E 227: Healing Generational Wounds and Reclaiming Your Identity: Guest Becky Nieves

Well, good morning, everybody.

Welcome back to another episode of Adult Child of Dysfunction.

Today we have with us Becky Nieves.

She is a cycle breaker coach mama 4 and a no BS guide for women breaking free from generational trauma.

She turned her pain into purpose after going no contact with her narcissistic father.

And now she helps women rewrite their stories, reclaim their power, and create a legacy of break freedom.

Sounds just like what we all doing, right?

This is so cool.

Like, it's like we're all on the same page.

Welcome, Becky.

Oh, thank you so much, Tammy.

Every time I hear my bio, I'm like, wait, is that me?

Oh, I guess it is.

It's, you know, a little jarring sometimes.

Doesn't it sound fun when other people read it, I'll like write it out and go, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then someone reads it on a podcast.

I'm like, oh, touch me.

Like that sounds good, right?

Like, okay, I sound really, really cool.

Great.

Yeah.

So you said you went no contact 60 years ago with your father.

Correct?

I don't even know how old you are.

I can't even imagine.

I can't tell by looking at you.

You look super young, so.

Yeah, you do.

I don't know how old you are.

I have no idea.

But was that hard talk about that.

Oh, it was.

I'm gonna jump right in there because so many people question, do I go no contact or, you know, they hear they grow up their whole lives being.

You can't feel that way about him.

He's your father.

You can't not like her.

She's your mother.

Yeah, I call BS on that 100%.

And honestly, I only wish I had done it sooner, quite honestly.

So for inquiring minds, I am 42.

Actually, I should rewrite the bio.

It's now been seven years.

I went no contact when I was 35.

And that was after spending my pretty much entire adult life going back and forth where we would like, not talk for a few months and then I'd give them another shot and it would just repeat over and over again again.

And so finally I'm like, okay, we're just going to rip the band aid off.

But that wasn't my intent.

Like it kind of happened where we had another one of our blow ups.

Last conversation we had, I pretty much told him, well, you, you go to hell.

And that was famous last words.

And I just didn't talk to him after that.

And he would reach out or I'd have, like you said, other well meaning family members reach out saying, Aren't you going to talk to your dad?

Like, no, I don't, I don't think so.

I think this time I don't want to.

Um.

And it just morphed into now it's been seven years and been living my best life ever since.

And no guilt, no regrets.

Like you said, you wish that you had done it sooner.

100%.

And I will say at the time, absolutely, I had guilt and regret.

I mean, that's something that's taken a very long time to kind of deal with, dealing with the anger, the guilt.

In the course of myself going no contact, my mother became ill with early onset Alzheimer's.

And at that point everybody was like, well, are you going to reach out again and let them, you know, your mom's sick, you know, needs help, all those things.

And I'm like, no, I don't.

I don't think I will.

Because she was his enabler and she made a decision a long time ago to put him before her children.

And as hard as it was at that time, she was an adult, made a decision, and she had to pay the consequences for those.

Those decisions that she made.

Yeah.

You shouldn't have to bear the brunt of that.

And you know, and you're.

And it's only going to get worse and it's never going to change because when you don't break free from the narcissistic person, which is your mom, that person that did not break free, she has no choice but to become completely codependent and completely enabling.

Absolutely, 100%.

So I.1 of the questions you asked me, and I love this, is what does.

Because a lot of people say, you know, I'm a cycle breaker.

I'm gonna break this generational trauma.

I'm gonna do this.

But then it's like they think, okay, well, what am I actually doing to do that?

What does that mean?

What does that look like?

Talk about once you got out, because obviously growing up with a narcissistic parent, were both of your parents.

I mean, was everything else besides the narcissist?

Was there addiction in the house?

Was there all kinds of other things?

Or was it more just the controlling narcissism?

I mean, I would say my father is also a high functioning alcohol.

Alcoholic.

But mainly it was definitely the narcissism.

The, the.

What do I call it?

The emotional neglect.

I guess it was like, you have a roof over your head, I pay the bills and anything else is unnecessary.

Right.

You owe him.

Yeah, he's.

Yes, it's his world.

You Just happen to live in it.

Exactly.

100.

We all exist just to make him look better.

Yes, that was it.

Absolutely.

So what is it?

So talk about, first of all, what that did to your self esteem, your sense of identity, all of the things.

Growing up with a parent that long, like, what did it do to you?

It completely negated my sense of self.

I didn't trust myself.

I think trust was like the biggest thing.

Because if you are, you grow up in a narcissistic household generally, I won't say 100 of the time, but I found myself dating men who are very, very similar to my father.

And it kept repeating and repeating and repeating.

And I'm like, wait a minute, why do I keep.

And then I had the.

The moment where I'm like, oh, I'm a fixer.

Can't fix my dad.

I'm gonna fix these guys.

Yeah.

No, not gonna happen.

And then I had to make a very conscious decision at that point.

I can literally remember the point where I was like, okay, this is not working.

I'm going to date somebody that, honestly, I'm not even completely attracted to.

They're not my type, because it was a pattern disruption for me.

I was like, I'm going to do something totally off the wall.

And that's when I met my husband.

Oh, that's funny.

Yeah, totally.

Like, I would never have looked at him twice.

And that is when I met my husband.

That is funny.

You know, it's funny because I look back now.

I've been remarried for 23 years, 22 years, something like that.

And people are so funny, and they're like, well, what did he see?

What did.

What did you see in him?

Like, you guys are like, really nothing alike.

Like, what did you see in him?

I'm like, he wasn't my first husband.

He was exactly opposite.

And everything that I thought I loved about my first husband should have been a red flag.

You know, the excitement, partying, the fun, the.

You know, put me on this pedestal and just like, love bomb me, you know, I mean, the whole.

It was.

It was all the things and it was so funny.

And so when I met my second husband, I'm like, wow, he's exhausted.

Exactly opposite.

I'm like, this might be what I need.

Exactly.

And it is, right?

It was so funny that that was exactly like my sister, everyone, she met him, she's like, wait, he doesn't have a tattoo.

He doesn't drink at all?

And I'm like, yeah, nope.

And she's like, are you sure?

And I'M like, yeah, I'm sure.

And we're going to be married 15.

Years in October, so amen to that.

I absolutely love that.

So you grew up.

And I'm going kind of back to this.

I'm bouncing around, which is what I tend to do, you'll notice.

I mean, that's what this.

That's what we do.

We talk about whatever kind of strikes us.

And as things come to my mind, I'm going to just ask you.

But you grew up with a guilt of, like you said, you were this constant.

I just have to make him happy, I have to displease him.

As long as he's happy, everything's good.

How did you start to break free of that feeling of, I don't want to be the bad guy, I don't want to rock any boats, I don't want to walk on, you know, tiptoe around things?

How did you start to break free of that?

Well, I would say for me, it probably started about age 14 is when I realized, wait, my family is not like other families.

And then I kind of went in a direction that it was good, but it wasn't particularly helpful.

I was like, wait a minute, I'm going to go to school.

I'm going to get a psychology degree, and I'm going to figure this out.

And that is exactly what I did.

I went got a psychology degree.

It did not help.

If anything, it actually made it worse because.

And then after I had gotten my.

My bachelor's degree, I went back to my dad.

I'm like, you know, I really think you should see somebody go see a therapist.

And eventually he did.

And when a narcissist does agree to go see a therapist, it's a red flag, because then he did go to the therapist.

He did go to the psychiatrist and said they gave him a diagnosis, they told him he was bipolar.

So then he came home and everything's like, oh, it's not me, it's my bipolar disorder.

And I'm like, no, you're just an a hole.

But, yeah, that was.

So that was that.

And then I think for me, my.

My biggest tipping point, like, I was, okay, I guess to a point being the.

The whipping post, right?

So to speak.

It's what I grew up with.

It was what I knew for me where I was like, okay, this.

This absolutely cannot happen anymore is when I became a mom, and particularly with my second child.

She has a rare genetic disorder, and it'll affect her lungs.

She's going to get pulmonary fibrosis.

It's fatal.

There's no cure.

I mean, she's okay right now, but we have to protect her lungs as much as we absolutely can.

And both of my parents are smokers.

So, yes, it was like, okay, we can't go to your house anymore because you smoke in your house.

Secondhand smoke is a thing.

And then I was like, and if you come to my house, these are the rules, you know, and we know that narcissists do not do boundaries well.

Right?

So that's where the fighting really started.

It's like, oh, I'll just step outside and have a cigarette.

And it's like, no, because then the smoke is still on your clothes.

And I was like, and you're going to have to have showered, put on new clothes and all.

Like, I gave him the list of, you know, my non negotiables, and as you can imagine, did not go well.

And that's what led to that, that conversation, you know, it was a lot of, well, you can't keep your kids in a bubble and what are you going to do going, you know, all the, the stupid little trope things that, you know, nurses will bring out.

And so I was like, we'll go to hell.

I was like, I'm going to protect my kids.

So what I wouldn't do for myself, I did for my kids.

And sometimes that's what it takes.

A lot of times, that's what it takes.

That's what it takes, you know, leaving that narcissistic spouse or leaving the, you know, leaving the toxic household or the addiction or.

I mean, a lot of people do that for their children.

And I, I, I, I love that you did that.

Because there's nothing worse for me.

Hearing someone, I'm talking to a child and they'll say, or an adult child, and they're 34.

And then I'll say, well, when did your parents get divorced?

And they'll say something kind of similar to my situation.

Like, oh, well, they told us they were getting divorced in first grade, but they didn't actually separate until ninth grade because they wanted to stay together for the kids.

Like, I always want to go, yes.

No, that's the worst thing.

I remember growing up, we would ask my mom, like, why are you still together?

And then it was like, oh, but if I separate, he's going to take you guys from me.

And then as we all became adults, you know, we'd ask, okay, we're all adults now.

Now what?

And that's when we realized she made the conscious decision to stay because she wanted to stay.

And that was a whole other can of worms that we had to deal with.

Exactly, exactly.

So you did it for your kids.

So that was when you literally started setting the boundaries and not feeling bad, which now I'm sure you're probably like, wow, I can be unapologetically me.

Like, this is so cool.

Like, I can set boundaries.

I can do that.

So talk about what it looks like on a day to day basis because the journey is never over.

You're always going to find these things.

You're always going to kind of live in those shot.

Not, I don't want to say live in the shadows and not always, but people have memories and they're, they, they sit deep.

So this, the, the triggers, the, the day to day things that come up.

How do you navigate that and how do you, what are some tips you can give people to navigate that?

Yeah, 100%.

And it definitely is, I mean, even seven years out, I'm still triggered.

I had in a situation last year where I was in a group setting and there was this one individual who drove me bananas.

And I, you know, anger is something I've had to learn to control because of the anger, the guilt and all that.

And I sat there and I talked to my husband for a while.

I'm like, why does this one man make me so angry?

And I start talking about the interaction with my husband and I stop like mid sentence and I'm like, oh.

I was like, he reminds me of my father.

So I think it is recognizing when somebody gets under your skin and you're not sure why.

Talk it out loud, talk it out with a trusted person and then eventually it'll kind of have your light bulb moment, like, oh, that's why.

Or this situation reminds me of this.

Or you start to notice that you do certain things because of the way you grew up.

Like there's still things seven years later.

And my husband was with me when I went.

No contact.

So he saw the before and after.

And you know, he knows my father, my family very well.

And we were just having a conversation the other night and something came out and I was like, oh yeah, like dinner times.

We didn't talk.

It was pure silence.

My father didn't like an talking.

Now, mind you, I've been with my husband all these years and he's like, really?

He's like, I didn't know that.

And I'm like, oh.

And it was something that just came out.

Like you'll have these little things just come out and you're like, I never told you that.

I'm like, yeah, that's why I don't like a quiet dinner table.

And I make sure everybody talks and we ask questions, and it's just the little things that you do now as an adult that you're like, oh, I do this because of this.

Or I know in my household, my dad was always served dinner first and the kids were served last.

So I've noticed in my marriage, I always serve my kids first and my husband last, if I even serve him at all, because he might just get up and get his own stuff.

In my culture, too, It's.

It's kind of disrespectful.

I've had my grandmother's like, well, why don't you serve your husband first?

And I'm like, no.

I was like, my kids come first.

And he knows that.

So it's.

It's just funny how those little tiny nuances, right?

The things you don't think about on a daily basis, they come into play.

So it's little fun things like that, and just being aware, like, this comes from this.

And I think once you can make the connection between what you went through to your present time.

Not saying that the anger and the guilt or even holidays for me are particularly tricky too, obviously, like Mother's Day, Father's Day.

Because you'll go on social media and everybody will be saying all these wonderful things about their parents on.

On those days.

Those are days where I just might not go on social media because maybe it's triggering, you know, and knowing yourself enough to know how much you can take, I think.

Yep.

And I always give, like, the people that I work with write it down when something just hits you kind of funny, and you just get that weird feeling, you know, and you get it.

Your body will physiologically react.

Like, you'll be like, whoa.

You know, like, why did I think that?

Why did I say that?

Why did I act like that?

Like, why did I get angry at that?

That was not, you know, write it down and then go home and like you said, talk it out loud.

Talk it out with someone.

I always tell people to write it down.

And I have.

I'm a writer.

Because otherwise you get home and you'll be like, what was that again?

You know?

Yes.

Or leave a voice note on your phone real quick.

I've done that.

I'm like, hold on, I gotta, like, unpack this later.

Yes, unpack this later.

Exactly.

But the important thing is, is that you unpack them all.

Yeah.

Oh, gosh.

Holidays, when you mentioned the holidays.

That brings up so much for me.

We were just talking about that yesterday because Everybody's like, oh, St. Patrick's Day is like my best holiday and blah, blah, blah.

And I'm like, oh.

I was like, I can remember growing up and being dragged every St. Patrick's Day to an Irish bar.

And you ever know that, you know that song the Green Alligator and Long Neck Geese?

And I used to have to get up and sing it on these stages at this Irish bar while my parents were getting drunker and drunker and I was like, oh, gosh, it was humiliating.

So every St. Patrick's Day, I mean, and I still work in a bar part time and it's like awful.

I never work St. Patrick's Day.

I never really though all the drinking holidays.

You know, I'm more on social media saying, you know, be aware of the children around you because when, when you see a lost child or, you know, an 8 year old by themselves, there's a good chance mom's asleep on the beach right now.

100.

Yes, I, it's.

And it's definitely, I know in my life too, like, particularly with children, that's obviously why I do what I do, because I have four kids and I've gotten into the public education system.

I even worked corrections for a time too.

And that's where like the CYC breaking for me kind of started too.

Because, you know, working in public education, working in the correction System, you can 98% of the time trace it back to something in childhood, something with the parents.

And it's like, if we could be more preventative.

I think like you said, being aware of that lost kid on the beach, like you could be that positive influence in their life that maybe they don't turn out like me and you.

Right?

That's, that's pretty much, that is, that's my.

I always tell my kids, or anytime I'm interviewed, I'm like, my goal is to make sure that 20 years from now my kids aren't sitting on a therapist's couch talking bad about me.

Now, mind you, we can't parent perfectly, right?

There's, there's going to be something we did wrong.

But I try.

At least when I'm wrong, I apologize.

And I'm sure they might have something to say about me in 20 years.

But, you know, not that I was a, a narcissist or an alcoholic that couldn't function as a human being is my goal.

Right?

And you think about it too, and it's kind of the Same thing with me.

Like, I knew that things were violently misaligned When I was 24 years old, 25 years old, I had bleeding ulcers from stress.

I was partying too much.

I had zero respect for my own body.

I mean, like, I knew all that stuff was going on, but it wasn't until I was 26, getting ready to have my first child.

And I was reading that book, love you forever.

And it was that book about like, probably read it a thousand times.

I. I still have three copies and, and I'm 57.

Well, I will be this month.

But yeah, that was when I'm like rocking back and forth and I'm sitting here and I'm like picturing I didn't know whether I was having a boy or a girl, but all of a sudden I was like, oh my God.

It like hit me like a two by four.

I'm like, I don't even understand what unconditional love feels like.

So that is what jump started me into my journey.

So of course, it was the very beginning.

So, yeah.

Did my kids take the brunt of a lot of it?

They took the brunt of my healing, they took the brunt of my growth.

They took the brunt of me not knowing what I didn't know.

But I always, you know, every time I would feel down about it and I would start to be like, oh my gosh, the first five years I had no boundaries with my kids.

I didn't do this, I didn't do that.

I kept just saying to myself, like, Tammy, you're doing the, you're doing better every day.

And they see that and they're growing along with you.

Like, so, you know, for the parents and the people that are out there watching, never beat yourself up for where you are because you didn't know what you didn't know.

Just like I didn't know what I didn't know and you didn't, you know, Becky didn't know what she didn't know.

Like, you learn and you grow.

And a lot of times, I would say a whole lot of times it is becoming a parent that goes, wow, I want to not be my parents.

I want to not.

And at the same time, I'm sure you also probably went into it like, I'm going to do the exact opposite that my parents did.

That's not the answer either.

You know, there needs to be a happy medium and you have to find that middle.

But it's 100.

No, it is funny.

I joke about that because what you said it Hit me so.

Well, because my kids, I had my first when I was 19.

So I've got a very large age gap with my kids.

My oldest is actually 22.

I've got a 13 year old, a 10 year old, and an almost 4 year old.

Yes, I did that on purpose.

And it's funny because now I can joke about it with my oldest because he'll say, oh, I was the test tube, you know, the test baby.

And I'm like, yeah, you kind of were.

I'm like, we grew up together.

I was like, I was going through the thick of a lot of it, you know, and not having any boundaries, not even aware of what was going on when he was, you know, in his formative years.

I mean, he was.

Was he 13?

No, he was 8 when I went.

No contact, you know, so he has memories of my parents and the things that went on.

My youngest has never even met my parents.

So that's the.

The juxtaposition there, like the two extremes.

Right.

So I can literally look at my kids and, like, see, like, the evolution of my parenting.

I call it my own social experiment.

And, you know, but it literally is like, you know, I mean, my 23, he's fine.

But, you know, even now I'm like, dude, maybe you should go to therapy too.

And I try and I apologize.

I think that's the biggest thing.

Because a narcissist, someone who is toxic and abusive, they will never apologize for their behavior because they will never see that they did anything wrong.

And I think that's the difference between us as parents now, because they'll say, hey, I messed up.

I shouldn't have done this.

This way, we give our kids what we would never have gotten.

And I think that's.

That's the big distinction there for sure.

Right, Right.

And when.

And I'm sure, like, when.

Yes, and I'm not going to keep harshly hashing on this out, but I know, like, I'll see something on TV and be like, you should never say this to your children.

And I'm like, oh, I said that a lot.

You know, that old saying, like, why can't I.

Well, because I said so.

That was probably one of the biggest ones.

And I go, oh, my God, how many times did I say that?

And I can't take it back, but I just can't.

But you know, now.

And I mean, my kids are all like, as I got older, I'm like, because, you know, we don't do this and we don't.

And I would explain, but I Grew up.

And it was very.

There was, it was black and white because I.

Why are you questioning?

Because I'm your mother.

Like, you know what I mean?

Exactly.

Yep.

Been there, done that.

But again, you know, as they watch me, you know, my kids are very proud of what I do now.

They're.

My youngest is 21, my oldest is 30 and he still lives with me.

So, like, he's getting.

Finishing up his pilot's license, so he's living with me for a while.

And we're good.

We're good.

You know, but, but wow.

Yes.

How your, your habits that you, that you just develop and these, these things that you become part of you, they're coping mechanisms and the, the triggers and, but give me some tips.

So besides being aware, obviously.

So when you work with your people, what are some things?

Like if they get, if they realize, like, hey, I keep doing this to my kid and I, I just don't want to, but I need to figure it out.

What are some tips that you give them?

Besides being aware?

Yeah, no, I mean, awareness is the first step.

And there are plenty of people, I think, that are aware, but they're still living in their victimhood.

It's like, I can't move past it because this is what happened.

And I think the biggest thing is owning that, like, owning this is how you grew up.

Like, sit.

And I think the anger, the guilt, whatever emotions come up for you.

Absolutely.

Like, sit with it, own it.

You know, don't so many people like, oh, it's your childhood, just let it go, don't pretend.

And I'm like, no, because all you're doing is burying something.

Which, you know, I always say my biggest thing, what comes when you do in the dark, comes out in the light, right?

It's going to come back up in some, some shape, form or fashion.

So it's like owning it.

And then it's like, okay, you own it, you acknowledge it.

Now it's time to like, redesign that.

What do you want life to be like?

And then you need to actually live that life.

So it's like, you know, and I'm a big person, you know, journaling, writing things down.

So it's like, you know, do, you know, verbal vomit on a page?

And then burn it, rip it up, flush it down the toilet, whatever it is that you need to do to get it out of your head, out of your space and away.

That way you've actually dealt with it, you know, Because I think too many times, very well meaning therapists will tell us, okay, well, yes, this happened, and now it's time to move on.

And then you're stuck because you're like, I'm not ready to move on yet, or it hasn't been talked about.

Like, telling your story, you know, whether you do it publicly, like we're doing here, or privately with a trusted person and the support system.

Like, you need a support system.

I would say this was my number one mistake.

I was like, I'm going to do this all by myself because I'm hyper independent because of the way that I grew up.

I'm like, oh, I could do this, no problem.

Yeah.

No, that made my recovery.

My recovery twice as long as what it needed to be.

You know, I didn't lean on my husband enough, friends enough.

Nobody knew what was going on.

Like, now that I'm telling my story, people are coming out like, I had no idea.

Right.

And I'm like, that was the point.

I didn't want people to know.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So I think that would be the best thing, like having that support system, whoever that is, not the narcissist, not anybody who's friendly with the narcissist, because then they will try to talk you into going back and making amends or whatever it needs to be an objective third party would be my.

My best advice to anybody.

You know, I do this seminar called awakening yourself, your authentic self.

And I talk so much about that, about having that support system and how important it is, because, you know, you can.

It's like affirmations.

You can do all the affirmations in the world.

You can sit there and say, I am beautiful.

I'm amazing.

I am loved, I am lovable, and everything else.

But if you don't truly believe it, at the end of the day, when the rubber hits the road and you got to make a decision, you're basing that your actions come from your subconscious mind, which is still saying, I don't believe it.

So it's like when you try to do it yourself and you try to say, you know, you actually won't even do it yourself.

You won't go through with it yourself because you're like, oh, I should be saying, I am beautiful, I am this, but I'm not.

So you won't actually take the step.

So it's like you need, like you said, that support system, someone to walk along with you and someone to hold you accountable.

Because I think that's the.

The number one is I was listening.

Have you ever listened to Wayne Dyer?

Yes.

So I was re.

I was rereading or re.

Listening to in the car the other day, the.

Your erroneous zones.

And it's like you're.

Oh, it's a good one.

It's like, I think it's one is first, literally.

But it's like.

And it's.

He.

I laugh because he says it's not erogenous zones.

It's not like a dirty book.

It's erroneous zones, which just means error.

And one of the biggest things that he talks about is you caring.

And this is where we are as adult children is you care so much more about what other people think than what you think.

Like you care so much more.

And it's like, why?

But the other thing he talks about, which makes me laugh is the expression, the idea that you don't have a choice how to act or how to respond or how to be that you just say, well, my parents were so I am.

Period.

And it's like, well, yeah, it's like say any.

You know, he says it's like saying I'm Italian.

Like, I have to get pissed off because I'm Italian.

I have to have a temper.

He's like, no, you weren't born with the temper genes.

Like, like you still have a choice every single moment.

So I, I love that you should listen to that book.

It's really cool.

But so, so you have them journal, you have them just be hyper aware, just know like feel it and then a support system.

Any other tips?

Yeah, I mean it depends on the person because everybody.

My biggest thing, especially working in education, everybody's a different kind of learner.

So whether you're auditory, visual, that sort of thing, some people do well with the visualization.

I'm not a visualization person.

Like when you tell me like meditate and picture that, I. I can't do it.

It just doesn't work for me.

But for some people it does.

I did a workshop not too long ago and it was Disney themed.

I can do a other spiel on Disney and what that's meant to me.

But you know, I told people, like, envision yourself as your favorite superhero, whatever armor you need.

And in that case, my superhero came to me pretty quickly.

I was Iron man because I was putting on my suit of iron, right?

And like you're going to go in and do battle.

Like visualize that if that's what it takes.

You know, if you're not a journaling person, some people are just a walking.

I think it's learning what's going to work for you because everybody will have Their thing that they said, okay, this worked for me.

Like you said, affirmations.

I was the same way.

I would sit there and look at myself in the mirror and say, affirmations.

So I was blue in the face.

It didn't work because I didn't believe it.

Or I would listen to somebody else's affirmations, which is even worse because it needs to be in your own voice.

If it's not in your own voice, forget about it.

It's not going to sink in.

So I think it's definitely finding what works for you, just like therapy did for me.

I was in therapy for 20 years, tried at least 10 to 15 different therapists, and it was, again, pattern disruption.

I always go back to that.

I always picked the same kind of therapists.

And then I was like, wait a minute.

I'm going to try a completely different therapist that I would never pick.

I ended up with a younger white guy.

Never would have picked a younger white guy.

For me, you know, being an older Hispanic female, that was a therapist that did the best for me when I had always gravitated toward older females, because I was sure I was probably searching out my mommy complex.

But, you know, that's a whole other can of worms.

And you are.

Yes.

And yes, absolutely.

I was gonna say.

That just went right through me when you said searching out, because I was like, oh, yeah.

And that mom, that therapist was going to give you the validation and that and the support and the going on your side versus your father's side that you needed.

Absolutely.

Absolutely.

Yeah.

Pattern dis.

Interrupts are.

I mean, that's why, you know, even deep breathing and things like that, when you're, like, anxious or you're having an anxiety attack or panic attack.

That's why those things work.

Those picture five of these and four of these, because it just stops your brain from what it's thinking, from the normal flow.

Because our normal flow is not necessarily what.

The way it should be flowing.

Nope.

I always say, like, the normal that you think is actually, you know.

And that's part of the whole trust thing, too.

It's like, you got to learn how to trust what your body is telling you.

And I think when you grow up the way that we have, you don't trust your body because you've had an adult that you trust love.

Right.

You think that they should love you and take care of you.

They're telling you the opposite of what your body's telling you.

And I think it's relearning that pattern for you.

It's like, okay, yes, it's safe for me to sit and think and be like, listen to your gut, as they say.

Right.

Or what is your heart telling you?

And like, if you're still silent, which is, you know, that's how I do things, then you're like, okay, what do I really want?

Outside of the noise, out of the because I told you so is right.

I think that's learning to trust yourself again, I think is I'm still on that journey of learning to trust myself.

Yep.

And that's, that takes a lot, a long, long time.

Because then it's like when you get it mastered in one area of your life, then, oh, here's now, here's now, here's business.

And I'm self sabotaging.

I'm doing all of that stuff there and it's still all about.

It all boils down to that sense of I'm, I'm not the not enoughs, not good enough, smart enough, funny enough, happy enough, whatever it is, the not enough.

That's the.

Or the I ams, you know, and, and until you learn that.

And I love that you mentioned feeling it in your body, because there's a psychologist and I quote it a lot.

And I use this example with almost everybody I talk to, but I can't remember who said it, so that's not good.

But.

And she says, just, you know, picture your favorite ice cream and how does that make you feel and feel it in your body?

Like your favorite food.

Right.

Mine would be probably steamed clams.

And when I think about eating steamed clam, I can picture the butter running down my chin like I could watch them on the grill.

And it's like, how does that make me feel?

Oh, my God, it makes me feel amazing.

And then sit with the comment, I deserve all good things and just sit with it and see what comes up.

Because a lot of people go, oh, no, I feel worthy.

I do, I do.

I'm like, well, try that.

Try that when you're silent and sit with it.

And if you have to say it five times, say it and see where you start to get the clench in your stomach, your jaw gets tight, your neck hurts.

Like, it means there's some exploring to do.

And then breathe into that spot.

You know, it's like, breathe that I am lovable into that spot, because it will.

And then I love your, your visualization of throwing the paper away, burning it, writing, and it's a release.

Like you gotta somehow get it out of that body and it does not.

Have a home here anymore.

And I love what you said about, like, feeling where in the body it was for years.

I didn't realize I was doing.

And I still have to remind myself I had my shoulders up like this and I didn't realize I was doing it.

So now I have to, like, tell myself, put your shoulders down.

And it's like that constant rewiring.

So now I'm pretty good.

Most of the time I sit like this.

But every once in a while, when I know I'm in a stressful situation, shoulders will come up nine times out of 10, and it's like learning.

My toes roll.

Like, my.

I will roll my toes in my shoes.

And I can tell, like, when I'm getting tense.

So it's kind of like I'll watch.

Like, I'll just be like, oh, come on, Tammy, relax.

And then all this, you know, I do visualization does kind of work for me, but it works more for me for anchoring points.

Like, I spent a lot of time going to the beach, laying on the beach, looking at the stars or looking at this, the.

The.

The.

Whatever, the sky, and just feeling happy.

Like, until I could feel happy.

So then when something got tense, I can literally now close my eyes and take me back to that spot in.

And it took a long time to be able to do that.

But that's, you know, that's the whole.

That.

That's nlp.

Like, that.

That's a lot of visualization and things like that.

But I agree, it doesn't work for everybody.

And even the concept of meditation, like, a lot of people are like, why have adhd?

I can't meditate.

I'm like, but meditating could be nothing more than doing your laundry and counting.

1, 2, 3, 4, 1.

You know, like, it can be.

It's anything that just.

You can walk and meditate.

You can do laundry and meditate.

That was my thing.

I put on my headphones and I would listen to calming music and I would do my laundry and I would count how many times it folded me or how many pairs.

I just.

It was a pattern, you know, like you said that pattern interrupt.

And so meditating does not look like that.

I can't even sit on the ground and cross my leg.

Although I did hear something really interesting.

And, you know when people meditate and they go ah, it is the only sound that you don't have to do anything to make.

That is why almost every version of the word God has ah in it.

Allah.

God.

If you look, there's tons and tons of gods Most of them somehow have that ah, because, like, to make the sound, you have to move your mouth.

Ah is just the most natural sound that your body can make.

Yeah.

Because you don't have to move your tongue, teeth, lips, anything.

You're right.

Wow.

That's why when people meditate, I know it gives me goosebumps when I think about it, but when you see people meditating and they're just, ah.

It's because they don't have to do.

Anything because they're saying they're still.

Because I know the stillness is a big thing with meditating.

It's like they're staying still because they're not even moving.

Lip served.

Oh, wow.

You learn something new every day.

Yeah.

Isn't that kind of cool?

And that's also.

That sound is the most open pathway, so it stimulates your vagus nerve the most.

So, like.

Yeah.

So if you ever.

It's a very good calming technique, actually, just to be in the car.

Just, just it literally.

So for people that are like, wow, that's interesting.

When you're in traffic and you're angry, do that.

It literally will just bring you down.

Not in a bad way, but in a, in a, In a calming way.

I guess you could say.

Yes.

Yeah.

See, you learned something already.

And it's only 8:42 before I even finish my coffee.

Thank you, Tammy.

Well, this has been absolutely amazing.

I know we could talk about the cycle breaking for absolutely ever because it's so important and I'm so excited that you do what you do, especially as a mom of four, because those kiddos, they need you and they need, you know, you can't pour from an empty cup.

So talk about just a little bit more.

I don't want to keep you forever.

Talk about the things that you do daily to stay in that cycle.

Breaking pattern.

And like on a day like with your kids.

With my kids, I think it's a lot of.

For me, the one thing that I do for them that I wish someone had done for me is getting down on their level to talk and not mean, like, looking down at them.

I think it's so easy as a parent because of the height differential, like sitting down on the floor with them, looking them in the eye and just having a conversation or when they're upset, giving them that space to be upset.

Because I know so many adults who've grown up the way that we have, they didn't have that.

So, you know, I think in turn, by giving them that and giving them again, like you said, as a Parent.

You're like, oh, I'm just going to do the opposite of what my parents did.

And then you raise very entitled, spoiled children.

I learned that the hard way.

So, you know, so it's just, again, it's a pattern disruption.

If they're having that meltdown, it's like, okay, we're gonna sit down.

We're gonna talk about it without judgment.

And they know that they have that space, I think, at that point to come to me when they're having issues at school or some kind of problem.

And it's all about communication.

Because with me, I'm modeling a behavior that I want so, you know, if I'm ready to, like, lose my crap.

And, you know, it's like, okay, maybe I need to go to the bathroom.

Every mom will know.

It's like, I'm gonna go to the bathroom.

And it's like, no, I need to reset.

Right.

So it's a reset.

Go to the bathroom, splash water on your face, breathe, and then go back out into the battle that is parenthood.

Right.

And that's.

And.

And you're right, because modeling is everything.

It's not what you say.

It's what you do.

Actually, you know, there's all those little cliches that.

I hate to use those little cliches, but, you know, actions speak louder than words.

They absolute.

Absolutely 100 positively do.

So if you're saying one thing and doing another, that there in hence lies the confusion and the.

And that's what kids don't like.

Kids like to know.

They would rather not like what they hear than not know.

Yes.

And mine will ask until they figure it out.

Because I.

My karma was having very curious children, so.

Yes.

Yes.

Why?

Why?

And it's so hard because.

Because.

Just.

Because it doesn't.

Doesn't matter, you know?

Yeah.

And I still find myself when people are like, well, how does that work?

And I'm like, I don't know.

I don't know how electricity works, but I use it every day.

Yes.

Or my kids will tell me, well, how do you not know this?

I'm like, I don't know.

Go ask Siri or go ask Alexa.

He has to come and refrain in my house.

Because they would.

I was like, but you don't know all the things.

I'm like, no, I don't know all the things.

That's what I say.

Google knows everything.

Yes, exactly.

I'm like, go.

Go do Google.

We have an Alexa now.

Go ask Alexa.

Yeah, that's great.

That's great.

But thank you.

For all the helpful tips, because for the listeners, I mean, so many of them are probably parents.

I'm only can.

I can only assume a lot of the people that reach out to me are on the beginning stages of this healing journey, are just figuring out like, huh, maybe some of this did follow me into adulthood.

Maybe I'm not as happy.

Maybe when I ask myself, you know, or say I deserve all good things, I don't embrace that thought, you know, so the, the beginning tips and tricks are super, super helpful.

Like I said, it's things that I wish I.

That's why I do what I do.

Because had someone told me all this stuff when I was 26, it would have really sped up the whole process.

Exactly.

I wish I could go back to that, that 20 something version of me, but, you know, that's why we do what we do now.

That's what we do.

We do.

You got that right.

So, Becky, thank you so much for coming on, but where do people find you?

How do they work with you?

I'm gonna put everything you gave me in the show notes, but what is the best, quickest, easiest place for them to get to you?

Instagram.

I am there.

My DMS are open.

I'm also on tick tock, YouTube, all the channels that Tammy will put in there.

But yeah, I answer my own emails and DMS too, so that is the easiest way to get a hold of me.

You don't have an AI autoresponder bot?

No, I do not have an AI auto.

I am a human first person.

I mean, don't get me wrong, I love my technology, but I have a psychology degree for a reason.

Tech is not always my friend.

No, amen to that.

No, I was listening to something the other day and all the comments were, thank you so much.

Thank you so much.

And I'm like, this wasn't even him talking because whenever he was supposed to say lives, he said lives.

Every time they lied.

He lives there.

No, he lives there.

Oh my goodness.

Right away I'm like, it is not a real person talking.

Like, stop.

Like.

And I just turned it off.

I was like, well, okay, that might have been some valuable information.

And there was like 5, 000 comments.

I'm like 5, 000 people that think they are listening to this really well respected person that they're not.

Oh, it's just frustrating to me.

But yes, we appreciate that.

I'm.

And which is why sometimes, like I say to people, I'm sorry, I got back to you in 12 hours and not two seconds because I actually respond to my emails too, so that's awesome.

So before you leave us, can you give us one last words, a bit of words of wisdom, or what would be your final advice to people listening?

Grace.

100%.

Give yourself grace.

You're going to mess up.

You're going to go backwards.

Expect it.

And I think if you expect it, you won't beat yourself up so bad if you do.

Because even those of us like Tammy and I, who've been doing this for a very long time still have our days.

So it's okay.

Get back up on the horse.

Perfect.

Thank you so much for Becky for coming for.

Thank you.

Coffee.

Thank you, Tammy.

You're very welcome.

And for everybody else out there listening, you heard it.

Give yourself that grace that you so, so deserve.

No matter how hard it is, you are worthy, you are lovable, you are loved.

And you need to keep moving forward because you are absolutely amazing.

You all have a blessed day.

Bye.

Bye.

Now find the record button.