Make Friends With Fear-Ep: 078

Welcome to she coaches coaches. I'm your host,

Kandi motsek. And I'm going to help you find the clarity,

confidence and courage to become the coach that you are meant to

be. If you're a new coach, or if you've always wanted to be a

life coach, then this is the place for you. We're going to

talk all about mindset and strategies and how to, because

step by step only works when you have the clarity, courage and

confidence to take action. Let's get started. Today, we're gonna

talk about how to make friends with fear. Yeah, a different

kind of conversation.

I know. And the reason that I want to talk about this is

because I still know how much we all struggle with fear often on,

you know, depending on where I'm at with my business, or what's

going on in the world, I struggle with fear. And I know

you do, too. So let's dive right in. Let's start this thing about

what is fear? Do you notice how we assume that fear has control

over us, and then we do everything in our power to avoid

feeling scared, and everything in our power to do anything that

might make us feel scared. And so a lot of times, you might

want to avoid this conversation, avoid the topic entirely. But

you guys are courageous, I know you can handle this, you might

get busy, you might procrastinate. You might work on

making something perfect. So you never have to release it. You

may want to get those words just right before you say them. If

you want to have a conversation with somebody, you might just

hesitate. Fear shows up in a lot of different ways. And in the

previous episode, I talked about the five phases of fear, I

highly recommend you go and have a listen to that one too. We

allow it to hold us back from helping the people we were meant

to help and helping ourselves to live the life that we are meant

to live. When I think of fear, there are three things that I

realized about how to make friends with fear. And even if

you don't want to make friends with fear, how about if we just

learn to tolerate fear? So instead of spending a whole

bunch of time resisting and avoiding and trying to hold it

at arm's length, let's do what we can. The first thing, fear is

completely normal. It's an emotion, we experience emotions.

When we go back to why do we have that emotion? Why do we

experience fear, it's because of a chemical reaction is because

of evolution. And our body has evolved to take care of us. We

often will experience one of the four F's fight, flight, fawn, or

freeze, those are all stress responses. But they often show

up when we're experiencing fear. When we're doing something, or

anticipating or seeing something that we think is dangerous. We

get it, our mind experiences fear, and it thinks that we're

in danger. So what's really going on, it's normal that you

want to resist, it's normal that you want to avoid feeling fear,

because it means that you're in danger. And your body and your

mind is just trying to help you out. Now for most of us, we

don't really have that much danger in our lives. We're not

really concerned about being physically hurt. We're not

really concerned about getting eaten by a lion, or attacked by

a grizzly bear. Some of us do have true danger in our life.

And in this case, your fear is a helpful thing, helping you to be

alert and helping you to move to safety. But for many of us and

many of the things in our life, it is not a real physical

danger. So when we think first that fear is normal, that it's a

reaction of our mind and body that's going to help you. The

second is that we're always going to experience fear anytime

we try something new. And again is for the same reason we think

something's wrong is going to happen. We've never tried it

before. It's new, it's unknown. So again, totally natural that

our body and mind reacts. We feel scared. And so we resist

and in the resisting of the fear, we allow it to have power

over us. But think about what your life has been up until now.

You've tried new things, you know how to walk, you didn't

know how to walk when you were born, you probably know how to

cook dinner. But you didn't know how to do that when you were a

little one, you probably graduated from high school or

university, you probably went on a first date with somebody,

every one of those new things, you probably felt some fear at

the start, it may have been coupled with excitement, and

excitement and fear, have a real similar feeling in your body.

Some of us are excited about being excited. And so it makes

it easier to overcome. Some of us interpret that feeling as

fear and really feel the fear. So maybe you had to have an

uncomfortable conversation with your boss. We've all done things

for the first time before. It's a weird trick our mind likes to

do. It wants us to forget that we have actually done things

that were scary before. And now they're part of your normal,

everyday life. So it's normal to feel afraid when you're trying

something new. And then we forget that we used to be afraid

of that thing. Maybe you were scared when you had your first

class at university. And then after a couple of weeks, it was

no big deal. You just go in the class, you sit down, you sit

close to some people that you've met. And that's just the way you

are, that's the way life is. And you completely forgot how scared

you were at the start. So that's one of those things that fear

likes to do with us. It likes to play it out little mind game, we

forget that we have done things that are scary. We forget that

we are courageous beings. Remember those things that were

first we were scared at first, and we did them, we showed up

that is courage in action. So fear is normal, it is a normal

reaction. And fear is normal when we're trying something new.

And the third thing is that we forget, we forget that we were

scared. We forget that we were nervous, we forget that we were

worried all those things, right? The first is for you to remember

that this is a reaction to a situation, either imagined

situation or a real situation. But it's still a reaction. It's

not who you are, it is a reaction you are having. You are

not fear, you are an individual, and you are experiencing a

feeling of fear. So instead of internalizing and resisting, you

can keep the power of fear much lower, and start to get a little

bit friendly with it when you realize that it's not who you

are, that it is a passing thing. And then more than likely,

you've had courage in the past, and you have forgotten about it.

So now, let's talk very briefly about how to make friends with

fear. The first thing is that you can do this is you say to

yourself, you normalize it, you say Oh, alright, you know that

this is a new thing. No wonder I'm feeling nervous. It's

completely normal for me to feel nervous. Perfect example, me

with this podcast. I wanted to do a podcast for years. And then

it took me forever to get over that nervousness. Well, now

we're on episode 78. Can you believe it? 78 It's just the

thing that I do. I've made friends with that fear. I moved

forward anyway. And I know you can too. So you could tell

yourself Oh, right. You know what? This is normal is just my

body and mind trying to keep me safe. So that's one of those

things that fear likes to do with us. It likes to play it

out. Little mind game. We forget that we have done things that

are scary. We forget that we are courageous beings. Remember

those things that were first we were scared at first and we did

them. We showed up that is courage in action. So fear is

normal. It is a normal reaction. And fear is normal when we're

trying something new. And the third thing is that we forget,

we forget that we were scared. We forget that we were maybe

your goal is to start a coaching practice. Maybe your goal is to

sign your first five coaching clients. Maybe your goal is who

knows what to be a full booked a six figure coach. So instead of

always thinking in the granular place of what it's going to be

like a year from now, when you're a fully booked coach, and

you're spent all that time imagining all the scary things

you're going to have to do between now and the next year,

take it down, break it down into small, little itty bitty steps,

micro steps, even if you have to. So instead of saying, Oh, my

gosh, I'm here and I have so far to go break it down into the

small steps. What is one little thing you could do? What's that

next little thing you can do? And then you'll find that if you

take those steps small enough, they're not nearly as

terrifying. Instead of going so far out of your comfort zone,

you're only just pressing the edge of your comfort zone. And

those little steps can be done quick as a wink, just like that

done. Five minutes, 10 minutes, 30 minutes, one minute.

Sometimes it's as fast as pressing send on that email.

Sometimes it might only even be a couple of seconds, right? So

you take it, you break it down into the small steps, the

manageable micro steps, then you look.

Then, when you've done that thing, give yourself a pat on

the back, say, Yeah, I did it, take satisfaction, even delight

in checking that item off your list. So if you keep doing those

little micro steps, before you know it, you're going to be so

far down the path, you're going to be so far closer to that

goal. And because you're just pressing on the edge of your

comfort zone, instead of way over taking the giant leap,

you've managed fear, you've made friends with the small little

steps instead of getting stuck. And you're going to have

forgotten about how scared you were at the beginning. So

remember, the three characteristics of fear, the

first fear is normal, and we're going to experience that, number

two, we will always experience it. And we will give it way more

power when we resist it. The third is we forget, we forget

that there are things that we do today that are no big deal that

used to make us feel scared. And then to make friends with fear,

remind yourself fear is normal. It's part of the human

condition. This is just my mind and my body acting up trying to

keep me safe. The second step to make friends with fear is

separate you from your fear, separate the you who you are

from the emotion. The third, to make friends with fear is take

tiny little actions that move you relentlessly forward. When

you're feeling nervous, you're going to just keep going to the

next tiny action and the next tiny action.

And finally, in all of this, remember to be proud of

yourself. Remember to acknowledge your own

accomplishments. Remember to celebrate your wins. So you

might look at it and say, Hey, look at this. I go to the gym

four times a week now. And I used to be scared to walk in the

front door. Now I walk in the door like it's no big deal. I

know the equipment. I know the people, I have a smile on your

face. Give yourself credit for all that stuff you have already

done. Remind yourself of all those things that you used to be

scared of, that you have overcome that you have

forgotten. Remind yourself, when you do that, you're going to

remember that you are courageous, and that you are so

much more capable than you give yourself credit for. So I'm so

glad you're here. And I hope you take this episode and apply it

in your life. I've got one more little thing. If you've always

been curious about what it takes to become a successful coach.

I've got something that I wrote for you. It's called The

Ultimate Guide to Becoming a professional coach. I've put a

link in the Episode Notes and I'd encourage you to go and

download it and have a read especially if this is something

that you have been dreaming of for months or years. I don't

want to hold you back. I want to help and any way that I can to

fulfill your dream. So download that guide and have a read. And

if you want even more help, maybe you've had enough of

trying to figure it all out on your own. Maybe you've had

enough of downloading all the things and trying to piece them

together, then we should talk, we should talk about how we can

work together. I've got some space open in my calendar for

private clients, and I would love to hear from you. Click the

link in the Episode Notes to find out how to apply to work.

I'll be back and speak with you again. Thanks again for

listening today. Please hop on over to Apple podcasts and leave

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going to give me great ideas for future episodes so I can help

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and teaching to help you become the confident coach. You are