're going through this whole thing because we are our own worst critics.

We are so rough on ourselves.

And like you said, if you, if you could see yourself as that five year old, if you re.

Could understand that that's that person you are now like and like you said and love on them.

So I tell people, like, in every situation, treat yourself like your own best friend.

When you do something wrong, think to yourself.

Instead of being like, oh, Tammy, you're so stupid.

Be like, Tammy, if your daughter did that, would you be angry?

No, it was a mistake and you would get over it.

So be that person to yourself.

You know, treat yourself like someone you love.

And eventually you'll be like, wow, I like her.

I really like her.

So I mean that's.

Oh, it's such a process though.

Wow, Alyssa, this is really fun.

I could talk to you forever and ever, but I was like, just look down.

I'm like, wow, it's been 45 minutes, we've been chit chatting.

Oh, wow.

If people want to work with you, want to find out more, where do they, where do they find you?

Easiest place.

Easiest place is definitely our website.

That.

That's going to be the place that is 100% just routed directly to our practice.

We are on Instagram and Facebook, but I'm, I am.

Oh, somebody's always looking at the email, right?

So in that sense, I mean, which is me.

So in that sense, that is the best place to reach us.

And our website is www.collive-therapy.com.

yeah, we'll be happy to help.

I love it.

And you're not off the hook yet, though.

I appreciate you coming.

First of all, I got lots of little tips and tricks for people.

That's what they're looking for.

And if you could give somebody one word of wisdom or piece of advice or just something to make their day a little better today, what would it be?

Give yourself permission to want something different.

I love that.

I love that.

Give yourself permission to want something different.

Absolutely.

Thank you so much, Alyssa, for coming on.

You're welcome.

Thank you so much for having me.

These conversations are so important, and they stand for, you know, really the love that we always deserved but maybe didn't get.

So I'm happy to be part of this in any way I can.

Well, I so appreciate it.

And for everybody else out there listening, you heard it.

Go to her website, check it out, and just know that you are worthy of all the love, whether you got it or not.

As a kid, it doesn't matter.

You can start to get it now.

You can start to love yourself that way now.

But you were always worthy, and you were always enough.

And you're perfect just the way you are.

So thank you all, and we will see you back next week.