E 224: Trauma Recovery, Women’s Empowerment, and Unapologetic Transformation: Guest Leticia Francis

Well, good morning everybody and welcome back to another episode of Adult Child of Dysfunction.

Today we have with us Leticia Francis.

She is a trauma recovery mentor, a keynote speaker and author of Survival Mode Exit Plan known as the Survival Mode Mode Disruptor.

I love that she helps high achieving women break free from Survival Mode and reclaim lives rooted in truth, ease and power.

With lived experience and a no fluff delivery, Leticia's keynotes ignite healing Identity shifts, an unapologetic transformation.

First of all, I love that unapologetic because that's my thing.

I'm like, I am going to be unapologetically me, absolutely, like it or not.

So we're going to jump right in.

But I do have to comment because one of the comments you made in your, I guess it was your application or whatever you did literally said, I met a man at 14 who was twice my age who literally who eventually married me and eventually stabbed me.

Did I read that correct?

Absolutely.

So let's just jump right in and, and let's just talk about that.

Yeah, absolutely.

So before I can even get to that point, I must start with.

I grew up on a very small Island, Bermuda, 21 square miles.

And I had a lot of family in issues, both of my parents, while my parents divorced when I was very young, both of my parents remarried and they remarried people who wanted nothing to do with me.

So I grew up feeling like I was living in between two family units.

There were other children involved, but I wasn't received as well as those other children.

So I, from a very young age was seeking attention and seeking it in all the wrong places.

I lost my virginity via rape at the age of 12.

And although I knew I had been raped, I appreciated the attention that I was getting from the man that were interested in having sex with me.

Which led me to the point where I was introduced to this man who was nearly 30 when I was 14.

The relationship initially felt like an escape because he had his own place.

Well, it wasn't his own place, but he had a place for me to go to.

And I spent a lot of time after school on weekends with him.

The relationship, when it started, he was, I would say, my night in shining armor.

And that comes because I am a Disney fan.

But he was my Prince Charming.

He was the peace in my chaos dealing with all of the emotional neglect that I received from my parents.

But as time went on and he knew more about me, he I, hindsight is 20:20 can see now how he groomed me into the perfect girlfriend.

And later the perfect wife.

The first time he put his hands on me, I was 15.

He choked me from behind, and I knew then that I needed to leave that relationship.

However, my family life hadn't improved.

I had gotten into an argument with my mother's husband.

He taunted me to commit suicide, which I attempted.

And that exchange pretty much pushed me back into the hands of this man who had already attempted to assault me.

So when did you get.

When did you get married?

How old were you when you got married?

I was 19 when I got married to him.

And immediately after the marriage, he made it very clear that I was his property.

That's what he saw me as.

I wasn't a wife, I wasn't a partner.

I was his property.

And I was only good at enough.

Well, as he defined me, he made it very clear that I owed him because he took me in when my family had kicked me out, and he was like, you know, I took care of you, so you belong to me.

Well, at the time, oh, my gosh.

And first of all, just to even just break in there, Nobody owns anybody.

And isn't it sad that you can be so starving for attention and.

And love and that just whatever.

You didn't get that, like you said, he was your knight in shining, shining armor.

But it's.

It's amazing that we will let ourselves be okay with that.

And I'm sure right now if, like, you look back now, if you're like, if you were 19 today, you'd be like, oh, hell no.

Absolutely.

If I could go back, I mean, the trajectory of my life would have been completely different.

I operated from fear, immense fear.

Right.

So, you know, I got kicked out of my mom's house.

I had never been on my own.

So for me, it was like, this is the ideal place for me to go.

And he took me in.

But he used that as a bargaining chip, which really, you know, cemented the abuse, the emotional abuse that I received.

He was physically abusive, sexually abusive.

I went through the ringer, and what was interesting is, at the time, I was working in law enforcement.

I was working alongside the police as a customs officer.

And I had the opportunity to report what was going on.

But as I mentioned, I'm from a very small community.

Your business spreads faster than the flu in Bermuda.

And I really didn't want.

Yeah, you're on 21 square miles.

It's not like you can run and hide.

I mean, you're going to run into this person over and over and over again, and probably I can.

First of all, Let me say, I love Bermuda.

I go on a lot of cruises, and it is without a doubt my favorite island.

I we our joke, my husband and I, when we go to Bermuda is we bet who can find the first piece of garbage on the ground and never do we ever find one.

So that just.

Sorry I had to stick that in there because as soon as you said Bermuda, I got, like, chills.

Like, oh, that's the clean island.

Very clean, you know.

But because it was such a small island, people's business, like I said, spread faster than the flu.

I didn't want anybody in my business.

So I kept quiet.

And I kept quiet for a very long time.

I started planning my exit from the relationship after having multiple conversations with one of my friends who was also being abused.

And it just so happened, one night she called me.

She called my landline, and she was looking for advice about her situation.

She was unaware of my situation because, again, I didn't share with her right.

That day I thought I had lost my cell phone, and which is why she had called me on my landline.

She was calling to tell me that she had called my cell phone and my husband an.

And he sounded angry.

And I knew that if he had myself in, it meant that he probably saw my plans to leave.

Yes.

Anyway, her and I had a conversation, and in order to encourage her, I randomly opened a book by Iyanla Van Zandt called Until Today.

It's a daily devotional, and I randomly picked a passage out of it.

That passage spoke about how people are in our lives for a seasonal reason in a lifetime.

And the reason why our interpersonal relationships don't work often is we're trying to keep somebody in our lives whose time had passed.

And I remember sitting there reading this to her and feeling like I was preaching to myself.

I knew that I needed to leave that relationship.

That was an interesting realization that day, because that was the day that my husband came home and stabbed me.

He had found my plans to leave the relationship.

I had been applying to multiple universities overseas.

And my plan was to tell him that I was going to one university when I actually was going to another and just essentially disappear and then file for divorce.

He told me that day the only reason what, the only way that I will leave him is in a body bag.

And he proceeded to barricade the room that we were in.

And I remember fighting for my life as if I was watching someone on the screen fight.

It was like an auto body experience.

And I remember clearly remember seeing the 9th row incident, but it wasn't until someone tried to get into the barricaded room that I was.

I. I ran out of the room.

I fell on a couch, and he followed behind me, still trying to stab me.

And at that point, I thought he was trying.

I didn't actually realize that I had been stabbed.

Stabbed.

I was kicked out of the house that we were in by his friend because his friend didn't want the police to be called.

Before the chaos kicked off, I managed to call my mom, and I asked her, you need to come get me right now.

So I'm outside.

I'm now feeling this warmth on my body, not recognizing that it was my blood.

And my mom pulled up, and she actually listened.

She pulled up, and when she pulled up, she was screaming, oh, my God, you're bleeding.

You're bleeding, you're bleeding.

What happened?

What happened?

In the chaos, my then husband started throwing my clothes and my belongings outside.

It was raining, very muddy, and he threw out a bag that contained about $20,000 worth of leather goods.

And there's leather goods were gifts, and I'm sorry, you know, gifts that my husband had given me over the years.

And at that age, I'm in my early 20s, it was valuable.

I felt like I had earned it.

So I stuffed it in the car.

And he came out and he realized that he had thrown it, and he tried to fight me again to get the bags out of the car.

And my mom was like, just let him have it.

Like, just let him have it.

And it was.

If she hadn't screamed out, I don't think I actually would have registered how much danger that I was actually in.

And I got in the car and we laughed.

So when I left, my mom was like, we're going to go to the hospital.

And I was like, how?

No.

How?

No, I'm not going to the hospital.

Because if I go to the hospital, they're going to call the police, and I don't want the police involved.

So I went to my mom's house.

We managed to stop the bleeding, and she then said to me, I don't know what you're going to do, but you can't stay here.

Just add insult to injury, right?

Yeah.

The one person that should have protected me in my very worst moment was neglecting me once again.

And I was then taken to the police station.

And then I was escorted to a woman's resource center and home, where I remained for the next two months while I built my life, while I rebuilt my life.

So I thought.

But that rebuild wasn't successful.

What I was left with was a lot of negative thoughts.

And I silenced my thoughts at the bottom of a liquor bottle.

And I spent years drinking to absolute blackout most days just because I had just had so much going on.

I.

You know, having to rebuild my life, having to figure out how to pay bills, like, this is my first time on my own, and really being alone, like, no one assisted me.

And I was angry about that, of course, Immensely.

You know, I later built my life, and I ended up in Atlanta with a full scholarship to go to Georgia State University.

And life slowly got back a little better.

But I think what happened, as always, is I felt alone, I felt abandoned, I felt neglected.

And any little attention that I got, I held onto it like it was the holy grail.

And I met this man who, at the time, seemed very kind and sweet, and things moved very quickly.

And within six weeks, I was living with him, only to find out that he was a cocaine addict.

As I was on a full scholarship, I had access to money, a lot of money, and he managed to drain me of ms, every dime that I had.

And that relationship ended when I found out that he had a wife.

And that was after being with him for nearly three years.

So, again, I'm left at this space of I need to rebuild my life.

I don't really know how to.

And I feel ashamed for all of the things that I've been through.

And I ended up moving back to Bermuda, focusing on my career.

I was in commercial insurance, and things were going well again.

And this time, I really was focused on my healing.

I had gotten every book that Iyanla Venzant owned at this time.

She had just released Peace from Broken Pieces.

And I delved into that book like it was my lifesaver.

And I really started working on me.

I really started going back and reflecting on all of the experiences that I had and trying to rewrite my narrative and do things a little different.

And then I met this guy.

And.

Again, it was like this utopia, this Hallmark movie that was happening.

Another relationship that moved very quickly.

Within four weeks, we were living together.

And then one of his family members died, and he relapsed on crack cocaine.

So you just.

You just went through a lifetime and knowing how to pick them, right?

But it's not.

It's not even that you didn't know how to pick them.

It's that you were.

That's how you were wired because of your living, your parents.

It didn't start with that first guy when you were 14.

It started with the neglect for years and years and years with your parents.

So you had this, like, insane, insatiable at, like, in, like, needing to be loved.

So of course, every relationship is going to go fast.

Everybody is going to be your knight in shining armor.

You know, I mean, people ask me, well, why did you marry him?

Or why were you with him?

And I'm like, because it's the first person that I thought truly loved me.

Like, I can remember saying those exact words.

And like I said, now you're looking back at it.

Because I want to jump into what you did to heal what you did to, you know, to move and to.

And to shake and to become the happy person that you are now.

Yeah.

So it happened after this crack cocaine relapse.

So he had been stealing.

He was a chef.

He had been stealing from his job.

One day he asked me to go to his job and pick up a bag.

And I was oblivious to the fact that I was picking up stolen items.

So the items, when I went to pick them up, I was surrounded by security.

The items were removed from me, and I went on with my day.

He was arrested.

He lost his job, and I thought nothing else of it until about three weeks later, the receptionist at my job called me to tell me that the police were there.

And I was arrested for handling sterling goods.

So I'm now at the jail with my one call.

I called my mother and I said, listen, I need you to go get me a lawyer.

And she did one better than that.

She came to visit.

But in that visit, she asked me a single question.

She said, why do you love everyone else more than you love yourself?

And that was like a Mike Tyson body blue.

It winded me.

I didn't have an explanation.

I ended up going back to my sal and sitting with the fact that she was right.

And while I wasn't responsible, I wasn't solely responsible for why I was in that jail that day.

Because I hadn't stood in anything.

My decisions were the reason why I was there.

I made that decision to stay in a relationship with someone who was using crack cocaine.

I made the decision to not ask questions when he asked me to do things.

I made that decision, and I had to earn it.

So after I got released from jail, no charges were ever filed.

I found myself a coach.

And I knew that if I didn't change the way that I was showing up in life, I would end up in jail permanently.

And that wasn't something that I wanted to do.

Working with the coach, she was a very straightforward, straight Shooter, no fluff, similar to me.

And she constantly held a mirror to my narrative.

She let me see that I was very comfortable with the victim hat that I had placed on my head, and that by being a victim, that I was given away my control.

And that helped me to change my life.

It helped me to take ownership of my life.

Like, I'm not a victim.

I have been victimized, but I've survived everything that I've been through.

And it's created such a strong woman who had to navigate life completely alone.

Yeah, my mom was present, but her actions were the reason why I had experienced so much at such a young age.

And I just had to put in the work to shift my narrative, to shift the way that I thought about myself, to shift the way that I thought about my circumstances, to shift the way that I thought about my future.

And that allowed me to shift my life.

So I end up leaving Bermuda and I moved to England.

I spent time working on my career, but at the same time, I also got trauma informed.

I also trained to be a coach.

And after many, many years, I end up having children.

And having those children really kind of put everything into perspective.

First of all, I had to prioritize my healing because I don't want to mess up my kids the way that I was messed up up.

But I also want to be able to be impactful in this world.

It wasn't about making money for me anymore.

It was about the impact that I was making.

And I walked away from my nine to five and I started a business, which six years later, I'm still here doing my stuff and doing my best to leave my mark on the world.

You know, I spent a lot of time talking about the residual impacts of trauma.

I talk a lot about the survival identities that we pick up as a result of our experience.

And I spoke about that because I feel like if I knew that half of the way that I carried myself was a trauma response, and I had the tools early on to change that, I think I would have been able to re my.

Right, my.

My story a lot earlier.

So you would definitely.

You would have definitely avoided a lot of the circumstances that you got into because you were making bad choices.

Because that's what you.

That's what we do.

Like, that's, you know, with those trauma responses.

Tell me, because I want the listeners to.

I know we don't have a long, long time, but I want the listeners to really hear some tangible things.

Like, what did you do?

Like, I know you worked with a coach, but what were some of the steps she walked you through.

I know you're using, like, the words that some people aren't even familiar with, like rewriting your narrative trauma.

You know, how you're walking in your trauma response.

Give me some examples of that.

Yep.

So a great example of a trauma response is our survival identity that I picked up as a people pleaser.

I was terrified of making other people unhappy, so I did everything for everybody.

Even when my soul was crying out no.

One of the things that I learned was, yeah, that was a trauma response that was given to me early on by my relationship with my father.

And it just grew, which allowed me to end up in these abusive relationships because I never stood up for myself.

I didn't know how to advocate for myself.

So understanding that and learning to rewrite the narrative as we spoke, it was me understanding that I didn't have to please anybody.

I didn't have to show up for anybody other than myself.

And learning that, like, I had to learn how to say no.

No is a complete sentence that escaped me for many, many years.

And it started.

I'm sorry, I don't want to interrupt you, but it started way, way back when you said that you were raped at 12, and then all of a sudden, you know, at 14, you were active and active, and it was because of, you know, your need for attention and everything else.

It was also from a need of lack of boundaries.

You didn't even know at that point.

You could probably say, no, that's what happened to me.

That was.

And then at that point, by the time it's been like, oh, whatever, then it's like, you have such little respect and so much shame and little respect for your body.

It just doesn't even matter.

But that.

That is.

That starts so young.

And it all ties together, all the people pleasing and the boundaries.

And I mean, it's.

I love what you.

And that's why I do what I do.

Because it's like, oh, my gosh, if we had known, or at 20, if somebody had told me these things, not 56, like, I don't want people to be 55, 56, and going, wow, all this is still following me.

Exactly.

And it was just small things like that, chipping away at the survival identities that I had picked up, picking away at, you know, the trauma responses.

I was highly defensive and not even understanding why, not even being in a place where I needed to be defensive.

And I was on the fence, ready to, you know, ready to fight because, you know, the environments that I had been in led me to that place where I had to defend myself all the time.

So it was really picking apart the negative parts of myself.

And I don't say that as if it's a bad thing.

We all have flaws, and really accepting my flaws, accepting my experience as well.

And for a lot of people, the word acceptance is something that they are resisting against.

It doesn't mean that I condone, but the issue was that I didn't accept the parts of me that actually made me me.

And that was, you know, a lack of self love, a lack of self worth.

It was coming to terms with the person that I was and getting to know, like, trust and accept her, which was huge in my recovery, in my healing, and in my journey forward.

Oh, yeah.

I can't even.

I know.

It's.

It's crazy.

And that's the hardest thing.

And also, like you said, looking at your part in it, like, what are you doing in it?

Because so often we just play the shame game, and it's not.

You know, I always tell people, you're not becoming a new you.

You're literally going back to the you that was you before.

You were.

I don't want to say damaged, but before you were betrayed and hurt and your lens of the world was completely shifted.

You were that person.

You're still that person.

That's why I think it's so important for people, and you probably can agree with this, that it all comes from the inside.

All.

Everything, every single mindset shift has to be made from the inside out.

Absolutely.

It all starts at the end.

And we all have everything that we need in order to move ourselves forward.

It's about digging deep and trust in the process.

Mm.

Absolutely.

What was your favorite.

What was.

Do you think your favorite tool in your healing process was?

If you had to pick one?

Definitely setting boundaries.

That made it big for me.

It allowed me to control my peace, which I never was able to do before.

Absolutely.

Yeah.

And boundaries are absolutely everything.

And people think boundaries are just saying no, but no.

They're also saying, because when you're saying no to something else, you're saying yes to yourself.

So boundaries could also just be the saying yes to yourself on an occasion.

Sorry, my dog is barking.

But.

But can you hear her?

You can see her, too.

She's in the background barking her full head off.

Molly, stop now.

I can't hear her.

But.

But no, It's.

There's so many.

The boundaries was a huge, huge one, and that's a lifelong process, and that's something that, you know And I tell people it's not just.

You don't just wake up one morning and say, oh, I'm going to say no.

I'm going to say yes to myself and no to other things.

It's a process of being, first of all, feeling worthy enough to set a boundary, knowing what even you want them set around.

Because I don't know about you, but, like, I know when I was in the throes of that, in my teens, where I just had very little respect for myself, and I didn't even know what boundaries I could set or that I wanted to set.

Absolutely.

It's definitely a learning process, and it grows and it evolves as we grow and evolve.

Yeah, absolutely.

So I.

This has been super fun.

I could literally talk to you forever.

But I want you to give.

Okay, so boundaries is the one.

Is one that was your biggest thing of setting boundaries?

Do you have a practical tool?

Like, if somebody is questioning or they're sitting here and they're resonating with this?

Because so many of the people that listen to this podcast, they've never.

They're just starting out on this journey.

They're just now going, wow, I didn't even realize that followed me, and I didn't realize that, you know, I don't look people straight in the eye and my stomach clenches when I see a man.

And, like, they don't realize that the stuff that happens as a child stays with you forever and ever until you deal with it.

So what.

What other tool?

Give me a few more that you use.

Like, I was huge with journaling.

Yes, journaling is huge.

I. I always say that, you know, get raw with yourself on a piece of paper.

Like, that's the best way.

I definitely journaled a lot.

I have books and books and books, and every time, even still, that's one of the biggest tools that I use.

I recently separated from my children's father, and I spent about a month just journaling all of my feelings and emotions in order for me to let go.

The other thing is being honest.

Oftentimes we're not honest.

And this is being honest with ourselves.

Right.

Like, what is our intentions when we take action, especially when it involves other people.

And oftentimes we don't sit back and we analyze that.

So I think it's spending time getting honest about why we do the things that we do can help shift our actions into ones that are more aligned with where we want to go.

And then lastly, it's, I think, getting clear on our core values.

Amen.

It's huge.

Like that clarity then allows you to analyze how to take action.

Right?

Like there is nothing in my life that I do today that isn't aligned, aligns with my values.

Not one thing.

And before I embark on anything, there is this reflection on is this taking me closer to where I want to be and is this aligned with who I want to show up as?

And if the answer is no, then the action is no as well.

And I just think that's key.

It's helped me not to get into circumstances which then can trigger me, which then can set me back.

And it's just being honest about the life that I want to create for myself and showing up as that woman every single day of the week.

Amen.

I love that.

And I call them my non negotiables.

So it's like I know my ultimate path is just peace and harmony and living the life I want to live.

So every time I have to make a decision, it's like, you know, everything.

It's like, does it get me closer or does it get me farther away from that ultimate goal?

If it gets me farther away, I don't care if it's a relationship I have to sever, I don't care if it, what it is, it's non negotiable.

And then it, to me, it kind of takes the emotion out of it because I don't have to feel guilty about it, I don't have to feel sorry about it because honestly, I, like we said in the beginning, unapologetic, unapologetically authentic.

So I don't owe anybody an explanation.

You ever read Wayne Dyer?

No.

Oh, gosh, you have to read.

You have to read Wayne Dyer.

You will absolutely write that down.

You absolutely love his book.

I'm rereading one right now called the erroneous.

Your erroneous zones, not erogenous.

A lot of people get that mixed up and thinks it's a dirty book, but it's not.

It's the erroneous zones.

And that's one of the ones he talks about is, you know what?

Just people pleasing.

He talks a lot about that.

But it's like just pillars of just fundamental concepts of life.

And it was written many, many, many, many years ago.

But it's such good wisdom because that's one of them is, you know, exactly what your mother said to you.

When you say yes to somebody else instead of yourself, what you're basically saying is that you care about them more than you care about yourself.

And I remember the day, I remember saying to someone.

I say it to people all the time.

Still.

I just said it the other day when somebody was like, well, they.

They didn't like that.

They didn't like what you said.

Blah.

Bl.

I was like, listen, what other people think of me is none of my business.

Not one ounce of my business at that.

Yep.

I said, I know in my heart I have never maliciously ever hurt anybody in my life, so why should I apologize for anything I say or do?

I should not, you know, So I love it.

I love it.

Well, Leticia, thanks so much for coming on.

But before you leave, where can people find you?

I know I love your coaching style.

I'm sure it's very much probably like mine.

I know my clients have said to me, you know, oh, I don't know.

I will call you, and I know I need to hear what you have to say, but I don't always like it.

But I wish.

I wish someone had told me the hard things.

I wish someone had told me, you know, in my early 20s, when I was just starting to figure this out, I wish someone had said, hey, suck it up, buttercup.

And you can't.

You got to get out of the past.

You got to start looking at choices now, and you got to start just making better decisions, period.

Like, I wish someone had, like, slapped me in the side of the head and been like, get out of your pity.

I mean, I just.

Not that.

Not that I'm talking to anybody out there, but I know what I needed.

I needed a. I needed a strong person that was going to hold me with safety and compassion, but also give me the truth.

And I feel like that's what you give.

So how can people reach you?

Absolutely.

The best way to get in contact with me is via my website, latisharenaefrancis.com Ali T I C I A R E N E E F R A n c I s.com there you'll find information about my book, my podcast, my membership.

I also have some free resources there for them as well.

And then it gives you the link to my social media.

Um, yeah.

And that's the best way to get in contact with me.

I love it.

And I will put all that in the show notes so people don't have to drive and write and try to think about it.

They can just get it in the show notes.

And then before you go, I want you to leave the listeners with one more piece of advice.

Some words to wisdom or something to just make their day a little better.

Yeah, I.

This is something I close up my my podcast with so I'm going to leave that with your audience.

You were not built to break, but you damn sure were not built to just survive.

So reclaim your life by disrupting the cycle and thriving on your own terms.

Absolutely.

Love it.

Thank you so much, Leticia for coming on.

Thank you for having me, Tammy.

Yes, I really had a good time and for everybody out there listening, you heard it.

You were not born to break.

But start.

Just start walking one step at a time.

Start walking out and being you every time you have a choice.

Just think about it.

Just question yourself.

Is this going to make me happier?

Is this going to get me where I want to be or is this going to keep me stuck?

Because stuck sucks.

We do not want to be stuck.

So you all have a wonderful and blessed day and we will see you back soon.

Thanks, Tammy.

You're welcome.