From 6-Figure Stripper To 6-Figure Therapist

1 00:00:02,910 --> 00:00:05,580 Dr. Arcella Trimble: Hello, I am Dr. Arcella and I want to 2 00:00:05,580 --> 00:00:10,140 welcome you to another episode of six figure therapist. I am so 3 00:00:10,140 --> 00:00:12,660 excited today because I am speaking with Stephanie 4 00:00:12,660 --> 00:00:16,560 Gonzalez. And I'm gonna get you to tell a little bit about 5 00:00:16,560 --> 00:00:20,730 yourself Stephanie and then also tell them how we met. So first 6 00:00:20,730 --> 00:00:22,050 tell us about yourself. 7 00:00:22,900 --> 00:00:25,240 Stephanie Gonzales: My name is Stephanie Gonzalez and I am a 8 00:00:25,270 --> 00:00:29,350 LCSW, which is a licensed clinical social worker in Kihei 9 00:00:29,380 --> 00:00:34,630 Maui, which is in Hawaii. I currently work for Medicaid 10 00:00:34,630 --> 00:00:38,080 company called Ohana health plan, where I am a primary 11 00:00:38,080 --> 00:00:47,620 health coordinator. Okay, sorry, I'm gonna put her Hi, I'm 12 00:00:47,620 --> 00:00:50,650 Stephanie Gonzalez, and I'm a licensed clinical social worker 13 00:00:50,680 --> 00:00:54,160 in Maui, Hawaii. And I currently work for manage health care plan 14 00:00:54,160 --> 00:00:58,120 on the Medicaid side during helping people have in home 15 00:00:58,120 --> 00:01:00,670 support services, especially those with severe mental 16 00:01:00,670 --> 00:01:05,200 illness. On the side, I have a private practice called Wellness 17 00:01:05,200 --> 00:01:09,760 kuleana and kuleana in Hawaii means responsibility. So 18 00:01:09,760 --> 00:01:13,660 wellness responsibility, I do my private practice maybe five to 19 00:01:13,660 --> 00:01:17,860 10 hours a week. And I worked full time as a health 20 00:01:17,860 --> 00:01:22,210 coordinator with Ohana health plan. And how I met Dr. Trimble 21 00:01:22,420 --> 00:01:27,190 was at a residency through my Ph.D program in Maui. I was 22 00:01:27,190 --> 00:01:29,470 looking for someone who would work well with me for my 23 00:01:29,470 --> 00:01:32,980 dissertation, and trying to find somebody who felt comfortable 24 00:01:32,980 --> 00:01:36,580 speaking about topics surrounded around sex. And I will talk to 25 00:01:36,580 --> 00:01:39,070 Dr. Neighbors, I reached out to her and she said you know who 26 00:01:39,070 --> 00:01:42,580 would be a great match for you Dr. Trimble. And so as soon as 27 00:01:42,580 --> 00:01:45,100 she told me that I hurried up and scheduled to get in an 28 00:01:45,100 --> 00:01:48,610 assessment or a counseling session, with you Dr. Trimble, 29 00:01:48,760 --> 00:01:51,730 followed by Dr. Duvall, who also works very well with you, who 30 00:01:51,730 --> 00:01:54,670 also suggested that I tried to pursue you for my committee 31 00:01:54,670 --> 00:01:55,120 chair. 32 00:01:56,310 --> 00:01:58,170 Dr. Arcella Trimble: Well, I'm excited and I can't wait to 33 00:01:58,170 --> 00:02:01,290 start the work to that we're going to do for you and about 34 00:02:01,290 --> 00:02:08,220 your topic. So okay, so you are a clinical social worker. And so 35 00:02:08,220 --> 00:02:10,770 the one of the questions I always ask everybody is, how did 36 00:02:10,770 --> 00:02:14,190 you get into mental health? Like, what what got you started. 37 00:02:15,480 --> 00:02:18,030 Stephanie Gonzales: So I have a family full of people with 38 00:02:18,030 --> 00:02:21,690 borderline personality disorder. And mainly because my mother 39 00:02:21,690 --> 00:02:24,900 came from a situation where there was domestic violence. And 40 00:02:24,900 --> 00:02:29,190 my grandfather would beat my grandmother uncontrollably, to 41 00:02:29,190 --> 00:02:32,640 the point where my grandmother would try to run and hide from 42 00:02:32,640 --> 00:02:36,270 him. And during the 60s and 70s, women didn't really have a lot 43 00:02:36,270 --> 00:02:39,180 of options to just go buy a home or to rent a home, you needed a 44 00:02:39,180 --> 00:02:42,120 man to do that for you. So it made things extremely difficult 45 00:02:42,120 --> 00:02:44,970 for my grandmother to kind of get out and find herself. 46 00:02:46,080 --> 00:02:48,900 Safety. So she ended up living in that environment until my 47 00:02:48,900 --> 00:02:52,440 grandfather got bored and found himself a new wife. And when he 48 00:02:52,530 --> 00:02:56,190 in that he had caused a lot of trauma to my grandmother and her 49 00:02:56,190 --> 00:03:00,300 six girls. And so I grew up with not only my aunts with the 50 00:03:00,300 --> 00:03:03,480 borderline issues, but also my cousins, because trauma breeds 51 00:03:03,480 --> 00:03:06,450 trauma. And at the time, I wasn't aware of what the 52 00:03:06,450 --> 00:03:09,210 borderline was, I was just aware that I had family members with 53 00:03:09,210 --> 00:03:12,210 poor behavior and a lot of trauma. And I really wanted to 54 00:03:12,210 --> 00:03:16,140 understand and kind of get to the root of that. So I pursued 55 00:03:16,140 --> 00:03:18,570 social sociology at first because I wanted to understand 56 00:03:18,570 --> 00:03:21,840 people and not just individuals, but groups of people, and why 57 00:03:21,840 --> 00:03:23,910 they interacted the way that they did within their social 58 00:03:23,910 --> 00:03:27,360 environment. And it was from there that I was like, Oh, haha, 59 00:03:28,170 --> 00:03:31,260 these people were living in trauma together, and they were 60 00:03:31,290 --> 00:03:33,870 not really thriving together. And so that's why it was 61 00:03:33,870 --> 00:03:36,780 becoming a problem. And from there, I said, Okay, sociology 62 00:03:36,780 --> 00:03:41,250 is a great theoretical backing, but how can I apply what I've 63 00:03:41,250 --> 00:03:45,210 learned, and that and that, so, so social environment. So 64 00:03:45,270 --> 00:03:48,120 naturally, I thought Social Work was a great fit for me, because 65 00:03:48,120 --> 00:03:50,820 they really took that sociological theory and applied 66 00:03:50,820 --> 00:03:53,250 it. And so I went into social work. And then I started to 67 00:03:53,250 --> 00:03:55,530 realize that there are many things that I can do in social 68 00:03:55,530 --> 00:03:58,710 work. And, you know, taking it from a humanistic approach, 69 00:03:58,740 --> 00:04:01,470 which, you know, I'm really a humanistic therapist, that 70 00:04:01,470 --> 00:04:04,230 people, if they don't have their basic needs met safety in my 71 00:04:04,230 --> 00:04:08,160 mom's case, then they're never going to thrive. So if I can 72 00:04:08,160 --> 00:04:12,000 start meeting people where they are, and start helping them get 73 00:04:12,000 --> 00:04:14,820 the needs that they need to have met, prior to doing the serve 74 00:04:14,880 --> 00:04:17,850 the therapy, the one on one, then I'm providing them a much 75 00:04:17,850 --> 00:04:21,060 stronger foundation so that they can learn coping skills and 76 00:04:21,330 --> 00:04:24,210 learn how to function and adapt to the world that they live in. 77 00:04:24,750 --> 00:04:28,200 And that's kind of how I drifted into social work. And from 78 00:04:28,200 --> 00:04:31,290 there, I said, you know, I'm understanding people on their 79 00:04:31,290 --> 00:04:33,570 social environment, but now I want to understand what's going 80 00:04:33,570 --> 00:04:36,090 on in their brain. And what's the neurology behind what's 81 00:04:36,090 --> 00:04:39,150 going on in their brain? And how did that PTSD affect their 82 00:04:39,150 --> 00:04:41,850 brain? And how did that contribute to the personality 83 00:04:41,850 --> 00:04:45,060 disorder? And what does that look like? And so I decided to 84 00:04:45,060 --> 00:04:49,170 pursue a PhD and I'm currently in four out of my six years of 85 00:04:49,170 --> 00:04:53,100 my PhD in clinical psych, and just starting the dissertation 86 00:04:53,100 --> 00:04:55,950 route now, and hopefully I will be finishing up shortly. 87 00:04:56,400 --> 00:04:59,100 Dr. Arcella Trimble: Okay. All right. So okay, so then 88 00:04:59,100 --> 00:05:01,620 basically when you start relevant sociology in 89 00:05:01,620 --> 00:05:05,100 undergraduate, and then you switched to psychology? Because 90 00:05:05,700 --> 00:05:08,040 isn't that what happened then later on? You were like, okay, 91 00:05:08,040 --> 00:05:10,980 social work, which is a really interesting point that, you 92 00:05:10,980 --> 00:05:13,200 know, sometimes my students asked, you know, well, where 93 00:05:13,200 --> 00:05:16,320 should I go into? And I always, definitely get them to consider 94 00:05:16,320 --> 00:05:19,650 social work, because I think what you're saying is Social 95 00:05:19,650 --> 00:05:22,350 Work has that unique characteristic where we can help 96 00:05:22,350 --> 00:05:26,910 people with needs, but we also can provide the therapy. And I 97 00:05:26,910 --> 00:05:30,750 think that that also, like you said, is needed. So to be able 98 00:05:30,750 --> 00:05:33,990 to combine both. Yeah, I think that that profession, and of 99 00:05:33,990 --> 00:05:36,810 course, it's, you know, been around forever, and I, and it's 100 00:05:36,810 --> 00:05:39,960 starting to evolve and change even more just like the rest of 101 00:05:39,960 --> 00:05:45,660 our profession. So, yeah, that makes sense. Okay. All right. So 102 00:05:45,660 --> 00:05:52,410 now, I also often talk about how therapy, people who do therapy 103 00:05:52,410 --> 00:05:54,870 or who do mental health or provide mental health services 104 00:05:55,110 --> 00:06:00,900 are gifted, right? So tell me kind of how that looks for you. 105 00:06:00,900 --> 00:06:04,620 And how did you learn about this therapy? So not like, 106 00:06:04,620 --> 00:06:06,750 necessarily learn about it. But you know, just tell me about 107 00:06:06,750 --> 00:06:10,410 your experience in terms of the giftedness of being a mental 108 00:06:10,410 --> 00:06:11,100 health provider? 109 00:06:11,970 --> 00:06:14,580 Stephanie Gonzales: Well, trauma doesn't skip generations unless 110 00:06:14,580 --> 00:06:18,810 we end it ourselves. Right? So I too, was a victim of trauma, not 111 00:06:18,810 --> 00:06:22,530 so much in the domestic violence realm, but in my own sexual 112 00:06:22,530 --> 00:06:25,860 history. And when people become sexually assaulted, they do one 113 00:06:25,860 --> 00:06:29,940 of two things they either go into become extremely sexual, or 114 00:06:29,940 --> 00:06:34,380 they retreat, and I went extremely sexual. And how that 115 00:06:34,380 --> 00:06:38,250 ended up panning out for me was when I turned when I was 24. I 116 00:06:38,250 --> 00:06:40,830 was married, I got divorced. And I went my own way. And I wanted 117 00:06:40,830 --> 00:06:44,400 to kind of experience my sexual freedom again. And how that 118 00:06:44,400 --> 00:06:46,860 played out was I actually got a job working in a strip club as a 119 00:06:46,860 --> 00:06:49,800 waitress. Now, the joke is, what's the difference between a 120 00:06:49,800 --> 00:06:53,910 stripper and a waitress? Two weeks, because anybody that gets 121 00:06:53,910 --> 00:06:56,070 in that industry and waitresses for two weeks, they realize how 122 00:06:56,070 --> 00:06:58,740 quickly that money comes in the other side of it. And so they 123 00:06:58,740 --> 00:07:01,920 switch over. So I started dancing. And then I started to 124 00:07:01,920 --> 00:07:05,160 realize I was at the time going to school. And I started to 125 00:07:05,160 --> 00:07:07,830 realize that what I was doing was actually sexual social work. 126 00:07:08,160 --> 00:07:10,650 I know that sounds ridiculous. But that's what I felt like I 127 00:07:10,650 --> 00:07:13,680 was doing, there were people who had a need, that they weren't 128 00:07:13,680 --> 00:07:17,100 able to fulfill either at home with their spouse, or in their 129 00:07:17,100 --> 00:07:21,090 life of being lonely. And a lot of people think that guys go 130 00:07:21,090 --> 00:07:23,790 into the strip club, and they want to have sex, there is that 131 00:07:23,790 --> 00:07:25,620 population of men, I'm not gonna lie, there's absolutely that 132 00:07:25,620 --> 00:07:29,280 population. But I would say probably 75%, just for lonely 133 00:07:29,310 --> 00:07:31,710 and they needed to feel some kind of intimacy with another 134 00:07:31,710 --> 00:07:34,920 human being. And as we know, as therapist intimacy can be 135 00:07:34,920 --> 00:07:37,260 multiple different things, it doesn't necessarily need to be 136 00:07:37,260 --> 00:07:40,800 sexually oriented. So what I found myself doing was that I 137 00:07:40,800 --> 00:07:45,090 would go and, and give people that one on one attention and 138 00:07:45,090 --> 00:07:48,330 affection that they need it to feel fulfilled. And I did that 139 00:07:48,330 --> 00:07:51,690 job for 10 years. And I will tell you, honestly, it's the 140 00:07:51,690 --> 00:07:55,020 best job I ever had. It's the most fulfilling job I ever had. 141 00:07:55,200 --> 00:07:57,360 And it really gave me a sense of purpose. 142 00:07:58,110 --> 00:08:00,360 Dr. Arcella Trimble: Okay, so let's go back. So should you 143 00:08:00,360 --> 00:08:09,330 have this trauma? Alright, so So you talk about your family 144 00:08:09,330 --> 00:08:12,960 history of trauma, then you said you personally had trauma from 145 00:08:12,960 --> 00:08:17,400 the family and also from personal experiences. And so and 146 00:08:17,400 --> 00:08:19,710 I do definitely understand what you're saying the choices that 147 00:08:19,710 --> 00:08:23,430 people make, now, but how did you go and you were married, but 148 00:08:23,430 --> 00:08:27,660 then you got divorce? But how did you like, how did they? How 149 00:08:27,660 --> 00:08:33,600 did you get to let me go be a waitress at the club. Does that 150 00:08:33,600 --> 00:08:34,230 make sense? 151 00:08:34,230 --> 00:08:37,530 Stephanie Gonzales: Yeah. So I was actually getting starting to 152 00:08:37,530 --> 00:08:39,930 get divorced, I lost the house on a fire and other trauma 153 00:08:39,930 --> 00:08:43,050 incident hands came, I was living in Dallas, Texas, and I 154 00:08:43,050 --> 00:08:46,680 moved back down to Austin. And I called my husband at the time, 155 00:08:46,680 --> 00:08:50,670 and I said, I don't have enough money to eat. And he said to me 156 00:08:50,730 --> 00:08:54,420 very clearly, nowhere in my vows did I say that I would feed you. 157 00:08:55,680 --> 00:08:58,500 And it was that point in my head that I realized that there was 158 00:08:58,500 --> 00:09:01,440 nobody in this world looking out for me, but me, and I had to 159 00:09:01,440 --> 00:09:04,170 take care of me. And the only way that I was going to get 160 00:09:04,170 --> 00:09:07,770 money quickly was by going to be a waitress. And I applied at a 161 00:09:07,770 --> 00:09:10,950 bunch of different places. But the strip club was the first one 162 00:09:10,950 --> 00:09:13,980 to hire me. And they were the first one that they were, your 163 00:09:13,980 --> 00:09:15,630 money comes right away. You don't need to wait for a 164 00:09:15,630 --> 00:09:19,620 paycheck versus some of the other restaurants paid you 165 00:09:19,650 --> 00:09:21,930 somewhat and then you you had to go through training for a couple 166 00:09:21,930 --> 00:09:24,390 days strip club wasn't that way. It's they throw you in 167 00:09:24,420 --> 00:09:30,000 Thinkorswim kind of approach. And I went in there and I was 168 00:09:31,200 --> 00:09:33,840 noticing that the men were being a little bit more aggressive 169 00:09:33,840 --> 00:09:36,810 towards the waitresses. And I think because they're 170 00:09:36,810 --> 00:09:40,680 unobtainable. So as I started to notice that I said, you know, I 171 00:09:40,680 --> 00:09:43,200 think I actually want to make the transition over because I 172 00:09:43,200 --> 00:09:45,750 would like to make more money. And if I'm going to be pursued 173 00:09:45,750 --> 00:09:48,540 that way, at least I can make more money being perceived that 174 00:09:48,540 --> 00:09:53,760 way. And it probably took me three or four years to really 175 00:09:53,760 --> 00:09:58,230 figure out and get the hustle down of the dancing. Part of 176 00:09:58,230 --> 00:10:01,260 it's a self esteem issue, you have to learn to really like 177 00:10:01,260 --> 00:10:03,690 love yourself for who you are. Because if you don't love 178 00:10:03,690 --> 00:10:06,420 yourself for who you are, then how can you have other people 179 00:10:06,690 --> 00:10:09,540 have that attraction towards you. So here's a lot of work 180 00:10:09,540 --> 00:10:12,660 independently on myself to be able to build my confidence. 181 00:10:13,110 --> 00:10:15,990 Without that confidence, I would not have been successful. But 182 00:10:15,990 --> 00:10:18,390 without that struggle, I wouldn't be able to understand 183 00:10:18,390 --> 00:10:21,720 how other people were struggling. And unfortunately, 184 00:10:21,720 --> 00:10:25,860 we're all social beings, and how we perceive ourselves is based 185 00:10:25,860 --> 00:10:28,890 on how our social construction and other people are perceiving 186 00:10:28,890 --> 00:10:32,010 us. So you have to learn to overcome that perspective, 187 00:10:32,040 --> 00:10:35,460 perception of other people, while learning to love yourself. 188 00:10:36,300 --> 00:10:37,350 hardest thing I ever did. 189 00:10:39,450 --> 00:10:41,790 Dr. Arcella Trimble: So okay, so then, so you wait, you're saying 190 00:10:41,790 --> 00:10:45,300 you see that, like you said that people are still pursuing you 191 00:10:45,300 --> 00:10:48,420 technically? And like you said even more aggressively because 192 00:10:48,420 --> 00:10:52,170 they can, as opposed to dancers? Were there certain parameters, 193 00:10:52,170 --> 00:10:54,600 I'm assuming round touching them and doing different things like 194 00:10:54,600 --> 00:10:57,330 that? And you're like, oh, wait a minute, if I'm gonna do this, 195 00:10:57,330 --> 00:11:00,510 I might as well make more money. And so how long did it take you 196 00:11:00,510 --> 00:11:03,930 to go from the waitress to? Was it literally two weeks? Or how 197 00:11:03,930 --> 00:11:05,160 long did it take you to? 198 00:11:05,249 --> 00:11:06,899 Stephanie Gonzales: There was less time maybe three or four 199 00:11:06,899 --> 00:11:07,229 days? 200 00:11:07,259 --> 00:11:09,839 Dr. Arcella Trimble: Oh, wow. Cuz you're like, Okay, real 201 00:11:09,839 --> 00:11:14,339 quick. I figured this out. Okay. So then do you have to learn, I 202 00:11:14,339 --> 00:11:16,079 now know, you're getting the people part. And we're gonna 203 00:11:16,079 --> 00:11:19,079 talk about the people part, but just the basics of dancing, 204 00:11:19,079 --> 00:11:21,779 like, did you already know how to dance? Or did you have to 205 00:11:21,779 --> 00:11:22,349 learn today? 206 00:11:22,000 --> 00:11:23,975 Stephanie Gonzales: Oh, gosh, no, I have horrible, horrible 207 00:11:24,026 --> 00:11:27,015 rhythm. So it's so dancing is one of those jobs, where it's 208 00:11:27,066 --> 00:11:30,308 you versus them when it comes to the dancing world, meaning that 209 00:11:30,359 --> 00:11:33,601 you are pretty much taking money from another dancer when you go 210 00:11:33,652 --> 00:11:36,692 into that club. So the more dancers you have, the less money 211 00:11:36,743 --> 00:11:39,985 there is to go around. At least that's the perception, right? So 212 00:11:37,720 --> 00:12:57,100 Wow Okay, so then. So like you're saying, as you're 213 00:11:40,036 --> 00:11:43,025 dancers don't teach you how to be a good dancer, they don't 214 00:11:43,075 --> 00:11:46,166 teach you how to perform, they don't teach you how to do pole 215 00:11:46,217 --> 00:11:49,256 tricks. They don't teach you how to speak to people. Because 216 00:11:49,307 --> 00:11:52,144 essentially, if they're doing that, now you become their 217 00:11:52,195 --> 00:11:55,285 competition. Now, I say dancers, though, I was the exception. 218 00:11:55,336 --> 00:11:58,274 Because once I really became good at this job and mastered 219 00:11:58,325 --> 00:12:01,365 it, and then realized that what I had to give was unique and 220 00:12:01,416 --> 00:12:04,354 individual. And it was not necessarily what everybody else 221 00:12:04,405 --> 00:12:07,597 had, I had the mindset that if I can empower every female to do 222 00:12:07,647 --> 00:12:10,738 this job from a non exploitive perspective, and really, we're 223 00:12:10,788 --> 00:12:13,929 exploiting the men if you do it correctly. But if we can do it 224 00:12:13,980 --> 00:12:17,121 from an exploitive position of doing that towards the men that 225 00:12:17,172 --> 00:12:20,110 we can all do it together, then we're leveling the playing 226 00:12:20,161 --> 00:12:23,100 field, and we're all going to make more money. That was my 227 00:12:23,150 --> 00:12:26,139 perception. Other girls not so much. So it was definitely a 228 00:12:26,190 --> 00:12:29,280 Doggy Dog kind of field in the beginning. And a lot of people 229 00:12:29,331 --> 00:12:32,168 throwing you under the bus running you over. Dancers are 230 00:12:32,219 --> 00:12:35,157 not your friends, they will do anything they can to try to 231 00:12:35,208 --> 00:12:38,248 steal from you take your money, take your clients, even your 232 00:12:38,299 --> 00:12:41,592 best friend. So you just kind of have it's a very solo job in the 233 00:12:41,642 --> 00:12:44,885 beginning. And once you start to build that confidence and learn 234 00:12:44,935 --> 00:12:48,178 that piece, and let me tell you, nobody cares if you know how to 235 00:12:48,229 --> 00:12:51,167 dance guys don't care about that. The worst dancer you are 236 00:12:51,218 --> 00:12:54,308 the more money you make in the beginning, because people look 237 00:12:54,359 --> 00:12:57,551 at you as freshmen. So they're like, Oh, that girl doesn't know 238 00:12:57,601 --> 00:13:00,641 what she's doing. Let's get her she's not going to have good 239 00:12:57,820 --> 00:13:38,260 starting to do this, you're learning about people. So you're 240 00:13:00,692 --> 00:13:03,580 boundaries. Versus the girl that's been doing this for 15 241 00:13:03,630 --> 00:13:06,771 years, she's coming out saying no, you're not going to do that 242 00:13:06,822 --> 00:13:09,913 to me, I'm not okay with it. Me personally, what I found is I 243 00:13:09,963 --> 00:13:13,054 would set boundaries with people and you know, if I say Don't 244 00:13:13,104 --> 00:13:16,093 touch me, and they do it again. And then the second time, I 245 00:13:16,144 --> 00:13:19,133 would say, okay, that's not to you touch me again, the next 246 00:13:19,184 --> 00:13:22,477 time I stop. The third time time they did it, I would turn around 247 00:13:22,528 --> 00:13:25,719 and I would say clearly you have zero respect for me as a human 248 00:13:25,770 --> 00:13:28,709 being, I'm ending this here, give me my money. And I can't 249 00:13:28,759 --> 00:13:31,850 tell you how many people would beg me to please keep going. I 250 00:13:31,900 --> 00:13:34,687 understand. I won't do it anymore. The meaner I was the 251 00:13:34,738 --> 00:13:35,650 more money I made. 252 00:13:38,380 --> 00:13:42,340 learning about the other dancers? That's a whole that so 253 00:13:42,340 --> 00:13:48,070 you're learning business? Learning, you know how to 254 00:13:48,070 --> 00:13:52,870 interact with with coworkers, then you're learning about the 255 00:13:52,900 --> 00:13:56,080 people piece of the men and things like that. And so you use 256 00:13:56,080 --> 00:13:59,680 the term, you just say sexual social work? Is that the term 257 00:13:59,680 --> 00:14:02,620 you use? Okay, so tell me about that. Like, what do you 258 00:14:03,200 --> 00:14:07,730 Okay, so, my ideal customer was out of out of town, businessman, 259 00:14:08,090 --> 00:14:13,070 and Austin, Texas, where I was dancing had a huge Asian Indian 260 00:14:13,070 --> 00:14:15,800 population. And so a lot of people coming there for tech 261 00:14:15,800 --> 00:14:19,010 type jobs. And that was my preferred population, one 262 00:14:19,010 --> 00:14:20,990 because I understood the culture and I understood that they were 263 00:14:20,990 --> 00:14:25,460 sexually oppressed. So to get to, when people come into that 264 00:14:25,460 --> 00:14:27,260 environment, they're already uncomfortable, especially if 265 00:14:27,260 --> 00:14:29,780 they're not used to that kind of environment. Some people thrive 266 00:14:29,780 --> 00:14:32,990 there, most people are a little bit more uncomfortable. So for 267 00:14:32,990 --> 00:14:35,570 me, it was a matter of sitting down and then getting to know 268 00:14:35,570 --> 00:14:38,990 people. And so what I would do is I would sit down, let's just 269 00:14:38,990 --> 00:14:41,390 say I sat down with an Asian Indian man, and I would sit down 270 00:14:41,390 --> 00:14:43,700 and I would say, Hi, my name is and I'd always give my real 271 00:14:43,700 --> 00:14:46,940 name. And I did that to build rapport. My dance name was 272 00:14:46,940 --> 00:14:49,580 Britain, but I would say Hi, I'm Stephanie. I dance by Britain, 273 00:14:49,580 --> 00:14:51,980 just so you know, if they call my name, I have to go. But my 274 00:14:51,980 --> 00:14:54,380 real name is Stephanie and I'm currently getting my master's in 275 00:14:54,380 --> 00:14:57,950 social work. What's your name? Oh, my name is Shawn. What what 276 00:14:57,950 --> 00:15:01,100 do you do for a living Sean? I'm an engineer. or what kind of 277 00:15:01,100 --> 00:15:04,310 engineer? I'm an electrical engineer? Oh, where did you get 278 00:15:04,310 --> 00:15:07,490 your master's degree? I got at the University of Texas. Now 279 00:15:07,490 --> 00:15:09,530 what I'm doing there is I'm building rapport with them, 280 00:15:09,590 --> 00:15:12,050 okay? And I'm asking them questions about themselves. But 281 00:15:12,050 --> 00:15:14,840 at the same time, I'm asking them how much I'm getting in 282 00:15:14,900 --> 00:15:18,920 their head to figure out how much money do you make. Because 283 00:15:18,920 --> 00:15:21,410 how much time am I going to spend with you building this 284 00:15:21,410 --> 00:15:26,000 report is going to be based on how much money you make. Because 285 00:15:26,210 --> 00:15:29,210 now when I say sexual social worker, I absolutely danced on a 286 00:15:29,210 --> 00:15:32,390 sliding scale for people. If you are a manager at McDonald's, 287 00:15:32,420 --> 00:15:34,520 that didn't mean you deserved any less of the experience, 288 00:15:34,520 --> 00:15:37,280 because you didn't make as much money. But if you worked as an 289 00:15:37,430 --> 00:15:39,500 electrical engineer with a master's degree, I know you're 290 00:15:39,500 --> 00:15:41,600 making well over six figures, you're gonna pay me a little bit 291 00:15:41,600 --> 00:15:45,680 more money. You know, so, but people that are poor still need 292 00:15:45,680 --> 00:15:48,530 that intimacy, they still need that affection. So I'm okay 293 00:15:48,530 --> 00:15:50,810 still giving you that. It's just going to be on a different 294 00:15:50,810 --> 00:15:54,020 level. So you know, the more that I ask the questions about 295 00:15:54,020 --> 00:15:56,240 them, the more I get to understanding them, the more 296 00:15:56,240 --> 00:15:58,370 that they give me information, the more that I'm building that 297 00:15:58,370 --> 00:16:02,030 rapport. What I started to learn is it wasn't what people were 298 00:16:02,030 --> 00:16:04,490 telling me. It was what they weren't telling me that was 299 00:16:04,490 --> 00:16:09,500 important. So, are you married? Yes. My wife is over in India. 300 00:16:09,530 --> 00:16:13,550 Do you have kids? Yes, my kids are. Okay. What is your sexual 301 00:16:13,550 --> 00:16:16,820 relationship, like, all of a sudden people shut down. They 302 00:16:16,820 --> 00:16:19,010 don't want to share that information. Part of that was 303 00:16:19,010 --> 00:16:22,550 culture. And part of that was a little bit of embarrassment. So 304 00:16:22,580 --> 00:16:25,130 once I started to get people to feel comfortable speaking about 305 00:16:25,130 --> 00:16:28,220 that, with me, I started to have to repeat customers. And that's 306 00:16:28,220 --> 00:16:30,530 really where your money comes in. are the same people coming 307 00:16:30,530 --> 00:16:34,310 in every week to see you. At one point I called it doing therapy 308 00:16:34,310 --> 00:16:35,120 without a talk on. 309 00:16:35,670 --> 00:16:37,770 Dr. Arcella Trimble: Oh, now that's honestly so now as you're 310 00:16:37,770 --> 00:16:40,440 asking these questions, are you dancing and asking? are you just 311 00:16:40,440 --> 00:16:41,430 standing there talking? 312 00:16:42,030 --> 00:16:43,350 Stephanie Gonzales: In the very beginning of getting to know 313 00:16:43,350 --> 00:16:45,720 people, I'm just I'm just sitting there with them either 314 00:16:45,720 --> 00:16:49,320 on their lap or next to them talking? close completely on. 315 00:16:49,590 --> 00:16:51,690 Okay, that was a big trick. Keep your clothes on, because you 316 00:16:51,690 --> 00:16:54,840 want them to pay for your clothes to come on. So I will 317 00:16:54,840 --> 00:16:56,820 actually tell you a funny story about my husband and how I met 318 00:16:56,820 --> 00:17:00,570 my husband. Only man I ever date in the strip club. So this is 319 00:17:00,570 --> 00:17:03,750 actually pretty good story. So it was a Sunday night and I got 320 00:17:03,750 --> 00:17:06,510 called in by one of my regulars. And he said, Hey, Steph, I got 321 00:17:06,510 --> 00:17:09,630 $500 to give you can you come in between seven and eight. I hate 322 00:17:09,630 --> 00:17:12,030 to get in there that early. I was really more of a 10 to two 323 00:17:12,030 --> 00:17:16,890 girl. And now working 10am To 10pm to 2am, four days a week, 324 00:17:16,890 --> 00:17:21,420 but 16 hours, I was pulling in close to $250,000 a year. That's 325 00:17:21,420 --> 00:17:24,300 how good I got. So this guy calls me and he says can you 326 00:17:24,300 --> 00:17:26,910 come in now the problem is once I go in, I'm stuck there tool to 327 00:17:26,910 --> 00:17:29,910 management doesn't want to leave. So it's like, okay, well, 328 00:17:29,910 --> 00:17:33,120 $500 is worth it. But now I'm going to be stuck there. I 329 00:17:33,120 --> 00:17:35,850 really love money. So I'm gonna go do it. So I went in and I 330 00:17:35,850 --> 00:17:39,090 worked and maybe nine o'clock comes this guy's done. I go out 331 00:17:39,090 --> 00:17:42,600 on the floor, and there's only maybe 15 people in the club 20 332 00:17:42,600 --> 00:17:46,230 dancers to have two men. It's pretty slim pickins. But I'm 333 00:17:46,230 --> 00:17:48,330 educated and I'm one of the prettier girls. So I know that 334 00:17:48,330 --> 00:17:50,610 I'm going to make money no matter what. So I'm walking out 335 00:17:50,610 --> 00:17:53,490 on the floor and I'm in a one piece and I'm talking to men and 336 00:17:53,580 --> 00:17:56,850 nobody's wanting company. And I walked by my husband. And I 337 00:17:56,850 --> 00:17:59,100 asked him would you like company has legs across? He's like, No, 338 00:17:59,100 --> 00:18:01,890 I'm good. I said, Okay, so I continue to walk around, I 339 00:18:01,890 --> 00:18:04,590 change outfits, I come back out maybe like an hour later I try 340 00:18:04,590 --> 00:18:08,130 it again. This time, I realized that my now husband is sitting 341 00:18:08,130 --> 00:18:10,290 there with his legs apart. So there's there's body language 342 00:18:10,290 --> 00:18:12,330 you learn in the strip club, when people's legs are crossed. 343 00:18:13,170 --> 00:18:15,540 They don't want company you keep walking, when their legs are 344 00:18:15,540 --> 00:18:17,610 open. You don't even ask you just sit down, you don't give 345 00:18:17,610 --> 00:18:20,640 people an opportunity to tell you know what sales, right? So I 346 00:18:20,640 --> 00:18:22,800 sat down in his lap and I start talking to him. And I'm like, so 347 00:18:22,800 --> 00:18:24,750 what do you do for a living? And he said, I'm an attorney. And 348 00:18:24,750 --> 00:18:27,150 I'm like, Oh, that's cool. I'm in grad school for social work. 349 00:18:28,410 --> 00:18:30,540 What kind of what do you do as an attorney? And he says, Well, 350 00:18:30,540 --> 00:18:32,640 I'm more into contracts. But right now I work in a bar 351 00:18:32,640 --> 00:18:35,820 because they make way more money doing that. It's like, oh, well, 352 00:18:35,820 --> 00:18:38,580 would you get your undergraduate in and he said sociology, and I 353 00:18:38,580 --> 00:18:41,640 said me too. So we nerded out. And I asked him who his favorite 354 00:18:41,640 --> 00:18:44,430 sociologist was, and we got into this really deep theoretical 355 00:18:44,430 --> 00:18:48,720 conversation. About 20 minutes into it. I said to him, as much 356 00:18:48,720 --> 00:18:52,320 as I love this conversation, I cannot pay my grad school with 357 00:18:52,320 --> 00:18:54,660 conversation. Trust me, I tried. They've laughed at me though. 358 00:18:54,660 --> 00:18:56,640 Every single time I call down there. They said no, Stephanie, 359 00:18:56,640 --> 00:19:00,780 you got to pay cash, or credit. So I said to my husband, would 360 00:19:00,780 --> 00:19:03,990 you like to continue this conversation and VIP dances on 361 00:19:03,990 --> 00:19:07,470 the floor? 20 dances and VIP or 30. But in VIP, you only pay for 362 00:19:07,470 --> 00:19:10,800 the dance, I own the VIP booth. And he said, Okay, I'll go with 363 00:19:10,800 --> 00:19:13,890 you to VIP under one condition. They said, What's that? And he 364 00:19:13,890 --> 00:19:16,770 goes, we continue to have the conversation. I said, Okay, so 365 00:19:16,770 --> 00:19:19,320 we go back to VIP, and I'm dancing on him. And we're having 366 00:19:19,320 --> 00:19:22,740 a conversation the entire time. I'm trying to be intimate. Now 367 00:19:22,740 --> 00:19:25,350 how what makes me good at what I do, not only my intimate and by 368 00:19:25,350 --> 00:19:27,300 getting into people's minds, but I'm really good at touching 369 00:19:27,300 --> 00:19:30,540 people's faces and their ears and people need that contact. 370 00:19:31,020 --> 00:19:33,600 And so that's what I'm doing. I'm building that rapport, I'm 371 00:19:33,600 --> 00:19:35,910 dancing on him. I'm touching him. And I'm like, alright, 372 00:19:35,910 --> 00:19:38,670 that's one dance. And he's like, keep going. Alright, that's two 373 00:19:38,670 --> 00:19:42,120 dances, keep going. Probably did this for about 10 songs and he 374 00:19:42,120 --> 00:19:45,030 stops me. He grabs me. He goes, I'm going to pay you stop asking 375 00:19:45,030 --> 00:19:48,120 me how many songs and I said, Okay, so I dance for him for a 376 00:19:48,120 --> 00:19:50,880 full hour. And at the end of the hour, he asked me how much do I 377 00:19:50,880 --> 00:19:53,790 owe you? And I said, I honestly don't remember. I stopped 378 00:19:53,790 --> 00:19:56,580 counting. I got way too into this. I don't remember. And he 379 00:19:56,580 --> 00:19:58,410 goes, Well, what do you normally charge for an hour and I said 380 00:19:58,410 --> 00:20:01,200 $500 And he goes okay, He reaches in his pocket, he pulls 381 00:20:01,200 --> 00:20:03,690 out this wad of money and I shot myself in the foot for that. 382 00:20:05,520 --> 00:20:08,940 Right? And he counts himself out, he gives me $1,000. And he 383 00:20:08,940 --> 00:20:11,070 hands me the money. Yeah, gives me great money. And he walks 384 00:20:11,070 --> 00:20:14,490 off. And I said, let me get your number. And really, I really 385 00:20:14,490 --> 00:20:16,620 liked him. I really enjoyed the conversation. I was 386 00:20:16,620 --> 00:20:19,920 intellectually stimulated, I want it more. So he gets my 387 00:20:19,920 --> 00:20:23,100 phone number, and we ended up texting. And that was a Sunday, 388 00:20:23,340 --> 00:20:26,310 that Tuesday, he comes back into the club. And he says, Okay, I 389 00:20:26,310 --> 00:20:28,620 want to get another dance. And I turned to him, and I said, we 390 00:20:28,620 --> 00:20:31,440 can either be, you can either be my customer, or we can see where 391 00:20:31,440 --> 00:20:35,040 this goes, but I do not mix the rolls. And he said, Okay, let's 392 00:20:35,040 --> 00:20:37,410 see where this goes. So I 393 00:20:38,359 --> 00:20:41,670 Unknown: Did he leave, he left. Okay, 394 00:20:41,730 --> 00:20:44,550 Stephanie Gonzales: he left. Yeah. And we had built so much 395 00:20:44,550 --> 00:20:48,180 rapport and so much intimacy that that blossom into a 396 00:20:48,180 --> 00:20:53,400 marriage. Now what two children? Wow, okay, I still have friends 397 00:20:53,400 --> 00:20:57,240 I talked to from the club that were were customers, I still 398 00:20:57,240 --> 00:20:59,220 have one, that's my best friend that's still going through 399 00:20:59,220 --> 00:21:01,830 depression, he was coming to the club because he was lonely, and 400 00:21:01,830 --> 00:21:04,920 he was depressed. And so I would dance for him twice a week. And 401 00:21:04,920 --> 00:21:07,560 we would talk about ways that he could build his self esteem and 402 00:21:07,560 --> 00:21:11,640 his self efficacy and its competence. And eventually, I 403 00:21:11,640 --> 00:21:14,700 got him to agree, stop spending money on dancers, and he would 404 00:21:14,700 --> 00:21:16,500 just come in and hang out with me, and he actually doesn't 405 00:21:16,500 --> 00:21:19,650 spend money on dancers to this day. And I talk to him daily. 406 00:21:20,369 --> 00:21:22,109 Dr. Arcella Trimble: That's interesting. Also, because, you 407 00:21:22,109 --> 00:21:25,319 know, most of the time, people don't think of people. I mean, 408 00:21:25,319 --> 00:21:27,779 you kind of get the lonely thing, you know, maybe if you're 409 00:21:27,779 --> 00:21:31,049 out of town or something, but you really don't think about 410 00:21:31,049 --> 00:21:34,139 like what most people think, oh, I need companionship. Let me go 411 00:21:34,139 --> 00:21:36,929 to the strip club. You see what I'm saying? So that is an 412 00:21:36,929 --> 00:21:40,289 interesting concept. But of course, there's always a reason 413 00:21:40,289 --> 00:21:43,829 why every human does something. So what it sounds like you did 414 00:21:43,829 --> 00:21:47,819 was let me figure out what their reasoning is. And in each and 415 00:21:47,819 --> 00:21:51,089 treat each person individually based on what their reasoning 416 00:21:51,089 --> 00:21:55,319 is, and their rationale for being here. Okay. All right. So 417 00:21:55,319 --> 00:22:00,959 let me ask you this. So you did it 14 years, you said, 418 00:22:02,579 --> 00:22:07,049 Stephanie Gonzales: I started at 24. I stopped at 34 When I moved 419 00:22:07,049 --> 00:22:12,359 to Hawaii. But when I go back, I sometimes dabble in it. 420 00:22:12,569 --> 00:22:17,309 Dr. Arcella Trimble: I gotcha. So So you even after you got 421 00:22:17,309 --> 00:22:18,809 married, you still did it. 422 00:22:19,470 --> 00:22:21,240 Stephanie Gonzales: After I got married after I got the master's 423 00:22:21,240 --> 00:22:23,160 degree. And I will tell you honestly, after I got the 424 00:22:23,160 --> 00:22:26,790 master's degree, my income increased so much in the in the 425 00:22:26,790 --> 00:22:31,380 club, because I had a better understanding of people, then I 426 00:22:31,380 --> 00:22:33,090 would joke with people and I would say you know what they say 427 00:22:33,090 --> 00:22:35,220 the more educated you are, the more money you make. So if 428 00:22:35,220 --> 00:22:37,140 you're going to get a dance from a master of somebody with a 429 00:22:37,140 --> 00:22:41,010 master's degree, be more money and make more money. Or I would 430 00:22:41,010 --> 00:22:43,290 say that straight sight say to people $200 An hour Oh, my 431 00:22:43,290 --> 00:22:45,630 clothes on 500 All my clothes off. Which one do you want? 432 00:22:45,900 --> 00:22:48,300 Because I'm technically a licensed therapist. And so yeah, 433 00:22:48,600 --> 00:22:50,340 that really turn people on. 434 00:22:50,940 --> 00:22:52,740 Dr. Arcella Trimble: And that part, and we'll have to have a 435 00:22:52,740 --> 00:22:56,340 whole nother conversation about this because I have it in the 436 00:22:56,370 --> 00:22:59,130 six figure therapist course I have a whole module about 437 00:22:59,130 --> 00:23:03,480 customer service. And a lot of times people have told me that 438 00:23:03,480 --> 00:23:06,930 they don't. It's difficult for them to ask for money or think 439 00:23:06,930 --> 00:23:09,090 they should be a six figure therapist. But you know, I've 440 00:23:09,090 --> 00:23:12,240 never gone understand that either. Because I don't know if 441 00:23:12,240 --> 00:23:14,520 it's it's some kind of relationship that they have with 442 00:23:14,520 --> 00:23:17,820 asking for money or figuring out logically, how do I get people 443 00:23:17,820 --> 00:23:20,760 to pay my worth? Because even though like you said, I'm 444 00:23:20,760 --> 00:23:23,850 dancing, first of all I have experienced now, and I'm 445 00:23:23,850 --> 00:23:28,230 educated dancers so and like you said, you use what you had to 446 00:23:28,230 --> 00:23:30,540 leverage that were some people might say who I'm not gonna even 447 00:23:30,540 --> 00:23:33,000 mention that I'm educated, because then they're wondering 448 00:23:33,000 --> 00:23:36,090 why I'm here. And then you're like, No, let me have and use 449 00:23:36,090 --> 00:23:40,590 everything that I have to be even more successful. And so 450 00:23:40,620 --> 00:23:41,820 yeah, we definitely. 451 00:23:42,839 --> 00:23:44,279 Stephanie Gonzales: When I first started dancing, they had 452 00:23:44,279 --> 00:23:46,829 Tuesday nights was $5, dance night, and all the other girls 453 00:23:46,829 --> 00:23:49,769 were making $20. And I asked them, How are you doing it? And 454 00:23:49,769 --> 00:23:53,069 they were like, Oh, $5 is a table dance. $10 is a lap dance, 455 00:23:53,069 --> 00:23:56,279 and $20 is an intimate dance. And I just did not have the 456 00:23:56,279 --> 00:23:59,039 confidence to say that to people. And it probably took me 457 00:23:59,039 --> 00:24:01,649 a full two years to be able to be like, No, I know what my 458 00:24:01,649 --> 00:24:04,289 worth is. And I'm going to demand it. So I can definitely 459 00:24:04,289 --> 00:24:06,599 understand where therapists are coming from on the whole not 460 00:24:06,599 --> 00:24:08,069 knowing how to evaluate themselves. 461 00:24:10,619 --> 00:24:12,419 Dr. Arcella Trimble: Yeah, and that's the thing too, because I 462 00:24:12,419 --> 00:24:15,509 even think about like, we do a lot of consulting work. And how 463 00:24:15,509 --> 00:24:18,599 you even said, Is this much money for my top on this much 464 00:24:18,599 --> 00:24:22,289 money from a top bar, even something like that also has to 465 00:24:22,289 --> 00:24:25,349 kind of force people. So there are times where I've told people 466 00:24:25,349 --> 00:24:28,409 you know, like we do our consultation contracts, I'll say 467 00:24:28,409 --> 00:24:33,419 sure. For 5000 I'll do this and it'll just be I'll consult with 468 00:24:33,419 --> 00:24:38,039 you for 10,000 I'll consult and you can talk to me and on 469 00:24:38,039 --> 00:24:41,939 special software for 20,000 you get rid of that and it just 470 00:24:41,969 --> 00:24:44,849 sounds so much right and then most of the time people pick the 471 00:24:44,849 --> 00:24:49,109 20,000 And so that's the thing is like we will not have to get 472 00:24:49,109 --> 00:24:53,159 together and talk about it maybe do some kind of masterclass on 473 00:24:53,159 --> 00:24:56,669 selling or something. I think that'll be pretty cool to help 474 00:24:56,669 --> 00:24:59,309 mental health right because you technically are doing that now 475 00:24:59,309 --> 00:25:02,279 and your mental health Practice and stuff too. So, okay, but 476 00:25:02,279 --> 00:25:07,319 anyway, okay, so but you So you did it for the 10 years, because 477 00:25:07,979 --> 00:25:09,989 after you got the master's degree because 478 00:25:10,470 --> 00:25:12,600 Stephanie Gonzales: it was the best job I ever had, just 479 00:25:12,600 --> 00:25:15,720 unfortunately, you aged out of it. So you can't keep doing it 480 00:25:15,720 --> 00:25:19,200 because Yeah, nobody wants to spend that kind of money on a 60 481 00:25:19,200 --> 00:25:23,040 year old. So part of it so I actually moved from Austin to 482 00:25:23,040 --> 00:25:26,310 Hawaii because I was having a hard time getting out of the 483 00:25:26,310 --> 00:25:28,860 industry, it's really hard when that money comes quick and it 484 00:25:28,860 --> 00:25:32,700 comes easy. And it comes on taxable. Right. So it's all 485 00:25:32,700 --> 00:25:35,070 based on what I was reporting. Now, don't get me wrong, I did 486 00:25:35,070 --> 00:25:36,900 absolutely report what I was making, because I wanted to buy 487 00:25:36,900 --> 00:25:39,540 a house, especially a house in Hawaii. Can't buy anything for 488 00:25:39,540 --> 00:25:42,210 less than a million here. So you need to have that on tax 489 00:25:42,210 --> 00:25:47,640 records. Yeah. So um, you know, I would have, I got out of the 490 00:25:47,640 --> 00:25:50,490 job because I got the masters and it was time to move on and 491 00:25:50,880 --> 00:25:53,940 go on to the next part of my life. But everything that I 492 00:25:53,940 --> 00:25:58,350 learned being a dancer, has become a part of who I am as a 493 00:25:58,350 --> 00:26:01,410 therapist, and it's what makes me a good therapist. And I've 494 00:26:01,410 --> 00:26:04,350 personally found that when I speak about sex in the 495 00:26:04,350 --> 00:26:08,160 therapeutic session, that I'm very comfortable with it almost 496 00:26:08,160 --> 00:26:10,500 overly comfortable to where people are a little bit 497 00:26:10,500 --> 00:26:14,490 surprised. So you know, I was working with a man who was going 498 00:26:14,490 --> 00:26:16,890 through a lot of depression. He was houseless, his dog had 499 00:26:16,890 --> 00:26:19,140 passed, he actually accidentally locked his dog in the car and he 500 00:26:19,140 --> 00:26:21,090 had passed and he was really struggling with that. He went 501 00:26:21,090 --> 00:26:24,090 into catatonia was in the hospital for two weeks, he comes 502 00:26:24,090 --> 00:26:26,730 out, and I'm working with him on his depression. And out of 503 00:26:26,730 --> 00:26:29,100 nowhere, I said, you know, I'm just going to ask him what his 504 00:26:29,280 --> 00:26:31,950 sexual life is like. So I asked him and he said, You know, I 505 00:26:31,950 --> 00:26:36,540 used to be very active. I used to, I'm all about being in 506 00:26:36,540 --> 00:26:40,200 multiple relationships. I'm polyamorous, I enjoy intimacy, I 507 00:26:40,200 --> 00:26:43,050 enjoy sexual activity. But I'm not doing it now that I'm 508 00:26:43,050 --> 00:26:45,870 depressed. And I said, Well, that makes sense. Tell me about 509 00:26:45,870 --> 00:26:48,540 masturbation. And he goes, yep, haven't done that in a couple 510 00:26:48,540 --> 00:26:50,670 months. And I said, Okay, well, you know, what we're working on 511 00:26:50,670 --> 00:26:53,280 smart goals. Can we put some masturbation in their first 512 00:26:53,280 --> 00:26:55,740 smart goal. And he was like, I think that would might, that 513 00:26:55,740 --> 00:26:58,650 might actually work. So not only did we put in masturbation, but 514 00:26:58,650 --> 00:27:00,480 we talked about different ways that he could achieve that 515 00:27:00,480 --> 00:27:03,990 masturbation, so pornography with another person, those kinds 516 00:27:03,990 --> 00:27:06,900 of things. And we put that in the SMART goals. And what I like 517 00:27:06,900 --> 00:27:09,450 to do as my clients is I like to discuss and you know, or one on 518 00:27:09,450 --> 00:27:11,670 one, and then I will follow up with a text message or an email 519 00:27:11,670 --> 00:27:15,030 about what your goals are. And so just kind of as a reminder, 520 00:27:15,330 --> 00:27:18,660 and what I found, what ends up happening with him was, after 521 00:27:18,660 --> 00:27:21,240 three or four weeks, he started to slowly pull himself out of 522 00:27:21,240 --> 00:27:23,970 his depression. And part of that was not only because he was 523 00:27:23,970 --> 00:27:27,480 achieving the SMART goals, but because the sexual being was 524 00:27:27,480 --> 00:27:32,130 just a fundamental part of who he was. And not engaging in that 525 00:27:32,130 --> 00:27:35,910 had really taken a toll on him. And he didn't know. And so I 526 00:27:35,910 --> 00:27:39,090 actually had reached out to my social work supervisor that I 527 00:27:39,090 --> 00:27:42,510 see when I, you know, have need some outside the box thinking, I 528 00:27:42,510 --> 00:27:45,570 reached out to her and I said, you know, how often do you bring 529 00:27:45,570 --> 00:27:49,380 up sex in a therapeutic session? And she goes, me personally, how 530 00:27:49,380 --> 00:27:52,290 often do I bring it up? Never, I wait for the client to bring it 531 00:27:52,290 --> 00:27:55,110 up. And I said, really? And she goes, Yeah, and I said, I wonder 532 00:27:55,110 --> 00:27:58,590 how many people were not treating appropriately, because 533 00:27:58,590 --> 00:28:02,760 we're not bringing it up. Now, in my day job, as the health 534 00:28:02,760 --> 00:28:04,860 coordinator, I worked with quite a bit of people who have 535 00:28:04,860 --> 00:28:08,280 schizophrenia, people who have schizophrenia, on their 536 00:28:08,280 --> 00:28:12,390 medications, it affects their sex drive. Nobody's talking to 537 00:28:12,390 --> 00:28:16,290 them about that. So one of my guys that I talked to, he said 538 00:28:16,290 --> 00:28:18,480 that he actually came off his medications because he wasn't 539 00:28:18,480 --> 00:28:21,780 able to interact with other people sexually, but coming off 540 00:28:21,780 --> 00:28:24,600 his medications makes him a danger to himself. So how do we 541 00:28:24,600 --> 00:28:28,380 find that balance of learning to work with people with severe 542 00:28:28,380 --> 00:28:30,900 mental illness that are on medications that suppress their 543 00:28:30,900 --> 00:28:33,540 sex drive, but finding a way for them to still be their authentic 544 00:28:33,540 --> 00:28:36,900 self? And so that's what I work on with this person individually 545 00:28:36,900 --> 00:28:40,380 is how can we build your self esteem sexually, but still have 546 00:28:40,380 --> 00:28:43,110 you in a safe environment? And that's, it's been a part of 547 00:28:43,110 --> 00:28:45,600 finding the right medications, but also finding the right 548 00:28:45,600 --> 00:28:48,120 partners, finding the right people who will work with him. 549 00:28:49,950 --> 00:28:52,800 Dr. Arcella Trimble: And that's the thing too, and that's why 550 00:28:52,800 --> 00:28:55,740 I'm so excited about the research that we're gonna do is 551 00:28:55,740 --> 00:28:59,640 to look at the mental health providers and talking about six 552 00:28:59,640 --> 00:29:02,760 and, and because like you said, I'm sure many people that are 553 00:29:02,760 --> 00:29:07,020 listening to this, don't talk about sex as much either, right? 554 00:29:08,910 --> 00:29:12,210 Yeah, so many mental health providers are not talking about 555 00:29:12,330 --> 00:29:16,440 sex at all. And so now with your practice, who are you seeing now 556 00:29:16,470 --> 00:29:19,290 in your private practice? And is that something that you're 557 00:29:19,290 --> 00:29:22,350 incorporating? Do people see you for sexual issues are kind of 558 00:29:22,350 --> 00:29:24,270 telling me about what you're doing in your practice? 559 00:29:24,810 --> 00:29:27,360 Stephanie Gonzales: So Maui's population is only 150,000 560 00:29:27,360 --> 00:29:31,530 people so I can't really specialize or focus on topics 561 00:29:31,530 --> 00:29:35,190 related around sex because it's just not, you know, big enough 562 00:29:35,490 --> 00:29:38,400 population to work on that. But what I do is I absolutely 563 00:29:38,400 --> 00:29:41,550 address sexual related topics with every single client, my 564 00:29:41,550 --> 00:29:44,280 adolescence all the way up through my elderly 80 something 565 00:29:44,280 --> 00:29:47,760 year old clients I talk to the majority of my caseload is 566 00:29:47,760 --> 00:29:51,660 borderline personality. Not at all who I want to work with, but 567 00:29:51,660 --> 00:29:54,540 it's who I attract. So but guess what people with borderline 568 00:29:54,540 --> 00:29:58,230 personality with interpersonal issues and intimacy issues, they 569 00:29:58,230 --> 00:30:01,710 absolutely have that problem. Have sex and intimacy and 570 00:30:01,710 --> 00:30:04,890 feeling lonely and wanting to fulfill that. And so we talk 571 00:30:04,890 --> 00:30:07,260 about that. And we not only talk about building interpersonal 572 00:30:07,260 --> 00:30:10,650 relationships, but focusing on a favorite person, and what does 573 00:30:10,650 --> 00:30:13,350 that mean when they become your sexual partner? And they're your 574 00:30:13,350 --> 00:30:16,320 favorite person? And how can we tie that back a little bit so 575 00:30:16,320 --> 00:30:20,430 that you're not overly engaging in that and hyper focusing on 576 00:30:20,430 --> 00:30:24,750 that. And so I've found that, you know, the more comfortable I 577 00:30:24,750 --> 00:30:27,660 am about speaking about sex, the more comfortable that my client 578 00:30:27,660 --> 00:30:30,150 is speaking about sex, and the more likely they are to bring up 579 00:30:30,150 --> 00:30:36,930 the topics of sex. And I take a little bit from, from Gollum 580 00:30:37,080 --> 00:30:39,840 with the asking and that you know, the therapeutic session, 581 00:30:39,930 --> 00:30:42,240 what works well for you, what doesn't work well for you. And I 582 00:30:42,240 --> 00:30:44,970 always try to start that session off. And I find almost all my 583 00:30:44,970 --> 00:30:47,130 clients say, I really liked that you'll talk about sex and 584 00:30:47,130 --> 00:30:50,250 sexuality with me. I like that you'll talk about intimacy with 585 00:30:50,250 --> 00:30:53,160 Me. It might, it might have been uncomfortable when we talked 586 00:30:53,160 --> 00:30:57,690 about it, but I'm enjoying it. And so you know, really, I'm a 587 00:30:57,690 --> 00:31:00,270 little bit of a Floridian, I really believe that it's core of 588 00:31:00,270 --> 00:31:03,750 every single person, what our issues surrounded on, are our 589 00:31:03,750 --> 00:31:07,140 beliefs about sex, our sexuality, and how we can relate 590 00:31:07,140 --> 00:31:10,680 to other people in an intimate fashion. And we have to talk 591 00:31:10,680 --> 00:31:11,310 about that. 592 00:31:13,349 --> 00:31:15,329 Dr. Arcella Trimble: Ya know, yeah, this is interesting. I was 593 00:31:15,329 --> 00:31:18,959 talking to a woman earlier actually today. And she was 594 00:31:18,959 --> 00:31:26,639 saying she had some, like, sexual things happened to her 595 00:31:26,639 --> 00:31:32,429 like verbally and physically. And it's been years. And she was 596 00:31:32,429 --> 00:31:34,649 still talking about it. Of course, like it just happened, 597 00:31:34,649 --> 00:31:37,289 because she hadn't talked to anybody about it. And that's 598 00:31:37,289 --> 00:31:39,899 what I asked her, I said, we know what's going on, and 599 00:31:39,899 --> 00:31:42,149 something happened with our daughter, and I think it 600 00:31:42,149 --> 00:31:45,419 triggered it for her. But I'm like, Okay, well, you're saying 601 00:31:45,419 --> 00:31:48,029 you want to help your daughter, but you haven't helped yourself. 602 00:31:48,029 --> 00:31:52,529 So how do we now help yourself so that you can later help her? 603 00:31:52,799 --> 00:31:55,679 But it's just initially talked about the shame and things like 604 00:31:55,679 --> 00:31:59,279 that? Don't think, wow, like, so some of these same beliefs that 605 00:31:59,279 --> 00:32:04,559 we have around this, we're still perpetuating, and like you said, 606 00:32:04,559 --> 00:32:08,549 especially if we as mental health providers don't bring it 607 00:32:08,549 --> 00:32:12,749 up, then people don't talk about it. And a lot of people have 608 00:32:12,749 --> 00:32:16,859 this unspoken sexual issues. And I work a lot of couples. And I'm 609 00:32:16,859 --> 00:32:19,529 always asking, when's the last time you all have to? Do you 610 00:32:19,529 --> 00:32:22,919 know, I'm still shocked. That is sometimes years for people? And 611 00:32:22,919 --> 00:32:25,589 I'm like, how, what are we doing it and we know, what we're doing 612 00:32:25,589 --> 00:32:28,619 together? We don't have any stakes. And we can, you know, 613 00:32:28,619 --> 00:32:31,619 we're able, and even if you're not able to physically do that, 614 00:32:31,649 --> 00:32:34,619 you can still have intimacy, you know, anyway, so I just think it 615 00:32:34,619 --> 00:32:37,259 is interesting. So that is one of the things like you said that 616 00:32:37,259 --> 00:32:40,679 we're like, now never put masturbation in the treatment 617 00:32:40,679 --> 00:32:45,209 plan, like you say, but we do talk about, hey, what do we need 618 00:32:45,209 --> 00:32:48,749 to do to get intimacy in these relationships? Like, what are we 619 00:32:48,749 --> 00:32:51,299 doing? You know, and when you take intimacy out the 620 00:32:51,299 --> 00:32:54,119 relationships, you do find people just robotic, and they're 621 00:32:54,119 --> 00:32:56,549 just kind of together, especially when they have kids 622 00:32:56,549 --> 00:33:00,209 and things like that. I mean, so this is such an important topic, 623 00:33:00,389 --> 00:33:03,149 that we do have to do a much better job, but most of us don't 624 00:33:03,149 --> 00:33:05,609 know how to talk about it, because we don't talk about that 625 00:33:05,609 --> 00:33:07,889 for classes or anything like that. 626 00:33:08,609 --> 00:33:09,929 Stephanie Gonzales: Well, and then to like, further address 627 00:33:09,929 --> 00:33:12,629 your point about shame, being attached to it, imagine how a 628 00:33:12,719 --> 00:33:15,569 individual feels when they bring up to their therapist, you know, 629 00:33:15,569 --> 00:33:17,819 I want to talk about my sexual assault. And then the therapist 630 00:33:17,819 --> 00:33:21,689 is like, let me refer you out. That's not what I do. True, or 631 00:33:21,689 --> 00:33:24,539 the therapist and shows this look on their face, like, you 632 00:33:24,539 --> 00:33:26,669 know, they're scared, or they don't want to go down that or 633 00:33:26,669 --> 00:33:30,449 they hear it, and then they just kind of pass it over. And that's 634 00:33:30,449 --> 00:33:32,909 kind of been an experience that I've noticed, when I get a lot 635 00:33:32,909 --> 00:33:35,669 of clients that come to me that had been referred to me to focus 636 00:33:35,669 --> 00:33:38,369 on that sexual trauma. And I just think it's just such a 637 00:33:38,369 --> 00:33:42,899 shame that we can't, as, as providers, that we all can't be 638 00:33:42,899 --> 00:33:46,529 well versed in sexually related topics. And as you said, I've 639 00:33:46,529 --> 00:33:48,629 been throughout this dissertation project, I've been 640 00:33:48,629 --> 00:33:51,749 actually pulling different universities syllabi, to see 641 00:33:51,959 --> 00:33:56,219 what courses are being offered. And there are at the PhD level 642 00:33:56,219 --> 00:33:58,889 and clinical psych, there are not classes that are mandatory, 643 00:33:58,889 --> 00:34:02,399 they are electives. And topics related around sex are usually 644 00:34:02,399 --> 00:34:07,169 covered in a module within a week. And they're typically 645 00:34:07,169 --> 00:34:11,189 related around sexual orientation, non intimacy, or 646 00:34:11,669 --> 00:34:15,029 sexual interactions. And so that's part of you know, I 647 00:34:15,029 --> 00:34:17,819 think, in my opinion, that's part of why we're not doing as 648 00:34:17,819 --> 00:34:20,339 good of a service as we can be, because it's not a mandatory 649 00:34:20,339 --> 00:34:23,699 requirement in our education, or not even in our CPUs. 650 00:34:24,150 --> 00:34:26,040 Dr. Arcella Trimble: And that's another good point. You wouldn't 651 00:34:26,040 --> 00:34:27,540 have to do that. Tell them tell them we need to make a 652 00:34:27,540 --> 00:34:30,300 masterclass with that too, because like you said, if you 653 00:34:30,300 --> 00:34:32,850 started to look around, and I'm sure you look, because this is 654 00:34:32,850 --> 00:34:35,820 some of what you do on your therapy. Do you see a lot of 655 00:34:35,820 --> 00:34:39,480 courses on it to talk about sexuality and how therapists can 656 00:34:39,480 --> 00:34:44,070 incorporate that in their work? I haven't seen it and you know, 657 00:34:44,070 --> 00:34:47,100 and I'm sure you look and if you haven't seen much about it, we 658 00:34:47,100 --> 00:34:49,950 really do have to do better because I don't especially we 659 00:34:49,950 --> 00:34:51,750 work with couples. I just don't see how you could work with 660 00:34:51,750 --> 00:34:55,110 couples and not talk about intimacy and sexuality. I just 661 00:34:55,110 --> 00:34:57,420 don't see how that's possible. But I know it's possible. I've 662 00:34:57,420 --> 00:35:00,900 seen people do it. I told her human sexuality. sexuality 663 00:35:00,900 --> 00:35:05,460 course to undergraduates. And that was a interesting 664 00:35:05,460 --> 00:35:07,770 experience. And you know, they showed up every week and we 665 00:35:07,770 --> 00:35:11,610 talked about all kinds of stuff. But like you said after then, 666 00:35:11,910 --> 00:35:15,510 why aren't we talking about it anymore? Especially for people 667 00:35:15,510 --> 00:35:19,800 who help people? And that is a part of the human experience is 668 00:35:19,800 --> 00:35:23,580 to have sexuality and all that, you know? And also I have you 669 00:35:23,580 --> 00:35:27,420 found that was interesting. And I'm just a little kind of off a 670 00:35:27,420 --> 00:35:30,090 little bit, but I think about I know women who say, Oh, I don't 671 00:35:30,090 --> 00:35:33,090 want my husband to go to the strip club, or I don't want, you 672 00:35:33,090 --> 00:35:36,030 know, my man to be at a strip club, like, what are you just, 673 00:35:36,600 --> 00:35:38,610 just, I'm just asking us off the cuff. But what do you think 674 00:35:38,610 --> 00:35:41,220 about that? Like, what do you as a person who was actually in 675 00:35:41,220 --> 00:35:44,400 that setting? Is it something where you're like, oh, no, he 676 00:35:44,400 --> 00:35:46,890 shouldn't go at all? Or, you know, what do you think about 677 00:35:46,890 --> 00:35:47,100 that? 678 00:35:47,760 --> 00:35:49,380 Stephanie Gonzales: So my feeling on it is people are 679 00:35:49,380 --> 00:35:51,450 going to do what they want to do no matter what. So if you give 680 00:35:51,450 --> 00:35:54,780 them a safe space to at least have an experience where it's 681 00:35:55,710 --> 00:35:59,070 kind of structured, in my opinion, that's better. So if 682 00:35:59,070 --> 00:36:01,920 you are if your husband is needing intimacy from somebody 683 00:36:01,920 --> 00:36:04,170 else, isn't it better that he goes to a strip club and gets it 684 00:36:04,170 --> 00:36:06,360 where he pays for it? And then he's done at the end of the day? 685 00:36:06,570 --> 00:36:09,030 Or is it better that he reaches out and starts texting somebody 686 00:36:09,030 --> 00:36:11,880 or sexting somebody, right? So that's kind of what you know, 687 00:36:11,910 --> 00:36:14,040 when you're, when you're sick, you go to the doctor, when you 688 00:36:14,040 --> 00:36:17,040 need intimacy, and you're not getting it home, go to the strip 689 00:36:17,040 --> 00:36:20,040 club. Like, that's always been my prescription. But you know, I 690 00:36:20,040 --> 00:36:21,840 understand that there's insecurities with women, and 691 00:36:21,840 --> 00:36:23,490 they think that, you know, my husband's gonna go there and 692 00:36:23,490 --> 00:36:25,740 find somebody better or find somebody that wants to have sex 693 00:36:25,740 --> 00:36:28,920 with them. But let me rest assure women out there wives out 694 00:36:28,920 --> 00:36:31,440 there, I wasn't in that club, trying to sleep with your 695 00:36:31,440 --> 00:36:33,960 husband and your husband gives me way more money not sleeping 696 00:36:33,960 --> 00:36:36,720 with him than he does sleeping with him. And at the end of the 697 00:36:36,720 --> 00:36:39,750 day, all I'm trying to do is build him up to come home. So he 698 00:36:39,750 --> 00:36:40,530 gets some from you. 699 00:36:40,000 --> 00:36:44,110 Dr. Arcella Trimble: Okay, did you find it women came to the 700 00:36:44,110 --> 00:36:46,000 club with the man sometimes? 701 00:36:46,300 --> 00:36:48,310 Stephanie Gonzales: That happened a lot. Yep. Sometimes 702 00:36:48,310 --> 00:36:50,740 women come by themselves, married women, straight married, 703 00:36:50,740 --> 00:36:53,380 women would come by themselves, okay, they would get that same 704 00:36:53,410 --> 00:36:56,890 intimacy. And that same treatment, lots of couples would 705 00:36:56,890 --> 00:36:59,830 come in, I personally would avoid couples, it wasn't my my 706 00:36:59,830 --> 00:37:02,650 cup of tea. And because when couples came in, it was one of 707 00:37:02,650 --> 00:37:04,870 two ways either they were overly aggressive trying to find 708 00:37:04,870 --> 00:37:07,900 somebody to bring home, or the wife was not okay with the 709 00:37:07,900 --> 00:37:11,920 husband being there. And she was there just as a babysitter to 710 00:37:11,920 --> 00:37:14,410 make sure that things didn't go right. And I just did not want 711 00:37:14,410 --> 00:37:17,560 to be a part of that whatsoever. So I always chose to work with 712 00:37:17,560 --> 00:37:20,020 men who were already married, who had a good relationship at 713 00:37:20,020 --> 00:37:21,370 home that I could send them back home. 714 00:37:23,190 --> 00:37:25,470 Dr. Arcella Trimble: Okay, so even with that, so even, like 715 00:37:25,470 --> 00:37:28,020 you said, how you learn things, I think about them when you said 716 00:37:28,020 --> 00:37:30,750 that about clients selection, you know, like, again, that's 717 00:37:30,750 --> 00:37:33,780 one of the things like you're like, Okay, let me look around 718 00:37:34,080 --> 00:37:36,900 and see all the possibilities of who I could work with. And I'm 719 00:37:36,900 --> 00:37:39,450 gonna pick this group and stick with this group and do well with 720 00:37:39,450 --> 00:37:43,680 this group, you know, so, yeah, it makes sense. It makes sense. 721 00:37:44,070 --> 00:37:49,350 Okay, so when you start, and I know you said, sometimes you 722 00:37:49,350 --> 00:37:53,520 dabble in it, but when you stop, then that means we lost money. 723 00:37:53,520 --> 00:37:56,310 Like I mean, that means that you that money that we're used to 724 00:37:56,310 --> 00:37:59,970 coming in and doing that it kind of went away. So now with the 725 00:37:59,970 --> 00:38:04,200 work that you're doing, and we practice, are we making good 726 00:38:04,200 --> 00:38:07,440 money? Now, we still have a six figure therapists are we? 727 00:38:08,220 --> 00:38:11,130 Stephanie Gonzales: So with my day job, I'm pulling in $106,000 728 00:38:11,130 --> 00:38:14,400 a year and with my private practice five to 10 hours a 729 00:38:14,400 --> 00:38:16,740 week, I'm pulling it around 30 to $50,000. 730 00:38:17,400 --> 00:38:19,680 Dr. Arcella Trimble: Okay, all right. So that's not bad, 731 00:38:20,100 --> 00:38:23,040 especially now that you have a house and you have, you know, so 732 00:38:23,040 --> 00:38:26,430 you don't really need a lot. Okay. Okay, so that's not bad at 733 00:38:26,430 --> 00:38:29,250 all. So and that's not working that much. So that's pretty 734 00:38:29,250 --> 00:38:33,480 good. Okay. And especially to have a small population of 735 00:38:33,480 --> 00:38:38,670 people, in where you live in Hawaii, so that's okay. All 736 00:38:38,670 --> 00:38:43,500 right. So now what's your so in order, and you talked about some 737 00:38:43,500 --> 00:38:46,440 of the strengths that you had to be a six figure therapist, you 738 00:38:46,440 --> 00:38:48,750 know, in terms of what you learned, and your dancing and 739 00:38:48,750 --> 00:38:51,600 things like that? What are some things, what's something you're 740 00:38:51,600 --> 00:38:57,990 still working through to, you know, as you matriculate in the 741 00:38:58,140 --> 00:38:58,860 profession. 742 00:38:59,549 --> 00:39:01,319 Stephanie Gonzales: So one of the things I do with my day job 743 00:39:01,319 --> 00:39:03,869 is I help people with severe mental illness get qualified for 744 00:39:03,869 --> 00:39:06,719 an extra level of care with the insurance company, so they get 745 00:39:06,719 --> 00:39:09,719 an extra insurance so that they can have unlimited mental health 746 00:39:09,719 --> 00:39:12,749 visits. So what I do with that is I do an assessment called an 747 00:39:12,749 --> 00:39:16,709 1157. And that assessment is pretty much a checkbox 748 00:39:16,709 --> 00:39:19,679 assessment and then having to write up the clinical notes. So 749 00:39:19,679 --> 00:39:22,229 the part that I'm working on currently, for my professional 750 00:39:22,229 --> 00:39:24,389 development is getting really good at writing those clinical 751 00:39:24,389 --> 00:39:29,429 notes. It is very time consuming. And it is very 752 00:39:30,089 --> 00:39:33,869 cumbersome. It's very, it's just not really my, my cup of tea or 753 00:39:33,869 --> 00:39:36,509 my kuleana my responsibility out here. I just don't like writing 754 00:39:36,509 --> 00:39:39,239 the reports. So professionally, that's my development that I'm 755 00:39:39,239 --> 00:39:42,209 working on and getting better at that report writing. And then as 756 00:39:42,209 --> 00:39:45,149 far as like, my personal development with education is 757 00:39:45,149 --> 00:39:48,809 getting the PhD. And then doing here in Hawaii, we have what 758 00:39:48,809 --> 00:39:52,709 they call 704 hearings, and that is fitness to stand trial. And I 759 00:39:52,709 --> 00:39:55,379 really want to work with people try we don't have anybody here 760 00:39:55,379 --> 00:39:57,989 to do those. So we have to source out to the other islands 761 00:39:57,989 --> 00:40:02,129 or to California and so So it's really a disservice we do here, 762 00:40:02,279 --> 00:40:06,509 because a lot of people are said to be fit to stand trial when 763 00:40:06,509 --> 00:40:08,399 they're actually really suffering from the severe mental 764 00:40:08,399 --> 00:40:11,159 illness. So that's one thing I want to work on professionally 765 00:40:11,159 --> 00:40:14,069 is doing those hearings, and then also building the practice 766 00:40:14,069 --> 00:40:19,199 to be the go to sexual person in Maui. In Hawaii, we have two 767 00:40:19,199 --> 00:40:23,129 sexual therapists, they're both on a wall who one is a medical 768 00:40:23,129 --> 00:40:26,309 doctor, and the other one works in the prisons. So we have 769 00:40:26,309 --> 00:40:30,569 nobody. So that's really where I'm hoping to start. building my 770 00:40:30,569 --> 00:40:33,539 practice up is both the severe mental illness and core and the 771 00:40:33,539 --> 00:40:37,199 sexual related practice and sexual related trauma. 772 00:40:37,740 --> 00:40:40,290 Dr. Arcella Trimble: Okay, yeah. And actually, we were saying 773 00:40:40,290 --> 00:40:42,540 that because I have some, I have two people. So somebody is 774 00:40:42,540 --> 00:40:45,990 coming to talk about notes, and somebody is coming to talk about 775 00:40:45,990 --> 00:40:48,480 the forensics, they've been doing over 20 years doing those 776 00:40:48,480 --> 00:40:51,300 reports, and I never want. And that's the cool thing about 777 00:40:51,300 --> 00:40:54,300 this, I'm hoping is that we get to have a whole diverse group of 778 00:40:54,300 --> 00:40:56,520 people like I don't ever want to go to court, I have not been 779 00:40:56,520 --> 00:40:59,760 caught yet and knock on wood. 27 years, I don't want to go ever 780 00:41:00,360 --> 00:41:03,450 for anything. So for those you all do. And when I was talking 781 00:41:03,450 --> 00:41:05,520 to him, he said, and you know, he does that all the time, like, 782 00:41:05,550 --> 00:41:07,980 oh, you definitely have to come. So I'll tell you when that 783 00:41:07,980 --> 00:41:10,830 episode comes out, so you can hear what he has to say, because 784 00:41:11,070 --> 00:41:13,950 he was really interested when he talked about the reports and how 785 00:41:13,950 --> 00:41:17,100 to testify and all that kind of stuff. So I think that'll be 786 00:41:17,100 --> 00:41:21,450 pretty cool. So yeah, your your expansion. And when you add 787 00:41:21,450 --> 00:41:24,300 those things, of course, we know that's going to that's going to 788 00:41:24,300 --> 00:41:26,670 take you to another direction. And I'm going to expand your 789 00:41:26,670 --> 00:41:29,010 vision a little bit. And when you say you know, you want to be 790 00:41:29,010 --> 00:41:31,980 the expert in Hawaii, you know, you know what I'm thinking I'm 791 00:41:31,980 --> 00:41:36,600 thinking, you know, we're allied International, right? Because 792 00:41:36,600 --> 00:41:40,710 think about if nobody's talking about it, then that is something 793 00:41:40,710 --> 00:41:43,950 for you. And since you have your background and your experience 794 00:41:43,950 --> 00:41:48,210 in it, who else would be best to teach it? You know? Absolutely, 795 00:41:48,210 --> 00:41:49,860 Stephanie Gonzales: yes, no, I'm definitely looking forward to 796 00:41:49,860 --> 00:41:52,980 trying to create some continuing education units, and maybe at 797 00:41:52,980 --> 00:41:57,990 some level petitioning the APA and the Social Work boards to 798 00:41:57,990 --> 00:42:02,070 start requiring CEUs that cover topic around sex. Texas, for 799 00:42:02,070 --> 00:42:04,920 example, requires such sex trafficking requirements now as 800 00:42:04,920 --> 00:42:07,560 part of their SSI years. So I know that it's something that we 801 00:42:07,560 --> 00:42:10,170 can do. And it just seems like we're just not treating the 802 00:42:10,170 --> 00:42:13,770 whole person by leaving that part out. So absolutely. In my 803 00:42:13,770 --> 00:42:16,140 future, and hopefully with you, we can work on doing some 804 00:42:16,140 --> 00:42:17,460 continuing education's 805 00:42:17,610 --> 00:42:20,670 Dr. Arcella Trimble: Yes. And that research, I can't wait and, 806 00:42:20,970 --> 00:42:23,220 and hopefully, with that research, we'll be better able 807 00:42:23,220 --> 00:42:26,430 to educate mental health providers, and get more than to 808 00:42:26,430 --> 00:42:29,340 talk about this. And like, say we do some retreats and all 809 00:42:29,340 --> 00:42:32,220 kinds of like, I got it. Yeah. And that's why when you came and 810 00:42:32,220 --> 00:42:34,860 approached me with it, I was like, yes, because, again, I've 811 00:42:34,860 --> 00:42:37,080 been teaching for years, since two nights I've been teaching 812 00:42:37,080 --> 00:42:41,700 since the 1990s. And nobody has come, maybe one person has 813 00:42:41,700 --> 00:42:45,870 talked about that topic of sexuality and sex and you know, 814 00:42:45,870 --> 00:42:49,440 but it was usually as terms of victim and victimization, as 815 00:42:49,440 --> 00:42:52,620 opposed to mental health providers and things like that, 816 00:42:52,620 --> 00:42:56,460 doing something with that with their clients. So I'm extremely 817 00:42:56,460 --> 00:43:00,570 excited to see what we come up with in this in this next 818 00:43:00,600 --> 00:43:05,490 month's together. So yay, well, 819 00:43:06,270 --> 00:43:07,320 Stephanie Gonzales: and hopefully, you'll have me back 820 00:43:07,320 --> 00:43:10,860 on so we can talk about some what the dissertation topic will 821 00:43:10,860 --> 00:43:14,190 be about. And maybe we can get some buy in or some some people 822 00:43:14,190 --> 00:43:15,300 that want to contribute. 823 00:43:15,480 --> 00:43:17,040 Dr. Arcella Trimble: Oh, yeah, definitely. And like I said, I 824 00:43:17,040 --> 00:43:20,100 can see training people who really want the information who 825 00:43:20,100 --> 00:43:23,100 really wants to incorporate it, because I honestly believe and 826 00:43:23,100 --> 00:43:26,940 that's the whole reason why I even started this is I believe 827 00:43:26,940 --> 00:43:30,240 that a lot of times we're not doing some things not because we 828 00:43:30,240 --> 00:43:32,940 don't have the desire, it's just we don't have the knowledge or 829 00:43:32,940 --> 00:43:37,050 we don't have the resources, or we don't have anybody to teach 830 00:43:37,050 --> 00:43:40,440 us those type things. So I think the more that we learn together 831 00:43:40,440 --> 00:43:43,680 and share together, and then people start to apply it, I 832 00:43:43,680 --> 00:43:47,010 think we just go help so many more people. I mean, it's really 833 00:43:47,010 --> 00:43:47,580 exciting, 834 00:43:47,970 --> 00:43:49,500 Stephanie Gonzales: that there's been a cultural shift, right, we 835 00:43:49,500 --> 00:43:51,870 went from a sex negative approach to a sex positive 836 00:43:51,870 --> 00:43:54,300 approach. And these millennials are now very sex positive, and 837 00:43:54,300 --> 00:43:58,650 they want to talk about sex. So we as a, as a profession have to 838 00:43:58,650 --> 00:44:01,830 catch up. And we really have to start looking at from a sex 839 00:44:01,830 --> 00:44:03,090 positive perspective. 840 00:44:03,210 --> 00:44:06,120 Dr. Arcella Trimble: Mm hmm. True. Very true. Yeah. And so, 841 00:44:06,420 --> 00:44:08,850 you know, like I said, we're, you know, we might, why not 842 00:44:08,850 --> 00:44:12,030 start? Why not, we beat some of the people to start that. And 843 00:44:12,030 --> 00:44:14,970 one of the quotes that I have on my decision board or vision 844 00:44:14,970 --> 00:44:17,910 board, most people call them, we call them decision boards is 845 00:44:18,060 --> 00:44:20,580 David Goggins. I'm gonna have his book behind me can't hurt 846 00:44:20,580 --> 00:44:25,950 me. But he talked about being uncommon amongst the uncommon, 847 00:44:26,550 --> 00:44:30,360 right. And so I'm like, yes. So you know, you already have in 848 00:44:30,360 --> 00:44:33,780 common, and now we're going to pick a topic out and be even 849 00:44:33,780 --> 00:44:37,830 more uncommon amongst the uncommon, right. And so that's 850 00:44:37,830 --> 00:44:41,100 what I'm hoping that this inspires people to do. And if 851 00:44:41,100 --> 00:44:44,970 nothing else, start to think, Hey, am I talking about sexual 852 00:44:44,970 --> 00:44:47,970 related stuff in the therapy sessions? And then if not, why 853 00:44:47,970 --> 00:44:51,240 not? Am I is it something with me that I need to work through 854 00:44:51,240 --> 00:44:54,600 like you were saying, or is it something is it just me having a 855 00:44:54,600 --> 00:44:57,330 lack of knowledge, whatever it is, like you said, how do you 856 00:44:57,330 --> 00:45:02,040 treat the whole person that we leave pieces out? You know, so 857 00:45:02,100 --> 00:45:03,930 yeah, I'm very excited. 858 00:45:04,349 --> 00:45:05,879 Stephanie Gonzales: Yes, I'm very excited. 859 00:45:06,479 --> 00:45:08,909 Dr. Arcella Trimble: Well, I thank you so much for sitting 860 00:45:08,909 --> 00:45:10,829 with me today. 861 00:45:11,189 --> 00:45:12,659 Stephanie Gonzales: Thanks for having me. I really enjoyed 862 00:45:12,659 --> 00:45:13,229 doing this. 863 00:45:13,409 --> 00:45:15,269 Dr. Arcella Trimble: I know, and I'm hoping we'll see what people 864 00:45:15,269 --> 00:45:17,369 say in terms of the comments and stuff. I don't know, we might 865 00:45:17,369 --> 00:45:20,189 have some some controversy. But that's a that's all right to the 866 00:45:20,189 --> 00:45:20,609 right. 867 00:45:20,970 --> 00:45:22,530 Stephanie Gonzales: That's okay. That's okay. Because, you know, 868 00:45:22,530 --> 00:45:26,310 I have zero regrets for how I, where I've ended up without 869 00:45:26,310 --> 00:45:29,130 doing that job, I would not be able to talk about people as 870 00:45:29,250 --> 00:45:33,150 with people as comfortably about sex as I do. And it's just very, 871 00:45:33,180 --> 00:45:36,300 very appreciative of having that as a part of my past. 872 00:45:37,199 --> 00:45:39,119 Dr. Arcella Trimble: Yeah. And I'm hoping it does stir up 873 00:45:39,119 --> 00:45:41,759 something and people, because if it does, then that means we're 874 00:45:41,759 --> 00:45:44,429 doing some correct because that, you know, because right now, 875 00:45:44,429 --> 00:45:47,369 nobody's even talking about it. So if we started talking about 876 00:45:47,369 --> 00:45:51,029 even if you don't agree with everything, then that that is 877 00:45:51,029 --> 00:45:54,479 something that needs to be said, right? And then we have to think 878 00:45:54,479 --> 00:45:56,519 why don't you agree? And if you do agree, you know, all that 879 00:45:56,519 --> 00:46:00,419 kind of stuff. So I think it's a wonderful topic. And I know I 880 00:46:00,419 --> 00:46:02,489 can you know, me, I thought about four or five different 881 00:46:02,489 --> 00:46:07,139 things we can do with it, to help people and expanded and all 882 00:46:07,139 --> 00:46:12,629 of that. So I'm really excited. Yes, thank you so much. 883 00:46:12,659 --> 00:46:14,339 Stephanie Gonzales: Thank you. All right. 884 00:46:14,360 --> 00:46:17,900 Dr. Arcella Trimble: And so everyone, you will get to touch 885 00:46:17,900 --> 00:46:21,410 his little wife, Stephanie, say Hawaii, but you will get to if 886 00:46:21,410 --> 00:46:25,070 you want to talk to her, we will have her information up. And you 887 00:46:25,070 --> 00:46:28,400 know, I don't know if you do any consultations or anything like 888 00:46:28,400 --> 00:46:31,820 that, or yet or not as radon and what to do 889 00:46:31,850 --> 00:46:35,060 Stephanie Gonzales: I'm licensed in Hawaii and Texas, and any 890 00:46:35,060 --> 00:46:37,220 therapist that wants to reach out to me to have a conversation 891 00:46:37,220 --> 00:46:39,650 about talking about sex, bring it on, I love it 892 00:46:39,890 --> 00:46:41,360 Dr. Arcella Trimble: Okay, and like I said, I think what we'll 893 00:46:41,360 --> 00:46:43,640 do is maybe have a masterclass because we're gonna have some 894 00:46:43,640 --> 00:46:46,640 group sessions in the nursery, so maybe we'll have some 895 00:46:46,640 --> 00:46:50,450 question and answer thing with you and get you to come back and 896 00:46:50,450 --> 00:46:52,940 then see if we can have some people start some more 897 00:46:52,940 --> 00:46:54,230 conversation about this. 898 00:46:54,860 --> 00:46:56,240 Stephanie Gonzales: I'm ready. Yeah, 899 00:46:56,270 --> 00:46:57,350 Dr. Arcella Trimble: thank you so much, 900 00:46:57,000 --> 00:46:59,070 Stephanie Gonzales: me anything I'm more than willing to share I 901 00:46:59,070 --> 00:47:01,050 have nothing that I'm ashamed of, or nothing that I'm not 902 00:47:01,050 --> 00:47:03,210 willing to bring forward. So yeah, absolutely. 903 00:47:03,000 --> 00:47:05,340 Dr. Arcella Trimble: You know, I'm not either so I that's one 904 00:47:05,340 --> 00:47:10,500 thing that I, I think we enjoy about each other. Alright, thank 905 00:47:10,500 --> 00:47:11,850 you so much. 906 00:47:11,910 --> 00:47:12,660 Stephanie Gonzales: Thank you. 907 00:47:12,870 --> 00:47:13,860 Dr. Arcella Trimble: All right. Bye.