May 3, 2023

Parenting Your LGBTQ Teen With Heather Hester

Parenting Your LGBTQ Teen With Heather Hester

In this informative and heartfelt episode, you’ll hear from Heather Hester, proud mom of 4 children and advocate and ally for the LGBTQIA+ community. Heather’s son came out as gay 6 years ago and at that time she searched for resources, only to find very few. Little by little, he started out compiling her own, blogged about her experiences, and started a podcast called Just Breathe: Parenting Your LGBTQ Teen. We talk about the ups and downs of parenting through both the adults’ process and the child’s process, knowing each young person is unique. Themes of self care and conscious parenting are interwoven. Please share with a friend who may need to hear these messages or a family in need of resources.

EPISODE TAKEAWAYS (what you’ll learn):

  • Heather’s original desire to design resources that didn’t exist
  • The importance of finding reliable and updated sources of information
  • The best things parents can do for themselves in their journey
  • The 4 Pillars of Heather’s work: Embrace, Educate, Empower & Love
  • Heather shares her favorite resources

Shared Resources:

PFLAG: https://pflag.org/

The Trevor Project: https://www.thetrevorproject.org/

About the Guest:

Heather Hester is the founder of Chrysalis Mama which provides support and education to parents and allies of LGBTQIA adolescents, teenagers, and young adults. She is also the creator and host of the podcast Just Breathe: Parenting your LGBTQ Teen. As an advocate and coach for parents and allies, she believes the coming out process is equal parts beautiful and messy. She also works with companies’ DEI initiatives to educate and empower their employees. She is a writer, married to her best friend 27 years, the mother of four extraordinary kids (three of whom are LGBTQIA), and a student of life who believes in being authentic and embracing the messiness.

Links:

Website: www.chrysalismama.com

Podcast: https://feeds.captivate.fm/just-breathe-parenting/

Facebook, Instagram and Twitter

Email: hh@chrysalismama.com

About the Host:

Maureen Spielman is the Founder of Mystical Sisterhood, a podcast dedicated to bringing more joy, healing and expansion to the world. She is a seasoned life coach who supports individuals through one-on-one coaching, groups and workshops.

Connect with Maureen:

● Check out her Instagram: @maureeenspielman

● Learn more about her work at www.maureenspielman.com

● Want to join our Mystical Sisterhood Membership community? Find out more here: https://www.maureenspielman.com/mysticalsisterhood

● Email Maureen at hello@maureenspielman.com to inquire about coaching, podcasting & speaking engagements

● Want to view Mystical Sisterhood episodes? Visit the Mystical Sisterhood YouTube Channel here: Magical Sisterhood Youtube

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Transcript
Maureen Spielman:

This week join me in welcoming Heather Hester

Maureen Spielman:

founder of Chrysalis mama and the podcast. Just breathe

Maureen Spielman:

parenting your LGBTQ teen. When Heather son came out as gay six

Maureen Spielman:

years ago, she couldn't find reliable resources. So she went

Maureen Spielman:

above and beyond, and she started collecting her own. Her

Maureen Spielman:

commitment and passion has grown through the years, and she uses

Maureen Spielman:

her voice to educate the LGBTQIA plus community and their

Maureen Spielman:

families. Don't miss this episode. Heather has a lot of

Maureen Spielman:

wisdom and valuable information to share. And please share this

Maureen Spielman:

with your friends and family or anyone who could benefit from

Maureen Spielman:

knowing how there's work. Let's go to the episode.

Maureen Spielman:

Hey there, welcome to mystical sisterhood. This is your host,

Maureen Spielman:

Maureen Spielman. I started the show to highlight the

Maureen Spielman:

intuitives, healers and other courageous women that I've met

Maureen Spielman:

along my journey and continue to meet. Through amazing

Maureen Spielman:

interviews, I seek to ask insightful questions to uncover

Maureen Spielman:

ways in which you the listener can apply the wisdom and

Maureen Spielman:

knowledge to your own life. I believe that we're all in this

Maureen Spielman:

together. So sharing healing and joy, and bringing community

Maureen Spielman:

together is both my passion and purpose. If you'd like to learn

Maureen Spielman:

more about the mystical sisterhood community I'm

Maureen Spielman:

building, please visit www mystical sisterhood.com See you

Maureen Spielman:

in the episode.

Maureen Spielman:

Okay, welcome back to mystical sisterhood. This is Maureen. And

Maureen Spielman:

I'm with Heather Hester today. And I did a little intro and

Maureen Spielman:

Heather, but she's the founder of Chrysalis mama, and the

Maureen Spielman:

podcast, just breathe parenting your LGBTQ teen. And we met

Maureen Spielman:

only virtually so far, but through someone who thought that

Maureen Spielman:

we would go well together. And and. And I think that you gave

Maureen Spielman:

me my podcast editor. And so I've been following your work.

Maureen Spielman:

And I really wanted to have you on today. Because I think you're

Maureen Spielman:

just this example of a woman who saw a need in the world. And a

Maureen Spielman:

need that you felt because of where you had found yourself in

Maureen Spielman:

your life that perhaps could be filled with your voice and your

Maureen Spielman:

experience. And then what I know of you is the resources that you

Maureen Spielman:

began to pull together in order to support people. But I want to

Maureen Spielman:

welcome you and say hi, first of all,

Heather Hester:

hi, thank you. That's so nice. It's such a

Heather Hester:

nice, such a nice welcome. And it is always a funny thing to

Heather Hester:

hear, to hear people say back to you what you do, because I think

Heather Hester:

that we often think

Heather Hester:

we get so kind of into what we're doing that we don't

Heather Hester:

think of it in any way that's not not complimentary, but you

Heather Hester:

know, it just thank you. That's very kind course. And I it is i

Heather Hester:

i think that's been one of the most fun things about doing the

Heather Hester:

podcast is that I'm doing this work in general as meeting

Heather Hester:

people like you and and just being connected, where people

Heather Hester:

will say, Okay, you need to meet so and so and then, you know,

Heather Hester:

like, we met and we totally hit it off. And we actually both

Heather Hester:

live in we live pretty close to each other, which is really

Heather Hester:

funny. So someday we have to meet in person. Absolutely. But

Heather Hester:

just doing work that's very parallel. And in certainly kind

Heather Hester:

of weaves into

Unknown:

you know, one another. And so thank you so much for

Unknown:

having me. I'm really I'm honored that you asked. You're

Unknown:

welcome. So when I think about the two things you've started

Unknown:

chrysalis, Mama and just breathe. which one came first.

Unknown:

And you want to tell a little bit about this the origin story

Unknown:

of how they came to be. Oh my goodness, yes. Well, geez, I'll

Unknown:

try to make it brief. I didn't never good at the brief part.

Heather Hester:

But chrysalis mama did come first and

Heather Hester:

chrysalis mama came out of

Heather Hester:

a need that I saw need to be filled.

Heather Hester:

When some my oldest child came out six years ago as gay, and he

Heather Hester:

struggled and every possible way a kid could struggle. And

Heather Hester:

really,

Heather Hester:

there were times that were very, very frightening on the very

Heather Hester:

beginning parts of our journey. He is my oldest of four kids.

Heather Hester:

And so I had three younger kids at the time, who were all having

Heather Hester:

their own experiences of what was going on and how much they

Heather Hester:

could know and how much we could tell them and

Heather Hester:

et cetera, et cetera. And, and we were in a very different

Heather Hester:

place at that time. And the way that we parented and the way

Heather Hester:

that we saw the world and the way, I mean, in every possible

Heather Hester:

way you could think of, and so it was a lot of

Heather Hester:

shifting. I mean, that was one of those moments in your life

Heather Hester:

where I was definitely, you know, when he said, Mom, I'm

Heather Hester:

gay. I was like, okay, like, that it is was not even a

Heather Hester:

question of, oh, my, well, well, it was like, alright, well, we

Heather Hester:

got to figure this out, we will figure this out. And, and that

Heather Hester:

was kind of my like, we're gonna do this, I'm gonna figure this

Heather Hester:

out. And

Heather Hester:

it was very difficult to find resources. And it was very

Heather Hester:

difficult to find people to talk to I mean, PFLAG has always been

Heather Hester:

a wonderful resource, but my husband and I initially, were

Heather Hester:

not the like, Let's go talk with a lot of other people we don't

Heather Hester:

know. Right? We were very much like we, we just kind of circled

Heather Hester:

the wagons, and we're like,

Heather Hester:

we're dealing with this here, right. And so that was not

Heather Hester:

really an option for us at the beginning. And so there were not

Heather Hester:

these, you know, options, there was not information. And it was

Heather Hester:

very difficult to know what information, of course, you

Heather Hester:

could Google, but you don't know what's true, like what's real.

Heather Hester:

And it was very frustrating. And he was, my son was just

Heather Hester:

spiraling faster than we could keep up with. So it was just

Heather Hester:

kind of a, you know, a perfect storm of stuff that was going

Heather Hester:

on.

Heather Hester:

So about a year, little over a year, maybe 18 months into our

Heather Hester:

journey, we kind of had this like, place of calm, and he was

Heather Hester:

stable, and things were good. And we had learned all of this.

Heather Hester:

And I was like,

Heather Hester:

no other parent should have to go through this. And I know

Heather Hester:

there are 1000s of other parents out there that are feeling the

Heather Hester:

same way, like, what do we do? And, you know, and we're in a

Heather Hester:

fairly progressive area. So it's not like, we've needed to really

Heather Hester:

be worried safety wise, a lot of people are not. And that is like

Heather Hester:

an additional concern, right? And so where can people find

Heather Hester:

information, when they really can't seek anything outside,

Heather Hester:

they need to be able to do that with it. And

Heather Hester:

so I just started, I created crystals, Mama, and that was my

Heather Hester:

place to dump all of my great resources that I had found along

Heather Hester:

the way. And I have always been a writer. And so I just started

Heather Hester:

writing, I'd been kind of keeping journals of things and

Heather Hester:

writing blogs, and it just kind of came this beautiful place to

Heather Hester:

it was a creative outlet for me and put this information and

Heather Hester:

people started responding to it. And I was like, Oh, this is

Heather Hester:

good. This is actually people actually do need this. Like it's

Heather Hester:

not inside my head.

Heather Hester:

Yeah. And that is when I created the podcast, and kind of like

Heather Hester:

you, you and I were talking about this earlier about how the

Heather Hester:

idea of having a podcast of doing a podcast was I you know,

Heather Hester:

it was a gift that wasn't something that I like,

Heather Hester:

aspired to do or be because that could not be further from my

Heather Hester:

natural introvert itself.

Heather Hester:

My husband is the extrovert, not me. And so, but I was like,

Heather Hester:

Well, this is a really good way to reach more people and to

Heather Hester:

really let other people know that they are not alone. And

Heather Hester:

that there is good information and that there are other people

Heather Hester:

out there that they can connect with. And and that they are

Heather Hester:

safe, and that they are okay, right where they are and that

Heather Hester:

you also write all the things.

Heather Hester:

And the podcast has been such an extraordinary gift. It's three

Heather Hester:

and a half years old. I mean, which is weird for me to say

Heather Hester:

that but I've been doing that for years. Right?

Unknown:

And then you know, everything is just kind of grown

Unknown:

from there. So yeah, it is a gift bi Yeah, I know that it is

Unknown:

for your your audience and your listeners because

Maureen Spielman:

I think when you were talking about the part

Maureen Spielman:

of searching for information, is I think like to go to the

Maureen Spielman:

internet to find out because what, uh, you know, you wanted

Maureen Spielman:

factual things, but also the emotional part, right, and the

Maureen Spielman:

parenting part and like, how do I best and I think for any child

Maureen Spielman:

who might be spiraling, that's hard information to find good

Maureen Spielman:

information. Yeah. And so there's that piece and then did

Maureen Spielman:

did you find that to be true?

Heather Hester:

Oh, absolutely, absolutely. And I think it's

Heather Hester:

very hot, kind of like we were talking about this earlier, too.

Heather Hester:

It's like the WebMD thing, right? I mean, you can put

Heather Hester:

something in like this, you know, whatever's going on with

Heather Hester:

my child, right. And like the 12 most awful things that could

Heather Hester:

possibly happen. That's what comes up first. Which that's not

Heather Hester:

what you're looking for. You're looking for, and you're already

Heather Hester:

in a state of like, you know, whether it's crisis or just like

Heather Hester:

your wound so tight, that you're, you're stressed out,

Heather Hester:

you're overwhelmed. You're terrified. Whatever it is.

Heather Hester:

So yeah, so that was another piece of it, that I wanted to be

Heather Hester:

able to offer information in a way that people knew that it was

Heather Hester:

vetted, that it was good that it was accurate. And that they

Heather Hester:

could, you know, consume it in a safe place. Right? Yeah, I love

Heather Hester:

that. And

Maureen Spielman:

that idea, the other part of what you were

Maureen Spielman:

sharing is, I think so often, whatever our child is going

Maureen Spielman:

through, it becomes even in the best of support systems, it's a

Maureen Spielman:

very isolated journey. Because it's just, it's your own

Maureen Spielman:

journey. So it's like pull in the support where you can, and

Maureen Spielman:

know that you're going to be dealing with a lot of your own

Maureen Spielman:

thoughts, feelings, emotions, because even that name chrysalis

Maureen Spielman:

mama, like when, when I think of that name, and then you can tell

Maureen Spielman:

me why you chose it. But I think of a chrysalis is

Maureen Spielman:

transformation. And that kind of close to one of the reasons you

Maureen Spielman:

named your business that 100% Yeah, so you saw yourself

Maureen Spielman:

transforming as you went along? Yeah, I did. I did. Because when

Maureen Spielman:

I, when I chose that, I mean, we were about, like I said, I think

Maureen Spielman:

about 18 months on, you know, kind of into the journey. And

Maureen Spielman:

already at that point, so much transformation had occurred. And

Maureen Spielman:

just like, you know, eyes being opened, and things we had

Maureen Spielman:

learned and ways we had expanded, et cetera, et cetera.

Maureen Spielman:

And,

Heather Hester:

and I had always said, the mana part comes from

Heather Hester:

the fact that I might, my email had always been mama like

Heather Hester:

Heather, Heather mama, that was my personal email. And so each

Heather Hester:

time that I would like, this is like, TMI. But each time I would

Heather Hester:

get pregnant with another child, I literally started as how their

Heather Hester:

mama one and now I'm another mom of four. So people would know

Heather Hester:

that I was pregnant again, because I would change my email.

Heather Hester:

But I was like, Well, this is kind of perfect. Like, this is

Heather Hester:

how everyone knows, like, Oh, my personal friends know me this

Heather Hester:

way. And so it just seemed to make sense that I named my

Heather Hester:

business that yes, but the chrysalis thing I've always

Heather Hester:

loved. There's a lot of symbolism to Chrysalis in the

Heather Hester:

transformation. And I have always loved butterflies. That

Heather Hester:

has been a personal love of mine. Since I was a little girl,

Heather Hester:

and, and have a lot of belief and the symbolism of

Heather Hester:

butterflies, which we could talk so much about, I'm sure.

Heather Hester:

And then I had thyroid cancer a few years ago, and the thyroid

Heather Hester:

is actually the shape of a butterfly. Yes. Which is so

Heather Hester:

interesting. That is so interesting. So it's just all

Heather Hester:

kind of

Maureen Spielman:

the way it was meant to be. Yeah, well, thanks

Maureen Spielman:

for sharing all that. And I'm sure that you've gotten the so

Maureen Spielman:

comfortable with the vulnerability because it is a

Maureen Spielman:

lot I think I had heard somewhere on your podcast that,

Maureen Spielman:

you know, you may worry that I am sharing my son's story, but

Maureen Spielman:

we, we have full permission to do right. So I'm sure that

Maureen Spielman:

privacy issues are a big issue for people. So the fact that

Maureen Spielman:

you're that's that bravery, that courage that you had to come

Maureen Spielman:

forth, forth and say, and you had that, you know, union with

Maureen Spielman:

Him, that was like, okay, mom, and I've another woman I had on

Maureen Spielman:

the podcast, Harry Potter with her child, she also they were so

Maureen Spielman:

fully like, yes, you can share my stories. And it was such a

Maureen Spielman:

beautiful thing.

Maureen Spielman:

Well, what I know about your work, because not only just the

Maureen Spielman:

the beauty of what you're bringing forth in order to

Maureen Spielman:

support people, wherever they are, and wherever they are, on

Maureen Spielman:

their journey, whether it's probably even pre coming out to

Maureen Spielman:

coming out to every you know, all the stages afterwards. You

Maureen Spielman:

know, just if you look around for the listener, if you

Maureen Spielman:

recommend it to anyone you know, who is has a child who is coming

Maureen Spielman:

out or has come out is

Maureen Spielman:

that there are so many different episodes that are educational.

Maureen Spielman:

And so that's the other part because I had there I thought

Maureen Spielman:

like Oh, I could have you on and just to to also just educate on

Maureen Spielman:

different aspects of it. But even in the beginning, I loved

Maureen Spielman:

how well just how you named because now I can see your

Maureen Spielman:

process a little bit right? That you that it's

Heather Hester:

started in as nascence, with just doing a few

Heather Hester:

things, gathering resources during this, but I can see from

Heather Hester:

where you are now and how you've put structure almost around,

Heather Hester:

like, what are my principles? I know you talk about the four

Heather Hester:

pillars of your work. And I don't know, if you want to name

Heather Hester:

those are kind of say the significance of them. Sure,

Heather Hester:

sure, yes. So the four pillars are to embrace, which is pretty

Heather Hester:

self explanatory. But it's, you know, it's kind of double, it's

Heather Hester:

embracing your child, of course, but it's embracing the process.

Heather Hester:

It's embracing the information, it's embracing, you know, the,

Heather Hester:

whatever the situation, if you want to call it that, that

Heather Hester:

you're in, right. And then the second is educate and education

Heather Hester:

is so huge, I believe so fully, and the more that we understand

Heather Hester:

and the more that we have good, accurate information, that that

Heather Hester:

takes away the fear that takes away the overwhelm that just

Heather Hester:

being educated then, of course, allows you to empower, be feel

Heather Hester:

empowered, and to empower your child. And then the last pillar

Heather Hester:

is love, which is really kind of an all encompassing, but I've

Heather Hester:

found over time, certainly this was for true for me, but so many

Heather Hester:

others that we don't really have a

Heather Hester:

full understanding of love what unconditional love is. And so

Heather Hester:

really understanding what that means and how to give that and

Heather Hester:

show that. Yeah, it's beautiful. Yeah. Beautiful, four pillars.

Maureen Spielman:

I don't know, you know, when we think about

Maureen Spielman:

the education piece,

Maureen Spielman:

I know that you have two beautiful resources. And one I'm

Maureen Spielman:

just going to say is, here's my top 10 episodes, I thought that

Maureen Spielman:

was pretty cool. To be, you know, just to say like, Hey, if

Maureen Spielman:

you want to get a start in listening, here's the ones that

Maureen Spielman:

have been most popular. I really liked that you had that. And

Maureen Spielman:

that may have come through the beautiful resource you created.

Maureen Spielman:

Of tell me the name of it again. And because I did, you know, put

Maureen Spielman:

my name on the email to get the resource that you created. And

Maureen Spielman:

it was just so beautiful. Oh, thank you is the the language

Maureen Spielman:

one. Yeah, yeah. Okay. Yeah. Sorry, the language of LGBTQ i A

Maureen Spielman:

plus. Okay. So yes. All the

Heather Hester:

of course, that's, again, another

Heather Hester:

conversation but our answers to questions. But yes, that

Heather Hester:

actually took me which I giggle took me like six months to put

Heather Hester:

that together.

Heather Hester:

Probably because I had like a million things going on. But it

Heather Hester:

was such an important thing for me to do. I felt so passionate

Heather Hester:

about that, because that is one of the biggest questions that

Heather Hester:

all people have not just people who have, you know, kids who are

Heather Hester:

out or maybe coming out.

Heather Hester:

But everyone, and that is the number one thing that my friends

Heather Hester:

asked me all the time, and I finally was like, Okay, I've got

Heather Hester:

to put this book together. And then I'm sending it to all of

Heather Hester:

you. Right?

Heather Hester:

And it's funny, because even the other day, a girlfriend of mine

Heather Hester:

had read it. And she was just like, I never knew now I totally

Heather Hester:

understand why, you know, this is, you know why her thing was?

Heather Hester:

Why you don't say a transgender?

Maureen Spielman:

You want to know that before? But yes, oh,

Maureen Spielman:

glass, you know? Yes. Yeah. So it's even further reaching than

Maureen Spielman:

you'd, but it's shows how essential so it's an e book.

Maureen Spielman:

It's and I, I personally can see how it took you six months to

Maureen Spielman:

put together because it's beautiful. But it's very

Maureen Spielman:

comprehensive with vocabulary. And one of the nicest things

Maureen Spielman:

that it says you have a quote in the beginning of it. And it was

Maureen Spielman:

something along the lines of You don't need to be perfect. You

Maureen Spielman:

don't and

Maureen Spielman:

I can't remember the exact quote, but it was just like,

Maureen Spielman:

here, this is an educational resource so you can feel

Maureen Spielman:

empowered, knowing you're using the right language or you know,

Maureen Spielman:

saying things the right way, but also don't be afraid Don't be

Maureen Spielman:

you don't have to, because I think that that's what can

Maureen Spielman:

happen is that people will stop themselves from from educating

Maureen Spielman:

themselves for fear of saying the wrong thing. Right for fear

Maureen Spielman:

of not getting it. Right. Right. I really appreciated that you

Maureen Spielman:

that you just put that right out there. Absolutely. And I think

Maureen Spielman:

that is something that is very, very important because I know

Maureen Spielman:

you know, everyone has run into someone who or maybe not

Maureen Spielman:

everyone but many have run into someone who's who has gotten

Maureen Spielman:

upset because we used a word right

Heather Hester:

wrong, or we didn't, you know, something we

Heather Hester:

didn't quite understand something and asked a question.

Heather Hester:

And that that is going to happen. But most people, and the

Heather Hester:

LGBTQIA plus community are happy to explain, are happy when you,

Heather Hester:

you know, when you try, there's such a gift in that trying. And

Heather Hester:

they recognize that right? You know, my kids was like, Okay

Heather Hester:

mom, you know, where to go waited use the pronoun, right?

Heather Hester:

Or, you know, just all of those things, or,

Heather Hester:

you know, and I'm kind of constantly checking in with

Heather Hester:

them, like, this is how, what I understand this to me, and I

Heather Hester:

mean, they were a huge help me writing that because, you know,

Heather Hester:

as we all know, language is constantly shifting, shifting,

Heather Hester:

which I say that in there as well. But this is a really good,

Heather Hester:

basic, even with language shifting. This gives a ton of,

Heather Hester:

you know, things that are not going to change, it will just be

Heather Hester:

built upon. Yeah, yeah. It's a beautiful resource. And then,

Heather Hester:

you know, I want to ask you some things about processes, but I'm

Heather Hester:

also thinking, how much have you see this landscape change? Since

Heather Hester:

you started the work? You started X amount of years ago,

Heather Hester:

and there weren't resources? Are you seeing it change that, that

Heather Hester:

better resources are becoming available things that you even

Heather Hester:

turn to more often? Absolutely, I think I look at the books that

Heather Hester:

I kind of started with, and the websites now, some of those

Heather Hester:

websites are still my go twos, like the Trevor Project, I love,

Heather Hester:

love, love the Trevor Project.

Heather Hester:

And

Heather Hester:

just because they're so comprehensive, they have, you

Heather Hester:

know, resources, they have acute resources, they have great

Heather Hester:

spaces for kids to go.

Heather Hester:

And so I just, I love them.

Heather Hester:

But I have seen more pop up, right? So there's, there are

Heather Hester:

more independent, smaller websites that have popped up,

Heather Hester:

and, you know, more books on the market that just were not

Heather Hester:

available six years ago. So it's it is really, it's really so

Heather Hester:

good, especially when you do look around and you see what is

Heather Hester:

going on that I'm so grateful that this information is

Heather Hester:

available, and that it just helps people stay strong. And to

Heather Hester:

hang in there, right.

Maureen Spielman:

Yeah, yeah, it's such a gift to the world.

Maureen Spielman:

Yeah, I was thinking about even, you know, going back to any

Maureen Spielman:

parents that might be listening out there, or, you know, loved

Maureen Spielman:

ones that, you know, you talk about in the beginning how it is

Maureen Spielman:

a process and how it first I don't know what you kind of

Maureen Spielman:

looked at first, if you looked at the process of what the

Maureen Spielman:

parent goes through

Maureen Spielman:

with their child, or if you first looked at what a child

Maureen Spielman:

goes through, but I loved how you have both processes to kind

Maureen Spielman:

of, I don't know if you'd say normalize, but just to kind of

Maureen Spielman:

give a roadmap of almost like a what to expect, right? And it

Maureen Spielman:

kind of is what to expect when your child is gay. That's right.

Heather Hester:

Your child comes out? Yes, it is. So I first did

Heather Hester:

the,

Heather Hester:

the pride the coming out process for your child, because that's

Heather Hester:

kind of that I remember actually the person who shared that with

Heather Hester:

me, and I was like, wow, I mean, it was a game changer.

Heather Hester:

Just because like you said, that's what it is. It's a

Heather Hester:

roadmap and it's not linear. It's every person is so

Heather Hester:

different, but it does give a lot of context and understanding

Heather Hester:

to like, oh, okay, this is what they're going through,

Heather Hester:

especially if it is a you know, your child is a teenager who in

Heather Hester:

typical development is not going to share with you all of the

Heather Hester:

inner workings, right? So it is it is so helpful.

Heather Hester:

And knowing those things and then the coming out process for

Heather Hester:

parents is something I kind of pieced together but I'm like, we

Heather Hester:

all we have our own coming out process like everyone, right of

Heather Hester:

just how how we process it, how we learn how we everything. So I

Heather Hester:

think that is you know, to, to your work to what you do. This

Heather Hester:

is part of the whole how do we connect with our kids, right?

Heather Hester:

How do we become more conscious? Parents? Well, it's doing our

Heather Hester:

own work, and doing our own work on our own time. Not on there.

Heather Hester:

It's like that's something that's really important to me,

Heather Hester:

is that your stuff your process is not your child's

Maureen Spielman:

So, yeah. And so as a parent, going through

Maureen Spielman:

guiding your child,

Maureen Spielman:

what is the best thing parents can do for themselves in your

Maureen Spielman:

experience,

Heather Hester:

taking that time to do the work to and to learn.

Heather Hester:

Whether and it's everybody learns differently, everybody is

Heather Hester:

kind of whether you like podcasts, or books or websites,

Heather Hester:

or whatever it is, there is now something out there for you

Heather Hester:

something, it might be just a little bit, but there's enough

Heather Hester:

that is accurate and helpful to the point where you will feel

Heather Hester:

supported. And I think that's such a big thing is finding what

Heather Hester:

helps support you because then you are better able to support

Heather Hester:

your child and give them their space to have their process

Heather Hester:

because

Maureen Spielman:

their process is very different than ours. And

Maureen Spielman:

by the time that they let us in and share with us, they've been

Maureen Spielman:

in their process for a while already. Yeah. So yeah, so

Maureen Spielman:

honoring of yourself, and then their space, too. Yeah, I think

Maureen Spielman:

that I see a theme in your podcast as well. And I know you

Maureen Spielman:

said about your, your son is that just like deep respect for

Maureen Spielman:

just this whole field of mental health and, and, you know, just

Maureen Spielman:

opening that up. And really, because that we're we are in a

Maureen Spielman:

time, where we just know the importance of it. So I remember

Maureen Spielman:

you saying that, especially since you just named it as well.

Maureen Spielman:

But the teenage years, the frontal lobe is still

Maureen Spielman:

developing, there's the risk taking behaviors, they're going

Maureen Spielman:

to be quiet, or they might not share everything with us. But

Unknown:

you know, getting your child the support they need. And

Unknown:

in sometimes can you say even from your experience, or, you

Unknown:

know, people you've known is sometimes the child even recipt

Unknown:

young person resistant to getting that outside help? And

Unknown:

oh, you know, is that like a practice of patience and

Unknown:

perseverance as well? It absolutely is. Because there's

Unknown:

still enough of a stigma out there where kids are like, Well,

Unknown:

what's wrong with me? Right? I'm embarrassed. What if my friends

Unknown:

find out? Am I broken? That's such a big thing. Oh, I'm doing

Unknown:

this because I need to be fixed. No, you know, that's like, the

Unknown:

biggest thing? No, not at all. You know, it's, it's such a so

Unknown:

the reframing of that is that whatever that professional help

Unknown:

is that you seek it's, it's a tool, right? It's a support

Unknown:

system, and it's to, really to

Heather Hester:

help on the journey, it's not to fix or be a

Heather Hester:

band aid or right, learning those tools. So yes, it was

Heather Hester:

extremely difficult at the beginning. And it's also

Heather Hester:

difficult to find the right fit. So I liken it to you know,

Heather Hester:

dating, it's, it's, it's hard, it's really, really hard. And I,

Heather Hester:

that is the one place where I have stepped in

Heather Hester:

most definitely with Connor and with my girls as well.

Heather Hester:

And, and really kind of helps them through the process and,

Heather Hester:

and really said, Okay, this is, you know, what do you need? What

Heather Hester:

are you looking for? Okay? This is how we're going to find it.

Heather Hester:

And we're going to find any Connors therapists who he sees

Heather Hester:

still who he's seen since he, you know, went to school almost

Heather Hester:

four years ago now. So his whole college career has been seen the

Heather Hester:

same guy.

Heather Hester:

Only because I literally like was such a pain to this guy.

Heather Hester:

Like I called him. I emailed him. I begged him. I was like

Heather Hester:

you I don't? You've got to make room for my son. Yeah. So

Heather Hester:

perfect for him. He needs to be seen by you. Oh, beautiful.

Heather Hester:

Yeah. And you just had to get in there and be the mama the I get

Heather Hester:

those. Sometimes you have to do that. Yeah, it's really

Heather Hester:

important. And your kids will they will come around,

Heather Hester:

especially once they do have a positive experience, I think is

Heather Hester:

the biggest thing once they're like, oh, this actually is super

Heather Hester:

helpful. Yeah. Yeah.

Maureen Spielman:

And you've named a couple things, I think.

Maureen Spielman:

But I love that episode titled, hey, parents, this is what your

Maureen Spielman:

teen wants you to know. I think that's really important to kind

Maureen Spielman:

of, I don't know if you couldn't remember the things that they

Maureen Spielman:

want you to know. But I would think like one of them is give

Maureen Spielman:

me space. I need space.

Maureen Spielman:

What else have you found beneficial? Oh my goodness.

Heather Hester:

That was so that was an episode. That was the

Heather Hester:

first episode I did with Connor, I think, oh, yeah, if memory if

Heather Hester:

memory serves, I have not listened to it for a while.

Heather Hester:

But that I've done, I think, at least four or five episodes with

Heather Hester:

Connor over time. But that was a fun one, because I think it was

Heather Hester:

kind of the initial like, I need space. I need you to understand

Heather Hester:

that when I come out to you. I am sure.

Heather Hester:

It is something I've been thinking about for a long time.

Heather Hester:

I am sure. Right? It was kind of the, you know, here are the ways

Heather Hester:

to ask questions, right? In a way that is either respectful or

Heather Hester:

respecting brat boundaries. That's a big I mean, that was

Heather Hester:

another big one that we all had to learn. Was that boundary,

Heather Hester:

learning how to do that. So yeah, it is it is a fun episode.

Heather Hester:

It is in my top 10. People do love that episode. So if you're

Heather Hester:

curious as to what a teenager would like their parents, that

Heather Hester:

is a good one to listen to. Yes, I apologize. I don't remember

Heather Hester:

all the things off the top of my head that

Maureen Spielman:

honor speaking. So yeah. And I think

Maureen Spielman:

that that's a great one to even go to. Because hearing it from

Maureen Spielman:

like, out of the mouths of babes is always you know where that

Maureen Spielman:

wisdom is going to be coming from? There are straight, they

Maureen Spielman:

do not mince words, no, Major. I'm sure you felt this way. But

Maureen Spielman:

in the conscious parenting world, it's this the the premise

Maureen Spielman:

that our children are our teachers. And woof, sometimes

Maureen Spielman:

they call us to task on the things that they're teaching us

Maureen Spielman:

and that aid. Okay. I think that's a message. That's good.

Maureen Spielman:

It is it is I think it's so important, because that is not

Maureen Spielman:

how most of us were wired, to parent or to think, right. We

Maureen Spielman:

were wired to think that we are here to teach our children

Maureen Spielman:

everything. And, you know,

Heather Hester:

we don't listen to what they say, essentially.

Heather Hester:

And I think you flip that right upside down with conscious

Heather Hester:

parenting. Because Holy cow, the wisdom. Oh, yeah.

Heather Hester:

Yes. And the humor? I mean, there's a lot of humor that

Heather Hester:

comes from it.

Maureen Spielman:

Absolutely.

Maureen Spielman:

Yeah. And I think that

Maureen Spielman:

I, oh, I love the quiet. One of the questions you had in there.

Maureen Spielman:

I think this is a an important one is how can we respond to

Maureen Spielman:

people who are not supportive? Or what you had named, and maybe

Maureen Spielman:

named more generally than non affirming people? So if there's

Maureen Spielman:

people in our lives that just, they don't handle, you know, the

Maureen Spielman:

relationships with respect and

Heather Hester:

these kinds of things? Like how, how do you

Heather Hester:

handle that? Or what do you say or? Yeah, right? Well, that is a

Heather Hester:

tricky one. And I have Yes, I have approached that a couple of

Heather Hester:

different times, because that's something that everyone deals

Heather Hester:

with and in some manner.

Heather Hester:

And there are depending on who you are

Heather Hester:

dealing with, I do always trying to find a different word, but

Heather Hester:

you know, for lack of other words, right now.

Heather Hester:

You have lots of tools, right? You so it's kind of reading the

Heather Hester:

situation like is it a moment where you can educate, right is

Heather Hester:

the person that is coming at you someone that you can gently

Heather Hester:

correct with a actually, this is a better way to say that, or we

Heather Hester:

do not believe this is a choice, we know for a fact, this is how

Heather Hester:

our child was born. And we asked you to respect that.

Heather Hester:

So you have to kind of read like, know your audience,

Heather Hester:

essentially, right?

Heather Hester:

If you are, if you know that whomever you are coming, you

Heather Hester:

know, that is non affirming. You always have the option to set

Heather Hester:

boundaries, right, this is just something that isn't discussed.

Heather Hester:

Or if it's, you know, really bad if the person you know, cannot

Heather Hester:

pull their tongue or curb their behavior, then it's someone that

Heather Hester:

you just don't see for a time. Right. So it is I mean, it is

Heather Hester:

hard. It's definitely hard decisions and hard, can be hard.

Heather Hester:

But it's also you know,

Heather Hester:

when you really think about it, you know, you think you're

Heather Hester:

protecting your child, right? So, and you're protecting

Heather Hester:

yourself, you're protecting your family, this is this is what

Heather Hester:

we're here to do. And none of that is okay. So, yeah, there

Heather Hester:

are options, but it's definitely a matter of knowing your

Heather Hester:

audience for sure.

Maureen Spielman:

or, yep. And then I would imagine coming back

Maureen Spielman:

as a family and communicating about it. And I find so much

Maureen Spielman:

just in the conscious parenting kind of paradigm. And

Heather Hester:

it's just always applies as I know, it's my work

Heather Hester:

is just refining the communication. In fact, and

Heather Hester:

when, when we don't say the right thing, or it doesn't, or

Heather Hester:

there are things to talk about to not be afraid of them, and to

Heather Hester:

lean into the discomfort of them, which is not always easy.

Heather Hester:

It's a process, especially if we grew up in households that

Heather Hester:

really didn't talk about things. And right, so it's a constant re

Heather Hester:

education for me. Well, it totally is. And I think some of

Heather Hester:

these things like you feel in your body, right, you feel it

Heather Hester:

and you but you haven't yet really articulated it. So when

Heather Hester:

you are able to come back after something like that happens, and

Heather Hester:

maybe you feel like you didn't handle it well, or you wish you

Heather Hester:

would have done something else. And you are able to have that

Heather Hester:

conversation, or maybe your child's feeling that way. Right?

Heather Hester:

And you can have that conversation where you can

Heather Hester:

really talk about it, and a much more calm relaxed, those those

Heather Hester:

emotions, then you're able to articulate maybe, right? So it's

Heather Hester:

such a great it is in so many ways such a gift to be able to

Heather Hester:

do that. And to just be messy. Yeah, just let it be messy.

Maureen Spielman:

We are inherently afraid of messiness.

Maureen Spielman:

And messy is good, actually. Yeah. Yeah. It's how we kind of

Maureen Spielman:

wade through things and get to the other side. Yeah, it's it's

Maureen Spielman:

true. I know a lot of people bring up the metaphor of the

Maureen Spielman:

lotus,

Maureen Spielman:

the lotus flower that grows in the mud. And so beautiful things

Maureen Spielman:

can be birthed out of the messy times. Yes. Yeah. For sure.

Maureen Spielman:

Yeah. I'm excited about, you know, the work for you to come.

Maureen Spielman:

What's on your horizons?

Heather Hester:

Oh, my goodness.

Heather Hester:

Well, I have written a book,

Heather Hester:

which will be published that until a year from June, so it's

Heather Hester:

a little ways out, we are in the I just sent it off to the

Heather Hester:

publisher. And it's in that stage right now. But that is a

Heather Hester:

very exciting thing.

Heather Hester:

On the on the far horizon, yeah, I have just started doing a lot

Heather Hester:

more speaking,

Heather Hester:

which has been,

Heather Hester:

again, like the podcast, such a lovely surprise that I actually.

Heather Hester:

So it is just,

Unknown:

I really love just the connecting and the sharing of

Unknown:

information with other people. So it's kind of an extension of

Unknown:

the podcast, but certainly something that is is needed and

Unknown:

people are wanting. So those are, those are my big things.

Unknown:

Yes, congratulations on the book, I was hoping that that was

Unknown:

going to be something that was either in the works or on the

Unknown:

horizon because of everything you've done. And

Heather Hester:

the speaking engagements are neat, because

Heather Hester:

through the podcast, through your writing, and then the

Heather Hester:

podcast, you've been able to hone your voice. And then like I

Heather Hester:

said, like when you got to the four pillars, and you got to the

Heather Hester:

processes, and you got you're like, wait a minute, I have

Heather Hester:

something here, and then all all of the life experience now can

Heather Hester:

serve the community. It's just kind of amazing how we are. I

Heather Hester:

mean, I truly feel like in a lot of ways, I'm just a vessel that

Heather Hester:

I'm not always a fully aware of what is being great, but I'm

Heather Hester:

just kind of like alright, yeah, that's me. And, and then as you

Heather Hester:

know, you've done such a beautiful job of really pointing

Heather Hester:

out all these things. And I'm like, Yeah, wow, I did do that.

Heather Hester:

But that really wasn't me. It was just, yeah, you're just kind

Heather Hester:

of the conduit. It feels like way. I mean, that's the way I

Heather Hester:

feel. And it's an it's work that is desperately needed. And I'm

Heather Hester:

happy to be that. Yes. And what kind of venues are you speaking

Heather Hester:

at? Before we've wrap up? Yeah, so I'm doing a little bit

Heather Hester:

combination of corporate. And so a lot of corporations have

Heather Hester:

employee resource groups. So doing talks for them and like

Heather Hester:

little lunch and learns and workshops, which is really fun.

Heather Hester:

And then

Heather Hester:

for school districts, so just you know, kind of like an

Heather Hester:

evening like our again, like an hour workshop talking about just

Heather Hester:

sharing information. And a lot of it is really fielding

Heather Hester:

questions. So yes, on to. I will I like highlighting that because

Heather Hester:

for anyone listening, we've got a lot of people in the Chicago

Heather Hester:

area, but yeah, where can our listeners find your work? Well,

Heather Hester:

my website is the best place to go. So the web

Heather Hester:

site is chrysalis. mama.com. And chrysalis is like the butterfly

Heather Hester:

chrysalis, but it's ch ry s a l i s, ma ma.com. And that is

Heather Hester:

really where you can find everything. I've tried to make

Heather Hester:

that a hub to find all that I do. So the podcast is actually

Heather Hester:

can be found through the website, as well as any

Heather Hester:

information on speaking. The e book that you mentioned earlier

Heather Hester:

is there and all of these good things, so many good things. And

Heather Hester:

so we'll put those all in the show notes. Yeah, to the

Heather Hester:

listeners, if you can, go to the website, tap into the podcast

Heather Hester:

for sure.

Maureen Spielman:

And get yourself the booklet because

Maureen Spielman:

it's all so resourceful, and just beautiful. And so I have to

Maureen Spielman:

thank you so much for being here with me and speaking to this

Maureen Spielman:

community to spread your message and to to allow people to know

Maureen Spielman:

that you are there as a resource and that you're all in

Heather Hester:

you. Thank you. Thank you so much. This was a

Heather Hester:

really, really fun chat. And I appreciate you having me. Yeah,

Heather Hester:

you're welcome. And thank you to our listeners, and we'll see you

Heather Hester:

next time.

Maureen Spielman:

Thanks for listening to this episode of

Maureen Spielman:

mystical sisterhood. If you love what you heard, please visit

Maureen Spielman:

Apple podcast and subscribe and leave a review and share with a

Maureen Spielman:

friend if you're called to do so. To learn more about my one

Maureen Spielman:

on one coaching programs, or join the mystical sisterhood

Maureen Spielman:

membership, visit Maureenspielman.com or

Maureen Spielman:

mysticalsisterhood.com Thanks so much. I'll see you in the next episode.